Struggling a bit with relationship after being long term single

[CouldShouldWont]

This sounds stupid but I’m really hoping for advice on how to manage all aspects of my life.

For about 22 years I was pretty much single. A few possibilities and flings but really at first just happy with my ds and then just happily single. Friends, hobbies, exercise and a rather stressful job at less or more stressful locations. I could always cope as had “downtime” to relax and meditate, yoga, long walks etc. Best single life I guess that I could have but I was always open to meeting someone.

So in the summer I did meet a man I find extremely attractive, in character, looks, sense of humour, intelligence just in a local bar and we started dating. He’s retired so loads of time and all was going brilliantly…. until I went back to work.

the problem is I find work so exhausting and stressful, and I like the type of work but often the management of a team, the admin and constant changes and requests I find incredibly stressful

The man I’m seeing really wants to be with me, he is planning a future and wants to merge lives. I want to as well very much but do feel v stressed. I had a total meltdown this morning as just couldn’t face the constant decisions and being positive and happy and upbeat in the face of people just not doing what they need to. I feel really ashamed as I’m sure he’ll think I’m weak but at the same time he’s said I get touchy and react badly during the week and I’m like a different person at weekends. It’s also sometimes difficult as he’s very sharp at challenging what I say and enjoys being provocative, I live my life trying to keep everything together and though I enjoy debating…. I do it all the time at work and I just don’t have the energy so I often just get upset as don’t have the strength to laugh it off and bat it back to him which is what he wants.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him but I feel that although he does understand he only really enjoys the fun happy me and I sometimes can’t be that.

I could also go to my manager and ask to reduce my hours. I’m not technically a team leader but tend to be left to do the work and handle all planning or issues that arise which I did specifically say I didn’t want to do when I accepted the position.

I also miss my friends and don’t see my family as much. I know this is natural when you meet someone and have a busy and stressful job but I’m just not balancing anything right now and feel like I’m falling apart. Sorry for the long post but where do I start?

Would he be receptive to reducing the time you spend together, for example having Saturday as your day together?
How old is he and how far away are you from retirement? If you dropped your working hours, how would that effect your financial future?
It's no good committing to a new relationship, even with someone you really like, if it's making your life much worse, unless you reasonably believe things will be better in the near future.

@CouldShouldWont could you have sensory processing sensitivity i.e. be a highly sensitive person? Take the quiz here: hsperson.com/
This is a natural trait about 15 -20% of the population have and it gives you a lot of strengths e.g. highly intuitive, much more aware of your environment and of other people. but also the flipside is that you're normally more susceptible to stress and to feeling overwhelmed by all the things that have to be done in life.

It’s also sometimes difficult as he’s very sharp at challenging what I say and enjoys being provocative,

That sounds really tiresome - not what you need when you get home from work. Is he ever just supportive and relaxing to be around? Why does he feel the need to constantly poke at you?

This relationship has run its course.

You are not compatible.

He is combative which is beyond tedious.

Not an attractive trait. Wearing and dull.

He is retired and has loads of free time.
You are a very busy woman.

It would be an unmitigated disaster to combine lives with him.

He is not right for you.

You had a summer fling. Let it go.

It's over.

Don't live with him!

Absolutely this. Let him go.

I don't think you should rush to reduce your hours (unless this is something you were planning to do anyway) - it's quite a drastic step to take so early in the relationship. Would you be able to step back up if things don't work out?

It does sound like things got very serious very quickly. You met in the summer, so less than 6 months ago, and he's talking about planning a future and it sounds like you're seeing a lot of each other - this seems really quick to me. Why not slow things down a bit, see him mostly at weekends when you're less stressed, plus perhaps one night a week or something. Make time for yourself too, for your friends and hobbies - don't give it all up for this man. It's early days and I think things have got a little too intense for you.

I don't think you should reduce hours, unless you're independently wealthy/have a great pension already. Maybe address the fact you're doing tasks that aren't yours to do with work, and shuffle them back to whoever should be doing them, if you can.

I think you should probably see him less during the week so you get more time on your own to decompress.

I think it's odd that you think he'll think you're "weak" rather than being empathetic or wanting to make your life easier. This doesn't bode well.

It’s difficult as I really enjoy being with him. I think that although I do need a lot of space I should consider his needs as well. Isn’t that compromise? Isn’t that what life is?

I’m not sure I’m that happy in my job I just have been able to do it well previously but this year I seem to have fallen apart - it is the sort of thing that you tend to move out of as you get older unless you become quite senior. I just don’t know what else to do. I’m early 50s and he is late 50s.

As long as I’m upbeat, happy, positive and confident everything is great. And I usually am, it’s just right now I’m not.

Thanks everyone for the advice

Absolutely this. I’m 50+, work full time and wouldn’t date someone retired because you’re just not on the same page with regards free time.

You say you miss your friends and family? Well even in a relationship you need to make time to have your own life outside of that person.

Reading your posts this man just isnt a good fit for you. However much you think you like him, it’s not going to work without you compromising far too much of yourself.

I'm glad I'm not the only one. You aren't alone.

