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Original poster

Is my Dad (63) being abusive to his girlfriend (47)? I believe so, and am not sure how best to support her.

43 replies

Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 14:36

I am wondering what others' perspectives on this would be.
I am 43 and female, btw. His girlfriend is lovely and we have always gotten on. I have worried previously that he might be very bossy towards her, but wasn't overly concerned until now.

I recently stayed the weekend at my Dad's house and his gf broke down in tears as she said she feels depressed and as though my Dad treats her like a child. He has always been aggressive/domineering, and we have fallen out over this in the past. I have stuck up for several of his ex gfs as he likes to bark orders at them (he is ex army btw). I am the only one of my siblings who stands up to him.

Whilst there, as well as being pissy over everything (fluff from his GF's jumper on the floor- FFS), he batted/smacked her hand away harshly several times, when she was trying to help him with something on the ipad and when trying to help him with the coffee machine. Each time he growled 'get off' aggressively and each time I told him he spoke to her disrespectfully and it wasn't on. He snapped at me each time that that was how he 'fucking spoke to her' ('Yes, that is how I fucking speak to her' to be exact).

She told me he even shouted and batted her hand away in public that week (at a supermarket whilst at the self serve checkout) and shouted 'fuck off', which drew open mouthed stares from shoppers. I told her that this is not acceptable and that this behaviour is abusive (in my eyes).

After the first occasion when he batted her hand away and I stuck up for his GF, we had to get in the car to meet other family members. He drove so recklessly on the motorway, and turned the music full blast so none of us could talk. The driving was unbelievably scary: in the fast lane, pushing drivers out the way, being two/three inches away from the car in front, constantly zipping in and out of lanes. I was so scared I shouted 'Jesus Fucking Christ! Please slow down!' He argued with me it was the other drivers 'being pricks.' I was terrified and fuming. She said he is always like this now when he drives, yet I don't remember him being like this before.

He then walked way ahead of us once we arrived at our destination, walking in and out of traffic, unbelievably quickly, not looking back to see if we were following. Not a care for us. She said he has been worse recently, and yet, he has his dream career, is making a HUGE amount of money now and loves his job. So she cannot fathom where his increased anger is coming from. I asked him if everyhting was good with his work etc and he said yep. I asked if he was stressed? Nope. So he doesn't have any reason to keep flipping out like he does.

There are so many other other things too: him making her pretty much financially dependent on him, him ranting in the resturant that he is 'the patriarch' (which he accidentally said as 'matriarch' as he was so incensed) so we kids should visit him and not the other way around when I pointed out he rarely sees my brothers' kids- his grandkids- even though he lives only 1.5 hrs away, and regularly goes to visit his ex girlfriend's mum (?!!) who lives ten mins down the road from my brother!! He was shouting that he had to drive us kids everywhere when he and my mum divorced years ago so shouldn't have to now- we should come to him.

His GF admitted she has thought of unaliviving herself recently and I urged her to please see her GP, hugged her for ages, and told her that she must leave my Dad if she is unhappy.
I am deeply worried about her and furious at my Dad's behaviour. I am at a a loss as to how I can support his GF other than message her and say I am there for her. I would recommend the book Why Does he Do That? By Lundy Bancroft, but I know that if my Dad saw her reading it it may well hit the roof.

Would you class his behaviour as abusive? I would. I am wondering if I should tell him I believe he is abusive towards his GF and therefore don't want to visit him on my own again (my partner was busy that weekend).
I am so infuriated at his behaviour that weekend and feel I can't let it go unchecked, yet worry he will punish her if I do say anything.

This is abuse, right? I also reminded her she is SO young and has plenty of her life left, whereas my Dad is older and if he's like this now, then she's in for years of misery :(

OP posts:
Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2023 14:49

I believe it was lundy bankroft who said - he is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry becayse he is abusive.

Not only would I refuse to see him alone, I would refuse to see him entirely.

Certainly never ever get in a car with him again.

