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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I know I need to leave DH

31 replies

hayu19 · 03/12/2023 21:18

Been with dh almost 8 years, he's 16 years older than me (met when I was 20) we are married and have 2 sons aged 1 and 6. I've posted previously about how he controls the finances and I have no idea what goes in or comes out.

Now recently he has smacked our eldest. When I confronted him he said he's just messing about. He is a 20 stone man and our son is 6yo. I had a chat with my son today and he said he doesn't like it when daddy hits him but he only does it when I don't listen. It broke My heart. I'm terrified to leave but I know It's what I need to do.

OP posts:
zebracookie · 03/12/2023 21:20

This reply has been deleted

Hi all - we're afraid that we don't believe the OP is genuine. We've removed their threads and posts.

sprigatito · 03/12/2023 21:21

What a massive arsehole. Any adult who thinks it's okay to hit a child is worthless. You do need to get rid of him.

Original poster
hayu19 · 03/12/2023 21:23

Thank you for your replies, I question myself all of the time and wonder if I'm making the right decision as he is so manipulative. I will ring womens aid tomorrow and go from there.

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 03/12/2023 21:39

I know what it's like to be hit by your father. You never forget the shock and pain of the physical hits, nor the angry words that were heard used this bully. Do better with your children than my mother did for me. 🌹

Lesina · 03/12/2023 22:20

Leave. Pick up your children and leave as quickly as possible. Just go.

Original poster
hayu19 · 05/12/2023 14:18

I am now receiving support from womens aid and am preparing to move into a refuge with ds6 and ds1. Does anyone know what will happen with contact with my soon to be exDH? He will want 50/50 custody, however there is the issue of the smacking and also I am moving an hour away from where we live so I have some family support.

I know he will apply to court for access (he has the money to do this). Does anyone know what they are likely to grant him contact wise?

I'm so scared somehow he will throw money at this and my children will be taken from me.

OP posts:
Imperfectp3rf3ction · 05/12/2023 15:00

Physical violence is likely to be supervised initially you need to plan your moves beforehand though. I.e demonstrate you are safeguarding them ( no overnights in his alone or even at his house tbf ) show you are encouraging a relationship with them but in public places.

OhComeOnFFS · 05/12/2023 15:01

You were so scared of him hurting your child that you got women's aid to help you leave. He has hit your child, who is old enough to talk about this. There's no way he'd get 50:50 custody.

jsku · 05/12/2023 15:12

Its great you are making preparations ti move.
In addition to contacting Women’s aid - have you reported to Social services?
Once you are out of the house - you need to do that. It’ll start the process and protect your children in the future.
He is unlikely to get 50/50 - but will certainly, eventually get contact with the kids.

You will also need to start divorce proceedings once you are out. You are entitled to at least half of the assets - so use any help you can get from legal aid to fight for what’s rightfully yours. You’ll need it in order to raise your kids.

good luck!

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2023 15:16

I would report the abuse to Social Services as soon as possible.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 15:42

Aquamarine1029 · 05/12/2023 15:16

I would report the abuse to Social Services as soon as possible.

Good point

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 05/12/2023 15:44

Did Women Aid give you any pointers around that @hayu19 ?
Im thinking it might be worth asking them. Just now, if you are in a refuge because if his violence, I don’t think he has any ground for visiting just now.

Also I’d contact a good lawyer asap. Again WA will be able to provide a list of lawyers who know how to deal with cases like this.

Seaoftroubles · 05/12/2023 20:25

Well done for being brave enough to leave with your children OP. As pps have said report the abuse to Social Services and seek guidance from WA, they will advise you on how to proceed
Wishing you well and a happier future.

billy1966 · 06/12/2023 09:19

Well done for being so brave and putting your childs safety first.

Your poor little boy being assaulted by such a huge man.

Well done for moving close to your family.

Tell everyone the truth, you left him to protect your children.

Start divorce proceedings asap.

Tell the truth about how controlling he is, make a clear list.

List how controlling he is with money, and every other little way that you feel controlled.

Definitely report his abuse of your child to SS and that you have left the home for that and other reasons.

Read up on Coercive Control.
It is a crime.
See if it seems familiar to you.

We are here for you.

Channellingsophistication · 10/12/2023 08:43

You are a brave good mum and putting your children first - you wont loose them you are protecting them!

How are you doing? I hope you are getting some good support?

Original poster
hayu19 · 16/12/2023 21:46

Sorry it's been a while, as you can imagine it has been non stop with everything that has gone on.

So we are still in refuge, receiving support. I gave all information and evidence I personally had to the police and social services. Following this they decided to arrest my ex H. He is now out on bail.

My children had to have a child protection medical assessment at the hospital and after seeing certain bruises and marks decided to photograph them as evidence. The DCs have bee placed on the CPR. Ss have been amazing and really supportive, keeping telling me I've done the right thing. Right now he is not allowed to contact me and is not allowed to have contact with DC'ss social services are recommending supervised contact in a contact centre.

I'm now just waiting to see what happens next

OP posts:
Original poster
hayu19 · 16/12/2023 21:53

Also thank you so much for all of the support, it really does make such a big difference. I do know the police will be interviewing Ds soon. I have a feeling this will end up going to court for the assault towards a child . Will update the process on here as much as I can.

OP posts:
NewmummyJ · 16/12/2023 21:57

Well done, you are so brave for leaving, you are doing the absolute best thing for your children, safeguarding them.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 16/12/2023 21:59

@hayu19 its fantastic you are now receiving the help you need. Hopefully this will protect you and dc and will allow you both to rebuild your life away from him.

you’re a strong woman.

Original poster
hayu19 · 16/12/2023 22:00

I've also been told that I'm eligible for legal aid due to the abuse so that will make things much easier.

I know he will want to put in for a contact order but I definitely don't think they will agree for him to have unsupervised contact in the near future so feel positive about that

OP posts:
Original poster
hayu19 · 16/12/2023 22:10

Don't get me wrong, having to leave your home and move into refuge is a scary feeling but then a huge relief as once your there you feel safe. My support is lovely and I have to say they social services have also been brilliant. If anyone comes across this thread and is thinking of leaving please do because there is help out there

OP posts:
Wineisnottheanswer · 16/12/2023 22:14

A massive well done from me

GammonAndEggs · 16/12/2023 22:38

Bloody hell, you’re BRILLIANT.

Sunshinealways8 · 04/01/2024 23:21

I think you are exceptionally brave. As one who has been there, done that and got out the other side a long time ago, I can tell you that your kids will thank you for this. What I would say is don’t give your ex anymore headspace than is absolutely necessary and put everything you have into your children and yourself. What you will get out of it will be so special in the end you will be glad you did. Your ex clearly has his own issues to deal with and he should have dealt with these before meeting you instead of taking it out on them. I really hope he gets help for the kids sakes.Thankfully they are still young enough and there’s still plenty of time for wonderful memories ahead to wipe out these crap ones . Good luck in everything you do. 🙏x

Furbaby2 · 04/01/2024 23:49

I was caned by my dad for going out in my slippers .,Mum sent me out to help my brother . Its ingrained in my mind since 1969 . He was an abusive person who I came to hate

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