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Original poster

I fancy my neighbour.. help!

73 replies

user1234forprivacymnhq · 03/12/2023 23:51

Oh gosh.. where do I start? I’ve always found my neighbour attractive and intrigued by him for the last year or so.. we’ve only ever said hello and had brief convo nothing exciting.

anyway, as of 2 weeks ago we started messaging on insta. I messaged him first (innocently, kinda) just about something neighbourly. He was quite chatty.. long and short is we’ve been messaging every day since! For the first week just normal chat.. then it started getting a little flirty.. the odd comment. Now it’s full blown flirting and talk about hooking up.. your place or mine sort of thing.
I can see how this can go TERRIBLY bad but gosh it’s hot.. I’ve never done the whole ‘one night stand business’ I came out of a long term relationship 2 years ago and want to date and also have a bit of me time and fun.. not be a sleep around at all as I never have but this seems exciting.. do I entertain it? Could it become something? I don’t remember who actually became flirty first.. it’s just kinda happened…

but I did make a comment like ‘maybe you should take me out first hey’ which got ignored but the other half of me is like hmmm maybe f**k it and have a bit of fun for once in your life who knows?!

where do I start with a casual hook up? Do you just go in and go straight to it? Surely not right? Gosh I’m clueless..

I definitely find him attractive and exciting. Whether it’s more than that atm I don’t know! Time will well?! Ahh..

OP posts:
MsDogLady · 04/12/2023 04:15

@Oliviaaaaaaaa, you won’t be doing yourself any favors by being this neighbor’s booty-call.

isthismylifenow · 04/12/2023 04:26

I'd give him a wide berth. Unless all you want is sex, as that is quite clear that is what he is after.

Have you thought about if things get awkward. It's not like you can avoid him too much if it does.

If you really want to continue this path, reply back and say you would rather meet in person somewhere public for a drink/coffee/quick bite. If he ignores that again, his intentions can't be any more clear.

Mummyoflittledragon · 04/12/2023 04:57

I’ve had a few ons. If the sex wasn’t that good or I found something about them irritating, I was fine with it being a one off. With the two I did like, I wasn’t devastated when the guy didn’t want more, just a bit sad. But I didn’t live on the same street. In hindsight, I can see from their character on wasn’t for me, and the other was actually in a relationship. What it taught me is not to sleep with someone I really like on the first meeting. Reserve that for a ons.

So what do you want from this?

sadsas · 04/12/2023 08:45

No

  1. He is too close to home which will make it awkward
  2. You're the one who initiated online contact
  3. He's not been flirty in person
  4. He's ignored your suggestion to go out
  5. You've had a crush on him for ages, you will catch feelings. He is only after casual sex
  6. His behaviour suggests promiscuity and a high chance of having STIs

Signs of a good lover:

  1. They listen to you and pay attention to what you say
  2. They make you feel wanted and desired, chase you
  3. They make you feel special
  4. They make effort
  5. They anticipate your needs and can want to make you feel comfortable, they can see things from your view, sensitive and aware to your feelings and needs

All he is right now is a selfish fuckboy who is too cheap to take you out. He didn't even chase you or make effort to connect with you. He doesn't fancy you as much as you fancy him. You'll end up hurt and a hermit too scared to leave your house.

flowerchild2000 · 04/12/2023 08:48

If you're both of age and consenting it's not wrong. And it can go however you want, there's no rule book. Just bring a condom!

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 08:50

I’m not sure op. Because I’m not sure you want just sex. Genuinely how will you feel if you meet, have sex, and that’s it, game over.

the man is acting like that’s all it is. He isn’t professing in any way he wants to spend time with you, getting to know you, or any romantic intentions. He thinks you’re just up for a shag.

its fine if you are. But if you’re secretly hoping for more, then I’d not go there. You effectively asked him out on a date and he declined. That tells you how tnis will end.

he thinks he will get sex from his neighbour any time he pleases, and doesn’t have to get involved with yoh past that. Think carefully if you want this.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/12/2023 08:57

You: maybe you should take me out all night…

Him: no, but I'll come round and have sex with you

It tells you everything.

gannett · 04/12/2023 09:10

MsDogLady · 04/12/2023 04:15

@Oliviaaaaaaaa, you won’t be doing yourself any favors by being this neighbor’s booty-call.

Maybe she just wants him to be her booty call.

MorningHood · 04/12/2023 09:17

He’s made it clear all he wants from you is sex.

