First Christmas post separation. This is hard!

Stargazer46 · 2023-12-03T19:16:46+00:00

So I split up from my husband of 22 years 7 months ago and am finding the whole Christmas thing really tough. I’d never realised before how early the run up to Christmas starts! Christmas Day my ex will actually be at mine because I didn’t think him spending the day on his own would be good for him or our sons (they’re 14 & 18) I can’t say I’m looking forward to it and just want to wake up and be in 2024 with none of the Christmas / New Years stress in the middle.

Letsdocoffee · 03/12/2023 19:33

It’s my first one too, separated the same time as you OP. I find Christmas an emotional time anyway for some reason so I’m dreading it to be honest. We don’t have any children, il be with my family and I don’t know his plans, I haven’t asked because I find it too painful and I think it would be an emotional can of worms. He desperately doesn’t want the split, but he had an affair that I just can’t move past. Im being picky with what I do and don’t do this festive season. If it’s a situation I know might trigger me to feel more sad or emotional then il politely decline. But I’m with you, I’d like to just wake up in 2024. Sending hugs, it’s so tough xx

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 03/12/2023 19:45

My ex didn’t want the split either. In my case it was his debt and lies about it that I couldn’t deal with. I’m torn between wanting to go to every single thing I can find and just pushing through that way and doing what you’re doing. I’m just looking at getting through this year. We’ve made it this far, we can do this! xx

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 03/12/2023 19:52

Don't let him come first thing in the morning. Tell him what time he's welcome from.

Mine was different as he had the affair and a happy home for him and his gf

He cba to ring them. I actually text him to tell him to ring them.

He's still useless. But don't be bullied into this again. The kids will adjust after this next year.

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 03/12/2023 21:25

forrestgreen · 03/12/2023 19:52

Don't let him come first thing in the morning. Tell him what time he's welcome from.

Mine was different as he had the affair and a happy home for him and his gf

He cba to ring them. I actually text him to tell him to ring them.

He's still useless. But don't be bullied into this again. The kids will adjust after this next year.

Good idea thank you. Boundaries have got me through the toughest bits but for some reason I hadn’t thought to put any in place for Christmas Day. I suspect he’ll get drunk and maudlin / aggressive so that’ll be fun. I’m sorry your ex is useless. It just makes it so much harder.

OP posts:

forrestgreen · 04/12/2023 11:21

Mine are adults now so there's no contact. So that's easier!!

Tell him
Hi ex the kids wondered if you wanted to join us for Christmas dinner. I don't want things to become awkward and spoil the day for the children. So I think it's best to limit things. So you're welcome to arrive from 2pm dinner is served at 3pm. You're welcome to stay for a coffee after but I need you to leave after that.

Don't serve any alcohol. If he brings it, say thanks and hide it. If he asks where it is 'it's Christmas dinner, we're not drinking, we're chatting'

And don't be afraid to say, you've overstayed your welcome, I won't be inviting you again, I need you to get up and leave now.
If he won't
Say 'this is completely up to you, I've asked you to leave now, you're refusing, so I'll ring neighbour/friend/police etc'

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 04/12/2023 19:35

forrestgreen · 04/12/2023 11:21

Mine are adults now so there's no contact. So that's easier!!

Tell him
Hi ex the kids wondered if you wanted to join us for Christmas dinner. I don't want things to become awkward and spoil the day for the children. So I think it's best to limit things. So you're welcome to arrive from 2pm dinner is served at 3pm. You're welcome to stay for a coffee after but I need you to leave after that.

Don't serve any alcohol. If he brings it, say thanks and hide it. If he asks where it is 'it's Christmas dinner, we're not drinking, we're chatting'

And don't be afraid to say, you've overstayed your welcome, I won't be inviting you again, I need you to get up and leave now.
If he won't
Say 'this is completely up to you, I've asked you to leave now, you're refusing, so I'll ring neighbour/friend/police etc'

That sounds so harsh. Maybe I do need to be tougher. I’ll definitely set some boundaries and have a chat with the boys so they don’t end up in their rooms leaving me with their dad.

OP posts:

DPotter · 04/12/2023 19:48

I agree -be explicit about times, don't serve alcohol and explain this to your boys as well as being clear that all the time he is there, they stay downstairs with you.

