Would you give up on him?

[TwinkleAfar]

I've been with my boyfriend/partner several years. We have mentioned living together/the future at times but as we both have teenage kids settled in our different towns (20 miles away) it has never been something immediate (both divorced several years).

His divorce was a lot less simple than mine. His ex earns less than he and I and she likes to be a sahm. Since his divorce he has remained as named/guarantor on her tenancy, though obviously he has his own rental place too. There is no requirement for this in the divorce, however I understand it gives the kids a stable home and if he didn't do this then his ex would need to work FT (like I do!).

He doesn't want to come off the tenancy as then exw and kids would have to move to a smaller place, her budget would be less without him.

The issue to me is, that (a) all the time he's on a tenancy with her then he and I could never progress to living together (b) him having his current lifestyle of paying for both their homes means he's financially broke, so we can't/dont have any prospect of 'fun' activities like weekends away, unless I pay.

Am I being selfish? Or is he just prioritising what his ex wants? I can't see that this relationship can go anywhere at this rate.

I think the only good thing to come out of this arrangement is that his children will genuinely know how much their father cares for them and that he did try his best to give them stability etc.

That being said, there are limits and I do think it's extremely unfair that your relationship is suffering because of it. As others have said the mother should apply for universal credit but I suspect she won't want to do that because she will be forced to look for a full time job (which she will know this already) and so its easier for her to live a comfortable life having rent paid and not having to work full time. Life of luxury for his ex while you and your partner are working hard. You and your partners happiness has to be thought about too. I think it's wonderful that your partner sounds like a great dad genuinely trying to support his kids but he also has to be happy and not simply work himself into the ground and go without when it comes to your relationship just because his ex doesn't want to accept her responsibilities as a parent.

Surely this arrangement wouldn't go past the kids becoming 18? Although divorces can be messy, teenagers at they ages are able to see through lies and manipulation. If this agreement was stopped, I'm sure when they both look back at this situation in years to come they will realise their dad tried his best and that it's just not sustainable paying 2 rents and so even if the mother does attempt to turn them against their dad it won't wash.

There are other ways he could try and financially support his kids if he wanted to do that like maybe putting money in a saving account for when their older etc.

First off putting his children first is how it should be.

Now to what I really think, he is using the set up with the Ex as an excuse to not get serious with anyone, it is a very convenient excuse for not progressing a relationship with anyone else, for never moving in with anyone else, for not paying for weekends away or any fun stuff as an equal partner. He is using this situation to keep an emotional distance in romantic relationships while still getting his needs met, on his terms only, without meeting anyone halfway to fulfill their needs.

I would be away on my toes and not invest further in this messed up situation.

So she has her rent paid for with benefits?

Is it just the guarantor bit you're worried about or his financial contribution? And is this contribution in addition to his child maintenance agreement?

Does he want to live with you? Or just making noises when it's brought up?

I hear your frustration, need to have a frank convo with him and then make a decision about your future.

Benefits won't pay her rent if she doesn't work. She would need to work 16 hours to get benefits.

@Dontbeme thanks that is a very good point. If he really wanted to he could find a way to solve this, or a timeline. As it is, he continues on his path of getting needs met without commitment to anyone. Hadn't thought of that!

Is he paying the rent for her or just acting as a guarantor?

@vernatheraven paying rent and guarantor. She's been in the same house for years, it's more bedrooms than she needs but I understand not wanting to disrupt the kids.

i suppose your only option would be to ask about his timeline for ending this extra support, I suppose he is currently paying CM ?

I’m not sure the suggestion by @Dontbeme is right.

It is far too conspiratorial and the pay off isn’t there. Paying two lots of rent is far more than paying his way in terms of relationship events and activities. As a trade off him wanting to retain a manipulation took that requires him to pay rent twice is a bit far fetched.

He sounds to me like someone who is traumatised from the previous relationship (and how it ended) and now isn’t getting over that.

However, as you said he has friends who have advised him to work out how exit this situation then he isn’t taking the action he should be. It is fair enough to be harmed from previous experiences but you can’t wallow in it and need to learn to move on. If he has the support to find a solution but is not taking it then you probably ought to consider if this is viable. If he can’t get this sorted and has not got a plan, then in three years time this is going to be a mess he will also not be able to handle.

I would suggest that you set out explain to his that this is not a sustainable situation and if he is going to endlessly support an ex which places pressure on you then the relationship isn’t for you. Offer to help identify friends who could help him come up with a plan to do the negotiation out of the arrangement, but that is the limit of what you should be willing to take on.

I think he is being a real man by continuing to support the mother of his children, literally you want them to suffer hardship for weekends away, yeah I think you are selfish and jealous. He's an amazing man and dad for not leaving her and their kids in the lurch. I think you should break up and find a man who has the same values as you.

You're in a relationship with him not his ex-wife. If he's doing nothing to change the situation that's on him. Maybe he's happy with the way things are - doesn't have to commit fully to you and you pay for stuff, no aggro from ex.

Parody? Hard to tell sometimes.

If not perhaps ask how it is beneficial for the situation to allow this to continue to the children are 18 then cut the ex off, something she will be even less prepared for having not been forced to get herself together years earlier.

Or do you expect him to keep paying her to live in a house even once the kids leave home? Or if he cut her off once the kids are getting on with their lives would he suddenly stop being a “real man” in your eyes?

@Thisistyresome lol at parody, that's exactly what I thought when I reach your 'traumatised from previous relationship' comment! It's great seeing how we all have different opinions.

@Shaggalicious
OK, good to know you didn't have a point to make on any of those then.