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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How do I ask him to contribute to costs over Christmas

49 replies

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 18:07

Just after some advice please.
Been with my DP for 2.5 years, he is a wonderful kind man and generous to a fault. We don't yet live together due to logistics of life in middle age (work, kids schools etc) but he comes over a few evenings a week and I'll always cook tea for us all. Sometimes his DC (only has one) stays over on a weekend (2 lunches, one tea). This is included in my weekly shopping as part of my budget. I don't mind this at all as can easily cover it and I like to do it as they are guests in my house and we all get on like one big happy family.
My DP is planning to stay with me over the Christmas holidays this year which will be 11 days in a row. Some of those days (maybe 3 or 4) his DC will be with us too. That makes 2 adults and 2 children (I have a DC too) over the Christmas holidays. As much as I would like to just provide all the food for us all my budget cannot stretch to this at all as my DP has a big appetite. I mentioned this to him and he said that's fine, he'd pay for all the food over the whole holidays. He would never want to see me struggle and is always happy to pay his way.
I said no, we'll split the cost as I wouldn't feel comfortable accepting that much from him despite him really not having a problem doing it. (I was brought up to not accept generosity from people and my last LTR with my DC's dad was abusive and I would receive anger and stonewalling if I asked him to pay for shopping etc so I have anxiety issues over asking. My DP is aware of this. I also know this is my issue and do have counselling re past trauma issues).

As I find it so hard to accept him paying anything as I feel (due to past issues) it should be me providing in my home.

Just looking for some advice on how you would approach this and how you would propose to split the cost so that it's fair?

(So I don't drip feed, we like different foods. I shop healthy and frugal, very little meat due to cost and he just buys what foods he likes and unhealthy stuff. He probably spends on just his food the same each week as I spend for myself and my DC in total a week. To add, he's happy to eat my healthy meals but does like his snacks around those, I don't buy snacks)

Thanks for any advice. Please be kind with it too as this is something that makes me anxious.

OP posts:

PlainWoman · 04/12/2023 19:16

I'd let him pay it all and pay more generally all the year. A man who loves you will pay and never see you struggle when he can help he would. Stop tying yourself up in knots for so called equality, the reality is it's never 50-50 in a relationship, for example, you also cooked, cleaned, used your electricity, gas and water, used your internet, your light, your bedding, maybe you've cooked or 'waitressed' for them or thought of the menu.. there is so much labour that women do behind the scenes from grooming to cleaning plus all the career hits that women get.... i'm getting off subject but my point is, let him pay and in fact he should contribute more all year round.

inloveandmarried · 04/12/2023 19:22

Men need telling and you've done this 👍🏻.

Next thing is to accept his help and offer. You will be feeding him and his child on/off for the coming year. It's a small contribution towards this.

Just say yes, he needs you to say yes and accept his help, and don't over think it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 19:25

He's a nice bloke who you are actively training to be a worse one.

Is your counsellor concerned you're a in a relationship too early?

PieAndLattes · 04/12/2023 19:25

You pay for all his meals and his kid’s meals when they’re with you for the whole year. I don’t think you’re being unreasonable to accept his offer. I think it’s only fair he pays. Sometimes, when people want to help/pay/be generous you should let them. They offer because they want to do it and they feel good about contributing and supporting - as you do when you do it. Tell him you’ve been thinking and if the offer is still there you’d be very grateful if he could pay for the food. You’re still using your gas and electricity to cook it so you’re still making a significant contribution.

CalistoNoSolo · 04/12/2023 19:30

My partner is going to be staying with me for the whole of the Xmas break. His contribution is to buy all of the food and we're going halves on the Xmas tree which I think is fair. Don't put yourself at a financial disadvantage because of your anxiety about this.

Original poster

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 19:42

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 19:25

He's a nice bloke who you are actively training to be a worse one.

Is your counsellor concerned you're a in a relationship too early?

@MrsTerryPratchett I was single for 4.5 years before I met him (with the exception of a bit of dating) I have cptsd from my ex, I am a thousand times better than I was 6 years ago. I did a lot of work on myself before even dating. It's just a last few ingrained things like this I still struggle with. He gets it. He'd pay everything if I asked but knows I'd feel uncomfortable if he offered (he still tries to offer on a lot of things, I've refused).

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 20:02

I'm glad to hear things are improving. And c-PTSD is a bugger so there's that.

Watchkeys · 04/12/2023 20:07

Why doesn't he do the shopping, and you pay him something towards it?

Gillypie23 · 04/12/2023 20:10

Just ask for his contribution or go shopping together.

Dweetfidilove · 04/12/2023 20:10

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 18:11

You did ask him to contribute. He said he would. Now you're struggling. I think this is one of those questions where the answer is both simple and very complicated.

