Ending the cycle of abuse and actually leaving

[Cdk92]

Hi lovely people,

i know there is some wonderful advice from some wise people on this site and I feel so grateful I can come here now.

I am really hoping to understand and hear from people who escaped an emotional abuser, and how they found the mental strength to finally say enough is enough. For me, I am pulled back in for two reasons; one, because I feel like I love this person who emotionally abuses me and who shows moments of singing from the same hymn sheet as me, and two, because I know my mum (who I’m close with) sees the best in my abuser, and worries that I may be leaving a man who she feels loves me and who works hard. I see her point, I am sure there are worse men out there, but I’ve never felt so anxious around another person, nor has anyone spoken to me in the ways he does. I am worried how this relationship has impacted my mental health particularly since living together.

Does anyone have any advice? I have noticed I don’t really have a sense of self anymore. I don’t know what is good about myself nor do I really know my own wants and needs.

Thank you for reading!

Thank you - evidently all of these traditional values he supposedly has, yet I work a career full time and pick up all the slack at home because he's out at work longer. Honestly, it is his world, I am just existing in it.

Exactly that. I am learning that life really does not necessarily fit the 'plans' many of us hope to make. But I also do not want to become bitter, I want to believe there are amazing opportunities out there.

Don't stay there until it's too late to have a family yourself!

Can you use that as motivation? The sooner you leave the sooner you can start to mend & living a happy life with a fresh start?

Have you spoken to any organisations like Womansaid? They may be able to support you while you summon the strength to leave.

Have you had any legal advice yet? I went to a CAB drop-in session and they put me in touch with some good solicitors. The first 30 minutes with each was free so I had a good idea of what I was entitled to from the house we jointly owned before I moved out.

My ex also wanted praise for the most mundane things. I think deep down he was deeply insecure and the controlling behaviour is how he tried to fill that gap in his self-esteem. Tried to give him "more praise", made no difference, neither did the next 10 things I tried. The penny slowly dropped - "I am not able to help him, he will never change and trying to work out why he does what he does is pointless".

I stayed single for a year after I left and then dated for a bit. Met a really nice guy. Ultimately I decided we weren't compatible and have decided to enjoy being single a bit longer but there are loads of positive stories on here of people meeting good guys after an abusive relationship.

Now I can eat what I want, see who I want, go where I want, watch what I want. The freedom almost makes you giddy at first!

Interestingly a lot of my friends who I thought were in happy relationships confessed that they too were utterly miserable when I told them about my situation. As though once I told the truth, they could tell me the truth. One told me about her husband's recent affair and asked me about house prices where I moved to (as she was ready to leave him) the day before posting a "throwback" photo to their wedding day on Facebook with the caption "more in love than ever"!

I also work with mostly men now and if I ever speak about my relationship they have been very understanding and almost protective. My boss recently told me he was amazed at how strong I had been to get through it. Turns out one or two of them have been in abusive relationships too (which I was not expecting to hear at all).

What is it about being alone that feels so awful? When I left my abusive ex the sense of freedom and calm was amazing. Good luck

It took me a long time to leave my abusive ex. Even when I left, I didn't want to but I just knew I had to and despite feeling dreadful, constantly anxious and like I wanted to go back to him, I knew I had to keep going. Nearly a year later, I'm still broken by it all but I still know I had to leave. It was death by a thousand cuts but ultimately, it was spending time with another couple last Christmas where the man was kind and affectionate to his partner that made me finally decide I had to go. Please don't waste your precious time with an abusive man. Your mental health will be destroyed and the longer you stay, the worse it will get. You don't need a final light bulb moment to decide to go.

Ended the marriage a year ago. So much happier.

My mum also sided with him and undermined my decision and I’ve only recently connected that the prep work for the married to an EA narcissist was having a narcissist mother. Literally her first response when I said I was leaving him was “I suppose you think I should have left dad” (actually I think Dad should have left her 😂) and then when I said I was going to therapy and finding it really helpful: “I suppose you told her all about your terrible childhood”.

Just go as LC with your mother as is possible to do.

Your friends will be more supportive than you thought possible.

If you don’t have kids - amazing - you never have to see him again.