I've been single for a long time, have a career, a ds and friends and hobbies. I tried to date a couple of years ago, a retired man, and the stress was horrendous, trying to do it all, so I've chosen to leave it until I retire in 2 years, and then try again.

I have a good life and a relationship wasn't adding to it.

Don’t reduce your hours if it’s not something you would otherwise do. I was in this situation last year dating a guy who’d already retired. Then there’s me, full on stressful job, need my down time PLUS I’m an introvert who needs alone time anyway, PLUS I’d been single for years.

For the relationship to work, he would need to empathise with the realities of your life, not expect you to jump ahead to being a couple where you prioritise him first. And he isn’t being nice enough for you to justify that anyway.

If it were me, I’d ditch this guy; he sounds potentially selfish. A relationship supposed to make your life easier, not harder. It isn’t your fault; you’re just a normal independent woman who deserves a man who is more giving, supportive and understanding.

As long as I’m upbeat, happy, positive and confident everything is great. And I usually am, it’s just right now I’m not.

But if you can't be real with the guy, there's no relationship, it's just theatre.

If you have to pretend to be little miss sunshine all the time, then it's emotionally devoid. It turns it into performance and work, not a mutually beneficial, supportive relationship.

You should be able to be yourself with him, relaxed, happy or unhappy.

You describe a happy life before him and suddenly with he in your life is not that good.

I would have it very clear. It is him, not you.

You might as well say, as long as everything is EXACTLY as he wants it to be, and you are on an emotional high, this relationship works.

Anything else and he's not a nice supportive partner at all.

You have been out of a relationship too long if you think that is what a healthy relationship looks like.

What happens if you reduce your hours, move in with him, give up your independence and then become ill?

He would have you dumped asap.
He probably would be deeply unpleasant faced with the inconvenience of you being ill.

He has red bunting hanging off him.
He is not as nice as you think.

You would want to be out of your mind to change your life and make yourself vulnerable to such a selfish self absorbed man.

You have been warned!

He sounds very entitled op. Wants everything on his terms.

Keep living your life to suit you - see how long he stocks around for.

I think that although I do need a lot of space I should consider his needs as well. Isn’t that compromise

What is he compromising on, here?

I would take a step back here OP- I don't think you have to end it- tell him one or twonights in the week and one day at the weekend would suit you better at the moment as you also need time to do other things- if he really isn't up for that then I think he's the kind of retired guy that wants you round all the time because he hasn't got much going on off his own back-- I think you will tire of that very very quickly however much you like him

You actually don't have to compromise at all.

We all can have our priorities in life and can opt out of a relationship with someone that doesn't blend well with those.

We can choose to compromise if we so wish but we really aren't under any obligation to do so.

I know of several women that are in long term happy relationships that refused to share a home with their partner.

They loved their own home, were prepared to have a relationship and see someone a couple of nights a week, but wanted to maintain their independence.
They found partners that accepted this.
There was no compromise involved.

He wants you to fill his retirement.
Why would you want to have your life smothered out by his needs?

Particularly an exhausting combative man that is only interested in you when life is going well?

He sounds like an absolute dose.

I think he would lose his appeal if you moved in with him, so quickly.

He sounds like massive high maintenance that would begrudge you any time with others, and be a petulant man child if your focus wasn't always on him and his needs and entertainment.

It’s early days, dating wise and MUCH too soon for him to talk of ‘merging lives’. There are differences in your situations and you’re finding things about each other that you don’t like.

Sounds like your job is quite stressful, which is a second problem.

unless you’ve pots of cash or wanted to before you met him wouldn’t reduce your hours (and therefore earnings and pension) for his take, especially when you’re less than 6 months in!

@billy1966 precisely

OP I read your post expecting something similar to what I've just had
Happily single for years, never looked to date, then met someone this summer. Ended it because I couldn't accommodate a partner in my life and be okay with all the sacrifice. And that's what it is. "Compromise" means neither party get what they want, or someone sacrifices something.

Not his fault, he is lovely and still always there if I'm down. Or up! But that's not the life I want, constant frigging "compromise".

But what you describe is awful. He's combative, expects you to be little miss perfect....is it possible this relationship is taking up so much of your energy, you now can't cope with work? And you haven't seen your loved ones? That's no good.

I can't see anything positive and I also I fear the red flag....you earning well and him wanting to benefit from that, maybe?

He doesn't sound like a good man, sorry.

I would be very wary of a man wanting to merge lives after you've only known each other 6 months, I would think cocklodger or he wants to control you or he needs a live in housekeeper. You can have a happy relationship without living together. Put your foot down and tell him no moving in until you've been together at least 6 to 7 years, his reaction will tell you everything, if he really loves you for you he would wait as long as it takes or be happy with never living together, if he's looking for a housekeeper he'll be gone pretty quick.

I know of several women that are in long term happy relationships that refused to share a home with their partner.

This is exactly how all of my single friends feel. We would like to meet someone for dates, companionship, sex etc but have no desire to merge our families or live together.
I think being single at an older age (we’re all 50’s) and having done the long term marriage and kids, we are now very comfortable in our own skins and enjoy the peace and calm of our own space.