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Original poster

What’s OLD like with women (as a woman)?

36 replies

Caromiss · 04/12/2023 09:02

I’ve recently come out of a long relationship with a man and have realised I’m bisexual - I’d like to start dating women but am scared! Does anyone have experience of OLD as bisexual/lesbian/queer woman? Or other good ways to meet women? I’m in my thirties if that’s relevant.

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Original poster
Caromiss · 04/12/2023 16:59

Hopeful bump

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Precipice · 04/12/2023 17:03

A lot of the people you see come up are either men or heterosexual couples looking for a threesome. Less common than those two but still common are women who are either looking for a man or for a friend.

I had some matches, but mostly I found the conversation petered out fairly quickly. I was always the one who messaged. A lot of women have no profile info or just instagram links, but also a lot of women have some comment in their profile about how you should message first because they feel awkward or whatever. It can be awkward! It's more likely to be awkward if there's nothing in the profile to start a conversation about.

Birdkin · 04/12/2023 17:35

I second precipices comment.

I recommend getting involved in local groups for queer women and try and meet people in person. I met my girlfriend speed dating through a meet-up group!

Original poster
Caromiss · 04/12/2023 22:13

@Precipice @Birdkin thank you! Can I ask which apps you used or is this all of them? Mostly doesn’t sound great!
Good tip re in person meet ups though thanks - I found a few through the Meet Ups app so will try to pluck up the courage…

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Original poster
Caromiss · 04/12/2023 22:21

I do also get the feeling MN isn’t the place to ask this - but where is? (genuine question!)

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Billi80 · 04/12/2023 23:10

Try hinge!

Grendell · 04/12/2023 23:34

There are Facebook groups you could join - social and/or dating groups. It would allow you to just have some conversations with other women.

WorkerBee83 · 04/12/2023 23:37

Some lovely groups on facebook but if you want an app try HER xx

Darhon · 05/12/2023 07:30

Used Hinge and Her in my 40s. It was fine. In fact not having the shit about who should message first was better for me. I liked hinge best actually. You can comment on the pictures and things. Ignore those looking for thirds. You will still get the odd man through. Lots of activity on Saturdays and Sundays, I found. People get the chat going to set up a date for later in the week. I’m a good decade older than you. I think your age group will be more likely to have Instagram profiles. Reddit have a good late bloomer community. Dated around 5 women during lockdowns as well! Chatted to maybe the same amount. Been with someone for more than 2 years.

ElizaSwan · 05/12/2023 10:23

I meet women at friendship groups, like others say. OK in London but a bit sparse in rural areas. In conversations about relationships, just say you would prepare to find a woman rather than a man. No grand announcement needed.
Do you go to womens classes at Gym or swim? who do you see in changing areas?
Weird women looking for a third. (I suspect) You will be the special gift to the man! Yuck!
Be wary about the Full-on lesbians, who can be pretty tough.
Do persevere though, it can be so loving and romantic.

Original poster
Caromiss · 06/12/2023 08:19

Thanks everyone! @Grendell @WorkerBee83 which Facebook groups do you recommend? Thanks for the recommendations of Her and Hinge too. I’m fairly close to London for friendship groups - are those on Meetup usually, @ElizaSwan ?

I'm a bit nervous about all groups/apps at the moment as I’m not fully ‘out’ - but I think there is private mode? I’m maybe not quite ready overall, but good to know which options are there for the future.

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IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere · 06/12/2023 09:10

ElizaSwan · 05/12/2023 10:23

I meet women at friendship groups, like others say. OK in London but a bit sparse in rural areas. In conversations about relationships, just say you would prepare to find a woman rather than a man. No grand announcement needed.
Do you go to womens classes at Gym or swim? who do you see in changing areas?
Weird women looking for a third. (I suspect) You will be the special gift to the man! Yuck!
Be wary about the Full-on lesbians, who can be pretty tough.
Do persevere though, it can be so loving and romantic.

‘Be wary about the Full-on lesbians, who can be pretty tough.’

what do you mean by this?

‘Do you go to womens classes at Gym or swim? who do you see in changing areas?’

WTF? I think it’s you women need to be wary of.

Original poster
Caromiss · 06/12/2023 09:21

@IveOnlyEverHeardOutwithONHere yes agreed - I was trying to ignore that post and got mixed up , didn’t mean to @ them!!

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InTheOrangery · 06/12/2023 09:56

There is a lot of substance abuse and mental ill health in the gay community in general. Life is generally much harder growing up gay and this takes its toll. Trauma responses, basically.

We all have issues and baggage, but it’s a bit more severe in this community. I have encountered personality disorders and eating disorders of various kinds. Marijuana and alcohol abuse are very common.
There were also loneliness and isolation issues stemming from not very close relationships with family, for obvious reasons.

I generally found the more senior the women were in their careers, the more ruthless and emotionally less developed - they had expended a lot of energy climbing the ladder and emotional intelligence had suffered as a result.
Never having had children meant for less nurturing inclinations.

The women who were not as developed professionally often had home insecurity and debt to deal with, both these things are extremely restricting and stressful and can impact the relationship.

There were surprisingly high number of scammers and sexual predators, women are not inherently more safe.