Walk away and don’t look back.

I still have to have contact with my exH as we have 2 kids - in fact I am just heading off now to an appointment with a child therapist bc our DS9 has been so traumatised by his behaviour during the marriage and the split. Don’t be me.

OP
Im 50 and left it much, much too long.
Like you I was waiting for the last straw, but here's the thing. He's destroyed your confidence and self esteem so that you have no last straw and no boundaries. There will be no last straw, just 1000's of cuts until there's nothing left.
Please read Lundy Bancroft why does he do that and the freedom program from women's age.
Turning on the charm is absolutely part of the abuse

Sending you strength OP, and I'll say again leave
Before you are 50, and too old to start again

I am just lacking purpose right now, and I so dearly want to be loved and to love.

Your purpose is you.

I thought I was reasonably happy, apart from the bad times, but it wasn't until we were apart that I could see just how much of a weight I'd been carrying. After a while, like day breaking, my head started to clear, my body straightened up, people told me I was looking well, I started to feel proper happiness, the utter joy in being my own person. I had never felt as happy as I do now. I'd never understood 'you've got to love/find yourself', thinking it was a lot of hippy dippy mumbo jumbo but I think that's where I am now. It has just happened, ridding myself of my ex and all his hoarded rubbish, therapy to deal with some of his abuse and making my home my own. I know who I am now, I'm content with my very simple life.

Perhaps when you've started to recover from the trauma this 'man' is putting you through, you will find that love ... for yourself ... that's when you'll stop looking and it will happen if it's meant to

As pp have said my lovely, read this

Thank you :) It is a really sensible answer, and I know if I were trying to help someone else, I'd be saying they themselves should be motivation enough, that you get one life and it is precious. I think I just feel so skewed in terms of my thoughts and confidence, like it is so low now that it keeps me stuck for fear of my future. Like a whispering voice saying that all men are like this and that I'll end up bitter and alone. I know the answer is probably that I should be secure enough to know that I'd be OK even if I were single forever, but something in my mind gives me great discomfort about this. I know that is probably on me, but it isn't something I've managed to resolve so far. If I am honest, I also worry about finances, and the fact that I don't really have friends to reach out to in a similar position. I am worried I'd feel very isolated.

Hi Liz, I haven't yet. We have an EAP at work and I think often they can give you this kind of advice. I guess I am still in limbo, still overwhelmed and still feeling like I am 'picking my poison'. I guess it feels like staying is shattering me emotionally, but leaving really panics me too, even though I think it opens up opportunity.

The penny slowly dropping makes a lot of sense and it is where I am. He even said himself, I'm not the person for you, I make you feel so bad, you just don't pull the trigger (leave) and he's right. I'm like this in relationships, maybe I do not value myself enough to leave when things are bad. I wish I knew.

What age are you if you don't mind me asking? Did you have any worries about living alone? I know I am probably weak, but the thought scares me a bit. I'd definitely want to get a dog!!

Do you think most marriages are unhappy? I must admit, I do not know many happy ones, or at least, the happy ones are 'happy enough'?

Honestly, did you ever have it where you went into work fighting back the tears? I've had this so often recently. I am normally pretty bubbly but when I feel this way, I cannot completely hide it. I never actually cry, I just have to sit quietly, but I do struggle at work because I can't just switch off my mind to what is going on in my life. It feels overwhelming, and huge!! But maybe that is just because I am in it. Maybe this stuff happens all the time!!

Hey, thanks for asking. Interesting question. It is hard to say, sometimes I think I'd feel like there was a big void in my life and it petrifies me. You know going home to an empty house, no one to call when things happen in life. If I'm honest with myself, I don't really have hobbies anymore, or friends who aren't married/starting a family/both. I think I'd be really down. I hope it isn't insensitive to anyone actively wanting to escape terrible abuse, it is just the alternative is also scary for me as I feel I'm walking into a different kind of depression. I have a call with a GP this afternoon, perhaps medication could help me during this time.

