Communication breakdown

[Wormworld7]

Whenever I try to talk to my partner about any issues in our relationship he shuts down, gets defensive, storms off, sleeps downstairs and blocks me on all messaging platforms.

I must admit, I'm human, I'm learning to navigate the ups and downs of a relationship, but I feel I'm working on myself and getting better at expressing myself fairly, giving myself time to think about how I feel or how i want to respond when things get heated. And I don't think he is doing the same work.

For example, ironically, a recurring problem.between us is that he doesn't listen fully when I'm talking about general day to day stuff. He gets easily distracted and zones out, doesn't ask questions or show much enthusiasm for my stories, but when we're talking about his stuff, we can talk at length and both parties are invested and enthusiastic, I know a lot more about him, his life, his social circles than he does mine, because of this, and its obviously upsetting to me. It knocks my confidence because I get anxious to talk or open up, as he either swiftly moves on, changes topic quick, doesn't really engage or many of times I've spoken and he says absolutely nothing. Silence.

I've tried to speak about this issue and how I feel but he just ends up reacting badly to the perceived criticism, telling me its me who doesn't know how "conversations flow" and I never end up feeling heard.

Another example, on the weekend he was moody all.day over house work. I tried talking to him about how his mood and constant moaning as he did stuff was making me feel and bringing down the mood of the house and again, he shuts down, switches it around and blames me.

It's like no matter what the issue, him or me, his only response it to run away and shut down. He can't talk things through and seems so emotionally immature, imo. I end up feeling so hurt by all this and crying, then he doesn't console my upset and ends up berating me for being upset, telling me "just because you're crying doesn't make you right" his lack of interest in resolving things upsets me more and the cycle goes on.

Is this normal behaviour?

When we turn into adults, we are deemed not to need parents anymore. Not because we don't need to be parented, but because we are old enough to parent ourselves. There is a little girl inside you, and she has never been heard. She's never been respected. She's never been accepted. Your parents were supposed to teach her what it feels like to to be loved, respected, and accepted. They were supposed to demonstrate to her that when she felt something, she would be listened to and taken notice of. That her comfort or discomfort would be catered for. They didn't teach her that.

When we become adults, we parent ourselves in the way we were shown to parent, and so, now, rather than feeling that you have the right to feel as you do, and cater to your own feelings, you push your feelings aside. They take the back seat to the feelings of the other person, who you prioritise, just as your parents had to be prioritised, because they were in charge of you.

But that little girl inside you still needs to be heard. The little voice that says 'But that's not fair', or 'You're not being very nice to me', or 'I don't like this', or 'Why are you being unreasonable?'... that's what your boundaries sound like. You've been trained to brush them aside as 'too demanding', 'unrealistic', 'perfectionist', but those feelings, that little girl... they are your heart. They are the core boundaries of who you are and what you are comfortable with. They are not the core beliefs your mind has been conditioned to adhere to.

Start listening to your feelings. They are your boundaries. They are unlikely to change, but your beliefs around them might, and you'll be much happier when they do.

Another thing I was told was 'The only thing wrong with you is your partner'. It was true, when I thought about it. Nobody else thought I was faulty. My friends thought me wise and sensible, work found me to be responsible and reliable, I'm generally regarded as funny and fairly smart. My partner told me I needed a therapist for 'my issues', and I went along with it, despite the fact that I wasn't faulty. Only in believing that I was faulty!

Your boundaries are talking to you. It's why you posted here. Listen to them. You don't need our validation: you need your own. Your feelings are yours, and you have every right to have them. They can't be judged as right or wrong; who would make the rules?!

Hello God, is that you? Lol seriously, I dont know who you are @Watchkeys or where you came from but that was a message that spoke to my inner child deeply. Message received. Everything you just said aligns and rings true. This post has surprisingly spoken more about me than him, not what I expected but for sure what I needed.

I will start to listen to the unheard little girl within me and I will honor her by being true to the boundaries that people have ignored or swept aside my entire life. I hear you, I really do

Isn't that men they like straight to the point convo and not into gossip etc lol..But either way sounds like you both have issues in one way or another to be fair and not sure why you think there going to change second time around

@Ladyj84 lol well this man has no problems gossiping when things concern him. And it's not just gossip it could be anything. Me communicating anything to him gets the same reaction. Unless of course it concerns him, so if I mention the name of another man, his ears seem to perk up and he listens very differently

@marmaladeandpeanutbutter I agree, this is turning into a disaster lol

30 year old men are silly already, and this one is just ridiculous. No matter how much you try you cannot change him to be the man you want and need. Throw this fish back into the pond so it can finish growing up, and go find yourself a REAL man. Plus it seems like he is on the spectrum (autism) if you ask me.

30 year old men are silly already

Wow. Generalising much?

Plus it seems like he is on the spectrum (autism) if you ask me

Did anybody ask you?! Your wisdom-based post is offensive.

@Wormworld7

It's good when someone talks to your inner child, isn't is? I had a counsellor that helped me do it, and it was expensive and took ages and lots of tears and snot... I'm glad to pass it on snotless and free, if it helps you.

What happened to me was that the poor little silenced child, who had started yelling and screaming (i.e. me having some version of adult tantrums) quietened down when she realised she didn't have to shout, and would be heard even if she simply spoke. Now, she's pretty grown up, and clearly states things to me, like 'Erm... we don't like it here, let's go.' or 'Wow, we feel bad around this person, let's leave them behind.' Sounds like yours might have gone down the path of trying to control everything to the nth degree, in uncomfortable situations, and because you don't listen, she's more and more controlling and perfectionistic (is that a word?) to a degree you don't even like, yourself. But that's fine. Stop putting her in these situations, and she'll get her message across to you more calmly. You could even use the perfectionist trait to tell you if you're in an unhealthy circumstance. So, when I used to get tantrum-y, I would walk away, rather than try to get my own way. When you get control-y, perhaps you could do the same. And then on a broader scale, recognise who makes you feel that way. I bet it's not many people? When I recognised that the only person I had tantrums with was my partner, I realised that I could avoid tantrums by staying away from my partner. Forever!

Who else are you problematically controlling around?

@Watchkeys thank you, I'm not so sure it's entirely snot free lol.

I get tantrum-y too, infact I had the most psychotic meltdown of my life lastnight, probably because after really thinking deeply and realising what is going on I had a lot of letting go and releasing to do. It helped massively. But I'm not controlling or tantrumy around anybody else.

Maybe my parents, but not much anymore, if at all, as I have learned not to put myself in those situations, as you say, I have learned to listen to my inner voice in that respect. Its a more obvious one I feel. What I needed to do there seemed much clearer to me.

The abandonment wound in my gets reopened over and over again in this relationship and I cannot do it anymore. Like physically it's bleeding out, emotionally and it feels out of my control because I chose to stay in this relationship, when actually I can just stop being in this situation and try to work on healing that wound once and for all without it being triggered and reopened 3 times a week.

The abandonment wound

The wonderful thing to realise is that it's not a wound. You're not damaged or broken. You are 'you-shaped', and that's not 'faulty'. You, like everybody else, have things you're sensitive to, things you need to do your best to steer clear of. But in the same way that you might not like, say, action films, or nightclubs, it's not a 'fault' that you're happier when you steer clear. It's just a preference. Your current partner is like some equivalent of choosing the vegetarian pasta bake from the menu, when you don't like pasta. Or vegetables.

Choose well for yourself, and you'll find that you don't feel wounded or even hurt any more. And that's a happy life.

@Watchkeys thank you! You are full of wisdom and I'm so glad you jumped on the thread to share it. Thank you :) you've really helped me