Communication breakdown

[Wormworld7]

Whenever I try to talk to my partner about any issues in our relationship he shuts down, gets defensive, storms off, sleeps downstairs and blocks me on all messaging platforms.

I must admit, I'm human, I'm learning to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship, but I feel I'm working on myself and getting better at expressing myself fairly, giving myself time to think about how I feel or how i want to respond when things get heated. And I don't think he is doing the same work.

For example, ironically, a recurring problem.between us is that he doesn't listen fully when I'm talking about general day to day stuff. He gets easily distracted and zones out, doesn't ask questions or show much enthusiasm for my stories, but when we're talking about his stuff, we can talk at length and both parties are invested and enthusiastic, I know a lot more about him, his life, his social circles than he does mine, because of this, and its obviously upsetting to me. It knocks my confidence because I get anxious to talk or open up, as he either swiftly moves on, changes topic quick, doesn't really engage or many of times I've spoken and he says absolutely nothing. Silence.

I've tried to speak about this issue and how I feel but he just ends up reacting badly to the perceived criticism, telling me its me who doesn't know how "conversations flow" and I never end up feeling heard.

Another example, on the weekend he was moody all.day over house work. I tried talking to him about how his mood and constant moaning as he did stuff was making me feel and bringing down the mood of the house and again, he shuts down, switches it around and blames me.

It's like no matter what the issue, him or me, his only response it to run away and shut down. He can't talk things through and seems so emotionally immature, imo. I end up feeling so hurt by all this and crying, then he doesn't console my upset and ends up berating me for being upset, telling me "just because you're crying doesn't make you right" his lack of interest in resolving things upsets me more and the cycle goes on.

Is this normal behaviour?

This is normal behaviour from a wounded man . Doesn't mean it's acceptable behaviour. The not listening part is pretty normal I'd say when talking about day to day things or gossip they ain't interested. Even getting even more sulky about being sulky about the housework is probably normal but his reaction is not. He sounds very very defensive of critism and maybe needs some kind of therapy but you also sound like you might be a little anxious about being validated and maybe want things a certain way so may nit pick unnecessarily so maybe some work on yourselfs individually then learn to communicate fairly as a couple

How old are you both? I think it's relevant to whether it's a lack of experience or him being a difficult sort.

Thank you, that's a fair response. I definitely want some validation, but I think a healthy amount, that anybody should expect. For example, in a conflict, I'd like to both be able to share our feelings be heard and move on. But we never can, because it has to become this huge thing.

With the day to day chat, I think that's very unfair since i listen to him talk about anythung from.what he had for lunch to conversational topics with colleagues - I know the personality types of everyone he works with or socialises with, I know a lot of his history and how he spent his time before me because I ask.and give him.lots of space to tell me, and I listen enthusiastically. I just don't feel I.get the same back, it's very one sided.

I'm 36, he's 30

He sounds like a 10yo boy. Wounded? Sounds more like immature. Too old to be acting that way. Do you want to be his mother? That's what you're facing.

That is honestly how I feel sometimes. I'm not perfect, so obviously this is just my side of the story. I do have my own issues that I bring to the relationship, but if i get called out I like to think I take accountability and own the things I do quickly enough, even if I do initially get defensive. Above all, through some toxic traits that I'm working on myself, I value communication and don't see how a healthy relationship can exist without being safe to open up and discuss things freely

Its brilliant you've accepted things and work on yourself but He needs to also be doing work though otherwise you will just feel crappie and unseen and majorly unbalanced. How long have you been together ? Any major life issues with him or anything of the sort. He's definitely got the emotional maturity of a 10 year old there's no denying that and mothering and tiptoeing around afterwards won't get him to fix it. You probably either need to see if he wants to fix the communication issues even though its uncomfortable to him or move on because he has to want to change and he does need to really to be in any adult relationship

We've been together almost 2 years this time. We were together for the same time and broke up in 2017, due to him being paranoid and immature. No major life events for him, other than your average childhood trauma, being raised by out of touch boomers who argued often. Anger issues in the family, that sort of thing.

