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Original poster

Can you make a relationship work with an ex?

37 replies

ExDebate · 04/12/2023 18:29

I'm curious about any good or bad stories regarding getting back with an ex.

For context, my ex and I had split up. It has been horrendous 8 months with ex being a shit parent, rebelling and moving in with another woman. The last few weeks we have been talking about how unhappy he is and how he made mistake and that he wants to come back. We kissed few times and the connection is there but I'm sceptical if we can make it work. I have worked on myself and seen my errors, he is not in the same boat however saying he is prepare to work and go couples therapy.

So hit me with any stories you may have. Is it possible to make it work or best to leave it alone.

OP posts:
AmazingDayz · 04/12/2023 18:54

I was just thinking about this so will be following as well

Muchonachomiamigo · 04/12/2023 18:58

He is an ex for a many reason/s I assume?

Why the actual fuck would you want to go back there? Sounds like he is looking for somewhere to live and you are a soft option.

Pick up your self respect and raise your bar.

Original poster
ExDebate · 04/12/2023 19:03

We split up for many reasons. We both had though time and lost ourselves in the relationship. We have children, we both still have feelings for each other. We are both scared whether this could work or not. On one hand it think if we go back to the start and avoid making the same mistakes, we could be really good. On the other hand we both worry what happens if it doesn't work out.

OP posts:
Koalatreats · 04/12/2023 19:04

Where does he currently live? Is he single and independent?

Aria999 · 04/12/2023 19:06

I think the question should actually be, can you make a relationship work with someone you know to be a shit parent who abandoned his partner and child and moved in with another woman when the going got tough. It clearly was not even because they were soul mates, because here he is back again!

CalistoNoSolo · 04/12/2023 19:06

Just don't. Don't waste any headspace on it either. He won't change (though he will try and convince you he has), but worse than this he was a shit parent. That must be a dealbreaker surely?

chloe5194 · 04/12/2023 19:09

Me and my DH were together 5 years, he left when I was pregnant with DD1 who is now 6. After a turbulent first year we co parented really well. He'd been seeing a few people over the years. We got back together 3 year ago and since then we've got engaged and now have a 7 week old.
He was rather emotionally immature by his own admission but no regrets here. We started fresh and spoke openly about the negatives of our first relationship and put it all to bed.

Muchonachomiamigo · 04/12/2023 19:09

You said he was a 'shit parent'?
Isn't that enough to not want him back? What about the impact on your children?

What form does 'rebelling' take? Apart from moving in with another woman, not taking steps to improve himself and being a shit parent.

How is any of this attractive as a life partner?

Original poster
ExDebate · 04/12/2023 19:13

I get all of the above points... and part of me agrees that being a shit parent is huge. Then there is a part of me that knows people make mistakes and sometimes loose their mind and go off and do stuff they wouldn't normally do, like midlife crisis. He has other places he could move to but he said he wants to fix this. I want to hear stories of people making it work or not making it work.

OP posts:
Isheabastard · 04/12/2023 19:21

The only way I think it would work would be if he stays living separately. If he doesn’t agree, then he’s just looking for somewhere to live.

Actually do it like starting again, but maybe have a type of contract or agreement about certain behaviours neither of you will accept from each other. How you will deal with disagreements, ie walking away, 10 min cooling down period?

How you will host each other, who pays what, take turns etc. Even what is expected on birthdays.

Think carefully about why you broke up, and put in rules about that. Write a list now of the poor behaviours that caused problems. Maybe even have a monthly review, either with each other or just yourself.

Remember Nothing changes if Nothing changes. Treat this like a work project, with expectations, management strategies, reviews and solutions. Expect your old relationship dynamics to creep in. Keep doing work on yourselves.

Read as much as you can about how good relationships work and how to communicate effectively. Put in boundaries early and be prepared to walk away at anytime. Just don’t drift into old habits. Do some therapy or enlist a friend to be accountable to.

Personally, I wouldn’t go back with my ex, but I’m not you.

Koalatreats · 04/12/2023 19:33

Sorry to repeat myself but where is he living now?

WingedHermes · 04/12/2023 19:35

Yes. I got back together with my ex. We were apart for eight years though and we both changed a lot in that time. After eight months? Not a chance I don't think.

Original poster
ExDebate · 04/12/2023 19:43

@Koalatreats Moving out of the woman's house. He does have 2 other options to move both of which would be easier if he didn't want the work

OP posts:
FairyMaclary · 05/12/2023 08:08

Does she 100% know they aren’t together? Or is he stringing her along for a roof? And hedging his bets if you say no.

I would suggest he gets his own flat, with a room for the kids. That he lives alone and you guys date for a year or two before you move back in.

If he’s serious he would go for it. Bit of space. Take things slow so the kids are put first.

If he moves in with his mother (getting a woman to take responsibility for housing him AGAIN) to ‘save money’ or ‘provide childcare’ or ‘because flats and bills are expensive and I’m not a good cook and how do I use the washing machine?’ I would run like the wind. Yes a flat is expensive - single parents struggle. Tough. You make poor choices and they have repercussions- being skint in this instance.

