I spent all yesterday in tears. I thought I was over it. Married 6 years, together 8. I've been so very stupid though my amazing ds came out of it and I love him dearly so no regrets. Please know that exh is very charming. Everyone loves him. My mum even now still likes him. I was very vulnerable and therapy has shown me why. I understand it all.
He has 2 dc from previous relationships (3 kids to 3 different women now) and I have 2 dc from a previous relationship. We have 1 dc together.
Here is our marriage in a nutshell:
- ghosted me after 6 weeks of dating after giving me an sti. Then came round one night when I was poorly with this sti and still wanted to have sex with me. Was grumpy that I was poorly. He would go grumpy whenever I said no to sex throughout our relationship.
- he is a gambling addict, took a loan out for him 9 months after meeting him to clear his debt. He still kept on gambling.
- would give me the silent treatment when my dc said it did something that annoyed him. Even the smallest things.
- found out he had been gambling again 4 weeks after I had a miscarriage and 8 weeks before we got married. He fell out with me because of my reaction to finding out he was gambling. He wanted to cancel the wedding.
- would accuse me of not wanting to spend time with his dc. I did everything for them. There was one particular time when I was pregnant and had sickness, he was taking his dc bowling and I didn't feel like going as I had been sick twice that morning. He accused me of not wanting to spend time with his dc. I went bowling and he ignored me the whole time.
- he shouted at me the day before I gave birth.
- he shouted at me 3 days after birth because I was in pain and he had arthritis. My pain would be gone soon but his would last forever.
- he would still carry on gambling. Would promise me daily that he would stop but he never did. Not bad enough to leave us with no money. We always had money but it would be around 8-10k a year on gambling when we were supposed to be saving for a mortgage.
- didn't speak to me for days because he wanted to take a loan out to buy a car we didn't need - again supposed to be saving for a mortgage. He accused me of being controlling with money.
-he would use me for childcare constantly for his dc. His son would have no routine when he was here. He was allowed to stay up until 11pm at 4 years old eating sweets. I hated it but when I tried to get any sort of routine going, it just wouldn’t happen. We didn’t work together as parents.
- I once wanted to book ds on to swimming. £30 a month. He told me it was too much and we should be saving. He was gambling more than ever at this point.
- my mental health took an all time low. I felt very worried that I might end up being a danger to myself. I wasn’t ok. I called exh at work to tell him how low I was feeling. His response was ‘I don’t need this’ and ‘it’s annoyed me to be honest’. All because I rang him at work. He is self employed. He lost his dad to suicide and he blamed his reaction to that. He apparently didn’t know how to react to anyone talking to him about suicidal because of his dad. Please keep reading - it carries on later with this.
- I moved in with my mum. Took the dc and left. Went to the gp and got help for my mental health issues. He then told me he is having a nervous breakdown. Everything became about him. I didn’t move back but everything became about him despite it being me that was poorly. He told me he felt like killing himself too - I was there for him.
- he then ended up absolutely convinced that I had someone else. He was certain. I used to have to FaceTime him around my mums house to prove I had no one here. It was awful. He had absolutely convinced himself there was someone else and looked for any clues possible to prove it.
- 7 weeks later, because I hadn’t moved back and even though he was still trying to ‘save our marriage’ he started a new ‘friendship’ with another woman. He insisted they were just friends and she was helping him get through this.
- I then ended up calling the police as he would not leave me alone. He also sent some threats and he was just being nasty. I blocked him completely and we went no contact for a while.
- after a while contact resumed and he began seeing ds again. He ended the ‘friendship’ with this woman and we all saw a massive change in him. He was in therapy and doing really well, stopped gambling. I never moved back in with him but I did begin spending more time with him…..because I was stupid. But I thought to myself, ‘if I don’t try now after his therapy, then I will never know’
- the woman he had a ‘friendship’ with did get in touch with me. She was hurt and angry. She told me exh made me out to be crazy. Said they were sleeping together on a regular basis from the start and that he told her he loved her. I chose not to believe it but I do now.
