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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is my Dad (63) being abusive to his girlfriend (47)? I believe so, and am not sure how best to support her.

43 replies

Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 14:36

I am wondering what others' perspectives on this would be.
I am 43 and female, btw. His girlfriend is lovely and we have always gotten on. I have worried previously that he might be very bossy towards her, but wasn't overly concerned until now.

I recently stayed the weekend at my Dad's house and his gf broke down in tears as she said she feels depressed and as though my Dad treats her like a child. He has always been aggressive/domineering, and we have fallen out over this in the past. I have stuck up for several of his ex gfs as he likes to bark orders at them (he is ex army btw). I am the only one of my siblings who stands up to him.

Whilst there, as well as being pissy over everything (fluff from his GF's jumper on the floor- FFS), he batted/smacked her hand away harshly several times, when she was trying to help him with something on the ipad and when trying to help him with the coffee machine. Each time he growled 'get off' aggressively and each time I told him he spoke to her disrespectfully and it wasn't on. He snapped at me each time that that was how he 'fucking spoke to her' ('Yes, that is how I fucking speak to her' to be exact).

She told me he even shouted and batted her hand away in public that week (at a supermarket whilst at the self serve checkout) and shouted 'fuck off', which drew open mouthed stares from shoppers. I told her that this is not acceptable and that this behaviour is abusive (in my eyes).

After the first occasion when he batted her hand away and I stuck up for his GF, we had to get in the car to meet other family members. He drove so recklessly on the motorway, and turned the music full blast so none of us could talk. The driving was unbelievably scary: in the fast lane, pushing drivers out the way, being two/three inches away from the car in front, constantly zipping in and out of lanes. I was so scared I shouted 'Jesus Fucking Christ! Please slow down!' He argued with me it was the other drivers 'being pricks.' I was terrified and fuming. She said he is always like this now when he drives, yet I don't remember him being like this before.

He then walked way ahead of us once we arrived at our destination, walking in and out of traffic, unbelievably quickly, not looking back to see if we were following. Not a care for us. She said he has been worse recently, and yet, he has his dream career, is making a HUGE amount of money now and loves his job. So she cannot fathom where his increased anger is coming from. I asked him if everyhting was good with his work etc and he said yep. I asked if he was stressed? Nope. So he doesn't have any reason to keep flipping out like he does.

There are so many other other things too: him making her pretty much financially dependent on him, him ranting in the resturant that he is 'the patriarch' (which he accidentally said as 'matriarch' as he was so incensed) so we kids should visit him and not the other way around when I pointed out he rarely sees my brothers' kids- his grandkids- even though he lives only 1.5 hrs away, and regularly goes to visit his ex girlfriend's mum (?!!) who lives ten mins down the road from my brother!! He was shouting that he had to drive us kids everywhere when he and my mum divorced years ago so shouldn't have to now- we should come to him.

His GF admitted she has thought of unaliviving herself recently and I urged her to please see her GP, hugged her for ages, and told her that she must leave my Dad if she is unhappy.
I am deeply worried about her and furious at my Dad's behaviour. I am at a a loss as to how I can support his GF other than message her and say I am there for her. I would recommend the book Why Does he Do That? By Lundy Bancroft, but I know that if my Dad saw her reading it it may well hit the roof.

Would you class his behaviour as abusive? I would. I am wondering if I should tell him I believe he is abusive towards his GF and therefore don't want to visit him on my own again (my partner was busy that weekend).
I am so infuriated at his behaviour that weekend and feel I can't let it go unchecked, yet worry he will punish her if I do say anything.

This is abuse, right? I also reminded her she is SO young and has plenty of her life left, whereas my Dad is older and if he's like this now, then she's in for years of misery :(

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/12/2023 17:47

Invite her to stay with you until she finds somewhere to live, isolating her from friends is very controlling.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 18:03

Doseofreality · 04/12/2023 17:40

How do you support her?

You offer her a place to stay so she can get the fuck away from the abusive bastard..

Good to hear this, as I have offered her my place any time she needs it. I hope she takes me up on it

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 18:05

Spottywombat · 04/12/2023 17:37

One thought and it's by no way an excuse but if he's starting to have cognitive decline, on top of a busy job, his ability to restrain his abusive nature might be deteriorating.

So he was always abusive but kept a lid on it.

I would absolutely help her to get away from him, regardless of reason. He is not safe and you're right, it's probably worse than it appears.

Interestingly she said he seems v forgetful these days and gets angry when it has been pointed out. He has been getting a lot of things wrong in conversation, but steadfastly argues he is right, even with evidence to the contrary. His GF belives he could have something wrong mentally. He might have cognitive decline, but knowing him, he would deny it and not see a doctor.

OP posts:
WhatBecomesOfTheLostSocks · 04/12/2023 18:13

It sounds like he's always been a challenge to be around, but my first thought on reading your OP was that it could be early stages of dementia. He doesn't sound like someone who would be very receptive to advice to see the GP but I think it would be a very good idea.

samqueens · 04/12/2023 18:44

I’m so sorry OP - yes he is abusive and it sounds vile for his GF.

another Lundy Bancroft wisdom is that the best support you can offer is being available/a sounding board/supportive and affirmative of her feelings but not prescriptive in telling her what to do - she gets enough of that at home. She needs to get to a place where she feels able to take an action, which is hard when her self worth is being decimated.

can you contact her sister and express your concern, in case she underplays this to other people who might suspect but not be in a position to see the situation as clearly as you can.

