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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Please help ,am I being paranoid

56 replies

Tunagirl · 04/12/2023 11:42

Sorry if this is in the wrong section as I'm new to this .
So got a bit of a thing going off and just need some unbiased advice.
I met a guy in ticktok (tacky I know) spoke to him and he told me he lives in leeds (40 minute drive from where I live in Nottingham) after a few days we arranged to meet,he drove down and we spent a few hours in town before driving somewhere quite and having sex in his car , during this time he slipped up and told me he's actually from Liverpool .
Anyway he went back the same evening and that was about a week ago,this is where I don't know if I'm being paranoid or if there is someone else.
So he video calls me almost every day but it's the exact same time ( late evening) on his way back from work ,he only calls me when he's going or coming back from work,not once when he's been home.
He says he works 2 jobs as a career and has no time hence why he can only talk to me at night in his car ,he does send me the off msg on social media,but most of the time it's a phone call or video msg on his way back from work and almost always his phone goes dead and he's saying it's the connection that's bad .
He tells me he wants to see me but don't know when as he's always working .

He said he's not on Facebook only Instagram and ticktok so I managed to set him up an account so I can put my relationship status up with him but now he's locked it down to everybody but me ,he's also told someone I know over one of his vid calls that he works in a warehouse and even told him the company name,we googled it and it is a warehouse in Liverpool but told me he was a career ...on these video calls he's always got a hoodie on so IV never seen his uniform,it's been two weeks but after the first week he told me he lives me and I love him,he tells me everything I want to know and it makes me feel great ,just have this niggling feeling as iv always been terrible at picking out men

Am I being taken for a fool or is it just my paranoia?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tunagirl · 04/12/2023 21:58

Thank you to everyone for there response's,iv go no friends so find it hard to get advice and you people, complete stranger's have took time out to help me so thank you.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 04/12/2023 22:01

MagpiePi · 04/12/2023 18:13

Slightly off topic, but you really believed that you can drive from Nottingham to Leeds in 40 minutes?

I was absolutely stuck on this too

IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 04/12/2023 22:10

Nope, if this is real then he’s mugging you off. If he didn’t use a condom then get yourself tested, and educate yourself about Catfishing assholes on the Internet.

Flyhigher · 05/12/2023 06:46

He probably has a wife. And kids. Where do you normally meet men? Don't pick up men on TikTok. Meet friends of friends. Take some time to make a good set of girlfriends. Meet someone at work. This is just awful. It's a hook up and he's grooming you for his fun.

DurhamDurham · 05/12/2023 06:51

Sorry if this is in the wrong section as I'm new to reddit

Ah the edit feature is so useful when you mess up your opening post Grin

MyNutcrackersNuts · 05/12/2023 07:14

I've got food in the fridge older than this 'relationship'.
If you genuinely cannot see what is wrong with all of this then stay away from men until you can.

Motnight · 05/12/2023 07:22

You sound very vulnerable, Op. What is your real life support liky

Newlydivorcedyay · 05/12/2023 07:26

Before you bother dating, you need friends, real friends. Work on that part of your life and put the dating on hold for a while. Otherwise you'll just keep getting into risky situations.

Justcallmebebes · 05/12/2023 07:29

MagpiePi · 04/12/2023 18:13

Slightly off topic, but you really believed that you can drive from Nottingham to Leeds in 40 minutes?

That was my immediate thought too!

determinedtomakethiswork · 05/12/2023 07:31

Tunagirl · 04/12/2023 21:04

I feel like he can give me what I need . Love attention and a future I'm terrified of being alone

What on earth makes you think that?

Getthethrowonthesofa · 05/12/2023 07:32

Goodness this is very sad if it’s real. I’m not even sure where ti start. Meeting random strangers and having sex with them in their car isn’t a way to form a relationship. This man is having you on. He’s either married, or is just in it for the occasional sex. No one loves no one at this point.

why have you no friends? What’s caused that to occur?

Firefly2009 · 05/12/2023 08:08

He told you he loves you after 2 weeks?! No. Run for the hills. You can’t love someone you barely know.

Not paranoid. You just got attached to someone you don’t even know.

Dump him now. And if you feel unable to do that, call him at a time more convenient to you, instead of him calling the shots. And I’d insist on knowing what his two jobs actually are. And his address. And surname. And Google him so you know the basics.
If you’re not even able to do that for whatever reasons, you need to block this stranger ASAP.

lovenotwar149 · 05/12/2023 08:40

I would NOT see him again....get rid!

JennyGracexx · 05/12/2023 08:44

What mean comments. OP I'm sorry to say that I agree this 'man' is using you (although some of these comments could use a bit of sympathy and tact!). Block him and spend some time alone- Mr Right will come along when you least expect it x

nomoretoriesforme · 05/12/2023 08:58

You need therapy to work on your self esteem.xx

Original poster
Tunagirl · 05/12/2023 09:29

He's told me his surname. I have googled it but nothing has come up anywhere

OP posts:
FrostyFlo · 05/12/2023 09:38

He will 100% be married or at least in a relationship .
Tell him you will come to his hometown and stay the night .
I think he will an excuse as why that's not a good idea.