Oh and make it clear - this is a one-off, never to be repeated event. If not on Christmas day, very early in the New Year so he has plenty of time to make other arrangements

forrestgreen · 06/12/2023 11:35

If you give him an inch he'll take a mile.
Your house is cosy and full of his memories, where will he be otherwise? I think he'll choose your house where he's cooked for and his needs are met. If you're not clear this a dinner invitation you'll struggle to end his visit.

peanutbutterdog · 06/12/2023 13:08

I'm a very long time divorced but when we initially split, our kids were 7 and 10 so Christmas and Santa were still ongoing in our house at that time. Like you (I think?), I also felt a bit of guilt over him missing out so invited him for all the Santa years after that (up until youngest was about 13 or so). I also dreaded the days and I can honestly say I never enjoyed them but I did them for my kids. What worked for me were:

Giving him an arrive and a leave time (i.e. come at 2pm for dinner at 3pm, eat, watch Christmas movie, have dessert, then leave at 7pm)
Give him a list of jobs to keep him busy (i.e. put new toys together with the kids, play games, peel potatoes, wash up dishes - this was to prevent him getting the opportunity to just sit drinking and getting more maudlin - learned this after the first year!)
Don't let him 'bring' a dessert or anything else (also learned this in the first year) - gives too much free time and not enough jobs to do which can just raise the tension
No alcohol before or during dinner - maybe one after dessert if I could tolerate him staying
Separate rooms as much as possible to limit tensions (i.e. I made dinner while he amused kids, he washed dishes while I sat with kids) - meant the most part of being with him was actually being in the same room for eating)
A reminder any time he came into the kitchen to try and 'talk' (more a problem in the early years) -'I'm making the dinner, can you go back to the kids'
Stick to talking about 'safe' subjects (i.e. how is work, how are your family, did you see they are building a new motorway)
Any deviation from 'safe' subjects and there was a sharp reminder we weren't talking about that right now and if he persisted, he would have to leave
A half hour reminder before it was time for him to leave (i.e. 'oh, it's nearly time for you to head off - do you want another cup of tea before you go?)

I won't lie, the first year was truly s**t and was really hard and emotional but by sticking to my guns and not allowing any emotional talk, I kept it on track. The threat of kicking him out if he persisted was enough to stop him. As the years went by, it got a bit easier and he accepted the rules although I never enjoyed the day myself. I was always stressed (less each year but still) but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make - not because I'm some type of martyr (I'm not and I cracked out the whiskey as soon as he left!) but because for me at that time with my children the age they were, it was the right decision for us to include him.

Good luck to you.

Epidote · 06/12/2023 14:24

First Xmas for me too. He is not invited to mine. I would spend it with my DD, pijama Xmas. Games and nice meals.
I'm looking forward to it. Will be the best sofa, pijama Xmas ever.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/12/2023 14:34

It doesn't help right now op but it does get easier. You have to go through the 'firsts' first though (first time doing significant things on your own).

Christmas had always been a special time for me and my ex. We got married just before Christmas and then I found out about his affair just after Christmas 13 years later, so that first year hit hard. Despite what happened between us, my ex came round that first year on Xmas morning to give the dc joint presents and spend time with them. It wasn't their fault and I could tolerate him there for an hour for so for their sake.

This will be the 6th Xmas since we separated and I am finally looking forward to it again. It has taken time and years of starting our own traditions to get here though.

I hate that he ruined such a special time for me for so long but it was only me who could change that.

Do what you need to do this year to get through it. Make some new traditions with your teens that don't involve your ex but if it's all too much then you are allowed to switch everything off and ignore Christmas for a while.
Try and plan some things for the new year that you will look forward to and will challenge you and see it as a new start. I booked a festival for me and the dc, a glamping trip and various other things and I'm so glad I did.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/12/2023 14:38

peanutbutterdog · 06/12/2023 13:08

I'm a very long time divorced but when we initially split, our kids were 7 and 10 so Christmas and Santa were still ongoing in our house at that time. Like you (I think?), I also felt a bit of guilt over him missing out so invited him for all the Santa years after that (up until youngest was about 13 or so). I also dreaded the days and I can honestly say I never enjoyed them but I did them for my kids. What worked for me were:

Giving him an arrive and a leave time (i.e. come at 2pm for dinner at 3pm, eat, watch Christmas movie, have dessert, then leave at 7pm)
Give him a list of jobs to keep him busy (i.e. put new toys together with the kids, play games, peel potatoes, wash up dishes - this was to prevent him getting the opportunity to just sit drinking and getting more maudlin - learned this after the first year!)
Don't let him 'bring' a dessert or anything else (also learned this in the first year) - gives too much free time and not enough jobs to do which can just raise the tension
No alcohol before or during dinner - maybe one after dessert if I could tolerate him staying
Separate rooms as much as possible to limit tensions (i.e. I made dinner while he amused kids, he washed dishes while I sat with kids) - meant the most part of being with him was actually being in the same room for eating)
A reminder any time he came into the kitchen to try and 'talk' (more a problem in the early years) -'I'm making the dinner, can you go back to the kids'
Stick to talking about 'safe' subjects (i.e. how is work, how are your family, did you see they are building a new motorway)
Any deviation from 'safe' subjects and there was a sharp reminder we weren't talking about that right now and if he persisted, he would have to leave
A half hour reminder before it was time for him to leave (i.e. 'oh, it's nearly time for you to head off - do you want another cup of tea before you go?)

