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Original poster

Worried his vacillating cost me fertile years. Hopeful stories wanted.

37 replies

fragilrock00 · 04/12/2023 11:21

I recently ended things with my 'D'P of 3.5 years. We are both 37 and he's known from the start that I want kids, but will only have them if we are married. He's always said he wants the same, thinks marriage is an important next step especially as he wanted kids. We both own our flats, make decent money, have a good relationship where he often said I was his best friend, we share all our hobbies, have dealt with some big tragedies and come out stronger (me losing my dad, him going through a traumatic incident). But he couldn't decide whether to marry me.

A year ago i decided to be proactive and asked him when we could set a date. We both want to elope so it's as easy as just booking a registry office and getting on with it. He was initially enthusiastic, we booked a date/honeymoon and then a few days later he had a panic and said he wasn't ready. Now he struggles with change generally, so as upset as I was we agreed we'd take it slow and let it happen organically. But I made it clear it needed to happen by the end of this year as I didn't have much more time to have children. He nodded sagely, said he understood and off we went.

I checked in with him at the 6 month mark, and he said he wanted to do it himself (design a ring as his best friend is a jeweller) and do it traditionally. Fine. Last month, he told me it would be happening imminently (we had a trip booked) and even started showing me dresses he thought I'd like and discussing the honeymoon. Well, in a tale as old as time we went on this trip and no proposal. When I asked him wtf he was playing at - he said he loved me but marriage felt like a huge step and he was struggling to commit to it. That he could envisage us having a child, buying a house but couldn't see the wedding. His parents had a horrible divorce and he never thought he'd end up married - it feels too alien a concept to him. That in the moments when we discussed it, it felt like a great idea but then a few days later it panicked him. When I asked if he'd want to have kids without marriage, he said, No....(!!!!!).When I asked him what he needed to be sure, he said he doesn't know and didn't know when he would be sure. But of course he couldn't imagine life without me blah blah blah.

So I took it to mean that he didn't want to get married to me and dumped him. I am just so upset that I ended up i this position at 37, and never realised before he wasn't interested in marrying me! While I don't regret ending things as I feel he never saw me as the 'one', I am feeling quite sad that I may have missed the boat to have a family. Could I have some hopeful stories of women who started families later in life, either with or without a man please? Or women who came out the other side of dating time wasters to have a family?

OP posts:
Tracker1234 · 04/12/2023 11:28

Of course you can turn it around but you need to be very focused. I am going to sound harsh here but you are clearly struggling with working out what men mean and giving them chance after chance. Then you find its been years... My SIL was the same. Made every excuse for her various relationships and then found it was just too late.

If it was me I would join a dating agency where people (especially men!)actually have to pay money to join. Avoid online anything where no money changes hands. Two friends have used agencies and whilst they are not ideal at 37 you cannot meet men at parties, bars etc (like we all could in the old days!).

Warning - they arent cheap....

Annasgirl · 04/12/2023 11:31

Oh OP, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. But be strong. Here are my successes.

My Dsis met her partner when she was 36:had a child at 38 and an half; and a second at 44!

Her 2 friends both had a child alone, one at 42 and one at 47!

I had my youngest at 43.

I hope this helps - I’m sure there will be loads more soon.

Justanything86 · 04/12/2023 11:34

No advice op but I'm in a very similar position. I've decided I'm on the fence enough about kids that I won't rush into anything but I do know women who have a stronger urge that have used donors and seem very happy with this decision. Its hard to make that call when fresh out of a relationship though as you have a strong idea of what you thought was going to happen that has been taken away.

Whataretheodds · 04/12/2023 11:39

Some men don't know what they want or just need to be shaken out of their inertia.

You have done the right thing. If I were you I would go for a fertility MOT and consider freezing eggs and/or embryos (certainly the latter if I thought I could be a solo mum by choice, but arguments for even if not).

