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Original poster

Mixed signals- from married female work colleague

36 replies

Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 19:56

Hi

First Post.

I'm a male after some female advice on my current situation.

I started talking with a female colleague in a previous job last year, we instantly clicked and spoke most days as our job roles involve alot of driving, since then I have left and joined another company, then a position came up at the company I'm currently workingfor, she applied and then got the job.

Now we are in constant contact daily with a mixture of calls/what's app, when we are working together we will often stop for some lunch together when we do we seem to just gaze at each other, I like her and wish it was something more.

The thing is I'm currently going through a break up, and she is married, I'm sure she likes me but I'm unsure, she doesn't necessarily flirt with me but the fact she will ring me daily just for a chat we message around 50 times mon-fri at the weekend she goes quiet.

I'm unsure what to do next I want to tell her how I feel, I'm sure she knows, she talks about her husband the good and bad, which makes me think why would she talk about him to me if she genuinely likes me. I'm afraid if I did tell her how I feel and she didn't feel the same it might make things awkward, we do silly things for each other like buy donuts for each other when we know we are seeing each other.

I'm genuinely unsure if she sees me as a good friend or feels the same as me.

We work together so have to talk daily in that sense.

Thanks for any advise in advanced.

OP posts:
QAnoun · 04/12/2023 20:01

She probably does like you, and specifically the ego boost of having you mooning over her at work whilst having the security of her marriage to return to on the weekends. Don’t count on her leaving her husband for you. You’re better off finding someone single, a lot less pain that way.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:04

Thanks for the reply, not that I would count on her leaving her husband tho, but I don't know how to keep going with at least finding out her feelings? Or is that not a good idea.

OP posts:
yhk · 04/12/2023 20:13

She's a married woman. Respect that and keep well away.

It'll only end in tears.

itsmyp4rty · 04/12/2023 20:16

Don't be an arse, she's married. Back off. End of story.

IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 04/12/2023 20:20

She's married - that is all that needs to be said. Develop some morals and don't even think about going there - 3 people will end up being hurt. Use your common sense

NosamLDN · 04/12/2023 20:21

She is married , that boundary should be respected . Yes you don't owe her marriage a thing as you didn't commit to it with them but still ,would you want your partner being approached by her work mates with feelings etc?

you could express your feelings and state that you understand she is marriage , but if she was single ,maybe you would explore the chance. Then again, you don't want to engage a married woman in your fantasy and it's a D move

Allthewallsarewhite · 04/12/2023 20:23

I personally think that for as long as she is married you shouldn't pursue her or even let her know your feelings. If she had issues in her relationship, severe enough to want to leave, then she would (or should) do that regardless of where you stand, and therefore you should treat her like any women already committed to someone else and assume there is nothing romantic there for as long as she still is in a committed relationship.
Should she ever become single then sure, you could see if there's anything more there, but I would advise against suggesting anything like that now and just appreciate the friendship that you have with her and keep it like that.
If you do share that you have romantic feelings, it may break the friendship. If I was in her position and a male friend would express such feelings for me, it would feel wrong to me to continue the friendship as I feel that would be disloyal and disrespectful to my partner, so I would take a massive step back from said friendship.
Alternatively if she would continue the friendship she would likely do it for the ego boost or she may even be open to cheating for all you know but that's not really the kind of relationship you are after is it? In fact it kind of sounds like you are, because why else would you want to tell her how you feel unless you want her to reciprocate in some way? But trust me, that's not right and will only cause heartbreak.
Just imagine you were in a relationship with her and she would then behind your back be hanging out with another work guy, who is developing feelings for her, the way she is with you. How would you feel and think about her then?

But who am I, maybe I'm just an old fashioned lady on a rant.

PieAndLattes · 04/12/2023 20:24

Back off. Nothing good can come of this. Either she doesn’t fancy you and your working relationship becomes really awkward or she does like you on which case you’ll end up having and affair and she’ll be sneaking around behind her husbands back. My guess is that she enjoys the attention she may not be getting at home at the moment and sees you as a good friend/shoulder to cry on. In your shoes I’d keep quiet. If she says anything you can tell her that you’d like to explore the possibility of a relationship once she has left her husband and had time to recover because you don’t want to be an exit affair or a substitute.

Watchkeys · 04/12/2023 20:24

She's married. She's made a commitment to someone else. That should help you understand where your feelings for her lie on her priority list.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:28

Just to update all, I would not ask or encourage her to ever cheat in fact I wouldn't all the time she was married, it's more I'm just trying to understand is she being overly kind with me or is she the one wanting more maybe?

OP posts:
volcanoeyes · 04/12/2023 20:29

How old are you both? Does she have kids? Are you willing to make a move and lose the friendships or take on her and her family if she's into you and has kids?

It does sound like she likes you back from what you've written but not straightforward.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:30

Thanks for the reply, and I guess this is the answer I was looking for

OP posts:
AutumnComfort · 04/12/2023 20:30

They're not mixed. She's married regardless of how she may or may not have been acting. Walk away.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:32

Hi both of us are in our thirtys, we both have kids but we both have Complicated life stories, it's almost a case of Jim and pam from the office

OP posts:
Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:33

I completely agree, thanks for reply, I'll keep the feelings to myself

OP posts:
Singleandproud · 04/12/2023 20:34

Where do your morals stand? It shouldn't matter if she wants more, she's made a commitment to someone else. That should be enough for you to stop this cold.

I have a friend who I love dearly but openly talks about flirting with a male colleague and her carry on with him as she is bored in her marriage and enjoys the attention he gives her and reminds her of not just being 'mum" and 'wife', it's not about liking him it's about the attention.

Start having lunch with someone else and keep talk to work only.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:35

Agreed, thanks for the reply

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 04/12/2023 20:36

or is she the one wanting more maybe

Wait until she makes her feelings clear. This isn't about you. Even if she does have feelings for you, have some respect for her position.

Why do you think we can guess what she's feeling when you can't? You know her. We don't.

Dery · 04/12/2023 20:37

For me, your first instinct was right - she’s probably talking to you about her husband to remind you that he exists and she is unavailable. Knowing that you know she is married, she probably thinks it’s safe to enjoy a bit of light flirting with you because to her it’s meaningless and she thinks you understand it that way too.

Would you really want to date a woman who attaches so little importance to her marriage that she would have an affair with you? How would you ever trust her? You’re not more special than her husband or - to put it another way - he’s no less special than you.

And she may well not want a relationship with a man who thought it was okay to pursue her despite knowing she’s married.

You’ve just come out of a relationship. Don’t you want to spend some time single then look for a woman who’s available?

MrsMerryMistletoe · 04/12/2023 20:38

IF she is really interested in that way she will let you know for sure.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:38

Thanks for the reply.

I respect our friendship to much to risk upsetting it, and like many have said just walk away

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 04/12/2023 20:40

It’s a lose lose situation.

If she turns you down your friendship may be ruined.
If she accepts she’s a common garden cheater, a liar with no integrity. So definitely not a catch.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:40

True, time will run its course, I'll step back and respect her poistion

OP posts:
Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:41

Thanks for the reply I didn't really see it like that but I guess it's true

OP posts:
Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:42

Thanks for the reply, appreciate your honesty 👍

OP posts:
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