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Original poster

Mixed signals- from married female work colleague

36 replies

Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 19:56

Hi

First Post.

I'm a male after some female advice on my current situation.

I started talking with a female colleague in a previous job last year, we instantly clicked and spoke most days as our job roles involve alot of driving, since then I have left and joined another company, then a position came up at the company I'm currently workingfor, she applied and then got the job.

Now we are in constant contact daily with a mixture of calls/what's app, when we are working together we will often stop for some lunch together when we do we seem to just gaze at each other, I like her and wish it was something more.

The thing is I'm currently going through a break up, and she is married, I'm sure she likes me but I'm unsure, she doesn't necessarily flirt with me but the fact she will ring me daily just for a chat we message around 50 times mon-fri at the weekend she goes quiet.

I'm unsure what to do next I want to tell her how I feel, I'm sure she knows, she talks about her husband the good and bad, which makes me think why would she talk about him to me if she genuinely likes me. I'm afraid if I did tell her how I feel and she didn't feel the same it might make things awkward, we do silly things for each other like buy donuts for each other when we know we are seeing each other.

I'm genuinely unsure if she sees me as a good friend or feels the same as me.

We work together so have to talk daily in that sense.

Thanks for any advise in advanced.

OP posts:
LightSpeeds · 04/12/2023 20:46

Have some respect for her husband and back away!

HereForTheFreeLunch · 04/12/2023 21:30

Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 20:04

Thanks for the reply, not that I would count on her leaving her husband tho, but I don't know how to keep going with at least finding out her feelings? Or is that not a good idea.

It's sooo not a good idea. It's a crush and will pass. Just wait it out without a word. Will be less embarrassing in the long run.

Meanwhile keep your social life going, who knows, you may meet someone you like who is single too.

lamplighterz · 04/12/2023 22:34

I had thing like this with a work colleague, I wish he had told me as I never said anything but spent many breaks gazing at him.

The situation you describe is very similar and I often still think of them.

Original poster
Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 23:12

Thanks for the reply, was u in a relationship at the time ?

I feel it would be so much easier if I knew how she felt

OP posts:
Dery · 04/12/2023 23:28

@Hulkmania2003 - she feels married. That’s why she’s made a point of talking to you about her husband.

Is 2003 your birth year? Is she a similar age or older? If you’re still very young (and forgive me if I’m wrong about that but you’re coming across in your posts as very young), you may not yet realise that most people in mature, long-term relationships will experience attraction to other people from time to time but have no intention of acting on it because they value their relationship with their partner above passing attraction to other people.

Think about it - why would you need a wedding vow to forsake all others if everyone else ceased to be attractive as soon as you got married? The point about commitment is that you value your partner and your shared love above all else. So she may think you’re attractive and enjoy some ‘safe’ flirting without imagining for a moment that it means anything.

You don’t need to know how she feels. Pursuing a married woman is not a good look - it would show you as lacking in integrity - and if you push this you will likely ruin your friendship. You need to focus on the fact that she is married and unavailable. Spend some time single and then look for a woman who’s single.

Ofa · 05/12/2023 00:02

Ugh this is why I don’t bother to have male friends anymore. I’ve had 7 male friends who mistook a close friendship for something more and declared feelings for me. It’s very annoying.

OP just enjoy her company and stop trying to make it a sexual thing. It’s not. It’s just a close friendship.

Epidote · 05/12/2023 07:42

I wouldn't think she talks about you to her husband.

As you are separating could be that she think you will understands the shit or her relationship, could be that she enjoys your attention or whatever but I think that she is using you.

Mistymist · 05/12/2023 08:10

Why would it be easier?
What if she likes you? Would you want to have an affair with her?
If i were you, I would distance myself from her. She is married and unavailable and you disclosing your feeling will bring a lot of drama.

DontDoIt2023 · 05/12/2023 08:43

I am the married woman in a similar scenario.

Please don't do it, walk away. I am fortunate that whilst my husband recently discovered everything (I had just ended it with the other guy before he found out), we are trying to work through it, but the amount of pain & hurt it has caused all three of us is just not worth it. Ever.

If she is truly unhappy in her marriage, she needs time & space to work that out. Or she is just loving the attention she's getting from someone she's attracted to.

lamplighterz · 05/12/2023 12:26

Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 23:12

Thanks for the reply, was u in a relationship at the time ?

I feel it would be so much easier if I knew how she felt

Both married.

Bobbotgegrinch · 05/12/2023 12:43

Hulkmania2003 · 04/12/2023 23:12

Thanks for the reply, was u in a relationship at the time ?

I feel it would be so much easier if I knew how she felt

Hey @Hulkmania2003 , if you click the 3 dots at the top right of the post you're replying to, and select quote, we'll be able to see the post that you're replying to. The reply button doesn't actually reply to someone. It's daft, I know.

In regards to your actual issue, she's married, so back off. You don't want to get stuck in an affair situation. It's sleazy as fuck, and you're likely to come off worst out of it. It's not worth risking your job over.

I'd say to her "I don't think our current relationship is appropriate for colleagues, so I'm going to back off. I'm happy to be friends, but I don't think our current level of contact is fair to your husband" and mean it.

Be conversational and polite in the office, but back right off with the messaging

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