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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What is his intentions

34 replies

Babygirlmum · 04/12/2023 13:25

Me and my ex partner have not been in a relationship for two years, however we have a child together and we have been seeing each other over the past year on and off, he confesses his feelings to me every now and again and tells me he can't move on from me, and then we will call things off and won't make ago of things and this happens all the time however my mum passed in September and he was being supportive and asked to try and make a go of things, he invited me to his house where him and his family had our daughter and they was being supportive, we was doing stuff as a family, we was getting on, we did have a small disagreement but nothing much, I stayed the week, he dropped me home as it was a long distance relationship and he was never the same with me again, after telling me he wanted to be there for me, he cares for me a lot, he has feelings for me and he wants to see where we go, he's looking forward to building with me. And then all of a sudden he didn't want to know, I am still trying to get my head around this, as I feel like he has messed me about massively at my most vulnerable time, his mum asked did we have sex and was apparently disappointed in him, I don't understand this, and now he is saying he has moved on and he doesn't want to know me, I can't quite understand as I was the only girl for him just a matter of weeks ago.

OP posts:

PlainWoman · 04/12/2023 13:41

So you went up to his house for a week with your daughter, his family was there and everyone was happy, he asked you to make a proper go of the relationship (what did you say to this?) and you also had sex. His family was disappointed in him that he had sex with you (why?) and then you came back and he told you he's changed his mind and doesn't want to try again?

His family is so involved. I would just focus on coparenting because he sounds weak willed, immature and flaky as fuck.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 04/12/2023 14:15

@PlainWoman pretty much yes, he invited me on a cruise with our daughter and then all of a sudden didn't mention it and said he was busy, that is why he didn't, I'm not sure why his mum was disappointed, she is really involved and quite controlling, I can't seem to shift the feeling, we was co parenting great before this and now it's been ruined, as he is acting an idiot, he really wanted me back and his actions towards me seemed real and he was being very full on, and then all of a sudden, he didn't want to know and we don't work etc.

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Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2023 14:38

Well presumably he was your ex for good reason. You've known fir a while he isn't a nice person, right?

So stop letting him convince you otherwise.

You've had a lucky escape.
Keep away from him.
Maybe have his family facilitate any contact with his child so you don't have to see him.

He's a low life, using, loser.

Pinkbonbon · 04/12/2023 14:40

based on your update actually maybe avoid his family too.

And be aware 'really full on' is never a good thing.

sixteenfurryfeet · 04/12/2023 14:43

His intentions change as often as the weather, and his family seems to have quite an influence over him, so it's not looking good long-term is it?

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/12/2023 14:45

Are you still going to court soon about contact? I really think I’d focus on that and your daughter, not him and his family who very recently you thought were bullying you and keeping DD from you. I’ve been on your other threads and I’m sorry things are so difficult. You’ve got limited emotional resources right now, expend them wisely.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 04/12/2023 15:17

Yes his family have a large influence on him, it's almost like he can't speak for himself, his mother is very controlling and he listens to her abit to much, it's like she doesn't want him to be with me, when he has in the past states over at my house to see our daughter, his mother has called and said where did he stay, where am I etc? weird things, his mum acted really supportive after my late mum passed, however how she has shown her true colours, she refused my ex of bringing our daughter home to me not to long ago, so yes this woman is a huge influence on him and not for the good. However he should have a mind if his own I know and he is very nasty towards me. Promised me the world and now does not want to know me.

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Original poster

Babygirlmum · 04/12/2023 15:49

@AnneLovesGilbert yes this is correct, it's all started since the date got closer coming to think about it, he is being an absolute nightmare, to the point I can't even co parent with him, and I also can't deal with his family either as his mother is worser than him and very manipulative.

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fulawitt · 04/12/2023 15:53

Leave and cleave.That's what he needs to do. Are his parents religious ? Did you have sex in a house were sex between people who are not married is not allowed ? Respect and obedience are to different things. As an adult he does not have to obey his parents. He is actually honoring his parents by wedding the mother of his child that he actually loves.
Well, That is an alternate reality.
Here and now ; Honey, we do not sleep with someone we are going to go in court against. That is hurt upon hurt.
Don't be his shag in the future, either he puts a ring on it and fights his own demons ( that is not your job) or you have a truce and you move on. It's fine. Love sometimes stops at unexpected crossroads.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 04/12/2023 16:09

@fulawitt no there is no religious beliefs in his family, his mum is just very interfering to the point it's strange, who asks their child if they have had sex, yes I shouldn't of given into him especially at this time, however love is blind I thought he still deep down loved me and I still some how loved him, he has put me through alot to the point I should have a large amount of hate for him however I always still have this strange feeling of love for him and I don't understand why, I wish things where different in many ways.