I'm 42, pregnant with my partner whom I met at 38, became romantically involved with at 39, got pregnant at 41, 2 MCs now expecting a baby in Jan. It can and does happen but you need to take charge of your fertility if children (or the option of them) is important to you.

Original poster
fragilrock00 · 04/12/2023 12:29

Tracker1234 · 04/12/2023 11:28

Of course you can turn it around but you need to be very focused. I am going to sound harsh here but you are clearly struggling with working out what men mean and giving them chance after chance. Then you find its been years... My SIL was the same. Made every excuse for her various relationships and then found it was just too late.

If it was me I would join a dating agency where people (especially men!)actually have to pay money to join. Avoid online anything where no money changes hands. Two friends have used agencies and whilst they are not ideal at 37 you cannot meet men at parties, bars etc (like we all could in the old days!).

Warning - they arent cheap....

I have been married before and divorced so this is only my second serious relationship and my exH never vacillated like this. So I was definitely naive not seeing his first freak out about marriage as a symptom of something bigger than just 'not wanting change'. Ugh.

OP posts:
Wednesdaysotherchild · 04/12/2023 12:42

I started ttc at 37 (after a future faker stole years). At 41, I’ve had 15 miscarriages and still no baby. We’ve done 5 rounds of embryo banking and struggle to get normal embryos despite doing everything possible. I’m expecting to come away childless.

My advice from the extreme end of the spectrum (what I wish I did) is get private fertility MOT and whatever that says (I had a good one so I relaxed), get some embryos frozen asap. Use donor sperm if you have to. Frozen Eggs don’t always survive the thaw but embryos are stronger. Give yourself options inncase you can’t conceive.

Oh, also, read “It starts with the Egg”.

Tracker1234 · 04/12/2023 12:45

Well you have learnt from this and good for you taking back control.

I had children at 37 and 41 but I wasnt sure I even wanted them then met a man who I did want them with. I also knew that I didnt want to date a man who had children already - I know some who dont find it an issue but I would rather have stayed single!

category12 · 04/12/2023 12:49

I would strongly consider how much you want children and think about going it alone.

At 37, you don't really have that much time to properly get to know someone before you need to start trying, realistically. It's possible, but there will be a lot of time pressure.

So rather than rush the relationship, you might want to go solo if you can afford to.

Certainly get a fertility check if you can.

Echobelly · 04/12/2023 12:51

I know two women who got to about mid 30s and decided to become a parents alone, one with a teenager now, one with two young ones, both by donor. Both work freelance and the second I think lives very near her mum who helps her a lot, so they have made it work.

Tracker1234 · 04/12/2023 12:52

Category makes a good point.. are you willing to consider going it on your own. Do you have support around you that might make things easier?

Marlena1 · 04/12/2023 13:14

OP, I was a little bit younger but I went on a mission. I joined OLD for first time ever and I was only interested in the ones that seemed like they meant business (I know that I could have got this wrong and had had many years wasted in the past). I met DP and went for it after a few months. I cannot say I've a perfect relationship (being honest he wasn't the most perfect man to have children with) but I've no regrets. I think it's a risk but when you don't have many years to waste, it's this or go it alone. I think you have time (I know this isn't a given as pps have said) but I would definitely get going as soon as you can.

Channellingsophistication · 04/12/2023 13:39

How awful for him to string you along like that…

I divorced at 36 felt worried like you as we had been trying for children, met someone else and had a baby at 38!

Petitedress · 04/12/2023 13:43

Annasgirl · 04/12/2023 11:31

Oh OP, I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. But be strong. Here are my successes.

My Dsis met her partner when she was 36:had a child at 38 and an half; and a second at 44!

Her 2 friends both had a child alone, one at 42 and one at 47!

I had my youngest at 43.

I hope this helps - I’m sure there will be loads more soon.

My friend's mum was peri at 39. She had her last child at 38. Thankfully she had both children in her 30s but my friend (we are in our 20s) is worried about her future fertility. I have a child but she doesn't. It's not a given that a woman will be super fertile and easily fall pregnant in her 40s.

