This is what exh did to me...I'm not ok

[imnotthenarc]

I spent all yesterday in tears. I thought I was over it. Married 6 years, together 8. I've been so very stupid though my amazing ds came out of it and I love him dearly so no regrets. Please know that exh is very charming. Everyone loves him. My mum even now still likes him. I was very vulnerable and therapy has shown me why. I understand it all.

He has 2 dc from previous relationships (3 kids to 3 different women now) and I have 2 dc from a previous relationship. We have 1 dc together.

Here is our marriage in a nutshell:

• ghosted me after 6 weeks of dating after giving me an sti. Then came round one night when I was poorly with this sti and still wanted to have sex with me. Was grumpy that I was poorly. He would go grumpy whenever I said no to sex throughout our relationship.

• he is a gambling addict, took a loan out for him 9 months after meeting him to clear his debt. He still kept on gambling.

• would give me the silent treatment when my dc said it did something that annoyed him. Even the smallest things.

• found out he had been gambling again 4 weeks after I had a miscarriage and 8 weeks before we got married. He fell out with me because of my reaction to finding out he was gambling. He wanted to cancel the wedding.

• would accuse me of not wanting to spend time with his dc. I did everything for them. There was one particular time when I was pregnant and had sickness, he was taking his dc bowling and I didn't feel like going as I had been sick twice that morning. He accused me of not wanting to spend time with his dc. I went bowling and he ignored me the whole time.

• he shouted at me the day before I gave birth.

• he shouted at me 3 days after birth because I was in pain and he had arthritis. My pain would be gone soon but his would last forever.

• he would still carry on gambling. Would promise me daily that he would stop but he never did. Not bad enough to leave us with no money. We always had money but it would be around 8-10k a year on gambling when we were supposed to be saving for a mortgage.

• didn't speak to me for days because he wanted to take a loan out to buy a car we didn't need - again supposed to be saving for a mortgage. He accused me of being controlling with money.

-he would use me for childcare constantly for his dc. His son would have no routine when he was here. He was allowed to stay up until 11pm at 4 years old eating sweets. I hated it but when I tried to get any sort of routine going, it just wouldn’t happen. We didn’t work together as parents.

• I once wanted to book ds on to swimming. £30 a month. He told me it was too much and we should be saving. He was gambling more than ever at this point.

• my mental health took an all time low. I felt very worried that I might end up being a danger to myself. I wasn’t ok. I called exh at work to tell him how low I was feeling. His response was ‘I don’t need this’ and ‘it’s annoyed me to be honest’. All because I rang him at work. He is self employed. He lost his dad to suicide and he blamed his reaction to that. He apparently didn’t know how to react to anyone talking to him about suicidal because of his dad. Please keep reading - it carries on later with this.

• I moved in with my mum. Took the dc and left. Went to the gp and got help for my mental health issues. He then told me he is having a nervous breakdown. Everything became about him. I didn’t move back but everything became about him despite it being me that was poorly. He told me he felt like killing himself too - I was there for him.

• he then ended up absolutely convinced that I had someone else. He was certain. I used to have to FaceTime him around my mums house to prove I had no one here. It was awful. He had absolutely convinced himself there was someone else and looked for any clues possible to prove it.

• 7 weeks later, because I hadn’t moved back and even though he was still trying to ‘save our marriage’ he started a new ‘friendship’ with another woman. He insisted they were just friends and she was helping him get through this.

• I then ended up calling the police as he would not leave me alone. He also sent some threats and he was just being nasty. I blocked him completely and we went no contact for a while.

• after a while contact resumed and he began seeing ds again. He ended the ‘friendship’ with this woman and we all saw a massive change in him. He was in therapy and doing really well, stopped gambling. I never moved back in with him but I did begin spending more time with him…..because I was stupid. But I thought to myself, ‘if I don’t try now after his therapy, then I will never know’

• the woman he had a ‘friendship’ with did get in touch with me. She was hurt and angry. She told me exh made me out to be crazy. Said they were sleeping together on a regular basis from the start and that he told her he loved her. I chose not to believe it but I do now.

