Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How do I ask him to contribute to costs over Christmas

49 replies

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 18:07

Just after some advice please.
Been with my DP for 2.5 years, he is a wonderful kind man and generous to a fault. We don't yet live together due to logistics of life in middle age (work, kids schools etc) but he comes over a few evenings a week and I'll always cook tea for us all. Sometimes his DC (only has one) stays over on a weekend (2 lunches, one tea). This is included in my weekly shopping as part of my budget. I don't mind this at all as can easily cover it and I like to do it as they are guests in my house and we all get on like one big happy family.
My DP is planning to stay with me over the Christmas holidays this year which will be 11 days in a row. Some of those days (maybe 3 or 4) his DC will be with us too. That makes 2 adults and 2 children (I have a DC too) over the Christmas holidays. As much as I would like to just provide all the food for us all my budget cannot stretch to this at all as my DP has a big appetite. I mentioned this to him and he said that's fine, he'd pay for all the food over the whole holidays. He would never want to see me struggle and is always happy to pay his way.
I said no, we'll split the cost as I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting that much from him despite him really not having a problem doing it. (I was brought up to not accept generosity from people and my last LTR with my DC's dad was abusive and I would receive anger and stonewalling if I asked him to pay for shopping etc so I have anxiety issues over asking. My DP is aware of this. I also know this is my issue and do have counselling re past trauma issues).

As I find it so hard to accept him paying anything as I feel (due to past issues) it should be me providing in my home.

Just looking for some advice on how you would approach this and how you would propose to split the cost so that it's fair?

(So I don't drip feed, we like different foods. I shop healthy and frugal, very little meat due to cost and he just buys what foods he likes and unhealthy stuff. He probably spends on just his food the same each week as I spend for myself and my DC in total a week. To add, he's happy to eat my healthy meals but does like his snacks around those, I don't buy snacks)

Thanks for any advice. Please be kind with it too as this is something that makes me anxious.

OP posts:
ThanksButNoThanksImDoneNow · 04/12/2023 18:10

Go shopping together, or write a shopping list together/order online shopping to price it up and then say ‘how shall we split this?’.

Galiana · 04/12/2023 18:11

I don't think you need to be anxious, just accept his offer, if you have different diets, can he not buy all the things he would enjoy and you can finance the basic meals?

theduchessofspork · 04/12/2023 18:11

If his appetite is much bigger than yours - and he drinks more and eats more expensive snacks - then split accordingly 60-40 maybe?

Also it’s not on for you to be providing so much food for him and his child, unless he is covering something else in return. Is he? If not then talk to him in NY about this too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 18:11

You did ask him to contribute. He said he would. Now you're struggling. I think this is one of those questions where the answer is both simple and very complicated.

Simple, add everything he eats up and tell him to go shopping. You don't get money, he gets the food.

Complicated, you need some skilled trauma counselling. You're fighting masses of conditioning and you need help. Because even though he eats vastly more than you, more expensively, and he offered to buy everything, you couldn't help saying, "noooooo not that". Instead of "thanks".

Chasingsquirrels · 04/12/2023 18:12

"Actually DP, having thought about it I'd really appreciate you covering the Christmas holiday food shop.
Shall we go together, or do an online shop or I can do it and you can transfer me the money? "

I fully appreciate you said you want to split it, and I TOTALLY understand that (and am in a similar situation), but you pay for them year round and they are more than just visitors.
I think letting him pay for the holiday food recognises this and makes it more even.

Chasingsquirrels · 04/12/2023 18:14

MrsTerryPratchett
..... even though he eats vastly more than you, more expensively, and he offered to buy everything, you couldn't help saying, "noooooo not that". Instead of "thanks".

This!

Marshmallowtoastie · 04/12/2023 18:16

Is he a guest in your house or is he your partner? If it’s the latter it’s absolutely fine he contributes and really he should have offered, particularly knowing your history. He comes to your house several times a week and you cook and provide food for him and his DC, it is a bit CF to not offer or ever buy some food.
I appreciate given the history it’s not easy, but you could tell him perhaps what your budget is and what that would cover and ask him to pay for half, plus anything else he wants that you wouldn’t ordinarily buy. You could shop together but I’d worry he would buy lots of things you don’t want and won’t eat and then you’ll end up paying for half of them.
perhaps given you’ve been feeding him for months, him paying for everything over Christmas is actually quite fair, and if he is genuinely happy to do so then you know he’s just been a bit thoughtless rather than trying to take advantage. I know you said you don’t want to take from him and want to pay half, but he was happy to not pay half the last few months/years, I’m sure a week or two from you is quite fair.

Redskyatwhatever · 04/12/2023 18:17

You pay a bit extra all year and he pays for the big shop at Christmas seems reasonable to me. In fact he is getting the better deal if that makes it easier for you to accept, as it’s all your electric/gas costs no matter who buys the groceries

PTSDBarbiegirl · 04/12/2023 18:19

It's reasonable to say, 'had a think, how about we do a kitty for Christmas food shop and split it after all'. There's no harm in saying you felt anxious about discussing costs due to past issues.