CumbrianYorkshireHybrid · 05/12/2023 09:44

He isn't going to tell you his real name when he's clearly married. He's ringing you on the way home from work to his family. Surely at 33 you recognise he isn't who he says. If this is real you need to work on yourself. Get some hobbies, make friends and set firm boundaries. Shagging someone in a car on a first meeting isn't going to get what you want.

Mushroom2023 · 05/12/2023 09:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Insertdeadcatsnamehere · 05/12/2023 09:57

There's no way you can drive from Leeds to Nottingham in 40 mins

SamW98 · 05/12/2023 09:59

If this is real then OP you need to take time away from sex in cars with strangers and look at learning to love yourself.

Your self respect is on the floor and until you’ve worked on that you really aren’t in a place to be dating.

It’s a cliche but a true one that until you learn to love yourself, you can’t really love anyone else.

I agree with others, this man isn’t wanting anything more than an easy shag - he’s almost certainly not single and while you’re making no strings sex available for him, he’ll tell you any old BS.

Theallseeingnothing · 05/12/2023 10:18

This has brought tears to my eyes

Everybody saying this can not be real and to grow up might not have been in this position

I have and when you have someone telling you everything you want to hear and you think you've found the perfect man you sometimes see that he's not good and is lying but you ignore that

OP let me guess he has told you your amazing and he can't believe how lucky he is . That the distance was worrying him but he will find a way to make it work . He makes you feel like you are his everything,spent a little bit of money on you when you first met and telling you he can't believe how lucky he is .you look beautiful,young,sexy and your amazing

Next thing you know your hooked.
he will stop spending money on you but still demand to meet you (when he can) you will fall out with all your family,friends and workmates because there telling you how silly you are being,he will tell you your not and you will believe him over the dozens of people that will tell you that you are

everybody is out to break you up for some reason,why can't they just leave you alone to be happy right?

Does all of that sound similar?

It happened to me hun when I was in my teens and it ended with me chasing a man I really didn't know who had a partner and a child ,I chased him for over a year and it....HE destroyed my life .

He's lying to you hun ,he's no good and if he really wanted you , driving what 4 or 5 hours from Liverpool then back when didn't he get a hotel for you and stay over to treat you like a queen instead of a booty call?

And let's not start on the dangers of driving to a secluded area with a stranger in his car for sex,what if you said no?
What would he have done ?
Also I want to echo a poster who told you not to have sex in a car ,all it takes is for somebody to report it to the police then you both will be arrested and charged with sexual offences.
You will be classed as a sex offender OP
Your life will be over

He needed to get back to his family that's why
100% he told his family he is working late or has a work emergency

OP you are just an easy lay for him ,I'm sorry hun and how many other women has he got "on tap"

It took me many years to build my life back ,to get the trust back from my family and friends,I was sofa surfing for years ,this "man" destroyed my life (I took was to blame for being so stupid)
I lost all my friends and family because I seen them as "getting involved" I got kicked out , and spent months sleeping on sofas

Please don't do this OP ,listen to the people on here,listen to your family and friends because I can guarantee they have already had there say and you've fell out with them .

Get some help,look after yourself , respect yourself,stop meeting men off social media (would I be right thinking your a teenager?)

There are good men out there,loads of them ,and you WILL find the right one if you look in the right places .

Ow for the record, leeds is and hour and a half drive from Nottingham on a good day

SerpentEndBench · 05/12/2023 10:19

I am so sorry, he sounds like a user.

I am concerned about you, you sound so lonely and vulnerable.

Gilles27 · 05/12/2023 11:36

Is he calling while driving? He should be dumped for that alone - never mind the rest!

perfectcolourfound · 05/12/2023 11:48

Please please please forget about this man.

You don't love him. You can't love someone you don't know. And the little you know about him is that he's lied to you, and he's told you he's too busy to see you. You can't love him at this stage, and if you feel that you do, you really need to work on understanding yourself better, because that isn't healthy.

You know he's lied to you. Lied about where he lives. Likely lied about his job. Possibly lied about his relationship status. Whatever his 'reason' for lying, it isn't good. Healthy relationships don't involve any amount of lying. And then there's the WHY he's lying. Probably he's married or in a LTR. Possibly he knows he doesn't want any commitment with you so is telling you as little about himself as possible. Possible he's a habitual liar. Whatever the 'reason' it isn't good.

Your approach to SM seems a bit unusual. It's fine not to 'do' SM. Why would you set up someone on SM who doesn't want to be on SM? And just because you want him to advertise his relationship status? If I were him, I'd be really put off by the fact that a) you're trying to force him to use SM, and b) you're advertising yours and his relationship, and c) doing it when it's so early, you don't even know each other yet.

Please don't ever have sex in a car. Sex in a car will very rarely be a pre-cursor to a good relationship.

I understand that you'd like to be in a relationship, but please understand that it is 1000 times better being single than being with the wrong person. Relationships are only any good when they are with a decent, honest person, who values you and wants to be with you, wants the very best for you (and vice versa). That sort of r'shop is worth waiting for. If you pursue something with this man you will end up wasting precious time, and feeling even less self confident.

Please work on other areas of life before you THINK about dating. Build up some friendships, some RL support, think about what's important to you in life, what do you want from a partner? What will you not accept?

Please don't ever think that having 'a man' is the answer to anything at all.

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