Struggling a bit with relationship after being long term single

[CouldShouldWont]

This sounds stupid but I’m really hoping for advice on how to manage all aspects of my life.

For about 22 years I was pretty much single. A few possibilities and flings but really at first just happy with my ds and then just happily single. Friends, hobbies, exercise and a rather stressful job at less or more stressful locations. I could always cope as had “downtime” to relax and meditate, yoga, long walks etc. Best single life I guess that I could have but I was always open to meeting someone.

So in the summer I did meet a man I find extremely attractive, in character, looks, sense of humour, intelligence just in a local bar and we started dating. He’s retired so loads of time and all was going brilliantly…. until I went back to work.

the problem is I find work so exhausting and stressful, and I like the type of work but often the management of a team, the admin and constant changes and requests I find incredibly stressful

The man I’m seeing really wants to be with me, he is planning a future and wants to merge lives. I want to as well very much but do feel v stressed. I had a total meltdown this morning as just couldn’t face the constant decisions and being positive and happy and upbeat in the face of people just not doing what they need to. I feel really ashamed as I’m sure he’ll think I’m weak but at the same time he’s said I get touchy and react badly during the week and I’m like a different person at weekends. It’s also sometimes difficult as he’s very sharp at challenging what I say and enjoys being provocative, I live my life trying to keep everything together and though I enjoy debating…. I do it all the time at work and I just don’t have the energy so I often just get upset as don’t have the strength to laugh it off and bat it back to him which is what he wants.

I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose him but I feel that although he does understand he only really enjoys the fun happy me and I sometimes can’t be that.

I could also go to my manager and ask to reduce my hours. I’m not technically a team leader but tend to be left to do the work and handle all planning or issues that arise which I did specifically say I didn’t want to do when I accepted the position.

I also miss my friends and don’t see my family as much. I know this is natural when you meet someone and have a busy and stressful job but I’m just not balancing anything right now and feel like I’m falling apart. Sorry for the long post but where do I start?

I'd agree with this. He likes to provoke. He sounds like he's bored and so does things for his amusement.

I would write this relationship off as incompatible but it doesn't mean that you couldn't find someone else who would fit in, be more supportive etc. Some people are MUCH easier to be with than others.

Completely. Several are also childless and just have such a great balance, lovely little homes, play tennis and golf, great set of friends that love to visit for a girly dinner..(we all bring a dish and bottle..best food ever), holiday regularly.

These nice men fit into their lives, they don't take over.

Also they have quietly said they have absolutely zero interest in any future caring role, and living separately avoids any "confusion" on THAT score!!

I have written about a few friends in their mid 60's that had men friends like this and whose families weren't welcoming of the relationship at all, but whom suddenly changed their minds when unexpectedly illness befell them and hospital appointments and general care would be required.

Both women had nursed their late husbands some years earlier and felt neither inclination nor obligation after some nice meals and golf weekends to suddenly be commandeered into such a role by their family's.

Both firmly stepped away.

Not to mention, a lot of men don't pull their weight at home even if they talk a good game about equality, and so create extra work in housework and in "wifework". It's generally a better deal for the man than it is the woman.

One word - 'provocative'

Fuck.no.

Run.

What you really mean is he could argue with his shadow. Don't date men like thus. THEY will run you down. Drain you out.

Op there's a good paragraph of red flags about him there. He's not a good'un.

• wants to merge life's at 6 months in (love bomber alert). Too much too soon.
• calls you touchy ('too senstitive' standard abuser bullshit line to make you feel like you overreact and are the one with the problem)
• only liked you when you're fun (of course he does, because he's a big old energy vampire). Won't support you during tough times.
• provocative ( argumentative) designed to wear you down.

• All that asside, I'd look to change jobs too. You only get one life. Don't work a job you hate.

Your post has trouble written all over it. I had a shiver when I read it as I knew someone like him [good company, intelligent etc] and my personality is similar to yours.

It will not end well . Already he is 'sharply' challenging who you are, poking at your life and priorities and withholding support and understanding. You feel more distant from friends and family. Some people are happy in their own company and find compromises too much and feel they mean quashing our needs and wants, if you do that's fine. because if you try to fit in with him [as he seems to want...all about him] your resentment will build over time, making you very unhappy even at the weekends.

