Worried his vacillating cost me fertile years. Hopeful stories wanted.

[fragilrock00]

I recently ended things with my 'D'P of 3.5 years. We are both 37 and he's known from the start that I want kids, but will only have them if we are married. He's always said he wants the same, thinks marriage is an important next step especially as he wanted kids. We both own our flats, make decent money, have a good relationship where he often said I was his best friend, we share all our hobbies, have dealt with some big tragedies and come out stronger (me losing my dad, him going through a traumatic incident). But he couldn't decide whether to marry me.

A year ago i decided to be proactive and asked him when we could set a date. We both want to elope so it's as easy as just booking a registry office and getting on with it. He was initially enthusiastic, we booked a date/honeymoon and then a few days later he had a panic and said he wasn't ready. Now he struggles with change generally, so as upset as I was we agreed we'd take it slow and let it happen organically. But I made it clear it needed to happen by the end of this year as I didn't have much more time to have children. He nodded sagely, said he understood and off we went.

I checked in with him at the 6 month mark, and he said he wanted to do it himself (design a ring as his best friend is a jeweller) and do it traditionally. Fine. Last month, he told me it would be happening imminently (we had a trip booked) and even started showing me dresses he thought I'd like and discussing the honeymoon. Well, in a tale as old as time we went on this trip and no proposal. When I asked him wtf he was playing at - he said he loved me but marriage felt like a huge step and he was struggling to commit to it. That he could envisage us having a child, buying a house but couldn't see the wedding. His parents had a horrible divorce and he never thought he'd end up married - it feels too alien a concept to him. That in the moments when we discussed it, it felt like a great idea but then a few days later it panicked him. When I asked if he'd want to have kids without marriage, he said, No....(!!!!!).When I asked him what he needed to be sure, he said he doesn't know and didn't know when he would be sure. But of course he couldn't imagine life without me blah blah blah.

So I took it to mean that he didn't want to get married to me and dumped him. I am just so upset that I ended up i this position at 37, and never realised before he wasn't interested in marrying me! While I don't regret ending things as I feel he never saw me as the 'one', I am feeling quite sad that I may have missed the boat to have a family. Could I have some hopeful stories of women who started families later in life, either with or without a man please? Or women who came out the other side of dating time wasters to have a family?

I personally would not depend on a fertility mot. I had seven rounds of ivf for unexplained fertility. Eight round at a different clinic had twins. Got pregnant accidentally with dc3 thinking I didn't need contraception. Also got pregnant with dc4 first time trying at 42. I don't think any of this would have shown up in a fertility check.

It's exactly this uncertainty that's so hard to deal with. And also the pressure of making a decision now that has such long lasting consequences. I'm so sorry you're in the same boat. I'm like you, some days I'm optimistic, others despondent.

Thank you for sharing this. Fertility really is just so complex, it's hard to know where to start! My friend had this MOT at 36 where they told her she would struggle to conceive, so should start asap. She had 2 miscarriages, and finally her baby girl but each time she got pregnant within a month or 2 of trying.

Going it alone would be worth it I think. You already know you can manage new things really well. You also know men come and go.

Yeah, I just want to sound a note of caution on fertility MOTs and egg/embryo freezing. 37 yr old eggs aren't amazing, the MOT can't tell you about their quality, and you may have various other things, like blood clotting issues, that make pregnancy harder, that won't show up on a MOT. Basically, don't take comfort from these things that you have time - neither can guarantee you a baby in your 40s.

You don't have much time, maybe 4 more years but if you have to discover antiphosphlid syndrome or similar first, you're going to need to get cracking. I did squeeze 3 rounds of IVF, 3 babies and 3 miscarriages into those last 5 years of fertility, so it can be done, but I had v good friends who told me to not waste a moment, having spent a lot of time on natural approaches and acupuncture and whatnot when what they wished they'd done was hit the IVF early and often.

I met DH a few weeks before my 38th birthday.

We have 3 young children and hope to start trying for a fourth next year.

We're knackered... but very happy and in love. I wish you the same happiness.

Get the MOT but don’t rely on it. I was told
mine was excellent but it turned out that whilst I can get pregnant, I lose them all. This is a mix of egg quality and immune issues for me.

A key point is that egg quality cannot be tested for - you only find out how good your eggs are when they are actually fertilised. General health isn’t a sure indicator as people I know who give off super healthy vibes have worse eggs than others who don’t, it’s a true lottery!

The younger you are when you ttc or collect eggs via IVF, the better quality they are likely to be. I don’t want to freak you out - only sharing this because I was like you several years ago. You may be fine and conceive straight away (hopefully) but if I could go back in time and not take the risk, I would. The fertility industry can tend to promise more than it is able to deliver!

OP, stay positive, I fell pregnant (while not trying) at 44 and had fab DS at 45, so no, you haven't missed the boat, but you need to get on with it.

I'd look seriously at going it alone. You have a career, a home, if you want a child there is no reason not to.

However dating after you have a child is not easy and you may find yourself single for a significant period of time. Not necessarily but possible. So be sure you go into it with your eyes open.

Having said that, I wouldn't change a thing. My 15 years with DS have been the happiest ever.

Good luck.

I'm always baffled as to how some people seem to be able to move on and find someone else so quickly, especially mid to late thirties. Is it dating apps? I split with my partner nearly a year ago, and am only now getting to a place where I'm even starting to think about dating again! I have had a lot going on this year health-wise and other life stuff, but I think even if I hadn't, I'd have struggled to meet someone else.

Sorry @fragilrock00 , what a horrible thing for him to do. A close friend is going through a similar situation, re being strung along with a future faker.

I’ve not got any personal experience, but a colleague recently went down the sperm donor route and has not long returned to work after having her son 9 months ago. Our employer has very generous maternity pay, (6 months full pay, then into statutory mat pay) and I imagine without this she would have had to come back a lot sooner. She also has family locally and I know her parents are looking after her child at least a few days per week.

In my experience of OLD in my late 30s, I would say that unfortunately there are massive double standards out there. The vast majority of men who are keen to settle and have children quickly, will be looking to do so with somebody a lot younger. Whereas those who will are looking to date someone a similar age will most likely not want children or be indifferent towards having children, often because they already have children from a previous relationship.

I would say that you need to seriously decide what is the most important to you, a meaningful relationship, or a child. Best of luck whatever you do decide.

@whimsicalmoon I do agree with you, I moved on quickly and we had a baby early into our relationship as time was of the essence with my fertility situation. We were unsure how relationship would develop and it hasn’t been easy but DC is now a teenager and we have survived.

@fragilrock00

I had a few of my friends in your situation - trying to date to immediately start family with at the age 37/38… It’s heartbreakingly hard.

Both ended up going alone. And one had to use donor eggs as her own weren’t working anymore. And she had a few rounds of IVF.

So - don’t waste your time despairing men situation. You can’t change it.
And don’t be naive and hopeful that some prince of a man will come your way just in time. Great if he does, of course - but you cant count on that. Count on yourself and rest will be a bonus.

Make a plan instead. Look at your financials, consider what is possible. You’ll be using external/outsourced childcare - but so what? Even with partners people use childcare; partners don’t always do their bit; and aren’t always around. You’ll be eligible for free nursery hours froM a certain age. There are childminders that are fairly priced. Many working parents use paid childcare.