If you have even a small % if you thinking that it might turn into more then you should not sleep with him.

The ‘hot today’ would quickly turn into major ‘cringe tomorrow‘ and imagine having to think every time you leave/arrive at your front door you might have to see him (with his actual girlfriend) etc.

If all you want is sex and you’re potentially moving soon, then that’s a different matter!

But almost all meaningful relationships do not start with a quick shag.

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 09:29

If you just wanted sex and he lived at a distance, fine, obviously. But you’ve suggested going out, he’s ignored it and focused on expecting to have sex without having to go more than ten steps, plus he’s a keyboard flirt who’s barely spoken to you in person? Ugh.

You can do better, whether it’s for a FWB situation or a possible relationship.

Eyesopenwideawake · 04/12/2023 09:31

Oh, go and fuck his brains out. You'll feel marvellous!!!

Doubleespresso33 · 04/12/2023 09:36

Eyesopenwideawake · 04/12/2023 09:31

Oh, go and fuck his brains out. You'll feel marvellous!!!

This ^

people like to take the fun out of everything on here. Go and have fun, knowing he only wants a quick shag and enjoy it 🤷‍♀️ anything else is a bonus. Keep it casual. Don’t cook for him, don’t buy him stuff just Netflix & chill… or Amazon prime and sexy time 🤷‍♀️ either way

GOODCAT · 04/12/2023 09:42

I married my neighbour and we dated in the usual way. No way would I just have a hook up with someone I would otherwise have to move away from to avoid.

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 09:42

Doubleespresso33 · 04/12/2023 09:36

This ^

people like to take the fun out of everything on here. Go and have fun, knowing he only wants a quick shag and enjoy it 🤷‍♀️ anything else is a bonus. Keep it casual. Don’t cook for him, don’t buy him stuff just Netflix & chill… or Amazon prime and sexy time 🤷‍♀️ either way

Show quote history

Well, supposing he’s a dreadful shag? His flirtation technique doesn’t suggest any great level of responsiveness or imagination…

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 09:47

Eyesopenwideawake · 04/12/2023 09:31

Oh, go and fuck his brains out. You'll feel marvellous!!!

Are you a man? There is a whole lot of nuance missing here, it’s purely focused on th4 physical act. Th4 nuance is will she be happy with just sex. Will she want a relationship, will she feel upset if he continues this and makes it clear it’s just sex when he feels. If the answer is yes she will feel upset she will feel far from marvellous.

takemeoutonight · 04/12/2023 09:49

My husband was my neighbour when we were first together so I feel qualified to answer accurately. We were never one night stand level as started out with dates.
In our case we found out we were pregnant very early on (and yes we were using contraception) He was thankfully delighted and so was I, 15 years on we are married with two children and one on the way and still very much head over heels in love.

I'm not convinced that's what would happen here though. I think it sounds like you're not sure yourself OP and therefore it's unlikely you'll feel marvellous at all, more likely you'll just feel more confused and a bit sad once the excitement is over. I would also say think ahead since he is your neighbour. How will that be with you seeing each other frequently in day to day life if it is just a one night stand? And if you too had a surprise pregnancy? How would that go in real terms? I know it's not fun to look at the less exciting parts of these things but it is important. Tread carefully, know what you want and know where you value yourself before you make any big decisions.

sadsas · 04/12/2023 10:18

Yeah just cos he's hot doesn't mean he will be good in bed, a good shagger listens and makes it obvious he fancies you, pursues you, tries to impress you, this guy is sitting back and offering you scraps he's gonna lay back and starfish expecting you to be grateful that you get the privilege of licking his balls.

Imagine if he were chatting to a woman he really fancied and saw her of his league or higher he wouldn't speak to her like this. He thinks you'll be grateful and he has no better offer, he will take easy sex as you're good enough for casual sex round his house to him. He doesn't even need to put shoes on, you're doing all the running probably because he knows he is better looking.

Clydagh · 04/12/2023 10:20

sadsas · 04/12/2023 10:18

Yeah just cos he's hot doesn't mean he will be good in bed, a good shagger listens and makes it obvious he fancies you, pursues you, tries to impress you, this guy is sitting back and offering you scraps he's gonna lay back and starfish expecting you to be grateful that you get the privilege of licking his balls.

Imagine if he were chatting to a woman he really fancied and saw her of his league or higher he wouldn't speak to her like this. He thinks you'll be grateful and he has no better offer, he will take easy sex as you're good enough for casual sex round his house to him. He doesn't even need to put shoes on, you're doing all the running probably because he knows he is better looking.