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 13:56

category12 · 04/12/2023 12:49

I would strongly consider how much you want children and think about going it alone.

At 37, you don't really have that much time to properly get to know someone before you need to start trying, realistically. It's possible, but there will be a lot of time pressure.

So rather than rush the relationship, you might want to go solo if you can afford to.

Certainly get a fertility check if you can.

Just out of curiosity where are all those women who can afford childcare plus mortgage on their own? Are they mortgage free? Do they have help with childcare or live somewhere very cheap?
I don't think many women can just do it on their own.

Mrsttcno1 · 04/12/2023 14:08

DH’s cousin was in a similar position at 35 and ended up going it alone as she was adamant nothing was more important than her having a baby, she didn’t listen to any advice at all, ended up doing it herself rather than through a clinic, having found someone on facebook to donate (would not recommend this obviously)!! She now has a 4 year old and is miserable and openly says she regrets her decision because she didn’t realise how hard the reality would be. She had to take a shorter maternity leave as there was no partner to support her, there was no partner to “take turns” with days/nights there is only her, her career has been massively impacted as school/nursery runs/sick days etc are ALL her responsibility, she has had basically no dating life at all since as there is no other parent for weekends/weeks off regularly, her grandparents do the odd night but she has very little totally free time, financially it has been and still is really tough as it’s one income to support them both. Of course family will occasionally help out baby sitting but it doesn’t even come close to comparing to having a physical, financial, emotional partner in parenting and she didn’t appreciate that before going ahead so it’s just something to consider when thinking of going it alone. It’s a massive undertaking. I’m currently pregnant and luckily have had a straight forward pregnancy so far but even so I think I would have really struggled with pregnancy without DH’s support and thats even before baby is here x

Mischance · 04/12/2023 14:15

You both have fundamentally different plans for your futures. They do not tally, so you need to leave him now or so much resentment will build up. He is entitled to his idea of the future, but so are you, and you are worlds apart on this.

Crushed23 · 04/12/2023 14:38

I’m in the same boat, OP.

I have days where I think I’ve got plenty of time to meet someone and have a baby, and days where I’m resigned to remaining childless. I think the uncertainty around which way my life is going to go is the hardest.

category12 · 04/12/2023 16:25

Lili132 · 04/12/2023 13:56

Just out of curiosity where are all those women who can afford childcare plus mortgage on their own? Are they mortgage free? Do they have help with childcare or live somewhere very cheap?
I don't think many women can just do it on their own.

Show quote history

That's why I added "if you can afford to" and "if you can" 🙄

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 16:40

I'm going to say that, cynically, I imagine a lot of women would have just stayed with him and not used contraception (presuming he was willing to have full sex without condoms) and they'd have had their kids sooner or later, whether the relationship worked out or not (stayed together or didn't/got married or didn't).

Your way of going about things (upfront, wanting agreement) is my way too ... But it's not many people's way.

MMmomDD · 04/12/2023 17:09

OP - you don’t have to end up childless. You have choices and can direct your life wherever. Why do you make it dependent on having a guy and a ring?
Even if when people have kids in a marriage - there is no guarantee they won’t end up separated or as single parents.

You need to be smart. Have IVF now - or at least freeze some embryos.
Realistically though - at 37 its the hardest to meet someone to have kids with.
Men who want kids - prefer to meet younger women - to maximise chances. Who could blame them.
You don’t have time to just wait and meet someone naturally. And also get to know them.
It’s a gamble no matter how you look at it - as you’ll have to pounce on the first guy who (maybe) would come along and be willing to have a baby….

Why not take control back and pick a sperm donor. At least - at 37 your odds at conceiving are still OK.

good luck!!!