This is my personal experience. Due to the issues listed above, I’m taking a break at t from dating, online or otherwise.

WorkerBee83 · 06/12/2023 10:14

Here’s some of the group’s I’m in. More for making friends and meet ups. It’s normal for you to feel nervous so just don’t rush in to anything and you don’t have to label yourself. I’m still nervous about dating and I came out 20years ago, so I can imagine how you feel x

What’s OLD like with women (as a woman)?
ElizaSwan · 06/12/2023 11:16

Sorry if I upset anyone with other post, I should have made it longer and explained more as @InTheOrangery did. I had an unfortunate encounter with a very intense woman with alcohol problems.
Another, in a bar called me a 'tourist' as a kind of warning to her friend who was chatting with me.

ChilliMilly · 26/12/2023 15:25

I might be a bit late here :) but I was quite similar divorced at 34 and then I just focused in raising my daughter and didn't really think of being with someone. When I got to 38, that craving, wanting to be with someone came back and honestly all I could think about was women. I signed up for the usual apps, met a couple of blokes but nothing went anywhere. But last year I decided to focus on dating properly as my daughter started uni, and I was feeling incredibly lonely. I signed up for a few apps at the same time, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge and Her and this time I was brave and decided to look for women only.

I'm 44 now and one thing I did find was that there were very few users on Hinge, Her and Bumble, Tinder was awful. But once I expanded my age settings, I was getting loads of matches with 20 something's eek. I actually did go on dates with a few women, and it was quite pleasant. And I ended up having a fling with a lovely girl who was 24 and yep my friends teased me a little but it was a good experience for me. It gave me a huge confidence boost and now I actually have been seeing a woman who's 26 for 3 months, and it's going well. Keep an open mind especially when it comes to age😊 good luck!

Original poster
Caromiss · 27/12/2023 10:06

Hi @ChilliMilly that’s interesting thank you, and great that you are happy now!
I have now dipped my toe very lightly into the waters of OLD and found the app HER quite promising - there were actually a few potential matches but I don’t think I’m ready to date yet.

So far I’ve set my filters to 32+ (I’m late thirties) which already feels quite young but maybe I need to keep an open mind to younger women! What’s it like with that age gap, if you don’t mind me asking?

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ChilliMilly · 28/12/2023 11:15

@Caromiss To be honest it's quite refreshing, I've never really stopped listening to new music for example so we have a lot of overlap there and we can go to gigs and concerts and it's genuinely nice having that. She's educated , doing fine in terms of her career and that helps too. The age gap feels like a non issue :) and from her perspective I don't have a young child so me and her are in a similar place I suppose and that's what makes dating her easy. The attraction was immediate and we have a healthy sex life which I haven't always had when I've dated men

It's worth keeping an open mind :)

Sparkshaveflown · 28/12/2023 13:44

Op, just wondering how you are getting on with the apps? I am tempted to try but worried I may be recognised or someone I know on there. A little older than you, 6 yrs divorced and new to this. I am ready but had hoped to meet someone more organically. Really just worried if I am recognised, have 2 dc and trusted friend has told me I will be viewed differently if I have a relationship with another female. I don't care what she thinks but guess I am worried generally and it is holding me back.

Original poster
Caromiss · 28/12/2023 14:47

@Sparkshaveflown I believe you can use incognito mode on most apps? So only people you ‘like’ can see you, you have to pay extra for this though (eg £10 a month). This also allows you to see more matches, set your location as different to where you live, etc.

I would say that those who would view you differently (in a negative way) would (in my view) not be worth your friendship anyway! But I know coming out is a very personal decision and journey - I’m not ‘out’ really (my separation is very recent) - though I have discussed it with friends. This is part of my hesitation around using apps at the moment, but it isn’t about dating women, for me, but about dating generally - I feel it’s a bit too soon and also don’t want to be recognised on apps etc.

I have registered briefly and saw some people I could imagine meeting up with but realised it was too soon for me - emotionally and for the reasons above. I was pleasantly surprised though, it seemed feasible (in theory) and not too scary! There were a lot of other divorced/separated women and women with DC, as well as younger women, a nice mix (this was on HER, I personally found Hinge really fake seeming and odd!).

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Original poster
Caromiss · 28/12/2023 14:48

Also @Sparkshaveflown there are some great podcasts and Facebook groups out there - you are very much not alone!! Late blooming lesbians (or queer women) are pretty common I’ve found, if not on Mumsnet :)

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Sparkshaveflown · 28/12/2023 15:41

@Caromiss Thank you. Wishing you all the best .

ChilliMilly · 28/12/2023 16:17

@Sparkshaveflown I'd suggest using more than one app too, in my case I had Bumble, Hinge and Her and as caromiss suggested, it's worth paying for things like incognito mode as I do appreciate it's not easy for someone in your situation. Remember, you're only in your 40s , there's no need to rush , I'm taking it one day at a time at the moment too. You'll find women are more open minded, everyone is different and I'm sure things will work out in time

Sameshitdifferentdayagain · 28/12/2023 18:37

I've tried HER and Hinge. Got chatting to a few women but chatting is all people seem to want to do!

I'd love to meet someone in real life but it seems impossible. I've just turned 45 and feel like I'm going to be alone forever :(

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