• I ended up being given a house through a housing association. It was in an absolute terrible state as most of them are. It was awful (I’ve actually been given compensation due to how bad it was). Exh offered to help me do it up. He is actually a highly recommended builder and the one thing I can trust him with is anything building wise. This went on for months. He made out he was always doing it for me and the dc. He wanted us to have a nice house. He never moved in but when we eventually started living there, he did stay and so did his dc - my step children. I never lost contact with them through this whole thing. They mean the world to me even now. I’m still very close to my step daughter.

• things started to get bad with his step son. His behaviour changed (understandably) and I did absolutely everything I could to try help him. I went out of my way to get him some things he really needed (paid for by me) and I got no thanks from exh. He was angry at the situation and left the next day. He took it out on me even though non of it was my fault. He asked me to pack up this things and I did. A week later he wanted to come back. I was stupid and I let him.

• I asked him to plan something nice for my birthday. He didn’t plan anything at all. I cried for the whole day. The gifts were fine but the card was the first one where he wrote ‘love exh’ and not anything romantic. In this time, he was very cold with me and quite snappy. I was walking on eggshells around him in a house that was mine. I didn’t understand what had happened. He promised me everything would be different. He was going to change.

• I decided to ring him when he left the house to tell him I’d had enough. I didn’t know what I had done but I don’t know why I was back to tip toeing around him. Feeling scared. He came back, got his stiff and left. This time I never let him back. I was adamant it was over. He begged to come back. He was promising he would change.

• He then went on holiday aboard for a week but in the is time, was convinced I had someone at my home. Again, I was back to FaceTiming him to prove that I didn’t. He apologised and apologised. Also told me he had a relapse with his gambling.

• He then came back off holiday and began to remove the rest of his stuff, still promising me he would change. Using any excuse he could to come round. He would then try to cuddle me and want sex. He used to ask to touch me repeatedly and id say no...but he wouldn't drop it. He then would say was sorry for everything. He couldn’t help it. He was struggling. He was back in therapy and back on medication. I still refused to let him back.

• He was still convinced I had someone else. Barely seeing ds at this point. He took ds to football training for the first time in forever. He dropped ds off and went into my bedroom, looked through my phone convinced again that I have someone else. He then threw my phone when I asked him to leave. He refused to leave but eventually did. As he left, he told me I wouldn’t see him again because he was going to kill himself and it would be my fault.

I called the police and have not seen him since. He has not seen ds since either. This happened at the end of October.

Since then, he has threatened to take my to court for the work he did on the house, he wants paying for labour. Told me my step daughter doesn’t like me anymore (we are very close, that’s not true) tried to make me FaceTime with ds because he thinks I’m not with him and I’m with my mystery man instead. He's called me horrible, cold, nasty and that he hates me.

He is now in a new relationship 5 weeks later and is now leaving me alone. I thought I was over it all but I feel now he is finally leaving me alone, I am absolutely heartbroken. I cried all day yesterday. All day. I don’t understand any of it. Like how bad was this?

I’ve done the freedom programme. Im in therapy. I’ve really been very very strong. I am changing as a person. I’ve been very very weak. I just feel so so sad that this has happened.

Yesterday he had a FaceTime with ds and stupidly I got upset. He then text me to ask what was wrong and told me to ‘just think of the good times’. There are no good times for me because I spent the last 8 years of my life walking on egg shells. He told me he still wants to be there for me and began putting ‘x’ back on the end of his messages. I didn’t reply in the end.

I am much stronger than I sound here but some days the grief just takes over. The minute I woke up yesterday I just couldn’t stop crying. I suppose that’s healing though?

This is long, probably the longest thread I’ve ever done. There’s much more to the story. I just needed to vent. I’ve been so very stupid!

I'm so sorry if this doesn't make much sense - I'm very tired and like I said, I cried all day yesterday. It was just awful.

I can't stand him, why am I still feeling like this? He's gone and out of my life finally. It's what I always wanted. I used to dream of living without him and what life would be like. But I'm not enjoying it. I feel well and truly not over him yet I hate him.

There is a lot of 'wtf was I doing moments'. They are the worst for me because then I wonder why I put up with it and then that leads to 'well maybe I was the probelm'

If I could have just stood up to him. If I could have not been so scared. If I didn't let his silent treatment bother me. If I could have just been stronger.

I literally go round and round in circles.

