Ending the cycle of abuse and actually leaving

[Cdk92]

Hi lovely people,

i know there is some wonderful advice from some wise people on this site and I feel so grateful I can come here now.

I am really hoping to understand and hear from people who escaped an emotional abuser, and how they found the mental strength to finally say enough is enough. For me, I am pulled back in for two reasons; one, because I feel like I love this person who emotionally abuses me and who shows moments of singing from the same hymn sheet as me, and two, because I know my mum (who I’m close with) sees the best in my abuser, and worries that I may be leaving a man who she feels loves me and who works hard. I see her point, I am sure there are worse men out there, but I’ve never felt so anxious around another person, nor has anyone spoken to me in the ways he does. I am worried how this relationship has impacted my mental health particularly since living together.

Does anyone have any advice? I have noticed I don’t really have a sense of self anymore. I don’t know what is good about myself nor do I really know my own wants and needs.

Thank you for reading!

I would advise you to go while you can. I persisted until I was very unwell and now don't have my children with me as a result.

I think two things helped me to finally leave (although I admit I took my time!). The first was a brilliant therapist and the second was a strong support network of friends.

I dealt with my issues with my mother in therapy before I met my ex so I knew my counsellor understood me and my past already. My mum also supported my ex when he was abusive to me. That betrayal was far more painful than anything he did incidentally

Then I went back to my therapist for about a year to work through the issues in my relationship with my ex. She helped me to see that I couldn't "save" him or change him.

It still took a horrible day where the impact of his abuse on my child became apparent for me to actually phone an estate agent to go and view a flat. Sometimes I think a "last straw" just pushes you over the edge. I suddenly felt a wave of anger and protectiveness come over me and I knew with absolute certainty I was leaving.

In that year I slowly opened up to friends about how bad it was. This was not easy after my mother's reaction but my therapist encouraged me to reach out to them. They were brilliant, very patient and supportive and all rallied round with bits of furniture and items for the new flat.

Getting support from a therapist isn't as easy as it should be. I worked with people in the mental health field and asked them to recommend someone. She had a sliding scale of prices and if you were on low wages you paid less than people earning a lot. I don't know if this is a widespread practice though.

Thank you. Yes I’m wondering when these things will have physical manifestations. My cycle is all over the place since December 2021 and at 33 I now have a patch of grey hairs at the front of my head (although this could just be genetics and life lol). I haven’t become unwell other than mentally. But I do wonder whether I will snap and breakdown one day. I just keep plugging away at it and I do not know why other than fear of the unknown and perhaps not truly believing I’m worthy of better

Thank you and yes, I hear you. I seem to take my time with these things too. Not sure whether that’s a higher tolerance to other people and trying to see the good, or a self worth thing of putting up with things that really we ought not to.

I am finding the support side tricky I think due to my age and where my friends are with their lives. Being in my thirties, I don’t have any friends left without marriages and children of their own. I also don’t like to burden people who seem to be happy whilst I’m in this mess, but perhaps I should give myself a break.

There must be a last straw, I need that lightbulb moment of thinking no, being alone and starting over is absolutely better than this, more freeing, better for my own health mentally and physically. Just when do I get there and KNOW I won’t turn back!

I had a therapist through work who really helped. Outside of work, I think he is £50 an hour. I don’t really know what the going rate is to be honest!!

Appreciate hearing your story and hope you are doing better and are happier? Are you in a better place?

Just as an aside - I do not think you should discuss all this with your Mum. I am a MIL to 3 young men and one DD has in the past tried to discuss her relationship with me - I have said that I am here for her and will support her in every way I can short of discussing her relationship with her OH. I just feel it is wrong on principle and if things work out well for them, as it has, it creates an uncomfortable atmosphere. Of course if it was obvious serious abuse that would be different but it is impossible to get inside another's relationship and I would not dream of giving advice.

My best memory of when I left was feeling like I could finally breathe; I have a very distinct memory of the sheer relief. I had moments where I wobbled after that but I’d just remember that relief and I had a lot of support from friends.
It sounds like your mum needs to educate herself and you probably need a hard conversation with her about how he makes you feel and how she’s making it harder.
It is hard because people are rarely all bad and they have parts of them that you still love but that doesn’t mean you should stay or that it’s good you

I think maybe trust yourself and follow through. You are writing this here so he is not making you happy. Trust that an trust yourself. Make the decision that the relationship is over and maybe write down a note to yourself that whatever happens, however you feel, you will not change your mind. Then do it. Split up. Get your own place. Block contact from him. Do it. No matter what he or anyone else says you stick with your decision.