- I ended up being given a house through a housing association. It was in an absolute terrible state as most of them are. It was awful (I’ve actually been given compensation due to how bad it was). Exh offered to help me do it up. He is actually a highly recommended builder and the one thing I can trust him with is anything building wise. This went on for months. He made out he was always doing it for me and the dc. He wanted us to have a nice house. He never moved in but when we eventually started living there, he did stay and so did his dc - my step children. I never lost contact with them through this whole thing. They mean the world to me even now. I’m still very close to my step daughter.
- things started to get bad with his step son. His behaviour changed (understandably) and I did absolutely everything I could to try help him. I went out of my way to get him some things he really needed (paid for by me) and I got no thanks from exh. He was angry at the situation and left the next day. He took it out on me even though non of it was my fault. He asked me to pack up this things and I did. A week later he wanted to come back. I was stupid and I let him.
- I asked him to plan something nice for my birthday. He didn’t plan anything at all. I cried for the whole day. The gifts were fine but the card was the first one where he wrote ‘love exh’ and not anything romantic. In this time, he was very cold with me and quite snappy. I was walking on eggshells around him in a house that was mine. I didn’t understand what had happened. He promised me everything would be different. He was going to change.
- I decided to ring him when he left the house to tell him I’d had enough. I didn’t know what I had done but I don’t know why I was back to tip toeing around him. Feeling scared. He came back, got his stiff and left. This time I never let him back. I was adamant it was over. He begged to come back. He was promising he would change.
- He then went on holiday aboard for a week but in the is time, was convinced I had someone at my home. Again, I was back to FaceTiming him to prove that I didn’t. He apologised and apologised. Also told me he had a relapse with his gambling.
- He then came back off holiday and began to remove the rest of his stuff, still promising me he would change. Using any excuse he could to come round. He would then try to cuddle me and want sex. He used to ask to touch me repeatedly and id say no...but he wouldn't drop it. He then would say was sorry for everything. He couldn’t help it. He was struggling. He was back in therapy and back on medication. I still refused to let him back.
- He was still convinced I had someone else. Barely seeing ds at this point. He took ds to football training for the first time in forever. He dropped ds off and went into my bedroom, looked through my phone convinced again that I have someone else. He then threw my phone when I asked him to leave. He refused to leave but eventually did. As he left, he told me I wouldn’t see him again because he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault.
I called the police and have not seen him since. He has not seen ds since either. This happened at the end of October.
Since then, he has threatened to take my to court for the work he did on the house, he wants paying for labour. Told me my step daughter doesn’t like me anymore (we are very close, that’s not true) tried to make me FaceTime with ds because he thinks I’m not with him and I’m with my mystery man instead. He's called me horrible, cold, nasty and that he hates me.
He is now in a new relationship 5 weeks later and is now leaving me alone. I thought I was over it all but I feel now he is finally leaving me alone, I am absolutely heartbroken. I cried all day yesterday. All day. I don’t understand any of it. Like how bad was this?
I’ve done the freedom programme. Im in therapy. I’ve really been very very strong. I am changing as a person. I’ve been very very weak. I just feel so so sad that this has happened.
Yesterday he had a FaceTime with ds and stupidly I got upset. He then text me to ask what was wrong and told me to ‘just think of the good times’. There are no good times for me because I spent the last 8 years of my life walking on egg shells. He told me he still wants to be there for me and began putting ‘x’ back on the end of his messages. I didn’t reply in the end.
I am much stronger than I sound here but some days the grief just takes over. The minute I woke up yesterday I just couldn’t stop crying. I suppose that’s healing though?
This is long, probably the longest thread I’ve ever done. There’s much more to the story. I just needed to vent. I’ve been so very stupid!
I'm so sorry if this doesn't make much sense - I'm very tired and like I said, I cried all day yesterday. It was just awful.
I can't stand him, why am I still feeling like this? He's gone and out of my life finally. It's what I always wanted. I used to dream of living without him and what life would be like. But I'm not enjoying it. I feel well and truly not over him yet I hate him.