Same for me, that's why I say it so nonchalant lol maybe it's not the average childhood, idk.

I've tried to get him to understand and fix the communication issues, but as you can imagine this takes some level of communication that is literally physically impossible for him. So, we can't really even communicate about the communication issues because then it becomes "see this is why I don't talk to you", because obviously it gets much deeper than simply talking about the problem and he can't even face that.

That's very light for our generation 🤣
Paranoia usually comes from some level of insecurity which also makes sense at him feeling ' attacked / critised ' or overall defensive at the slightest hint of adult conversation.

It sounds like you two have been through the mill a bit already Both should be putting in 100% for a reconciliation. His behaviour isn't fair to you but if he doesn't believe in himself enough to change he can't be forced.

Personaly as odd as it is. I'd try writing a letter in there I'd try offer some reassurance that you love him and want to be with him but also let him know that how he reacts to you isn't fair and outline what you'd love him to do and why it would help ask for a letter back . He may be weird about the letter alone but explain to him he gets defensive at other communication. Couples counselling would usually be good here but can't imagine him doing that. If he doesn't change or at least make steps to you can't stay or you'll resent it in years to come. Many men don't like talking about the more serious stuff but they also know it's needed. His reactions and refusal is pretty extreme

For the record I had one like this when we first got together, we are still together but he can communicate after we worked through things.

Oh my word!!! Darling
If it's this much effort, this much thinking about it,is it really love?
When two people get together it's natural, it just fits.
If you are having to overthink now? What will your relationship look like in a few years?

Thank you. I did try the letter writing, back in our previous relationship, but to no avail. It's like, he will share texts and chit chat all day long when it's light, but the moment any actual substance comes into play, words in general no matter how they're formulated, just turn into gobbledegook and it's like he refises to read or engage in any way shape or form. Honestly it's like aliens could come and offer him the choice of anal probing or a conversation about his partners feelings, and he'd choose the probing 😂😂

When we first got back together, he was getting therapy for the paranoia, he didn't really find the right therapist and it tailed off, and he did very briefly suggest couples therapy, but that was prior to this communication issue being so clear. So when I brought that up again, he flipped that around and suddenly even the suggestion is offensive. Obviously on some level he probably knew couples therapy is going to call him out lol

Glad to hear you managed to work things out with one like this, it gives me hope still!

I don't think wounded people are incapable or unworthy of love. This is just a small insight into our relationship. Many other things fit like a glove and we are very much in love. Relationships do take work, especially with people who have been raised in trauma and have a lot of healing to do on themselves. Love isn't defined by how well a couple can communicate!

You sound so lovely! So lovely!
You sound clear headed and compassionate too. I think you may have to be his teacher. I would definitely stop asking so much about his day etc tone it down. Its not nice for that not to be reciprocated. It will lead in my opinion to you feeling unheard and then resentment sets in. Mirror some of his behaviour back, but not unkindly or manipulatively. Find other ppl to talk to about your day/interests too. Being very available and attentive to HIM and HIS needs needs to tone down. YOUR needs matter too! Dont compromise them. This may feel uncomfortable for you because you will be changing some of your behaviours. If you want change in a pattern of behaviour with another person you have to be prepared to change too and be uncomfortable during the transition stage. Good luck!

Thank you! I've actually tried, to mirror him and show him what it's like, but I actually can't! I think it's a childhood trauma response, but I'm the person that always responds to everyone. Of in a group and there's one person who doesn't speak loudly enough to be heard, I always make sure they're included. I feel really rude not making someone feel heard! I've literally wrote it in my phone notes, just so if ut gets brought up because I'm being rude, I can show him the time stamp and say look, I was just showing you what it's like when the person you want to open up to isn't listening. He does admit, and is aware he has an issue with conversation and every time it gets brought up, after all said and done he does accept that he needs to work on it. But it's SO HARD to get to that because usually, no matter how I deliver it, he gets defensive first and storms out. Just raising any issue is so complex and droves me to the brink of madness. I'll speak up thinking what could go wrong here, knowing i have a valid point, and things then esculate so quickly and i find myself confused and in a real conflict, genuinely not knowing how it got there.