I'd tell his partner he is a beast and you're having nothing more to do with him. That she should leave him before she wastes her whole life. That she can talk to you any time but you won't be around him anymore.

By staying around bullies, we condone their behaviour. By leaving and saying 'I will not tolerate this because it's not ok' - we lead by example.

LittleMy77 · 04/12/2023 14:52

It’s abusive behavior. I would carry on supporting her but not say anything to your dad as unfortunately it’ll probably make things worse for her.

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 14:52

The Lundy Bancroft book is available on kindle, and most phones have an app that can read it.

Clearly your dad is abusive.

In your shoes I would message her and encourage her to read the book, and contact women's aid.

If you are able to offer her a temporary place to stay, even a sofa, that would be above and beyond.

Seaoftroubles · 04/12/2023 14:53

He sounds absolutely vile and yes, without question, abusive. ls she much younger than him btw? Give her all the support you can and suggest she calls Womens Aid for advice. Continue to be there for her at every opportunity and encourage her to leave him if she can do so safely.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 14:57

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2023 14:49

I believe it was lundy bankroft who said - he is not abusive because he is angry. He is angry becayse he is abusive.

Not only would I refuse to see him alone, I would refuse to see him entirely.

Certainly never ever get in a car with him again.

I'd tell his partner he is a beast and you're having nothing more to do with him. That she should leave him before she wastes her whole life. That she can talk to you any time but you won't be around him anymore.

By staying around bullies, we condone their behaviour. By leaving and saying 'I will not tolerate this because it's not ok' - we lead by example.

I remember him saying something like that, and that abusers choose who they abuse, basically, so they can control it if they want to. I am so angry at him I don't think I will see him, and if he asks, I may well say the way he speaks to his gf is disgusting and I cannot condone being around him behaving that way

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 04/12/2023 14:58

The girlfriend sounds trapped. I would offer her as much support as you can.

Does your father have access to her phone? I'd be careful messaging her about this.

Can you perhaps invite the girlfriend to do something "women only" and tackle it then?

Seaoftroubles · 04/12/2023 14:58

Sorry OP just saw the age gap in your title. Would also agree with PPs not to speak to your Dad go very LC with him but make sure his girlfriend knows she can contact you at any time.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 14:58

Seaoftroubles · 04/12/2023 14:53

He sounds absolutely vile and yes, without question, abusive. ls she much younger than him btw? Give her all the support you can and suggest she calls Womens Aid for advice. Continue to be there for her at every opportunity and encourage her to leave him if she can do so safely.

She is 14-15 years younger than him, and we have always wondered how he snagged her, as she is way out of his league!
I will suggest that- thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 15:00

Seaoftroubles · 04/12/2023 14:58

Sorry OP just saw the age gap in your title. Would also agree with PPs not to speak to your Dad go very LC with him but make sure his girlfriend knows she can contact you at any time.

Just seen your additional reply! Sorry! Yep, I am thinking that it might be best not to say anything to my Dad as he may well take it out on her. I am planning on LC with him now, but will keep reaching out to her to know she has my support and I am there if she needs me

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 15:01

Spencer0220 · 04/12/2023 14:58

The girlfriend sounds trapped. I would offer her as much support as you can.

Does your father have access to her phone? I'd be careful messaging her about this.

Can you perhaps invite the girlfriend to do something "women only" and tackle it then?

I wouldn't be surprised if he does, whereas I noticed he has his screen on the darkest setting when on it, so no one can easily see what he's looking at (seems shady to me). I sent her a non-obvious well being check text, just saying I was thinking of her, and hoped she'd had a good week etc

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 15:05

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 14:52

The Lundy Bancroft book is available on kindle, and most phones have an app that can read it.

Clearly your dad is abusive.

In your shoes I would message her and encourage her to read the book, and contact women's aid.

If you are able to offer her a temporary place to stay, even a sofa, that would be above and beyond.

I did suggest she could stay at mine, but unfortunately I live around 6 hours' drive from theirs. My Dad has caused her to become distant from her family as well, bar one or two members, and I am not sure they have the space to put her up.

