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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What’s OLD like with women (as a woman)?

36 replies

Caromiss · 04/12/2023 09:02

I’ve recently come out of a long relationship with a man and have realised I’m bisexual - I’d like to start dating women but am scared! Does anyone have experience of OLD as bisexual/lesbian/queer woman? Or other good ways to meet women? I’m in my thirties if that’s relevant.

OP posts:
Sparkshaveflown · 01/01/2024 17:40

In no means do I mean to hijack this thread but.. I have signed up to HER. Amazing thread for others Op. Thank you for posting.

Sparkshaveflown · 01/01/2024 17:44

@Caromiss x

Darhon · 01/01/2024 20:59

InTheOrangery · 06/12/2023 09:56

There is a lot of substance abuse and mental ill health in the gay community in general. Life is generally much harder growing up gay and this takes its toll. Trauma responses, basically.

We all have issues and baggage, but it’s a bit more severe in this community. I have encountered personality disorders and eating disorders of various kinds. Marijuana and alcohol abuse are very common.
There were also loneliness and isolation issues stemming from not very close relationships with family, for obvious reasons.

I generally found the more senior the women were in their careers, the more ruthless and emotionally less developed - they had expended a lot of energy climbing the ladder and emotional intelligence had suffered as a result.
Never having had children meant for less nurturing inclinations.

The women who were not as developed professionally often had home insecurity and debt to deal with, both these things are extremely restricting and stressful and can impact the relationship.

There were surprisingly high number of scammers and sexual predators, women are not inherently more safe.

This is my personal experience. Due to the issues listed above, I’m taking a break at t from dating, online or otherwise.

Edited

As others are coming onto this thread for shared experience, I would note this was not my experience. The U.K. become noticeably more liberal towards homosexual people around 20 years ago, so it’s more common to find people aged 35-40 and under who were out from the off and accepted by their families. And then a swathe of late bloomer women in the community who left long heterosexual relationships and often have kids.

There will be mental health issues but these are prevalent in the general population now.

Where women have been successful, they often have security and houses (lesbians without kids tend to be higher earners than women with kids).

You do need to be strategic though. Five photos up, on a few sites, send a few likes a day. In chats, make sure you comment and then ask a question. If it’s going somewhere, arrange a date in 1-2 weeks. So move it on quickly. Stop chats that don’t go anywhere. Supplementing it with in person meets is probably good. But I dated in the pandemic and also liked the fact that with OLD, people were looking for relationships as their primary reason to be there. In a group, I would be less sure if that but now I’ve been out for a few years, I’d be less worried. Saturdays and Sundays in the mornings were when most people were looking to connect and chat, I found.

Good luck. I’d never dated women before and last dated pre the smart phone, but I had several dates, a fling and then met someone. Took less than a year. I think coming from a relationship can help as you are primed for how to coexist with someone else.

Burntouted · 03/01/2024 00:48

Online, Outdoors, and indoors is where you can find people to date.

Everyone that you date is an individual. You will have an individual experience with each person.

Doesn't matter "gender".

StarlightLady · 03/01/2024 08:50

The responses I’ve read on here have been some of the most helpful I’ve seen on MN 💕.

OP, one thing l would ask though is are you certain about your sexuality? I write this a bi female who discovered my bi side in my 30s, and in the past has been shot down in flames for suggesting that l do not believe any woman is 100% heterosexual.

If you do consider yourself bi rather than lesbian be clear and upfront about this. Some lesbian woman are not interested in dating someone who is bi. That’s their right of course; l think some fear being a curiosity experiment.

Finally, I suggest if you are in a big/town city, take a deep breath and wander into a lesbian friendly bar one day. Meeting people in the real world has its benefits. They can be lovely for meeting new friends and more. If you are further afield, it really is worth doing a few day trips. 🌈

DixonD · 03/01/2024 14:47

StarlightLady · 03/01/2024 08:50

The responses I’ve read on here have been some of the most helpful I’ve seen on MN 💕.

OP, one thing l would ask though is are you certain about your sexuality? I write this a bi female who discovered my bi side in my 30s, and in the past has been shot down in flames for suggesting that l do not believe any woman is 100% heterosexual.

If you do consider yourself bi rather than lesbian be clear and upfront about this. Some lesbian woman are not interested in dating someone who is bi. That’s their right of course; l think some fear being a curiosity experiment.

Finally, I suggest if you are in a big/town city, take a deep breath and wander into a lesbian friendly bar one day. Meeting people in the real world has its benefits. They can be lovely for meeting new friends and more. If you are further afield, it really is worth doing a few day trips. 🌈

I can assure you I’m one woman who is 100% straight. I do not find women attractive at all.

DixonD · 03/01/2024 14:47

Good luck OP 😊

Caromiss · 03/01/2024 16:02

@StarlightLady thanks - I'm not certain about my sexuality tbh. In fact with dating now/in the future I'm only looking for women, so I guess that places me more in the 'lesbian' category, but I was with a man for a long time and very much fancied and loved him before our relationship failed. And only with men before that, apart from a few drunken kisses with girls at school/university.

I've read stuff about sexuality being fluid - so perhaps previously I was bi (but preferred men) and now I'm still bi (but prefer women, I think!). I find terms like 'queer' quite helpful too. But I'm not currently looking for a man, at all, so to what extent that makes me bi I'm not sure... possibly not very!

OP posts:
Caromiss · 03/01/2024 16:03

Thank you @DixonD ! I will try to update the thread if I ever pluck up the courage to get out there...

OP posts:
StarlightLady · 03/01/2024 17:11

OP, l think I’ve said as much as I’m comfortable with on a public forum. But do feel free to drop me a PM if you would like to discuss a little more.

For the record I’m a long term MNetter and not looking for a date.

Kommm · 03/01/2024 20:13

Darhon · 01/01/2024 20:59

As others are coming onto this thread for shared experience, I would note this was not my experience. The U.K. become noticeably more liberal towards homosexual people around 20 years ago, so it’s more common to find people aged 35-40 and under who were out from the off and accepted by their families. And then a swathe of late bloomer women in the community who left long heterosexual relationships and often have kids.

There will be mental health issues but these are prevalent in the general population now.

Where women have been successful, they often have security and houses (lesbians without kids tend to be higher earners than women with kids).

You do need to be strategic though. Five photos up, on a few sites, send a few likes a day. In chats, make sure you comment and then ask a question. If it’s going somewhere, arrange a date in 1-2 weeks. So move it on quickly. Stop chats that don’t go anywhere. Supplementing it with in person meets is probably good. But I dated in the pandemic and also liked the fact that with OLD, people were looking for relationships as their primary reason to be there. In a group, I would be less sure if that but now I’ve been out for a few years, I’d be less worried. Saturdays and Sundays in the mornings were when most people were looking to connect and chat, I found.

Good luck. I’d never dated women before and last dated pre the smart phone, but I had several dates, a fling and then met someone. Took less than a year. I think coming from a relationship can help as you are primed for how to coexist with someone else.

The issues @InTheOrangery was talking about are such they might take months to discover and wouldn’t be apparent during the course of a fling or even the early stages of a relationship.

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