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Original poster

Dating a widower

36 replies

Twinklestar68 · 04/12/2023 22:06

Please help me get perspective, I’ve been dating a widower for 3 and a half years, he lost his wife 5 years ago after 18 happy years together.
When we met it felt like fate had brought us together, we had dated briefly at school almost 40 years ago and knew each other’s friends and shared a history that made it easy. His kids were grown and left home (from a previous marriage) I get on really well with them and it was just easy. We bought a house together 2 years ago and live with my 2 teenage boys.
Just recently I am struggling, now that the initial phase has passed I’m left feeling somewhat out of sorts. The more I love him I’m feeling lonely, he used to buy me flowers, a huge bouquet once a month and said he would always do this because he always did for his wife, he hasn’t bought me any for a year at least, his reason is that I don’t look after them properly, when his wife used to tend to them daily.
He visits his wife’s grave at least once a week, takes flowers, he carries her picture in his wallet, on his car dashboard and inside his bedside cabinet. He wears a ring of hers hat he twiddles, his Facebook status still says ‘married’. Believe me when I say I am really understanding, we talk openly about her, we go out to dinner with her parents who are lovely and I try my best not to be jealous, he really doesn’t try and make me feel second best. But at first I felt good and now I don’t think he’ll ever feel like he’s mine, he says he’s happy and it’s not fair to compare me with her but he complains a lot about my boys, my parenting not being strict enough and he makes me feel not respected, not appreciated and my heart is just hurting most of the time, my confidence feels like it’s being chipped away and I feel tearful, hurt and needy (I’m just not like this normally) He doesn’t look at me in that way I think you do when you really like someone, he seems indifferent and I can’t ask him because I understand he’s told me a part of him will never heal, she was his everything.
Can anyone with experience please help?

OP posts:
Burntouted · 04/12/2023 23:25

"I understand he’s told me a part of him will never heal, she was his everything. "

He's still grieving and he will never be fully capable and open to another relationship with another person.

He's with you because you were available, and he is use to a woman being around.. also his grief could have clouded his judgment. He may thought or felt pressured to be ready, but he fully realizes he'll never be.

He has a past and a future that will always include her.

He will never love you in the way you need nor be the man you need. This will never be the ideal relationship for you.

It's best to leave.
There's nothing that you can do or that can be done.

He will carry her with him until the end. .regardless of the time span.

I'm sorry.

Your post holds all the answers.

MardyBra · 04/12/2023 23:46

It sounds like he’s not over her yet. I was widowed more recently than your DP but I don’t do the regular grave visiting, ring wearing and stuff. Obviously people grieve in different ways but he needs to consider whether he’s being disrespectful to you. I wouldn’t place much emphasis on the facebook status though. He probably just forgot to change it.

Original poster
Twinklestar68 · 05/12/2023 07:22

Gosh I feel like he’s just replied to my message himself. Everything you’ve said makes perfect sense and is everything I know to be true deep down, I know he cares for me but it’s not enough obviously. Thank you for your honesty.

OP posts:
TheAverageJoanne · 05/12/2023 07:41

Your title is misleading. I thought it was a chap you'd recently met. You're not dating, your lives are enmeshed, you're living together in a jointly owned property.

Has he got worse recently or has it always been this way? He's being very unfair to you and he got involved far too quickly. Did he lovebomb?

If it were me I'd extricate myself. I get that he's grieving still but notwithstanding that he's being disrespectful and expecting you to be his band aid. He's also far too critical and you've been a bit too accommodating. It's not all about him. I think you deserve someone who's free because in reality this guy isn't I'm so sorry.

Was his wife's death sudden?

Make a life for yourself.

Smugandproud · 05/12/2023 07:50

@Twinklestar68 the chances are he was just as critical of his wife about the flowers, their shared dc etc.
Of course first wife is now on a pedestal.
I have a close friend who married a widower and their relationship is very different to yours. He adores his new wife and rarely mentions his previous dw although he cared deeply for her when she was alive.

Probably moving in after a year was a bit quick op.