OP posts:
Nicole1111 · 04/12/2023 15:31

I’d tell your dad next time he gets in touch that you don’t want to see him at the moment as he is abusive and his driving endangered you. At the same time message his girlfriend explaining that you won’t see your dad for now because you don’t condone his treatment of her and remind her you’re there if she needs you, as well as saying you hope she’s ok. That might make her realise how serious his behaviour is.

BMW6 · 04/12/2023 15:34

Poor woman. Your Dad is an abusive bastard I'm sorry to say.

Hopefully she'll get away from him. I'm glad you're supporting her.

He's going to end up a very lonely angry nan the way he's going and he thoroughly deserves it.

Seaoftroubles · 04/12/2023 15:57

OP, the fact your Dad has caused her to her lose contact with most of her family illustrates how toxic the relationship is...its typical controlling/abusive behaviour. I do hope you can persuade her to leave him.

Spencer0220 · 04/12/2023 16:27

Should it matter that you are 6 hours away?

Surely if she leaves him permanently your distance is irrelevant?

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 16:37

Spencer0220 · 04/12/2023 16:27

Should it matter that you are 6 hours away?

Surely if she leaves him permanently your distance is irrelevant?

She said to me it was too far away from work etc, and she didn't want to be that far away from her sister (one of the only people my Dad hasn't isolated her from). But I agree, 6 hours is nothing really, especially if you neeed somewhere to go

OP posts:
Spencer0220 · 04/12/2023 16:43

You could suggest to her that staying with you need only be temporary until she gets something local sorted.

Could her employer not give her leave or WFH temporarily?

sixteenfurryfeet · 04/12/2023 16:58

He is extremely abusive, and no, you shouldn't talk to him about it.

The thing is - if he's that bad in public or with you around, what's he like towards her when they are alone together? Speaking to him might matters far worse for her.

She needs your support and help to escape his clutches. I'd also strongly suggest that you never travel in a car with him again, and that you do your best to keep any children well out of his way as well.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 17:31

Spencer0220 · 04/12/2023 16:43

You could suggest to her that staying with you need only be temporary until she gets something local sorted.

Could her employer not give her leave or WFH temporarily?

True- I will reach out and let her know my place is hers for as long as needed. She seemed to reject the idea but if she knows it's an option, at least it might help her make plans to get out

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 17:32

sixteenfurryfeet · 04/12/2023 16:58

He is extremely abusive, and no, you shouldn't talk to him about it.

The thing is - if he's that bad in public or with you around, what's he like towards her when they are alone together? Speaking to him might matters far worse for her.

She needs your support and help to escape his clutches. I'd also strongly suggest that you never travel in a car with him again, and that you do your best to keep any children well out of his way as well.

This is what worries me. If he's this flagrant about it, what on earth is he like when they're alone? I certainly won't be getting in a car with him in future and am going to go low contact with him whilst remaining there for his poor GF.

OP posts:
THisbackwithavengeance · 04/12/2023 17:35

Sounds like a shit relationship? I assume there is no reason why she can't tell him to eff off and leave. They're not married and don't have DCs.

Perhaps she is staying for the money?

People will put up with a lot to get the chance of living a lifestyle beyond their normal means.

Spottywombat · 04/12/2023 17:37

One thought and it's by no way an excuse but if he's starting to have cognitive decline, on top of a busy job, his ability to restrain his abusive nature might be deteriorating.

So he was always abusive but kept a lid on it.

I would absolutely help her to get away from him, regardless of reason. He is not safe and you're right, it's probably worse than it appears.

bombastix · 04/12/2023 17:37

Yes he is abusive to her and you. The driving example is text book I'm afraid.

Doseofreality · 04/12/2023 17:40

How do you support her?

You offer her a place to stay so she can get the fuck away from the abusive bastard..

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 04/12/2023 17:40

Wow, sorry OP, he sounds like a nasty piece of work. I hope his girlfriend chucks him rather than taking it out on herself. God, if he’s like that in company, what’s he like in private?