Gettingbysomehow · 04/12/2023 18:19

I stopped reading half way through because I just didn't understand what you are on about and then you go down all kinds of irrelevant and over thinking rabbit holes.
He's offered to pay for all the food. Let him. Make a list of everything you need.
Let him buy the stuff he likes.
Presumably you are having them all over, you'll be doing all the decorating and cooking and having his kids so accept his offer.
But you need to be clear what you want or he will get confused and pissed off too.
Do a list and stop over thinking everything.

Annasgirl · 04/12/2023 18:24

I’m stuck at you thinking he is a kind and generous man and yet he stays over with his child at your house, eats your food, uses your heat, light, hot water, internet, TV etc, you pay for all of this, and you had to ask him to contribute to Christmas. I mean, my own DF was a bit tight - but my God woman, this man is not generous.

BornIn78 · 04/12/2023 18:25

How exactly is he generous to a fault?

From what I can gather he routinely eats (and stays?) at your house half the week, sometimes with his DC, and doesn’t routinely financially contribute towards this.

He’s planning on coming to stay for 11 days over Christmas and you had to raise the issue of him contributing towards his stay. He’s aware of your history and the resulting anxiety issues about asking.

I think he’s taken the knowledge of your otevohs relationship and done a bit of a number on you actually.

BornIn78 · 04/12/2023 18:26

*previous relationship

PurpleBugz · 04/12/2023 18:30

50/50 split isn't fair though is it?! Let him pay for all the food!! You cover a lot of food over the year. You are paying for the gas electric etc. You are doing the actual cooking and hosting. Don't sell yourself short and don't set the precedent that you are a skivy xx

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 18:32

If you cater for him and his dc all year round, then you need to find a way to make peace with him catering all over Christmas.

Sounds fair to me - then when you start the new year set up a shared grocery online account and share the weekly shop on weeks he and his dc come.

therealcookiemonster · 04/12/2023 18:33

I really sympathise with you OP as I battle the same anxiety. but something I have learnt is that part of healing is accepting offers when they are made. maybe not this time, but try to accept small things and work up. it did me a world of good.

in terms of the shop, just shop together - get two trolleys, he puts whatever he fancies in his and you buy staples. maybe he pays for the turkey and booze and you get the rest of the staples? or you just suggest splitting 50/50.

Changingplace · 04/12/2023 18:36

If he’s offered to pay just let him, go shopping together or sit & do an online shop for what you need for everyone for those days, I don’t see the problem when he’s already offered.

AbondonedThemePark · 04/12/2023 18:36

If you pay all year, let him pay this time. It's not even as you've still paid for most of it over the course of the year.

Tell him you were feeling a bit anxious about it, but that it would be lovely if he paid.

AbondonedThemePark · 04/12/2023 18:37

SecondUsername4me · 04/12/2023 18:32

If you cater for him and his dc all year round, then you need to find a way to make peace with him catering all over Christmas.

Sounds fair to me - then when you start the new year set up a shared grocery online account and share the weekly shop on weeks he and his dc come.

This also going forward.

Sommerled · 04/12/2023 18:40

Let him pay, it will even out the extra you've spent over the year feeding him and his DC. it's really not a big deal

SlightlygrumpyBettyswaitress · 04/12/2023 18:50

Get him to do an online shop.

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2023 18:59

I’m another one not seeing any evidence of his huge generosity. He might have offered to pay for food over Christmas but you had to bring it up and he doesn’t contribute the rest of the time and you don’t mention anything he’s paid for.

Shewhobecamethesun · 04/12/2023 19:10

I'd let him pay for the food shop for the 11 days.
In return you pay for mortgage/rent, the gas and electric (which cooks said food) and all the other things.
Let him be pay his fair share and accept it gracefully.

Original poster
Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 19:13

He doesnt pay as I've never outright asked. He has offered many times and did a lot at the beginning but I always said no due to my anxieties over accepting anything from anyone. He stopped offering as he knew it made me so anxious if he insisted and just told me to ask him instead when I want to. Whenever I've had random expenses like emergency dentist, car issues he's always offered to pay right off the bat. I just can't ever accept it as it makes me so anxious and panicky inside due to my relationship with my ex. I am working with my counsellor on it, it's a long road. He understands this and doesn't push it on me. When I first met him I couldn't even let him hold my coat, open doors for me or let him clear up after meals without it causing huge anxiety. I'm OK with those things now.

He also pays for everything everytime we have days out with the DC including meals and when we have takeaways at home always pays for those as he orders and pays before I can say no.

OP posts:
wildwestpioneer · 04/12/2023 19:15

Why don't you suggest he buys the Xmas food and you'll cover the booze costs. That's if your and his families aren't massive drinkers. Maybe a few bottles of fizz, a bottle of bailieys and a few cans of beer, that way you contribute and he pays the lions share

Tbh I think you also need to start discussions on his contribution during the week too.

Swipe left for the next trending thread