Can you make a relationship work with an ex?

[ExDebate]

I'm curious about any good or bad stories regarding getting back with an ex.

For context, my ex and I had split up. It has been horrendous 8 months with ex being a shit parent, rebelling and moving in with another woman. The last few weeks we have been talking about how unhappy he is and how he made mistake and that he wants to come back. We kissed few times and the connection is there but I'm sceptical if we can make it work. I have worked on myself and seen my errors, he is not in the same boat however saying he is prepare to work and go couples therapy.

So hit me with any stories you may have. Is it possible to make it work or best to leave it alone.

Unless he has done intense work on himself, (e.g psychotherapy everyday) his essence will still be the same, e.g he'll still be a child man. That is quite a large thing to work through and if you're the only adult in the relationship it'll be draining for you. Either way I wish you the best of luck, it's all learning

Do you have a trend of needing to rescue others?
Do you see this as winning someone over the OW? Could this be placing your self worth on his choices?
Are you lonely?

It is your life and your choice. I would personally worry with the hopping from woman to woman and the lack of trust around that may drive me insane ans unable to relax and enjoy a partnership.

PS....I tried again with my ex husband after 2 years apart. Both did therapy ans made improvements in our own lives. Talked a lot about what went wrong before, made promises, had strategies for managing difficult emotions and conversations. We managed a few months but unfortunately all the same reasons we broke up resurfaced. At least we both know and accept the break up fully now. Both moved on and both respectful and friendly co parents!

Good luck with your decision.

Thank you all for your comments. Deep down I know you are all right.

Yes I have a trend of rescuing people.

No I don't need him. Financially independent, housing children and pets. I do all the work, all holidays, term times with no help from him. He is not allowed children at her place due to drugs concern.

No, he has not done any work on himself albeit agreed to therapy.

Yes I'm clearly very silly and don't understand what the pull is, my therapist doesn't, my family doesn't, my friends certainly don't either.

In fact I have met a lovely man, caring, honest, serious. Checks in on me every day. No butterflies but huge sense of security. Complete opposite to ex. Why can't I discard ex?

Wow @ExDebate

You need to work on this issue!

First off your ex sounds like a loser and a player DO NOT move him back in your home. If you've got (rotten) ideas of getting back together, then do it on your own terms, slowly and in a controlled and checking manner whilst he lives somewhere else. Why would you want a 'shit parent' back anyway. Put your kids first if you can't put yourself first.

Very convenient he just found another woman to move in with now he wants out and oh he's gonna move back in with you.

Have you ever thought what could happen if he didn't want to leave? How hard it could be to force him out? How hellish your lives could all become?

Also, many people torture themselves with bad relationships for a lot of reasons but because we've been 'trauma-bonded' by an abuser or unpleasant person or Narc. They entrain within us the state of urgency that we must want them back when in all stone cold reality they're just horrid people who treated us badly and were / are losers. Don't do it. Keep seeing your new chap. Go to 'Relate' or whatever it takes.

Perhaps you are not ready to move on to someone else just yet. Maybe your new relationship tested that. You can feel not to move on at the same time as not needing to get back with your ex. One doesn't have to equal the other. I would wonder where you place your self worth and maybe this is confusing you over your attachment to your ex? Time will bring clarity, don't feel rushed into anything.

In your circumstances absolutely not! X

You’d just be reopening an old wound imo. Is he actually worth double the heart break or maybe you are both just lonely? Personally i would
never take someone back who had happened to move on with someone new very quickly.

Its worth reading and then reading more. Keep a journal.
Women who love too much may be a good start. As is anything by Brene Brown. I’m also a Mark Manson fan - watch them on YouTube too.

You need to understand yourself and why you are being pulled back to this chap. He’s bad news. Volatile relationships are addictive due to the highs and lows.

Look after you and tell him no thanks. You deserve better than this man.

@FairyMaclary thank you for recommending Women who love too much. I have started on it last night and couldn't put it down. Game changer.

@ExDebate
I am glad you think it is helping you. Try Brene Brown and Mark Manson too. Don’t take it all as gospel, note the bits that help and the bits you don’t agree with.

There’s a book called ‘love yourself like your life depends on it’. By Kamil Ravikant. I still use some of the tasks he sets. It may help if you feel crap. It helps ground me.

I wish you well op. To a brighter 2024 x