Ohh, sorry to hear you're still feeling down. You are courageous for taking action in my mind. My mailbox is always open if you want someone to talk to. It doesn't always feel cut and dry to me as my partner is very affectionate. Things are good when life is good. It is when times are hard and stressful for him, that things get bad between us. Everything is loaded onto me, and if I bring it up he says I am tit for tat, want everything equal (!?) and has also told me I am too much of a feminist amongst other things. Part of me thinks this shows his mental age, but part of me looks around and thinks maybe I expect too much, as how many women do you know with partners who leave everything to them??

Thanks for responding :)

Glad to hear you are doing better! And good for you for taking control of your life!!

I wonder if in some ways, our mum's actually aren't the best source of advice for these kind of things? My trouble is, I don't really have anyone else who I can just pick up the phone to. My mum definitely means well, but I think she thinks I go looking for reasons to be unhappy, maybe she thinks I self sabotage. There's also a sentiment of 'your dad was like this but in my day we just accepted it, many men are like this'. I feel bad for her, she is bearing the brunt of my emotions during all this, which go round in a circle. I hope that is normal.

It must be so hard at times with kids who are affected by these situations. Life can be cruel. I have a friend going through a similar situation with her children. I hope time is a healer for you and your kids. I read recently something along the lines of don't just think about who you're marrying, but who you might end up divorcing. I hope he isn't too difficult to deal with!!

Hiya, thank you for replying!

Oh this, this, this! You're so right, I think that does explain why I haven't snapped. I need to find a way to build on my self esteem and confidence in a way that works! I'd rather avoid them but I wonder if medication may assist me to feel more confident and less anxious???

I will definitely have a look, I am sure I downloaded 'Why does he do that' so I will try to get stuck in.

Thank you, I need to start grabbing and taking control of my own life. I think in my mind I am still a frightened little girl, but I am a 33 year old woman!

Oh thank you! I didn't realise you could read it for free, so that is great :)

My ex was literally the dream man. Tall, dark and handsome, funny, generous, good in bed, charming, wealthy, good company, no weird hobbies....but he was also a deeply abusive guy behind closed doors and I'm pretty certain a narcissist and possibly even a psychopath. I used to tie myself up in knots, thinking it must be me, trying to make myself perfect, scared to breath the wrong way, he was lovely and a real catch, maybe I wanted and expected too much.....All I can say is don't do it to yourself. The fall out is awful. Get out before you are permanently damaged.

Oh and don't for goodness sake medicate yourself in order to cope with an abusive man. Surely the fact that you're even considering this must tell you something.

Honestly it’s got me thinking is some of this me. He told me today I’m shattering his confidence because I’ve told him he’s abusive, things are all about him etc etc. and then I doubt myself and think maybe I am looking for all of these things and maybe I’m too tightly wound, that maybe if I was less anxious I wouldn’t feel those ways. I am bad with handling my emotions so I don’t rule it out.

I'm mid 40's, left when I was 41.

I was terrified at the idea of moving out and living alone to start with. But I just took one step at a time, one day at a time and I surprised myself that I was able to cope with each issue that came along. Friends and family came round more, I started new hobbies and now I feel relief when I have an evening to myself on the sofa!

I used to cry a lot at work (in the toilets obviously) when I was still with him. Even when I knew it wasn't my fault just the thought that he was angry with me made me cry and shake and I couldn't concentrate on my tasks. Not any more. The whole experience has made me a stronger person.

It sounds like he is manipulating you again by claiming you are hurting him by stating he is abusive. I would stop giving him opportunities to do this if you can. Have you researched the "grey rock" or "yellow rock" methods of communication. Worth a Google. I think it is the best way to communicate with an abusive person when you are unable to go completely no contact.

'your dad was like this but in my day we just accepted it, many men are like this'

This was why I had 30 years with my abuser - I didn't know what a healthy marriage looked like. I don't blame my mum, her parents were exactly the same, but understanding why we accepted and normalised that behaviour from our husbands has helped me to heal.

He told me today I’m shattering his confidence because I’ve told him he’s abusive

His accusations are admissions.

I agree with @NoMumLeftBehindLiz , it's best not to speak to him about his behaviour and grey rock is the way forward until you can get out. Do whatever you need to do to keep yourself safe. Keep walking on those eggshells for now, he may well escalate.

Please consider calling Women's Aid, you are who they are there for