I hope she can leave him - he sounds appalling.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 04/12/2023 18:55

My thoughts too @WhatBecomesOfTheLostSocks , or he has an underlying condition such as T2 diabetes (my friend’s husband was incredibly aggressive and unpredictable pre-diagnosis.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 19:10

WhatBecomesOfTheLostSocks · 04/12/2023 18:13

It sounds like he's always been a challenge to be around, but my first thought on reading your OP was that it could be early stages of dementia. He doesn't sound like someone who would be very receptive to advice to see the GP but I think it would be a very good idea.

It could well be early stages, as I have never seen him this bad

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 04/12/2023 19:11

Even if he does have an illness she should not feel she has to look after him, not her job.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 19:11

samqueens · 04/12/2023 18:44

I’m so sorry OP - yes he is abusive and it sounds vile for his GF.

another Lundy Bancroft wisdom is that the best support you can offer is being available/a sounding board/supportive and affirmative of her feelings but not prescriptive in telling her what to do - she gets enough of that at home. She needs to get to a place where she feels able to take an action, which is hard when her self worth is being decimated.

can you contact her sister and express your concern, in case she underplays this to other people who might suspect but not be in a position to see the situation as clearly as you can.

I hope she can leave him - he sounds appalling.

I haven't got any way to contact her sister sadly, as I don't have social media. However, I will approach things as supportive and not prescriptive. She is on anti depressants and I know her self worth is indeed decimated, as she is not the same woman I met 7 years ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Freckles81 · 04/12/2023 19:13

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 04/12/2023 18:55

My thoughts too @WhatBecomesOfTheLostSocks , or he has an underlying condition such as T2 diabetes (my friend’s husband was incredibly aggressive and unpredictable pre-diagnosis.

Oh, wow, interesting and good to know- I will mention to her to perhaps make a note of behaviours and see if she thinks there is something else going on (which we did touch on that weekend)

OP posts:
FoxClocks · 04/12/2023 19:23

I was going to say it sounds like there is something wrong with your Dad. Not that it excuses his behaviour or his GF should put up with it. But sounds like he has not always been this bad.

hellsBells246 · 04/12/2023 19:35

Octavia64 · 04/12/2023 14:52

The Lundy Bancroft book is available on kindle, and most phones have an app that can read it.

Clearly your dad is abusive.

In your shoes I would message her and encourage her to read the book, and contact women's aid.

If you are able to offer her a temporary place to stay, even a sofa, that would be above and beyond.

All this.

The poor woman.

I'd never get in a car with your dad again. He sounds hideous.

PictureFrameWindow · 05/12/2023 08:17

I was thinking of illness too - dementia, Parkinson's or type 2. Could you ask his partner if she's seen any signs? I agree she has to leave him.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 05/12/2023 12:15

PictureFrameWindow · 05/12/2023 08:17

I was thinking of illness too - dementia, Parkinson's or type 2. Could you ask his partner if she's seen any signs? I agree she has to leave him.

I'm going to ask her if she has noticed anything else, as his behaviour does seem particularly 'amped up' even for him. Thanks

OP posts:
Epidote · 05/12/2023 15:43

Doesn't look like your father is a nice man at all. I think yes, he is abusive and childish and selfish and a lot more adjectives that I will keep for myself because they may be seen as insults.

Pinkbonbon · 05/12/2023 15:57

They amp it up as and when necessary to control and intimidate people.

Also, they don't like their abuse being known so the fact that you saw how he treated her and called him out on it, likely caused him to double down. I'd be careful about suggesting illness, it might become an excuse for her to stay. And she's already making tons of those.

Stuckstuckstuckk · 05/12/2023 16:02

Wonder if you making an appointment with his gp to express your concerns would help, as you’re able to for any friend/relative you’re concerned about and if you end up with an understanding doctor they may be able to phrase a check up on those things in a way where he is happy to go along with it and that way it’s in his notes if he does decline cognitively that the signs of something wrong were beginning.

Id refer her to the freedom program (can be completed online now so she doesn’t have to find excuses for the sessions) altho it’s £12 I believe so you may have to purchase for her so he doesn’t find out and offer as much support as possible, completely get her hesitancy about moving, after all he’s taken away everyone and everything bar the one piece of consistency and normalcy left with her sister. Its hard to see a move so far as the best idea when you’re just desperate to be less isolated and live a normal life.

Original poster
Freckles81 · 05/12/2023 16:20

Pinkbonbon · 05/12/2023 15:57

They amp it up as and when necessary to control and intimidate people.

Also, they don't like their abuse being known so the fact that you saw how he treated her and called him out on it, likely caused him to double down. I'd be careful about suggesting illness, it might become an excuse for her to stay. And she's already making tons of those.

I did think his driving was to punish me for calling him out on it, tbh. To reassert him having the upper hand after feeling he lost his power for a moment. Good point about her staying put if she thinks he's ill; I hadn't considered that. I'll keep checking in and offering support/somewhere if needed. I wish I lived closer!

OP posts:
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