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Original poster

Would you give up on him?

39 replies

TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 08:43

I've been with my boyfriend/partner several years. We have mentioned living together/the future at times but as we both have teenage kids settled in our different towns (20 miles away) it has never been something immediate (both divorced several years).

His divorce was a lot less simple than mine. His ex earns less than he and I and she likes to be a sahm. Since his divorce he has remained as named/guarantor on her tenancy, though obviously he has his own rental place too. There is no requirement for this in the divorce, however I understand it gives the kids a stable home and if he didn't do this then his ex would need to work FT (like I do!).

He doesn't want to come off the tenancy as then exw and kids would have to move to a smaller place, her budget would be less without him.

The issue to me is, that (a) all the time he's on a tenancy with her then he and I could never progress to living together (b) him having his current lifestyle of paying for both their homes means he's financially broke, so we can't/dont have any prospect of 'fun' activities like weekends away, unless I pay.

Am I being selfish? Or is he just prioritising what his ex wants? I can't see that this relationship can go anywhere at this rate.

OP posts:
PieAndLattes · 05/12/2023 08:49

He’s prioritising what his children need - a stable roof over their heads, though I agree that she really should be working now that the kids are teens. It’s outrageous that she isn’t. However, if he is willing to continue funding her lifestyle then there’s not a lot you can do about it. It doesn’t sound like much of a relationship if you’re having to make all the compromises and effectively subsidise his ex through him. I would throw this one back as he’s not meeting your current or future needs.

acpk55 · 05/12/2023 08:58

Am I being selfish? Or is he just prioritising what his ex wants?

I think it’s a bit of both really, he is prioritising his kids ( and ex), but at the same time you are potentially putting your needs above his kids, which is being a bit selfish

how old are his kids, do they need a parent at home full time?

barbarahunter · 05/12/2023 09:07

I don't think this relationship is going to work for you.

Bobbotgegrinch · 05/12/2023 09:13

He's prioritising his kids, which is a good thing.

However there's nothing wrong with accepting that that places blockers on your relationship with him. If you're not happy with what you've got at the moment, it's OK to end it.

Lili132 · 05/12/2023 09:24

Why has she not applied for UC to help her with her rent and bills? If children are over 3 years old she also should be looking for at least part time job. It seems like he doesn't only prioritise his kids but also her having a certain lifestyle. That is not necessarily sustainable after divorce and not compatible with having a new serious relationship.

AmazingSnakeHead · 05/12/2023 09:35

He's doing the right thing. There is no man in the land that would move me to force my children into a new house, just so I can have fun.

Hbosh · 05/12/2023 09:40

I agree with what's been said.
The agreement he has with his ex is between him and her, and his main goal is providing a safe and good home for his children. It's up to him to decide whether he wants to keep sponsoring his ex to stay home with the children. He may feel like he's getting a lot out of this arrangement too, since he won't be burdened at work with requests to pick up the kids when they're sick of stay home whenever they have a day off from school.
Whatever their reasons, if he's happy, she's happy and the kids are happy, it's unreasonable for you to ask him to change the situation.
However, you're entitled to feel like this isn't what you need from a relationship and move on.

Original poster
TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 09:47

The kids are teenagers, 15 and 17.

OP posts:
Howmuchtohireahitman · 05/12/2023 09:52

TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 09:47

The kids are teenagers, 15 and 17.

There is no need for her to be a SAHM at those ages. At this point he's just enabling her to be unemployed rather than just supporting his kids. If he continues to support his ex's choice of lifestyle then I'd leave the relationship. Yes kids should come first in some cases but this is taking the piss. This isn't a matter of putting the kids first, it's pandering to his ex and prioritising what she wants over you.

Thisistyresome · 05/12/2023 10:02

He is prioritising his kids needs. However, he is also over estimating his kids needs. Teenagers don’t need a SAHM. She should be working full time.

The issue is that he probably isn’t good at negotiating with her. It sounds like he may have had a traumatic divorce and is concerned about rocking the boat. He needs to work out how to resolve this not though. In 3 years the kids will be adults is he going to continue to fund his ex wife once the kids a fully grown? Suddenly cutting her off is going to probably cause more friction, he needs to have a plan.

Does he have a friend who is removed from the situation who could work thought it with him? If you were to get too involved it would not be great, he needs a friend more detached to help him. Avoid the normal hard line MN advice but express to him the issue and encourage him to find a friend to help (perhaps if he has a couple who are mutual friends with the ex too?).

TuesWed · 05/12/2023 10:05

The scales are heavily tipped in her favour. Indirectly you’re paying financially and emotionally for her indulgent lifestyle. You’re far from selfish - quite the opposite.
By staying with him, you’re limiting your own life.
Escape now, OP.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/12/2023 10:06

He shouldn't be in a relationship if he continues to financially support his ex to this point as he is committed already to enabling her wants not the children's needs.

I would not continue this relationship.

