For a long successful relationship , is a dull mid life period normal?

Superdupersquirrel · 2023-12-05T15:13:29+00:00

A question for all those who have been with a partner for a long time - what would you say are reasonable expectations of what marriage!relationships look like after 20+ years. DH says that things being fine is enough and it’s normal that things can get boring for a while. Essentially conversation isn’t always that easy, sex is fine but he doesn’t seem particularly excited by me anymore, he’s not particularly into doing any new activities/interests etc. my DD is now away at college so most of the time is just us and the dog. So nothing is terrible but it’s dull. I’m ashamed to say I miss the affection, laughter, just feels very routine and I’ve tried to bring this up tactfully of course but we don’t see it the same way. He believes it’s just a natural ebb and flow and it will sort itself out. I am happy enough but also at that point in life where you wonder if this is it? Life seems to be going by fast but I’m aware that comparison or the greener grass on the other side is also real. so I’d just love to know what your normal ups and downs look like.

3luckystars · 05/12/2023 15:14

Could you plan something together? Like a holiday or trip?

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 15:20

I think a trip is not a bad idea - he’s not a big holiday guy sadly. Me and my daughter have come to the conclusion we’ll have to organise holidays for the two of us!

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Marionberry · 05/12/2023 15:23

You need to do stuff together. There are big things in life like a huge holiday or spending a fortune on a trip to the theatre with an amazing dinner then there are the small things. No one can sustain excitement constantly and it would be a bit much.

We play board games, video game, go hiking and cycling and have a bit of I suppose banter, been married for 25 years and together for 27 years.

What did and do you have in common? People breaking up when their children leave home is very common I have three lots of friends divorcing currently just for this reason.

DH is a very mild chilled out type, I’m not if I’m honest so I will start a debate on something contentious just for the sake of it. We have some political crossovers but not a total match.

Signal72 · 05/12/2023 15:27

I think the thing to do in this situation is to find your joy in other ways. Join clubs, make new friends, even holiday alone! What’s stopping you?

I think in long term relationships, many people have periods like this and wonder “is this it” the truth is, for many it is it! So the best way to deal with that is to bring some joy into your life without hanging your hat on your “romantic relatioship”

He sounds a bit like he is turning into a grumpy middle aged man. How old are you both? When did the affection stop? It’s unusual for it just to come to an abrupt end.

I think by the time 50 comes along, the grass is most definitely not greener in most cases. The pool of Quality available men is Minute!

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 15:28

This is great and we’ve been together a similar time. Like you DH is pretty laid back, I’m definitely more full on! I think I need to work gently on finding some things to do together. We used to go out to beautiful places (coast, parks etc), listen to music, go out with friends.

i think perhaps rekindling some friendships could help

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SirChenjins · 05/12/2023 15:28

Watching with interest. We’re almost 30 years married, still have one school aged teen at home, adult DD in the process of moving out and adult DS living in another country. We both work f/t and whilst we do things together there’s not much time as the weekends fly by with DC3 still needing ferried to things. Everything seems very monotonous and quite dull. Roll on retirement - we’ve got plans for when we’re no longer tied to work and the youngest has left school so I guess we just hang on in there for the moment. Zzzzz…

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 15:30

Signal72 · 05/12/2023 15:27

I think the thing to do in this situation is to find your joy in other ways. Join clubs, make new friends, even holiday alone! What’s stopping you?

I think in long term relationships, many people have periods like this and wonder “is this it” the truth is, for many it is it! So the best way to deal with that is to bring some joy into your life without hanging your hat on your “romantic relatioship”

He sounds a bit like he is turning into a grumpy middle aged man. How old are you both? When did the affection stop? It’s unusual for it just to come to an abrupt end.

I think by the time 50 comes along, the grass is most definitely not greener in most cases. The pool of Quality available men is Minute!

😂 the pool of quality men made me laugh! I think I’ve been afraid that I’d end up building my own life that would lead to us drifting apart but I think you’ve got a great point here

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Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 15:34

SirChenjins · 05/12/2023 15:28

Watching with interest. We’re almost 30 years married, still have one school aged teen at home, adult DD in the process of moving out and adult DS living in another country. We both work f/t and whilst we do things together there’s not much time as the weekends fly by with DC3 still needing ferried to things. Everything seems very monotonous and quite dull. Roll on retirement - we’ve got plans for when we’re no longer tied to work and the youngest has left school so I guess we just hang on in there for the moment. Zzzzz…

I hope this threads throws up some gems for us - i’m ashamed to say, I have fantasised about a fling, not because I don’t love him or want another relationship, just to feel that buzz. I know that’s awful and I would never want to hurt him, but I think especially with the good old menopause, just feeling like you aren’t hurtling towards old age is part of it. I’m 50 soon and life just feels like it’s speeding up. I still love and fancy him so much but sometimes its so dull and he says he’s fine with that which makes me frustrated occasionally

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Kangarude · 05/12/2023 15:37

I’ve been with DH nearly 35 years. Just us at home.
We still have fun together. Both still working (though he is semi retired) We are sociable and lucky enough to have a wide group of friends that we meet up with most weekends. We both have different friends that we see individually. There are times when we enjoy not having much to say to each other though, and I think it would be very different if we were both home together every day/evening.

Kangarude · 05/12/2023 15:44

Reading my post back, it sounds a bit smug. It wasn’t meant that way. I was trying to say that having separate interests and friends is helpful.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 15:50

I think life being dull isn’t surprising.
But affection and laughter should still be part of your life!!