He's 'provocative...in other words critical and implying he is always right and you will always be wrong. He has already started this narrative. This eats at your self esteem and self worth. He isn't worth it and the incompatibility means I think you should walk away. It's not worth the price you will pay.

I'm in no way saying I have any expertise OP, but try reading a bit about 'covert narcissists'...they are hard to recognise initially but it's amazing how common they are [and how very damaging]. Interesting reading if nothing else. Just a suggestion.

Toddlers are provocative and hard work as a result.

The last thing any woman needs is a provocative partner irritating the hell out of her.

Denigrating her and calling her "sensitive".

The only people who call someone "sensitive" are abusive people.

He's a retired arsehole who you would be out of your mind to get futher involved with.

Definitely think about is the pressure of him tipping you over the edge with your job.

No harm in looking at other career opportunities if you are unhappy but don't do it to accommodate a provocative arsehole!

beachcomber "Already he is 'sharply' challenging who you are, poking at your life and priorities"

I've met a couple of guys like this. I suppose it's a test to see if they can get you to do as you're told.

Indeed EmmaEmerald the manipulation is beginning....

I wouldn't recommend living together. You (and I mean just you) will have much more fun having a relationship with a man who doesn't live in your home. That's because statistically women do an enormous portion of the unpaid domestic labour. He will create work for you and you won't have any breathing space. Your home sanctuary will become a second workplace

I actually disagree with everyone.. work is just a job, it won't support you and care for you when you get old. It will just throw you out and replace you. If you found a decent man, enjoy life with him.

@Fredablogs

I feel that although he does understand he only really enjoys the fun happy me and I sometimes can’t be that

Does this really sound like a good man, to you?

A decent pension helps when you're old 'though.

A man who only likes you when you're acting happy ain't going to be much support in old age and ill health.

I think he’s more available than you are

basically , and this could be a major incompatibility

but it’s also ok to be different and have different wants

@Fredablogs He tries to provoke her and complains when she's not shiny and happy.

how is this a good man?

He sounds tedious and draining.
it’s a huge red flag if someone wants you to be happy and upbeat all the time.
by all means, do advocate for your needs at work, but I’d also dump the guy.

🚩 🚩 🚩

Some people are very conflict averse and can find other people’s low moods difficult not to take personally (which is something they should be aware of and attempt to manage a bit but not a red flag).

Others have a high tolerance for ‘banter’ and teasing and provocation, and don’t mind two way straightforwardness, which is also fine as long as it’s a bit responsive to the other person and the situation.

But being bits of both at once (in a one-sided way) is a massive red flag - he can’t say whatever he likes with no attention to your mood and then also be touchy about how you respond. My friends with a bantery relationship style seem well able to say ‘not now, i need quiet time!’ and for that to be heard and respected. If you have to be robust enough to always be chipper in response to what actually sound like negging comments but he can’t be straightforwardly told to give you some space then I think he’s looking for control not compromise.

Please think carefully before making any decisions and make them in YOUR best interests. He is definitely considering HIS best interests and has plenty of time to fill.

You are in an earlier stage in life - productive, busy, lots of friends and a nice family. Why would you want to limit all these nice things in order to live the life of an older person with less richness to their life (I am not commenting on all retired people - but your post definitely sounds as if he doesn't put the time you do into rewarding friendships and family).

Make the most of your early 50s. A great life stage and it sounds like you have a great life.

I think OP the first thing is to test a reaction if you aren't so available and say you need to catch up with your friends and interests- his reaction I think will tell you a lot. It may be that he has just got a bit carried away . As someone else said too he may just like to see you happy- we don't know him so can only go from your words and not see the full picture-

This is supposed to be the fun part! The part that you look back on when things aren't great and think that year was brilliant!

In my experience 6 months in is very telling. You are getting to see the real him. And he sounds tedious. It is far too soon to merge lived. Before you know it you will be lumbered with him.

Nothing would ever possess me to live with a man again!