Look. The relationship isn't working for you, on various levels. Your needs are not being met. And he won't discuss anything, ways to change, etc., so where do you go from here?

It's not your job to mend broken men.

I'd dump him - again - since the same old issues are clearly still there. Focus on yourself instead of wondering why he acts like he does.

I don’t like to be harsh, but why are you even with this man-child? Kick him to the kerb.

You have ignored all the warning signs @Wormworld7 and are doing it again. Even if he does have a few good points, they do not make up for all the bad ones. This is only going to get worse.
You are so young at 36 to waste your good years on someone who is not going to change for the better. He is who he is. Horrible immature man-child. Get rid of him.

Learn to love yourself. You will be so much happier without him.

You are so lucky to have advice from many kind strangers who had to learn it the hard way. Listen!

I agree to a degree, but at the same time we have a baby together he's an amazing dad, he's great in so many other ways as a partner. My needs aren't being met and I don't think the foundations for a healthy relationship are either, but thus is my entire life on the line here, not some high-school boyfriend.

I'm.asking here because I genuinely don't know if I'm doing something wrong or my expectations are too high. My gut knows I guess. But if it can be saved, I'd obviously like to work things out

Obviously this is just a small snippet of our relationship and i do feel for him in a way. I see a broken child who wasn't allowed to feel or express feelings safely - which im aware isnt my job to fix, but I'm in this now, so I don't want to give up without trying, or at least asking strangers on the Internet for their input lol

Thank you. We have a baby together, so it isn't as simple as walking away. And he has many amazing qualities, u very much get lots out of our relationship. Of course this is a very big thing. But I've never been modelled a healthy relationship, never witnessed one, I don't know what they look like hence I'm genuinely asking here for help.

I know myself I'm not perfect, I have traits that cause issues too, criticism is hard for anyone to hear but I'm pretty certain I don't do all this stuff that he does, when I'm called out. I'm pretty sure more often than not I do own it. But he does say I gas light situations and that I want all this, when I'm certain I don't. I don't know if that's him gas lighting me by saying I do xyz to blow things up. I don't know. It's hard having to do my own inner work as we go because as I say, I have never been modelled a healthy relationship, I'm working things out myself.

Wormworld7 ·

I hear you I hear you!!! You're doing great , tell yourself that. You are doing the best u can with the tools u have in this moment. If u dont mind me saying it sounds like a narcissist/empath dynamic. You being the empath here. YOU matter, YOUR needs matter!!! As much as his. If he's broken, its HIS job to fix, not yours. NOT yours! Have compassion for sure but be wise too, not foolish. Dont enable the same unacceptable behaviour (even if u understand why) from him ANYMORE. If this is a long standing pattern of behaviour, change it gradually and expect push back from him. Do it gradually in my opinion , gradually put in boundaries , thereby teaching him what you WONT put up with anymore. If he is prone to raising his voice, explain calmly that you won't engage while he is shouting etc and walk away. You still sound so lovlely and caring too! God bless

Thank you! I've actually tried, to mirror him and show him what it's like, but I actually can't!

Maybe u can't right now because Its not your habit/comfort zone /usual behaviour. If u want a change in his behaviour you'll have to change yours first!

but I'm the person that always responds to everyone. Of in a group and there's one person who doesn't speak loudly enough to be heard, I always make sure they're included.

I would try to work out why u need to behave this way. If u behave like this with everyone, there's a reason why and you are allowing yourself to be put last. If u put yourself last so will others