AutumnBride · 05/12/2023 07:50

If I've read the OP correctly his wife had only passed 18 months before you started dating, I think that was too soon after an 18 year marriage, I wasn't ready to start dating that soon after a long marriage and a divorce.

You can't go back and change that now, maybe some grief counselling?

TheAverageJoanne · 05/12/2023 08:19

I've got friends who are both widowed in fact they met at WAY (Widowed and Young) group. Both were widowed unexpectedly too, meningitis and a car accident respectively.

It was five years post bereavement they started dating, just bought a house and got engaged. There's a first wedding photo from each of their marriages on display amongst the family photos and they mention previous partners in normal conversation. They probably mark anniversaries too but don't say.

They left a good amount of time and are in a really good place together. This guy is nowhere near that.

Duh · 05/12/2023 08:36

It sounds quite lonely OP. I think you need to tell him that it’s one thing for you to be considerate of his feelings towards his late wife but it’s quite another to be made to feel second best and that you don’t measure up.

He might just be being thoughtless but it’s entirely possible you have been recruited for the ‘wife work’ without the love. Men aren’t good at being alone.

Original poster
Twinklestar68 · 05/12/2023 08:39

Thank you for your support:
No it’s probably been in the last year the shine has worn off, it’s the little things, touch, no praise, no romantic gestures ( I leave him little love notes) we’ve become companions, I don’t feel noticed at all.
His wife died of cancer within less than a year. I’m not trying to be in competition with her, she seemed just lovely, but I think you’re right I’ve been too accommodating. He told me yesterday he’s invited her parents on Xmas day, I don’t mind at all but he didn’t ask me first. He drinks every night and I think it’s to numb himself although he insists everything is fine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Twinklestar68 · 05/12/2023 08:40

I have suggested grief counselling and also couples counselling but he says he doesn’t need it.

OP posts:
barbarahunter · 05/12/2023 08:41

I married a widower and yes of course you respect the fact that he shared a long time with his late wife, and no one chose to leave the marriage.

However, if he makes the decision to commit to a new relationship, then that means a putting aside of the past in some ways. He should not be continuing old traditions with a new partner, you should be forging a new, happy life together while continuing to respect his previous relationship.

This guy is not ready, and maybe he never will be.

Original poster
Twinklestar68 · 05/12/2023 08:44

😔 Dear Duh, it is very lonely, I think you’re right, I don’t feel particularly loved or very special. I’m a bubbly, confident person normally, I feel like I’ve nothing to offer now

OP posts:
Hbosh · 05/12/2023 10:01

It's been said, and I agree.
He hasn't moved on from his wife's death. He's not done grieving.
The relationship you started, may have actually been a distraction to him. Something to take his mind off the grief. That's why it worked well at first, but now that he's realising that nothing you do can ever fill the void of the woman he loved so much, he's pulling back.
It's not your fault. He just wasn't ready for you yet, and may never be.

AzureBlue99 · 05/12/2023 10:09

As much as you can feel sorry for his great loss, it is not a burden you should be carrying. You deserve to be loved as you. Not as a substitute wife without all the loving that cements a couple together. He got into a relationship to fill a void. What he should have done was to wait - he could have been single forever, or more probably, would have had time to process properly the grief. I think you need to think carefully - is this enough for you? Or do you think you should leave so that you can regain what he has taken from you. Because he has taken from you, not consciously, but it has happened all the same.

CreationNat1on · 05/12/2023 10:11

His alcoholism is taking over, and it will cause depression and anxiety. Kick him out for your children's sake, he isn't good for them.

KitchenAngst · 05/12/2023 10:15

Smugandproud · 05/12/2023 07:50

@Twinklestar68 the chances are he was just as critical of his wife about the flowers, their shared dc etc.
Of course first wife is now on a pedestal.
I have a close friend who married a widower and their relationship is very different to yours. He adores his new wife and rarely mentions his previous dw although he cared deeply for her when she was alive.

Probably moving in after a year was a bit quick op.