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Original poster

Babygirlmum · 04/12/2023 21:52

Yes all above

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gooddayruby · 05/12/2023 02:34

That is only 2 sentences😳

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 05/12/2023 12:12

@gooddayruby I'm not sure you're point?

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Hbosh · 05/12/2023 12:59

@Babygirlmum

This is your 51st post about your ex this year.
That's an average of one post per week. FOR A YEAR.
In these posts you've described over and over again how this man has been the worst.
He left you while you were pregnant.
Abandoned you to care for a newborn on your own.
Been hot and cold with you since your child has been born.
Has barely helped out, practically, financially, emotionally, ...
Has taken you to court
You've called him a narcissist.

For the love of all which is good. When is enough enough? When are you going to move on? You know he's no good for you. Why do you keep bothering?

instantick · 05/12/2023 13:08

if someone promises the world you truly believe in them its called gaslighting they feed us what we want to hear and then they ghost and know that we will still be waiting for them when they come back, they trap us mentally so we love them but life is very short my daughters father is the same but all he wants is sex and not to see his daughter i believed he loved me but now i know its all utter bollox. and i have to move on for my mental health and to respect myself and my daughter x

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 05/12/2023 13:09

@Hbosh and that is all very true unfortunately, this is what I mean why haven't I seen sense, I'm not a stupid person however I always seem to forgive him, I never forget however I always forgive, I want to move on more than anything I get he is not good for me, I dreamed of the perfect family and he promised me that when he came back into DDs life, I need to move on, it's destroying me not being able to.

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instantick · 05/12/2023 13:12

i am in the same situation i want to move on from mine but i live across the road trying to get a move and it is so emotionally/mentally draining. strength is needed

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 05/12/2023 13:13

@instantick that is exactly my situation, this is how I felt, I felt used and at my most vulnerable times, like I was easy, I'm not easy I just give into him at any point as I loved him a lot, I'm not sure how as he has put me through more than enough to have a strong amount of hatred for someone, that's exactly what it is, he knows no matter what he does to me I always take him back and for that, I dislike myself for doing so, for my own mental health I could do with never seeing him again in my life however I have a daughter to him, but I still don't feel the need I will ever have to see him again. I hope you're ok.

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instantick · 05/12/2023 13:23

i feel that like fully im the same but i know my daughter will be better off without me being emotionally put down by baby dad and family. she can make her own mind up yes it is very hard alone but its better than having the stress and sadness i do much better without anyone involved but then when they see you moving on they come back when there bored of whoever else they have waiting its called narcissim they have to have someone constantly to fall back on for there egos. youve done all that you can and he doesnt want to commit to you but do you want that same toxic man in and out? what do you love about him? just the D lol because its not that special if his out passing it about and also running away when relationship starts getting serious leave him to be his mommys boy! Weirdo lol! and get on with your life and your baby because there the ones who will miss out on being happy if mom is constantly down in the dumps because of how dads making you feel. i threw a cup at my daughters dad car im in process of getting over it there wankas when they want to be. put yourself and your daughter first xxx

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 05/12/2023 13:55

@instantick yes very true, they are the biggest narcissists, they feed off their ego, when he found out I had been with someone else apparently I had messed with his masculinity, laughable, it's ok for him but not for me, he left while I was pregnant and was sleeping with other woman, yes I know I'm a fool for even wanting this man in the slightest, I'm not sure why I can't move on, I have moved on in the past but at the end of it, I've always thought about him and I don't know what was so special as it was never that great, all as we done was argue and disagree with everything, it just felt different but hey, we are always the ones who get hurt, when he told me he had moved on it did hurt and I thought the cheek of him, when just a few weeks ago he wanted to make ago of things, I was the only girl for him and he wanted me so bad, now I am the worst person he has ever met in his life and he wants nothing to do with me I don't even know anymore.

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instantick · 05/12/2023 14:27

we need pain to heal xx its gonna hurt when it heals too it will all get better in time listen to some happy break up songs xxx

fulawitt · 05/12/2023 17:49

It's absolutely fine to forgive. You forgive someone who did you wrong. Now what are you going to do for him not to hurt you and your daughter again ? Take your time, but do move on.

Watchkeys · 05/12/2023 17:55

I feel like he has messed me about massively

Create distance (emotionally and preferably physically too) between yourself and anybody who makes you feel like this. Result: you don't feel messed about with in life.

Watchkeys · 05/12/2023 17:56

I don't even know anymore

Anyone worthy of your affection/love, you will feel sure of.

Original poster

Babygirlmum · 05/12/2023 17:59

For my own mental health and for me to be the best mum I possibly can, I need to distance myself from any type of negativity, and this is what this man is, just negativity but I can't seem to move on from him, I think about him all the time at any giving time, he enters my head. I hate it.

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