Dating a widower

[Twinklestar68]

Please help me get perspective, I’ve been dating a widower for 3 and a half years, he lost his wife 5 years ago after 18 happy years together.
When we met it felt like fate had brought us together, we had dated briefly at school almost 40 years ago and knew each other’s friends and shared a history that made it easy. His kids were grown and left home (from a previous marriage) I get on really well with them and it was just easy. We bought a house together 2 years ago and live with my 2 teenage boys.
Just recently I am struggling, now that the initial phase has passed I’m left feeling somewhat out of sorts. The more I love him I’m feeling lonely, he used to buy me flowers, a huge bouquet once a month and said he would always do this because he always did for his wife, he hasn’t bought me any for a year at least, his reason is that I don’t look after them properly, when his wife used to tend to them daily.
He visits his wife’s grave at least once a week, takes flowers, he carries her picture in his wallet, on his car dashboard and inside his bedside cabinet. He wears a ring of hers hat he twiddles, his Facebook status still says ‘married’. Believe me when I say I am really understanding, we talk openly about her, we go out to dinner with her parents who are lovely and I try my best not to be jealous, he really doesn’t try and make me feel second best. But at first I felt good and now I don’t think he’ll ever feel like he’s mine, he says he’s happy and it’s not fair to compare me with her but he complains a lot about my boys, my parenting not being strict enough and he makes me feel not respected, not appreciated and my heart is just hurting most of the time, my confidence feels like it’s being chipped away and I feel tearful, hurt and needy (I’m just not like this normally) He doesn’t look at me in that way I think you do when you really like someone, he seems indifferent and I can’t ask him because I understand he’s told me a part of him will never heal, she was his everything.
Can anyone with experience please help?

Wow you’ve done a lot in a short time, who suggested buying a house together 18 months in?

Also he was married before, the late wife was his second wife? The extravagant flowers monthly make me wonder if he’s one of those guys that needs the excitement of the chase and now he’s bored ?

He's not over his wife. He may never be over her. If I was you I'd move out after Xmas. You deserve someone who loves you for yourself and is in love with you in the way your partner loved his wife.

I was widowed. Now married.

He's not behaving like someone who is ready to be in a serious relationship again.

I would put money on betting he was a cunt to his late wife.

When your spouse dies, your heart may expand to take in another love; just as when a second child is born - you don't love the first child any less, but you create more love that's shared equally between the two children.

However, some parents very obviously have a favourite child, the love isn't shared equally, it's weighted towards one child and that makes the less-favoured child(ren) feel pretty shit.

I have no qualms with the timelines of your relationship, I simply believe his deceased wife is his favourite (whether in actuality or through rose tinted glasses).

You, very kindly, are not asking to be his favourite, you're asking to be loved equally to the way he loved his wife and he is telling you he cannot do that; listen to him.

Either accept what he is telling you or move on.

He was not ready for a serious relationship. I would reconsider, especially since he's drinking a lot and treating you disrespectfully.

When my late husband was dying (sixth anniversary coming up) we discussed the possibility of me having another relationship, my husband was anxious that I should be happy in my future without him (he had a terminal diagnosis). We had been married 40 years. over some weeks we talked about it at length. I concluded that I would be unable to form another relationship, as has proved the case. The reason is that my late husband suited my personality, I didn’t just love him, I was in love with him. if I found somebody else, they would be a really nice and good person or I wouldn’t be bothering with them BUT sooner or later, they would react or respond to something in a way that didn’t chime with the way my husband would have responded. this would probably make me upset or even cross with them, and that would be totally unfair and illogical. I would be projecting my wish to restore my cherished husband onto them, and not accepting them as the unique and valuable person they are. For this reason I don’t feel I am suitable material for another relationship and sadly it sounds as if this is the case with your partner. Please don’t let his inability to form another relationship damage your self esteem. he should be aware of this in himself and not have attempted to project his wish to restore his wife onto your personality. You sound like a very kind and loving person and you are yourself, not his wife. I now have a happy life with many friends but no partner and hope to meet my husband again in the hereafter. by the way, I never do any photos or visiting graves or anything… that seems like top show… real attachment is within you and does not need any parading of grief. Take note he isn’t using this parade of grief and loss as a stick to beat you with. You aren’t his first wife and never will be and if that’s too much for him to handle, well, he needs to think about it. You weren’t put on this earth to fulfil his need after loss. You have offered him love and a future, but if he can’t let go of the past the choice is his, no fault lies with you.

he complains a lot about my boys, my parenting not being strict enough and he makes me feel not respected, not appreciated and my heart is just hurting most of the time, my confidence feels like it’s being chipped away and I feel tearful, hurt and needy (I’m just not like this normally)

This is the most important thing. Regardless of his bereavement, this man is not good for you. I'm sorry; it sounds as though you tried really hard to make it work, but he isn't treating you well at all.

Do you think you moved in together too quickly? Typically honeymoon period last for around 2 years so is this the reality for both of you? If he has a low mood alcohol is going to make it worse.

Would you be able to stay in the house if you did end the relationship?

Thank you all so much for taking the time to share your thoughts and experiences, I have been beside myself and it really helped me putting it out there when I felt I couldn’t talk to anyone else about it.

There was a lot of great insight and I shall keep rereading these posts, after a long talk yesterday he has agreed we get some counselling together, I will see how it goes. 🙏 x

Good luck OP