Yes, this was my immediate thought -- that being a widower isn't the key issue here (or only insofar as it allows him to idealise the dead woman), he's just not a good partner for the OP, takes her for granted, isn't good with her children, drinks etc.

I'd move on, OP. This isn't working for you, and in some ways, it's irrelevant why. Whether he's grieving or just a dreadful partner, the effect on you is the same.

user1492757084 · 05/12/2023 12:17

Will he go to counselling because YOU need it?

He seems insular and conected still to his wife.

Do you feel well loved, valued and listened to?
Maybe you should leave and see what that feels like.

SequentialAnalyst · 05/12/2023 12:17

Flowers, eh? The easy gift for the little woman.

Because she's the one who will have to find the vase, unwrap the flowers, dispose of the wrapping, pick the leaves off the lower stems, cut the last inch off the stems, fill the vase, open the nutrient sachet and tip it in, arrange the flowers, and then check regularly to deadhead and top up water.

And then you can have a pop at her for not looking after them properly!

MargaritaHargitaysLittleSister · 05/12/2023 12:30

I'm a widow and dating again. I resonate with all of this, because I acted with my partner how your partner is acting with you. Except I think the difference here is that I KNEW I was doing it, and acknowledged that it wasn't fair on my DP. Either your partner has no idea that how he's acting is affecting you, or he does and doesn't care. FWIW I worked on myself and whilst my DP will never be part of my past, he is my future

Curtainscurtains · 05/12/2023 12:39

I don't think this is working for you. I'm sorry.

MmedeGouge · 05/12/2023 12:56

I would make the best of it until he comes through this time of mourning.

Even without the memory of the first wife tarnishing things you seem to be expecting the honeymoon period to continue indefinitely. It doesn’t often! Don’t dwell on that aspect of things.

Maybe he bought his first wife flowers every week, maybe he didn’t. Maybe he’s remembering through a rose tint or the things he wishes he had done. That may apply to everything concerning his first wife.
He is probably feeling some guilt that he met and married you so quickly.
Help him, he loved you enough to marry you, try and fight all these negative feelings. Discover your old confidence and work really hard to make a success of your marriage.
His first wife is gone, she is no real threat to you unless you let her be.
Try to ignore all the things that are irritating- you see them as him hanging on to his love for her maybe it’s him trying to assuage the guilt of putting the first marriage behind him so quickly.

If I were you, and I truly loved him I would be working to get through this, fight the jealousy and self doubt.

When his guilt and mourning lessens, as it undoubtedly will, you will be still be there.

If there was love between you both when you married each other you can work through this and make a success of the marriage, just give him time and understanding.

beAsensible1 · 05/12/2023 13:03

You guys have done so much very quickly, it’s seems to have put his grief on stasis and now the honeymoon period is over he is back where he was.

dating seriously after 18 months and then buying somewhere after another 18 months is a lot.

his mind probably hasn’t been still for a long time.

keep gently encouraging the grief counselling and maybe have a chat with his kids.

also why not create your own romantic traditions rather than wanting him to replicate the ones with his previous wife.

you are a separate person

Orangeteatime · 05/12/2023 13:33

I married a widower and I agree with PP that the grief aspect doesn't shine through as the main problem here. Yes, some of his behaviour that is upsetting you is related to how he mourns his late wife, but you also feel like he doesn't respect you, appreciate you, or really like you. He critisises your parenting, and even if he doesn't mean to compare you to his wife, has used her superior flower-arranging skills as a reason to not show you affection through gifts. He's not treating you right.
Your partner could respect and appreciate you and show you that he likes you and still deeply miss and grieve his wife. He is not choosing doing this.

Original poster
Twinklestar68 · 05/12/2023 13:39

We aren’t married, he only ever mentioned getting married once so that I could get his pension if he died and I told him I would only ever marry for love.

OP posts:
Smallonesaremorejuicy · 05/12/2023 13:43

Exactly how I feel about flowers, please don’t send me a huge bouquet that has to be worked on . An arrangement in a basket is different 😂

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