Then I wonder if his new girlfriend can fix him or at least put up with him. Or wonder if she doesn't see the issue with him at all.

I really hope so. I hope I've hit the lowest point in all of this. I just want to feel content

Then I wonder if his new girlfriend can fix him or at least put up with him

He has three kids by three different women so far. I think it's clear who the problem is.

Whether he changes or not (unlikely) he's clearly fucked up three relationship with women he has kids with.

From your op, it sounds like he is pretty much constantly cheating/playing the field/always had at least two women on the go. All the stuff about suspecting you had another men is a reflection of that; it's absolutely classic projection - because he always has, if he had the opportunity, more than one woman on the go. He can't compute that other people are not like him.

He sounds like a absolute fkg disaster area. I feel so sorry for his kids and for you guys (his exes). I don't hold out much hope for his latest partner. But ... Those things take a long time to come out in the wash; look at how long it took you to process his behaviour and start fighting back and split; during that time people who knew nothing may have thought "oh he's got a serious partner and child with her; maybe this one is working out, maybe he's changed".

Anyway women are not supposed to fix men. They are not supposed to be rehabilitation centres for men.

That's just putting themselves second and putting themselves and any kids in a position of being vulnerable to, and potentially treated badly, and caused stress and instability for a man.

Noone should have to fix him. Noone can fix him. That's up to himself. He doesn't sound a likely candidate for it.

well maybe I was the probelm

Are his other two exes and mothers of his kids the problem too?

Do you really think he'd have changed his behaviour if you'd stood up to him more?! I think it wouldnt have changed his behaviour and the relationship wouldve just broken down faster.

It does sound like you took a lot of behaviour, kept seeing him, got into major investigation with him (having a child) while he was showing you shitty behaviour ..... And you probably do need counselling etc to understand why you did.

Oh, OP - you are doing so much better than you think! The fact that you have been through all of this, completed Freedom, secured property for you and DS, can list everything so logically and critically and you KNOW it isn't your fault. You are still healing from extreme trauma though - give yourself some love and patience. Sending hugs and my best wishes for a calm and peaceful Christmas xx

Thank you. Everything you say is spot on.

We lasted almost 8 years. He's had many many relationships. Some lasting months and some years...but none of them as long as 8 years.

I think I just need to accept I'll never fully understand. I'll never have all the answers. I know my truth and that's enough.

Thank you so much. I really have done a lot of work on myself and just learnt so very much about abuse in general.

On my wobbly days, it takes me by surprise because I feel like nothing has actually sunken in and then I get annoyed with myself. I know it was domestic abuse. I can see that so clearly but believing that it happened to me seems to be a completely separate issue.

I can't stand him, why am I still feeling like this?

Id guess because you're grieving OP.

Grief for your relationship.
For the man you thought he was, for your friend, your partner.
Grief for your family unit & your kids.
Grief for the years invested (but never wasted, we learn & grow).
Grief for your Mum not being able to put you first & give you what you need right now.
And just feeling really tired of this shit and hurt & sad.

Let It all out. Feelings will change. You will move on from this.

That's exactly it. It's realising that even the nice part of him was probably fake and that is very painful and just makes me feel pretty worthless. I now feel he looked at me as an object. To see what he could get out of me and use me for.

I was looking at my old bank statements earlier. The amount of money I used to lend him was unreal. I took a loan out for him 6 months in to pay off his gambling debt. Granted he did pay it all back but it was risky. He had no where to live at the time and ended up moving in and before I knew it, his dc were staying too and I was doing the majority of the childcare.

I look back now and think what did he actually bring to my life? He goes to work and he works hard. He has a stressful job. But he thinks that makes him king of the castle.

Just re visiting this thread..

Ex told me his new gf is pregnant. That's 4 kids to 4 different woman now.

Don't know how to feel. I was doing well and this has thrown me slightly

Well it bloody shouldn't throw you because you know exactly what the new one is going through don't you? You know she is going through the exact same thing that you did. Has no one else in his life noticed the pattern yet? Abuse, get pregnant, abuse more etc.
You smile and congratulate him. Do not give him any sense of 'winning'. Then you keep on keeping on. You are so strong. Look what you woke up to every day for years. Yet you did. You got up everyday and did what you had to do. You are wonder woman. He on the other hand, needs to repeat the same pattern over and over to function and get his needs met.
YOU will thrive, if you allow yourself and tell yourself that you deserve to.