I did this with my marriage and there were moments where I wondered whether I was doing the right thing but I am not an idiot. If I exploded my marriage by asking my H for a divorce then I had a damned good reason. It may be hard to articulate that reason whilst you are in the full throws of a breakup but I trusted that I must have had a good reason and I stuck to it.. Like a ship heading through a tornado. I chose this bearing when I could see the storm coming but could also see the seas around so the fact that I can now see nothing through the storm shouldn't make me change my bearing.

I was a lot happier after the divorce... took maybe 8 months from when I said "I want to break up" until the sea was flat calm again but it was definitely worth it.
Strangely I split with my boyfriend of 3 years (been divorced 5 now) over a year ago now and that was actually harder. He argued with me, accused me of being unreasonable, made me feel guilty, downplayed his contribution to the break-up and generally messed with my head. Without my approach of "I chose to do this and I am not an idiot" approach I may have caved. I out the other side of the storm now and can of course clearly see why I dumped him and I was right to do so but for about 6 months there it was all a bit foggy!

because I feel like I love this person who emotionally abuses me and who shows moments of singing from the same hymn sheet as me

Those moments are the tactic he uses to keep you in the relationship. As are the behaviours that have you feeling unstable, insecure, confused and the rest.

two, because I know my mum (who I’m close with) sees the best in my abuser, and worries that I may be leaving a man who she feels loves me and who works hard.

Your mum (I assume) doesn't have to live with him though, she isn't subjected to his abuse. Perhaps he turns on the charm for her, to make you seem even more unstable if you react to his behaviour, which is designed to have you doing exactly that.

There must be a last straw

Plan your 'escape' now, calmly and methodically. He may well sense that you are pulling away, he will up the nice side or the abuse. What's your housing situation? Will you need to leave or have him leave? If you can have everything in place and ready, you can decide when the time to end it is, you don't need to wait for a big event, especially as he will have instigated that event for a reaction.

I don't think you'd be unjust in contacting Women's Aid for advice and support in how to end things safely.

There is life after abuse. It takes time to heal but as PP said the relief is palpable. The feeling of contentment in having control of your life is beyond compare

So much happier and healthier now. No more having to walk on eggshells constantly waiting for the next outburst. No more driving home in a panic in case I'm a few minutes late. That stress takes a toll on the body. I feel so much lighter now.

I think if my friend were in a really abusive relationship I would feel honoured that she chose to talk to me about it. Being able to help someone else is a lovely feeling. If any of your friends don't respond in this way I would be questioning the friendship anyway.

If you are a "rescuer" or always try to see the good in people anyway you may have some friends who respond to that and take what is given without returning it. (That was my experience anyway!).So maybe choose a friend who you definitely have a two way relationship with first.

If they are a good therapist then they may well be worth £50 a week. I paid only just less than this. I thought about how much I would pay to fix a major health issue (caused by stress) if NHS couldn't treat it and realised this investment in my health would likely save me money in the long run.

You have to make peace with leaving and be absolutely steadfast and sure. My mother was similar until she saw the way he treated me when I told him I was leaving. Understand that you will be gaslit, and either love bombed or completely bullied. Leave immediately if you can and without advance warning if possible. This wasn't possible for me unfortunately and I am still paying the price mentally from what went on in the few months I had to stay after we had split. It is the best decision I have ever made though.

BarbaraCadabra is right to say start planning now.

Although I did have a lightbulb moment (maybe this thread is yours?) I had started looking at cheaper places to live already, checking how long it took to drive to them and what shops were nearby. I was squirreling away my passport and important photos and asking friends to hang on to items of furniture they were throwing out. I guess one part of my brain knew I was likely going before the other half did.

I know what you mean, it’s not out of any bad intention, more that she doesn’t want to interfere as you said, and I do believe expectations now have changed between generations. I hope I’m not wrong in saying, we put up with less now. But I do have doubts sometimes that are we too much the other way and should sometimes ‘suck it up’ a bit more but I appreciate that this isn’t at all possible for some, and perhaps the answer really is that ANY abuse is unacceptable.

I get strong days and weak days, I’d still say more weak days though. I struggle with the belief of ending up alone and never having a family, and I’m frightened

I’m glad you made the right decision for you and the stories of people getting out are so, so helpful. Also I feel relief that I’m not alone in my circumstances. I would be stuck for a while, I’ve nowhere else to go and we own a house together

Do you know, I can imagine feeling lighter? Like there isn’t something sitting on my chest all the time, and like I don’t constantly have a bubbly stomach. I guess literally that’s what people call a gut feeling??