Edited

Yes, exactly. You can usually get a pretty good idea of what someone is likely to be like in bed from talking to him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/12/2023 10:25

I think you need to explore where this 'I don't do hook ups' thing is coming from.

Is it

  • I haven't done it before so it feels a bit odd
  • I have internalized slut shaming and I don't want to be 'a slag' will going over there having a flirt and seeing where it leads make me 'a slag'
  • I only feel happy having sex when I have an emotional connection and I'm in a safe relationship and would feel used otherwise

I've got a feeling it might be the middle one. Your post feels like you're so intrigued and want to go over and see what happens but you're scared of being 'a slut' or him thinking 'you're easy'

Also just to remind you that you absolutely can meet up at one of your houses flirt maybe even have a kiss without having sex - but if you do want a bit of no strings let's go with the flow fun that's ok too

Janieforever · 04/12/2023 10:25

The op clearly wants more. He sees her as she’s willing to invite him round to have sex and just that. He wasn’t even polite enough to answer the date question. The non answer is a loud he doesn’t wish to date her.

it’s all fine, if she is happy with just being an occasional fuck when he’s free and fancies it, but if she’s going to want more, be hurt if she doesn’t get it, or she sees him with other women, then she needs to stop. If she will be ok with that and not give a shit, then she should crack on.

but offering easy sex to a single man, heck many married,or in relationships , no dates required, just next door, then there are few who will say no.

im just not convinced that’s what she really wants. And it’s very rare they will start off on this foot, let’s fuck, and then he will suddenly fall for her and want to date her. It will always stay on this footing, Sure he will spend some time before or after chatting. But that’s it. And it’s likely she will feel crap and want more.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 04/12/2023 10:28

sadsas · 04/12/2023 08:45

No

  1. He is too close to home which will make it awkward
  2. You're the one who initiated online contact
  3. He's not been flirty in person
  4. He's ignored your suggestion to go out
  5. You've had a crush on him for ages, you will catch feelings. He is only after casual sex
  6. His behaviour suggests promiscuity and a high chance of having STIs

Signs of a good lover:

  1. They listen to you and pay attention to what you say
  2. They make you feel wanted and desired, chase you
  3. They make you feel special
  4. They make effort
  5. They anticipate your needs and can want to make you feel comfortable, they can see things from your view, sensitive and aware to your feelings and needs

All he is right now is a selfish fuckboy who is too cheap to take you out. He didn't even chase you or make effort to connect with you. He doesn't fancy you as much as you fancy him. You'll end up hurt and a hermit too scared to leave your house.

Edited

This is good advice

WildflowersInAMasonJar · 04/12/2023 10:32

Oh, go and fuck his brains out. You'll feel marvellous!!!

I doubt it, he sounds like a nobhead.

seagull82 · 04/12/2023 10:36

I'd have a real think about what you want.. he might be wanting sex only, that's fine as long as you feel the same. In my experience a FWB only works if you both have no expectations.. literally sex and then they go home. If you can deal with that setup then go for it.

Bales23 · 04/12/2023 10:42

LaurieStrode · 04/12/2023 00:09

So he ignored suggestions to take you out, but wants a night in at your place or his?? On bare acquaintance?

What a prince. 🙄

This! Surely, even ONS would be funner if the person atleast pretended he cared about communication and knowing a bit of you. Rather than just sex?

Bales23 · 04/12/2023 10:46

sadsas · 04/12/2023 08:45

No

  1. He is too close to home which will make it awkward
  2. You're the one who initiated online contact
  3. He's not been flirty in person
  4. He's ignored your suggestion to go out
  5. You've had a crush on him for ages, you will catch feelings. He is only after casual sex
  6. His behaviour suggests promiscuity and a high chance of having STIs

Signs of a good lover:

  1. They listen to you and pay attention to what you say
  2. They make you feel wanted and desired, chase you
  3. They make you feel special
  4. They make effort
  5. They anticipate your needs and can want to make you feel comfortable, they can see things from your view, sensitive and aware to your feelings and needs

All he is right now is a selfish fuckboy who is too cheap to take you out. He didn't even chase you or make effort to connect with you. He doesn't fancy you as much as you fancy him. You'll end up hurt and a hermit too scared to leave your house.

Edited

Thankbyou!! This is a good checklist. The OP may not use it, but I will. 😄