Your journey has been so hard. SO hard. But it sounds like you’re incredibly strong. This will feel like a set back, a big slap in the face. But it’s not. You’ve had a luck escape. He’ll be pulling exactly the same tricks on her. Feel sorry for her. You’ve got to wonder why he told you, too. To get a reaction no doubt. Don’t reply. Let him get on with his next car crash and you carry on with your life with your head held high lovely xx

Hi OP, I've found the Chump Lady site the best thing to help me make sense of why I loved a bastard and how to help myself heal from that.

Thank you all.

I did reply and say congratulations.

He introduced my son to her straight away. Then went no contact with my son for 10 weeks

We have gradually got contact sorted but my son still doesn't know the new gf name. She has 3 kids. Ds likes the youngest one but not the oldest 2.

We are 6 months on and ds still talks about wanting mummy and daddy back together.

I filed for divorce and it took him 6 weeks to acknowledge it.

He paid no maintenance so I went to csa. He started to pay but has missed this weeks payment again.

Now the new gf is pregnant. Baby number 4 for them both. He's in his forties.

The whole thing is constant drama from his side

Oh yes I have noticed the pattern - we all have.

In his email he said it was a complete shock.

It wasn't.

He wanted me to get pregnant after 4/5 months. I said no. We were together 2.5 years before we had ds. It's so she has to stay and he has somewhere to live.He did it with the 2 women before me too. It's embarrassing really.

I think it's just a shock even though im not shocked. We could all see it coming but the new gf has older children. She was well and truly done with the baby part and had her life back. She loves going out and drinking. Ex was out drinking with her every weekend though he never drank much while he was with me. She is the dancing drunk on a table doing karaoke type.

Now they're both going to be stuck in with a baby.

Thank you for your kind words. I had to reply as he mentioned ds in it but I sent back 'huge congratulations ' and I was happy for them both. I refuse to let him portray me as the crazy ex wife.

It's been so hard. Honestly the last 3 weeks have been pretty much drama free from him and it's been lovely. I've been doing really well. I won't let this stop me but I think it's understandable to be a bit upset.

It just makes me realise even more that I was absolutely nothing to him at all. I was just an object to serve.

So glad I'm out of it!

He sounds awful op. I am sorry you went through all of that. Have you read the book ‘women who love too much?’, it may be worth a read. Good luck for the future.

I have actually bought it as I heard good things but not read it yet. That reminds me to read it - thank you!

Is this the man who builds a media unit for women?

I've just spilt up with my husband after being pushed and pushed . I feel sick . Worried . Excited . Ready . Totally not ready . Exhausted. Inching to book a week in a log cabin on my own to just sleep for a week.

Tips pleaseeeeee. I'm angry at the moment I expect that won't last and I'll be a blubbering mess soon enough .

Why is love so bloody hard .

Sorry wrong place

There is a lot of 'wtf was I doing moments'. They are the worst for me because then I wonder why I put up with it and then that leads to 'well maybe I was the probelm

Its the boiled frog - you don’t see it because it happens so slowly.

If it wasn’t for a few minor details I would have said you were my friend. His new gf is 48 and they have explored IVF for her to have yet another of his children. Her mother is the same - still in an abusive marriage.

Men like this pray on vulnerable woman, love bombing, extreme shows of affection, etc nothing you’ve said surprises me.

You’re son will now grow up to have a real chance at a great relationship - you can raise him to be better and want better - you can stop the cycle of abuse.

DF now has 3 children lives a peaceful life and is happy to be single, in charge of her own money, her own house, she knows what’s she’s going home to.

Keep your fingers crossed he stays with this woman and stays away - he may use your son to show his GF he is father of the year. He’s obviously told her you’re crazy and he wants custody etc - don’t let this get into your head/

The courts have seen it all, keep a diary, text messages, abuse, photographs, finances, promises not kept - anything and everything.

This is quite an empowering thing to do.

Do not let this man abuse your future.

Best wishes @birleywoo . Like you I wonder why I didn't see the behaviour at the start and took 20 years but it's classic love bombing etc. You were quicker than me! I've found chump lady too. Thank you to the poster for mentioning the site.