Affection can simply be watching a film together cuddling. All the simple gestures you used to make (see what it was for you, a quick kiss, a hand on his shoulder/arm as you pass each other etc….)
Laughter could maybe be watching a comedy you both laugh, sharing funny stuff that has happened in the day etc… If he is turning into a grumpy old man, it might be harder

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 15:52

Kangarude · 05/12/2023 15:44

Reading my post back, it sounds a bit smug. It wasn’t meant that way. I was trying to say that having separate interests and friends is helpful.

Not smug at all and I really appreciate it as actually I think part of the issue is I work from home and he is semi early retired for health reasons so being at home so much doesn’t help

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SirChenjins · 05/12/2023 15:55

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 15:34

I hope this threads throws up some gems for us - i’m ashamed to say, I have fantasised about a fling, not because I don’t love him or want another relationship, just to feel that buzz. I know that’s awful and I would never want to hurt him, but I think especially with the good old menopause, just feeling like you aren’t hurtling towards old age is part of it. I’m 50 soon and life just feels like it’s speeding up. I still love and fancy him so much but sometimes its so dull and he says he’s fine with that which makes me frustrated occasionally

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Don't even think about a fling - they're all the same! As @Signal72 says, the pool is very limited

Watchkeys · 05/12/2023 15:56

Sounds like you're hoping that your relationship will make your life interesting, rather than looking to bring excitement to your relationship. It's not his job to entertain you; that's on you. If you're looking for him to do it and he isn't, it's on you to change something, so that your needs get met.

Why are you interested in what's 'normal'? If everyone else is miserable, what would it make you feel about being miserable? That you should just accept it?

skippy67 · 05/12/2023 16:01

I've been with Dh 31 years, married for 20. we still have fun together, and equally importantly, we have our own sets friends and interests which keep us busy. On the rare weekends where we're not doing our hobbies, it's really nice to just potter around at home, or go for a walk, pub lunch, or nap! 😂

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 17:16

Think that’s spot on @skippy67 and perhaps if I broaden my interests it will give him some impetus to do the same

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Ascubudr · 05/12/2023 17:27

Together 25 years here married for 18. Yes life is a bot of a slog ( 2 DCs ages 17 &19) but he makes me laugh every single day and I coudn't be without him. Like a PP we have plans for 7 years time.

EarthSight · 05/12/2023 18:28

The fact that you still love and fancy him is important, as it's indicating there's something else that's missing here.

Do you wish that he seemed more interested in your relationship, in doing things with you, spending time with you? Do you wish he had more ooomph, more get-up-and-go?

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 18:46

EarthSight · 05/12/2023 18:28

The fact that you still love and fancy him is important, as it's indicating there's something else that's missing here.

Do you wish that he seemed more interested in your relationship, in doing things with you, spending time with you? Do you wish he had more ooomph, more get-up-and-go?

Yes I think you are right, just some more fun and interest in life generally. Sometimes I’ve wondered if he might be a little depressed but he assures me he’s not.

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80s · 05/12/2023 18:57

I miss the affection, laughter, just feels very routine and I’ve tried to bring this up tactfully of course but we don’t see it the same way.
... sometimes its so dull and he says he’s fine with that
Sounds like you are having a discussion about whether your life is dull or not, when actually what you should be discussing is the fact that you are not happy with your current life. Your feelings are not something he can disagree with, not something he can say is "fine". You're not asking him if he's fine with this boring life, you're telling him that you are unhappy. He can't make that go away by telling you that he is happy.
Have you emphasised that you are not complaining aboout him, or criticising him? That you're talking about what you would like?

HappySammy · 05/12/2023 19:14

It could be a very different situation for you but I'll tell you about my experience anyway.

Things have always been nice with DH but became a bit boring. I don't remember how or when but I realised the problem was me. He's very laid back but had always been very affectionate and liked to laugh. I think I got a bit serious and was touched out so he slowly backed off in response and we started to feel like housemates.

We never mentioned it but I had a think about all of his good qualities (there are many) and worked out I wasn't giving him back what he was giving to me. When I started to laugh at silly things again he responded by joking and laughing more often. Our moods improved a lot. When I decided to put down my phone and curl up against him on the sofa, he responded by giving me a squeeze and then started to be more tactile again. It's a lot more like the relationship we had earlier on. On the odd occasion I'm annoyed by something silly I think of all the things he's done for me over the years and it's give me perspective.

Angrycat2768 · 05/12/2023 19:27

I think we're in the 'dull phase too. We are 50 but still have children at home. I do wonder what it will be like when they fly the nest. We do just spend most nights sitting in watching telly. We do both have separate hobbies, but with work etc it just seems like too much effort to spice things up. I don't think I'd bother with another bloke either. Couldnt think of anythng worse than re entering the dating scene. Ive been out of it for so long I remember hearing about that new dating thing 'Tinder'! like my own company. I'd make sure I got the dog!

Flobbyblob · 05/12/2023 19:37

This was my dilemma until we broke up three months ago. I was alright just plodding on in the marriage at least until DCs moved out, but he left as wanted more than what our marriage had to offer. Have to say the sense of relief is amazing and I am looking forward now to future without all the complex emotions and ‘what ifs’. I feel like I’ve got my life back. It’s obviously a bit daunting also and I wonder if the alternative (us staying together) would be better but then I remember being in the house together and the stress of worrying where things were headed and what our future would be like together and I’m grateful the decision has been made and I’m on my own.

Original poster

Superdupersquirrel · 05/12/2023 20:41

I think reading all your very insightful posts the key here is to build more of my own interests and then see how I feel. It’s either going to put more of a spring in our steps or work out if we can continue to grow in a compatible way. Weirdly I’ve always felt a bit guilty organising things just for me

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80s · 05/12/2023 20:44

Sounds like a good plan.