I would feel this way too and would be only too pleased to help a friend. I don’t really have this kind of support around me as everyone is living their own lives with young children now. So I have to try my best with the support I have, and mums net is so helpful.

as you say, whilst it is a high price, in the perspective of your own health, it is worth it if it’s an option

Here's the thing. You don't HAVE to definitely decide that you're leaving.
You can just say, you're going to stay somewhere else / with someone else for a bit. There are some things you need to think through and you don't seem to be able to do that where you are now.
That sort of thing.

It can be a lot easier to decide, after a bit, that you're not going back, than to decide at the start that you're leaving.

Does that make sense?

Tried counselling and went back to being abusive within a couple of months, left 5 years ago now. Changed jobs, moved houses, took a pay cut but happier than ever.
I emotionally detached before I left and said I was leaving multiple times but I knew I’d end up dead whether that was through depression or him killing me

I see what you’re saying, maybe it’s small steps in that direction to stop the feeling of complete overwhelm, which I definitely have. What’s compounded things a bit is that we are engaged so obviously our nearest and dearest for the most part would assume we are happy, so I kind of feel like a phoney, a bit of a fool, too. I think some small steps could assist and maybe will give me some strength to realise I have the mental resilience to eventually leave. I really hope so anyway, I’m so drained!

Glad to hear you are feeling happier now. Do you feel you’ll trust again? I’m concerned this will make me cynical towards all relationships as I fear I’ll keep attracting this type of person.

Thank you for this advice, this is really digestible and what you’ve said makes a lot of sense. We live together and own the house so that part is a little tricky. I could ask my mum if I could stay with her, it’s just there’s no space for me to work there and I’d have to go back to the office five days a week. That is manageable, it’s more that my work will know something is going on and I just don’t want them to think badly of me. They’re all men so I’m pretty worried they wouldn’t understand so well and perhaps think I’m just stupid for not having already left.

Do you know, I can imagine feeling lighter?

I used to daydream about life without my husband in it and it's so, SO much better than I ever could have imagined. Yes, I have to take the bins out (I always did) but not having that tension is worth any amount of rubbish shifting.

I struggle with the belief of ending up alone and never having a family, and I’m frightened

NEVER stay with an abuser in the hope of having a family. If you think it's bad now ....

so I kind of feel like a phoney

I felt all manner of emotions when I was writing his 25th anniversary card. We'd always put 'all my love' and I still wrote that (so that I didn't have to suffer any consequences) but I felt sick writing it. I actually feel sick thinking about it. Embrace your phoney @Cdk92 until your ducks are lined up.

YOU are the important one here, if your colleagues judge you because they think you've handled being abused badly or you should have stayed and taken it then they can simply fuck off. The people worth bothering about are the ones who support you.

Don't be in too much of a rush, get things in order as much as you can, take all the support you can find and meantime try to act normally in front of your abuser until you are in the position to end the relationship.

Your mum definitely wants what is best for you, you need to trust that you know what that is.

You know Barbara, it is funny you mention the bins as that is an exhausting bone of contention here. He verbally expresses being very 'traditional' i.e. clear roles for men and women, which, evidently, he leaves to me and, if he does take the bins out once a week, I end up feeling anxious over what mood this will create as I believe he thinks I ought to be there assisting him and thanking him for ANYTHING he does, which I believe in a healthy partnership would just be a given. He has an endless need for praise for anything he does at home. I can't imagine right now how it would feel to go into work not fighting back tears from what has happened the night before and the lack of sleep due to anxiety. To not have a physical tremor in my body when I think about things to do with the relationship. To want to eat food because I am in a comfortable and happy place. To just not be constantly apprehending what is next and what can I be blamed for.

I know I couldn't put an innocent child through this. I am just lacking purpose right now, and I so dearly want to be loved and to love. I pray this happens for me and that 33 is young enough, that there are good men out there.

Thank you for saying this. Inauthenticity is something I find so draining. People are so happy for us being engaged. I don't know whether to feel grateful that they are, or sad about that right now.

I think I would have a healthy ish deposit for a new place so for this I am very grateful. I guess I just feel sad about being alone. I need to work on this, I am like a lost soul right now.

Would you mind if I ask you about your experiences?

Run now before you have kids, these type of men never make good fathers, the audacity to ask for praise to put the bins out, what century does he live in?? Mums don't always know best, just because he works hard or provides or whatever doesn't make him a good match. Listen to your gut OP. Good luck x

I had a mental breakdown, therapy and an exit affair (in that order). Not too sure I would recommend it to anyone but oh well, you do what you need to do.