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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband cheating???

42 replies

CherrySprite · 05/12/2023 20:52

Hello everyone, I’m new to this and hoping for some input/advice. I’m in my late 40s and my husband in his early 50s. Been married for three years. He seemed to be everything I needed and wanted in a husband. Unfortunately, I have a growing suspicion he’s not being faithful. He takes Viagra, which I knew about early on in our relationship. The issue is that he has multiple opened bottles and is seemingly taking some from each bottle. I’ve started to pay closer attention and noticed he was taking them with him whenever he goes out to gym, work and etc. I’ve asked him about this and he said he would take it to get ready me for when he comes home. I was hesitant but I decided to believe him. After some time, my suspicion hasn’t gone away and today, I noticed another pill was missing and I’m sick so we are not being intimate for that reason. I noticed the pill was gone when he left for the gym. Im trying by very hard to keep a level head and keep it together. I know if I confront him, it’ll turn into an argument saying things like I don’t trust him and etc., so discussing my concerns are out of the question. I’m at a loss.

OP posts:
JIMMI85 · 06/12/2023 20:48

Viagra and other PDE5’s effectively open up blood vessels by relaxing them for more blood flow, so it is plausible although unlikely he is using them for the gym.

viagra generally lasts for 4 hours, but an erection will only happen if he is sexually stimulated. Some
men can keep their erection after they have orgasmed but realistically, most who take viagra for ED won’t have the capacity to do this, even with help.

if it was cialis I’d be less concerned. Cialis and the other non brand versions stay in the system for up to 36 hours, so it could be the case he takes one every day to be sure he is always ready.

How concerned I would be would depend on how severe his ED is. Does he get natural morning erections? If he doesn’t, then he could be taking viagra or cialis not for sex but to get morning wood to stop atrophy ; which would ultimately over time cause his penis to shrink.

if he is cheating, I would guess he’d need to be out of the house for a good couple of hours AND not go to the gym. I doubt he could be doing both.

honestly, the best thing you can do is ask him. Don’t question him, don’t accuse him of anything, instead say quite casually that you’ve noticed there are fewer pills and ask if everything is ok.

DO NOT follow him in a car!

Original poster
CherrySprite · 06/12/2023 21:49

You make a good point. I appreciate the input. I’m trying to take everything into account and decide the next step. I’ve just reached a point that I couldn’t keep it in anymore and needed a sounding board.

OP posts:
Original poster
CherrySprite · 06/12/2023 21:53

He gets them prescribed to him by a Dr and they get refilled every so often.

OP posts:
Littlelucas · 06/12/2023 21:56

The comment from the stepson about “the girl at the gym” would be a major red flag for me too.

It sounds like he’s doing it to bait his df a bit in front of you and have him on edge (do they have that kind of blokey/pranking kind of relationship?)
It sounds like your dh has mentionitis of this woman?

That combined with the missing viagra would have me following /tracking him I’m afraid!

Jobsharenightmare · 06/12/2023 22:27

honestly, the best thing you can do is ask him. Don’t question him, don’t accuse him of anything, instead say quite casually that you’ve noticed there are fewer pills and ask if everything is ok.

^ this is terrible advice. Thread upon thread here of women who have been lied to in these situations. Cheaters = able to lie to your face very convincingly. The OP already knows there are more pills missing when she's away, not just when he goes to the gym. It's clearly not about improving his performance at the gym.

JIMMI85 · 06/12/2023 23:10

Jobsharenightmare · 06/12/2023 22:27

honestly, the best thing you can do is ask him. Don’t question him, don’t accuse him of anything, instead say quite casually that you’ve noticed there are fewer pills and ask if everything is ok.

^ this is terrible advice. Thread upon thread here of women who have been lied to in these situations. Cheaters = able to lie to your face very convincingly. The OP already knows there are more pills missing when she's away, not just when he goes to the gym. It's clearly not about improving his performance at the gym.

It really isn’t. A relationship is about trust, and therefore it’s far better to ask rather than accuse.

and you clearly didn’t properly read the rest of my thread explaining the other reasons why he might be taking them. I’ve used all the PDE5’s so I’d like to think I know what I’m talking about.

i’m not saying he categorically isn’t cheating, but unless there are other obvious signs, apart from the pills going missing, it isn’t grounds for accusations IMO.

Isthisexpected · 06/12/2023 23:17

And what next when he says everything is fine yes, I'm using their to enhance my training....

There are other signs, read the OPs updates!

NotSorryForTheReality · 06/12/2023 23:19

Maybe he’s masterbating? Let’s be honest everyone does it and it’s so much easier to only have yourself to deal with…

Lilliesbloomy · 06/12/2023 23:23

I’m shocked at the “I’m shocked” posts to be frank- anyone who was saying “he’s cheating” was coming from a place of care, concern and experience for OP. Did nobody pick up on the OP’s post when she said they have trackers on each others phones? Why? That indicates some trust issues.

Not doubting the mental health element of this at all of course and I hope things improve for the OP and her partner, I wish you all the best

JIMMI85 · 06/12/2023 23:39

Isthisexpected · 06/12/2023 23:17

And what next when he says everything is fine yes, I'm using their to enhance my training....

There are other signs, read the OPs updates!

I have and I can’t see any other signs of him cheating.

eveyone showers after the gym
His son telling about the girl in the gym could be a passing comment
and he is taking his ED pills frequently.

Why would someone who’s cheating, risk being found out by using the pills that are accessible to his wife rather than getting his own personal stash?

they could be used for the gym, for NTE, Or masturbation- especially as wife has been recently sick.

Basically, most on here are telling her to accuse her husband of cheating without clear proof. On that basis she might as well pack her bags and ask for a divorce.

Ejismyf · 06/12/2023 23:44

Well he's clearly not going to the gym.

Original poster
CherrySprite · 07/12/2023 01:49

I want to clarify that we do not have trackers on our phones. However, I must admit that I’m tempted because of my suspicion of possible infidelity.

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 07/12/2023 01:59

How long are his gym trips, and how frequent? Has there been a change in time it takes to come back? Does he appear less fit than someone would if they frequent the gym?
Golf - the perfect excuse to be out for a whole day doing something other. Except the ones I work with, who plaster their golf days and lads hols involving it all over their social media. Does he? Golfers are that enthusiastic, they feel a need to tell the world. If he never posts about it, it maybe didn't happen.

Original poster
CherrySprite · 07/12/2023 02:06

I want to thank you all for your advice/input. I do appreciate it. I’m going to take all comments into consideration and go from there. I just needed to get things off my chest and found this forum very helpful to help think more clearly.

OP posts:
tolerable · 07/12/2023 02:27

the fact you feellike this at all.
are goin to the counting them measure is a problem.the car undercover is awful.
for you. i honestly do not knowif bein right or bein wrong is worse.am real sorry you are going through this/sorry not a bit of that helps

category12 · 07/12/2023 06:38

You've got to stop and think what you're doing before you get into following him or tracking him. Tracking him without his consent can get into illegal acts territory. If you were a man, it would be controlling and stalking and terrifying.

If you don't trust him, your relationship is fucked already. Don't make it worse by acting insane.

I realise you want to know if your suspicions are correct but you need instead to think about whether you want to be in a relationship with him if your go-to is he must be cheating.

FairyMaclary · 07/12/2023 07:13

Sadly cheaters lie so asking them won’t usually help, in fact it could make them more careful.

The op will know if she is always paranoid or if this is a one off concern.

Checking up on spouse vs a life changing STD. I know what I’d be advising my child or mother to do.

Does he lie about other things op? Or avoid confrontation? When you are out of town can you cancel and return early?

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