Original poster
TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 10:09

Thing is, it's all very well if it was temporary, but I agree @Thisistyresome when the kids are 18 which isn't long away, her benefits will dry up and who will pay the bills then? Maybe I'm worrying unnecessarily, but I can't see how this is a sustainable lifestyle.

OP posts:
AgnesX · 05/12/2023 10:09

It's his choice, and presumably he's keeping the status quo for his kids and doing it the easy way for an easier life.

If you don't like the concept of that you should move on.

Whataretheodds · 05/12/2023 10:13

Ultimately it's up to him whether he wants to change the arrangement or continue it, knowing it restricts his ability to set up home with someone else.

Is living with him something that's important to you? Would it mean you uprooting your kids, or him uprooting his? Do you have your kids FT?

Original poster
TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 10:17

Yeah I get that it's his choice and I respect that. I just didn't expect he'd be signing new leases with her forever and that our relationship would be so restricted.

OP posts:
Howmuchtohireahitman · 05/12/2023 10:26

TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 10:09

Thing is, it's all very well if it was temporary, but I agree @Thisistyresome when the kids are 18 which isn't long away, her benefits will dry up and who will pay the bills then? Maybe I'm worrying unnecessarily, but I can't see how this is a sustainable lifestyle.

Exactly. She needs to learn to stand on her own two feet and should have done so ages ago. She's not the first single mother in the world!

Your DP shouldn't be the only one responsible for supporting his kids. It's her responsibility too and by the sounds of it she's sponged off his generosity for long enough.

Absolutely his choice to support her but no way would I be involved with someone so intertwined with his ex and so keen to bend over backwards for her while I get thrown the scraps!

user1471886287 · 05/12/2023 10:45

Kids are almost adults! The ex is just lazy and must have zero pride to think it’s ok to sit at home all day doing nothing. Not a good role model for the kids either.

I wouldn’t continue the relationship if I were you, you will just (quite rightly) get resentful and bitter. Move on

Sunshineandflipflops · 05/12/2023 10:55

As a single mum working full-time with two teenagers, I think it's ridiculous that he is enabling her to stay at home every day.

My dp's ex always refused to work when they were married, beyond a couple of hours a day as a lunch time supervisor. When they divorced she suddenly found herself in the real world and has worked full time since.

As others have said, what they have agreed is between them really but if it's impacting on your relationship and potential future with your dp then you also have a right to have feelings about it and end something which isn't working for you.

acpk55 · 05/12/2023 10:58

Thisistyresome · 05/12/2023 10:02

He is prioritising his kids needs. However, he is also over estimating his kids needs. Teenagers don’t need a SAHM. She should be working full time.

The issue is that he probably isn’t good at negotiating with her. It sounds like he may have had a traumatic divorce and is concerned about rocking the boat. He needs to work out how to resolve this not though. In 3 years the kids will be adults is he going to continue to fund his ex wife once the kids a fully grown? Suddenly cutting her off is going to probably cause more friction, he needs to have a plan.

Does he have a friend who is removed from the situation who could work thought it with him? If you were to get too involved it would not be great, he needs a friend more detached to help him. Avoid the normal hard line MN advice but express to him the issue and encourage him to find a friend to help (perhaps if he has a couple who are mutual friends with the ex too?).

Great advice in this post

SecondUsername4me · 05/12/2023 11:02

Surely he sees you working full time and how it is manageable for someone raising teens?

I'd not continue with thus relationship as he isn't "keeping his kids housed" he is basically paying for his ex to not work.

Original poster
TwinkleAfar · 05/12/2023 11:05

@Thisistyresome I think he has had advice from friends which is always that he should stand up to her demands. I agree it is difficult though, this has been going on many years now.

OP posts:
SecondUsername4me · 05/12/2023 11:09

How often do his kids stay with him?

I'd be suggesting he says to her "I'm stopping funding the rent etc, over and above CMS, as of 1 April, so plenty time for you to sort out your own income. The boys are obviously welcome at mine as much as they want, just so you can factor that in if you need to downsize etc"

AnneLovesGilbert · 05/12/2023 11:11

I wouldn’t have hung around as long as you have. He’s choosing to be financially responsible for another unrelated adult which means he’s not in a position to progress his own life or have a committed relationship. His problem, his loss, and I’d leave him to it.

He’s not doing it “for the kids”, that’s ridiculous. Given MN’s usual response to people using teenaged kids as a reason not to work these replies are amusing.

Have you asked him when he’s going to stop looking after her?

EyeInTheSky23 · 05/12/2023 11:24

Their set up is dysfunctional.

I wouldn't be providing company, sex, socialising, treats etc for a man who can't pay his way equally in our relationship. Just, no.

Whether he means to or not, he's taking the piss out of you.

Hes subsidising her lifestyle and you're subsidising his/both of theirs.
You're not being remotely selfish being dissatisfied with that.

I'm sure he's v happy to do this to any woman who'll take it.

How long til the kids move it and he finally stops this, if ever..... 5 more years, 10?