Too many losers rely on women to fund their shit choices in life. Jumping from one responsible adult to another leaving a trail of kids, destroyed relationships in their wake. Often wanting to keep their cash for their booze, hobbies and cannabis. I apologise if he is paying more than the CMS bare minimum and is about to rent his own flat (not room in house where kids have nowhere to go).

The grass always looks greener when he hasn’t had chance to shit on it yet .

Whattodowithit88 · 05/12/2023 08:10

Moved in with another woman. If it was still going great with her he wouldn’t bother with you, it’s only because things are going downhill with Wonder Woman his sniffing around otherwise you would be left for dust.

Stop being his fool.

FairyMaclary · 05/12/2023 08:13

Also what’s his reason for his poor behaviour? What has he done to fix his issues?
Why is he different now?

Connection means nothing when your values and integrity and self worth are compromised. What value does this man bring to your life? Why is your life improved with him in it? He’s a shit parent who ran off with a woman until he realised the grass isn’t greener. Then he begs for his old life back. Yet he hasn’t moved out of her house. So he’s STILL sponging off her.

Poor quality man. I think people can repair relationships but only if they do a lot of hard work on themselves.

gannett · 05/12/2023 08:25

It has been horrendous 8 months with ex being a shit parent, rebelling and moving in with another woman.

Good god why are you even considering going back to him.

Shodan · 05/12/2023 08:31

Nothing in what you have written suggests that starting over with this low-quality chap would be a good idea.

If you really must pursue it, the only way it might possibly work is for him to get his own place, with room for the children to stay, and you can start dating.

If he moves in with you, he won't do the work and you'll end up in the same situation. That is guaranteed.

Original poster
ExDebate · 05/12/2023 09:16

All those answers are exactly my worry deep down. I wanted to give it a go because we share connection and supposedly both have feelings for each other and obviously have children. However, yes he thought grass was greener and to be fair I don't think he was happy from the beginning. I am struggling to decide. He won't get his own place, that's for sure. That's what he should have done when he first moved out. I do see that both of us did wrong and see my own faults in relationship and know I have pushed him away. There are reasons to that, partially his behaviour and partially my ppd.

OP posts:
ElizaSwan · 05/12/2023 09:57

My thoughts are that, Its Christmas and he feels lonely, Looking for 'home comforts' like food and a warm bed.
Not bloody likely: would be my response.
Although after 4 years separated I have had sex with my exh. Two occasions but we have both moved on since we parted.
My partners have been women, but I choose to be Bi not lesbian.

Epidote · 05/12/2023 10:29

I wouldn't come back with my ex because there are far to much behind and the trust is completely broken.

OP you talk about his feelings, how about yours? Will you be happy to try again or you are thinking of doing it just because you know him, there are kids in common etc.
@chloe5194 you are definitely a better person that I, I wouldn't be able to forgive the fact of leaving me with a new born.

FairyMaclary · 05/12/2023 10:30

No one can ‘make’ someone cheat or run off to another lady.

Noone can make someone remain faithful. Meeting someone’s needs does not instill in them integrity, honesty or self respect.
How can Steak on a Tuesday, watching them play golf or oral sex on demand increase someone values or honesty? It’s nonsense.

Why won’t he stand on his own feet? This shows to me he won’t put, you, his kids or himself first. He won’t find out who he is, what he wants from life etc. You presumably house your kids. Why won’t he house them? Why doesn’t he have enough respect to create himself a nice home? Why is that someone else’s job?

Too many people float around blaming others and expecting others to make them happy. All nonsense. He doesn’t respect himself so of course he cannot respect anyone else.

Set him free to live the dream he thought was the world outside your family. Where the ladies fling themselves at him and others put the roof over his head and the food in his belly.

Until he sorts himself out he will be a crap partner and a crap dad.

Use this horrid time to find out what you are, what you want and how you can make your life a good life. Then live by those values. I think if you give it a few months you’ll find you won’t want Mr Greengrass crapping on your lawn again.

Connection - nothing without shared values. You can’t share values with someone who has no respect for themself.

Whataretheodds · 05/12/2023 10:34

It absolutely can work.

In the circumstances you've described? HELL NO.

If he were single, living independently, being a good parent, a good co-parent, and demonstrating that he had worked on himself and made changes then you might consider some joint counselling.

But I agree with PP he is looking for you as his back up easy option

FairyMaclary · 05/12/2023 10:35

He wasn’t happy. He won’t be happy until he fills the black hole inside of him. The one that allows him to run off cos the grass is greener. The one that expects more than he gives. The one that doesn’t house his own kids. The one that he used to justify his poor choices. The lack of self control. The lies. The poor self worth. Lack of self respect. Etc.

Of course he’s not happy. He takes no responsibility for himself. And he would like you to be responsible for that unhappiness! It’s nonsense. He needs his own place, to self reflect and house his kids or you’ll be in this situation again.

barbarahunter · 05/12/2023 10:39

I think that you would bitterly regret it if you let your ex come back, plus it might be a whole lot harder to get rid of him next time.

Isn't it funny that he realised he still wants you when it looks like he will become homeless?

Do not go there, OP. It is doomed from the start. He can't be trusted.