I won't lie, the first year was truly s**t and was really hard and emotional but by sticking to my guns and not allowing any emotional talk, I kept it on track. The threat of kicking him out if he persisted was enough to stop him. As the years went by, it got a bit easier and he accepted the rules although I never enjoyed the day myself. I was always stressed (less each year but still) but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make - not because I'm some type of martyr (I'm not and I cracked out the whiskey as soon as he left!) but because for me at that time with my children the age they were, it was the right decision for us to include him.

Good luck to you.

Some good advice here too x

Stress101 · 06/12/2023 15:05

I wouldn't have him over. My parents separated and my mother invited my father over for Christmas dinner one year when there was a rare ceasefire between them. It was so uncomfortable. My Dad had a bit too much to drink and got sentimental. It was sad watching him be in the family home and felt totally wrong even though I loved him dearly. I didnt want him there. It was a long drawn out separation up until he died, so over 10 years. It really messed me up seeing my Dad leaving our home at 6pm as we always visited our grandparents on Christmas night. I don't know why my mother invited him to be honest.

Does your ex have anybody he can go to for Christmas or can your children go to him? Honestly it's not a good idea.

Sunshineandflipflops · 06/12/2023 15:12

Stress101 · 06/12/2023 15:05

I wouldn't have him over. My parents separated and my mother invited my father over for Christmas dinner one year when there was a rare ceasefire between them. It was so uncomfortable. My Dad had a bit too much to drink and got sentimental. It was sad watching him be in the family home and felt totally wrong even though I loved him dearly. I didnt want him there. It was a long drawn out separation up until he died, so over 10 years. It really messed me up seeing my Dad leaving our home at 6pm as we always visited our grandparents on Christmas night. I don't know why my mother invited him to be honest.

Does your ex have anybody he can go to for Christmas or can your children go to him? Honestly it's not a good idea.

I think that depends on the situation to be honest. It wasn't the right thing for you and I'm sorry for what you went through, it sounds horrible, but it can work in different circumstances. I guess only the op knows whether its the right thing or not but it was for my family. We still all go out for the dc's birthdays 6 years later and the ex has been round for dinner. We also do parents evenings/uni visits, etc together and it has absolutely been the right thing for our dc. I think that first uncomfortable (for me) Xmas day made the occasions which followed much easier.

peanutbutterdog · 06/12/2023 15:36

I agree with Sunshineandflipflops. The timing for a 'first' at Christmas isn't ideal but you still have a whole lifetime ahead with him as a parent - that doesn't stop just because you separated. There are still occasions where you might potentially have to be together (if that's appropriate in your circumstances) - school graduations, university graduations, family meals, birthdays - all those things that will still happen whether you are separated or not. Biting the bullet and getting on with it where you can is worth it for your children in the longterm, I think. It does get easier over time. My own children are now 19 and 23 and we've had many birthday celebrations, school leavings and university graduations that we have managed as a 'family'. I know for many, many different reasons this approach won't or can't work for some people, but for us we are now at a stage where these days that are spent together aren't exactly comfortable but they are tolerable and my children enjoy the benefits of having both parents present. They don't have the burden of trying to figure out which of us they should ask or how they should exclude one of us. I would hate that additional stress on my kids for their own special days. Again, I'm well aware this is circumstances-dependent.

Somemenareshit · 06/12/2023 16:10

It is my first Christmas single after 20 years and I’m really struggling with it also. I will be spending the day with my two young children and family. My ex has been invited in the morning to watch the kids open presents from Santa but he has declined as I won’t invite his new wife who he married 4 months after we split. I’m very much struggling with how fast he has just moved on and I’m left picking up the pieces.
I think you are a very kind person to invite your ex but agree with others that you should set a time limit and not serve alcohol whilst he is there

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 06/12/2023 20:24

DPotter · 04/12/2023 19:48

I agree -be explicit about times, don't serve alcohol and explain this to your boys as well as being clear that all the time he is there, they stay downstairs with you.

Oh and make it clear - this is a one-off, never to be repeated event. If not on Christmas day, very early in the New Year so he has plenty of time to make other arrangements

Had the no alcohol conversation with him today which didn’t exactly go well. He said he just won’t come over if it’s that difficult. He’s never been able to have a good time without drinking and he never knows when to stop.

OP posts:

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 06/12/2023 20:27

forrestgreen · 06/12/2023 11:35

If you give him an inch he'll take a mile.
Your house is cosy and full of his memories, where will he be otherwise? I think he'll choose your house where he's cooked for and his needs are met. If you're not clear this a dinner invitation you'll struggle to end his visit.