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/12/2023 17:50

Please seriously consider getting your eggs frozen because the quality of your eggs is going to be steeply declining now. Insurance policy for the future, trust me, you'll be very glad you did this if you get to your 40s and you're struggling to conceive and stay pregnant.

bakewellbride · 04/12/2023 17:52

My friend had a baby via sperm donor ivf. The baby is a toddler now and they are a very happy team of 2.

MixMatch · 04/12/2023 17:58

How horrible @fragilrock00 that your ex boyfriend was so dishonest and wicked - he would have known from early on that he never truly wanted to marry yet he lied to you for years.

The problem is that women in the West give men ALL the benefits of marriage WITHOUT marriage. Therefore women give men the luxury and power of having control over women's lives in this way. Why would most men marry when they get regular sex, live in woman (even kids in many cases, and almost always with his surname) without having to commit to you? Without marriage they have the additional "benefit" of being able to leave you at any time without any real consequences for them.

Despite you saying marriage was important to you, your actions actually directly contradicted this by agreeing to live with him as a pseudo wife when he hadn't committed to you. He was gaining too much from using you for sex etc. to break it off when he should have done. Horrible behaviour on his part but you allowed him to do this, so you need to learn this hard lesson to prevent it from happening again. If a man wants to marry you, he knows fairly early on and he will make it clear. Don't live with another man again unless married 💐

EyeInTheSky23 · 04/12/2023 18:12

MixMatch · 04/12/2023 17:58

How horrible @fragilrock00 that your ex boyfriend was so dishonest and wicked - he would have known from early on that he never truly wanted to marry yet he lied to you for years.

The problem is that women in the West give men ALL the benefits of marriage WITHOUT marriage. Therefore women give men the luxury and power of having control over women's lives in this way. Why would most men marry when they get regular sex, live in woman (even kids in many cases, and almost always with his surname) without having to commit to you? Without marriage they have the additional "benefit" of being able to leave you at any time without any real consequences for them.

Despite you saying marriage was important to you, your actions actually directly contradicted this by agreeing to live with him as a pseudo wife when he hadn't committed to you. He was gaining too much from using you for sex etc. to break it off when he should have done. Horrible behaviour on his part but you allowed him to do this, so you need to learn this hard lesson to prevent it from happening again. If a man wants to marry you, he knows fairly early on and he will make it clear. Don't live with another man again unless married 💐

I would agree with most of this but I would add the caveat that marriage only benefits the less well off party.
If the woman has more assets or is likely to have more, it's not in her interests to marry. I've seen too many women go for the marriage , only for the marriage to break down (usually due to the man's behaviour) and he then swanned off with a nice portion of her assets, when he brought none of his own into the marriage.

This was their reward for being pathologically controlling and jealous (man one) and a spendthrift & violent (man two) whom my sister had to intervene & stop from beating his wife (kitchen windows face each other so she saw it) ..... A nice few 10000s better off than they went in. No effect whatsoever on their settlement.

It's only the goal if you're not better off or likely to be during the marriage.

In op's relationship they seemed to be equally well off but that might not always be the case.

Original poster
fragilrock00 · 04/12/2023 18:36

category12 · 04/12/2023 12:49

I would strongly consider how much you want children and think about going it alone.

At 37, you don't really have that much time to properly get to know someone before you need to start trying, realistically. It's possible, but there will be a lot of time pressure.

So rather than rush the relationship, you might want to go solo if you can afford to.

Certainly get a fertility check if you can.

I have thought about going it alone - financially it would be just about doable, and my job lets me work remotely, but I'd be heavily reliant on paid childcare for support. Money would be very very tight. I have some good friends close by but no family as they are in another country and wouldn't be able to move to the UK. I'm under no illusions how difficult it would be not having family support which is why it would really be a last resort. But I guess I'll have to give it serious consideration now. I'm no stranger to hard graft as i moved to the UK at 20 alone with no money or contacts and built my life from scratch (even before marriage) - so hopefully I'm resilient enough to be a single mum.

Fertility wise, this MOT is the next step!

OP posts:
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