Simple, add everything he eats up and tell him to go shopping. You don't get money, he gets the food.

Complicated, you need some skilled trauma counselling. You're fighting masses of conditioning and you need help. Because even though he eats vastly more than you, more expensively, and he offered to buy everything, you couldn't help saying, "noooooo not that". Instead of "thanks".

This!

They will be showering, keeping warm and all sorts over 11 days. His bigger budget may mean he likes a 10 minutes shower to a shorter one. A warm house instead of sporadic heating etc…

You may end up putting yourself at a disadvantage, especially on a leaner budget.

zeibesaffron · 04/12/2023 20:14

Accept his offer for food - he will be living in your home and you will be paying for heat, water etc… let him pay! xx

Radiohat · 04/12/2023 20:15

I would stop worrying, he and child will be in your home . TBH it is only fair that he contributes. Just be honest & tell him that you will accept his offer & that you were being too independent. He will/should realise catering for 2 more people will push you over budget. Then say you are happy to go shopping together and that you realise you are being stubborn & you appreciate his contribution.

Also don't forget it is your home & you will be paying your household bills . I would feel more comfortable if I was contributing in that situation.

SuperGreens · 04/12/2023 20:17

Just accept his offer, its good for you and will make him feel good too. And you are providing the heating and cooking costs which is no small amount at the moment.

NosamLDN · 04/12/2023 20:18

I would suggest you accept his offer and to not feel weird ,offer to cook and clean for the period or to cover for drinks or decorations. Its a one time offer and hope it's all discussed one day before you guys decide to live together

coodawoodashooda · 04/12/2023 20:20

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/12/2023 18:11

You did ask him to contribute. He said he would. Now you're struggling. I think this is one of those questions where the answer is both simple and very complicated.

Simple, add everything he eats up and tell him to go shopping. You don't get money, he gets the food.

That's a brilliant post.

SavBlancTonight · 04/12/2023 20:21

Let him pay for thr main big online shop and then you can oatnfor ad hoc things amd all the Christmas bits like crackers and decor and whatever.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 04/12/2023 20:26

If it really is a huge issue, you could split the days. You shop half of the days your way, he shops tte other half his way.

Or you just yes thank you. Let him pay and use that as an opportunity to work on your trauma and relearn that not everyone is like your ex.

DisforDarkChocolate · 04/12/2023 20:30

I'd suggest you get the basics (which you will need more of then normal) and then he gets the extra and the things he likes to have in. Don't forget you will be paying for extra gas and electric too.

SequentialAnalyst · 04/12/2023 20:31

Me and Lovely Man lived separately, but if we went away together we split all costs 50/50. Shared experience - shared costs.

Christmas wasn't an issue - sometimes we had it at his place and his expense, sometimes at mine and my expense, sometimes we were each at separate Christmases. We didn't stay at each other's places for any extended period of time.

Your problem is more about financing a stay-at-home Christmas chez yours, so would it help to think of it like any other holiday you, he, and DC might take together? If we were you two, as it were, I think we would come to some arrangement by which each funded their own DC, which wouldn't end up as 50/50.

If you see yourselves as any sort of partners, it would be best to get you both agreeing about how activities etc are funded and how this is shared.

Original poster

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 20:45

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 04/12/2023 20:26

If it really is a huge issue, you could split the days. You shop half of the days your way, he shops tte other half his way.

Or you just yes thank you. Let him pay and use that as an opportunity to work on your trauma and relearn that not everyone is like your ex.

Thanks. This is exactly what my counsellor says to do when these issues come up. I find it very hard to do though

OP posts:

Watchkeys · 04/12/2023 21:03

Does he know about and understand your trauma response to this?

Original poster

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 21:29

Watchkeys · 04/12/2023 21:03

Does he know about and understand your trauma response to this?

@Watchkeys yes he does and he's very supportive. He's helped me heal a lot and shown me not all men are bad. He won't ever push me further than I'm comfortable with though with offers of help or money, though I know he wants to provide in every way he can as he's said as much, but he also knows I need to feel I still have my independence to feel emotionally safe.

OP posts:

tribpot · 04/12/2023 21:49

Can you not just do two separate shops? Meal plan together but buy separately. And agree that early next year, when it's just a low key weekend the two of you, you will work on letting him pay for the food for you both.

Original poster

Dreamingofasunnybeach · 04/12/2023 22:33

Thank you everyone for your really helpful and kind comments. They have helped me see how to approach this. Some really good suggestions. I'm going to sit down with him tomorrow evening and we'll work out a game plan for the holiday food.

OP posts:

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