His family aren’t in England so he’d be on his own if he didn’t come to mine which I don’t want for him and really don’t want for my sons. Have had a conversation with him today about how Christmas Day will work, when he should come over / leave etc. I can’t say it went well but I’ve been clear about the boundaries.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 06/12/2023 20:29

That’s fine if he doesn’t come over, then, just make the change now, he prioritises drinking over his DC then he can spend time with the DC without you there on another day.

if he wants a drink and doesn’t get it at your place it’ll probably make him leave sooner, which will work for you!

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 06/12/2023 20:32

peanutbutterdog · 06/12/2023 13:08

I'm a very long time divorced but when we initially split, our kids were 7 and 10 so Christmas and Santa were still ongoing in our house at that time. Like you (I think?), I also felt a bit of guilt over him missing out so invited him for all the Santa years after that (up until youngest was about 13 or so). I also dreaded the days and I can honestly say I never enjoyed them but I did them for my kids. What worked for me were:

Giving him an arrive and a leave time (i.e. come at 2pm for dinner at 3pm, eat, watch Christmas movie, have dessert, then leave at 7pm)
Give him a list of jobs to keep him busy (i.e. put new toys together with the kids, play games, peel potatoes, wash up dishes - this was to prevent him getting the opportunity to just sit drinking and getting more maudlin - learned this after the first year!)
Don't let him 'bring' a dessert or anything else (also learned this in the first year) - gives too much free time and not enough jobs to do which can just raise the tension
No alcohol before or during dinner - maybe one after dessert if I could tolerate him staying
Separate rooms as much as possible to limit tensions (i.e. I made dinner while he amused kids, he washed dishes while I sat with kids) - meant the most part of being with him was actually being in the same room for eating)
A reminder any time he came into the kitchen to try and 'talk' (more a problem in the early years) -'I'm making the dinner, can you go back to the kids'
Stick to talking about 'safe' subjects (i.e. how is work, how are your family, did you see they are building a new motorway)
Any deviation from 'safe' subjects and there was a sharp reminder we weren't talking about that right now and if he persisted, he would have to leave
A half hour reminder before it was time for him to leave (i.e. 'oh, it's nearly time for you to head off - do you want another cup of tea before you go?)

I won't lie, the first year was truly s**t and was really hard and emotional but by sticking to my guns and not allowing any emotional talk, I kept it on track. The threat of kicking him out if he persisted was enough to stop him. As the years went by, it got a bit easier and he accepted the rules although I never enjoyed the day myself. I was always stressed (less each year but still) but it's a sacrifice I was willing to make - not because I'm some type of martyr (I'm not and I cracked out the whiskey as soon as he left!) but because for me at that time with my children the age they were, it was the right decision for us to include him.

Good luck to you.

Thank you. Keeping him busy and not just me is a good idea. I’ve talked to him today about setting some boundaries one of which was not drinking as he’s an aggressive drunk at the best of times and doesn’t know when to stop. He’s threatening not to come if it’s that difficult but will undoubtedly backtrack when he realises I’m not backing down. I’m expecting it to be shit but just trying to manage it and stop it ruining Christmas for my sons.

OP posts:

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 06/12/2023 20:34

He is an ex for a reason - it's never going to be all lovely.
When my folks split up, Christmas was awful - my mum would spend the whole time sobbing when my dad came over for the first couple, then for the next few would go into another room and be all uptight and weird.
When we split up I made sure the kids didn't experience that. It wasn't their fault and as a grown up, I put their Christmas experience above mine.
I made sure I sounded off to friends and kept it short. Good luck x

Iknowtheyareusefulstorage · 06/12/2023 20:35

btw OP, sounds like you are trying really hard x

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 06/12/2023 20:35

Stress101 · 06/12/2023 15:05

I wouldn't have him over. My parents separated and my mother invited my father over for Christmas dinner one year when there was a rare ceasefire between them. It was so uncomfortable. My Dad had a bit too much to drink and got sentimental. It was sad watching him be in the family home and felt totally wrong even though I loved him dearly. I didnt want him there. It was a long drawn out separation up until he died, so over 10 years. It really messed me up seeing my Dad leaving our home at 6pm as we always visited our grandparents on Christmas night. I don't know why my mother invited him to be honest.

Does your ex have anybody he can go to for Christmas or can your children go to him? Honestly it's not a good idea.

We’re amicable generally which sounds like your parents weren’t otherwise I wouldn’t have considered inviting him. I expect it to be awkward and emotional but, as long as he doesn’t drink too much, shouldn’t be awful.

OP posts:

FairyPolka · 06/12/2023 20:37

The first one is really hard. I’m 5 years on now (amicable with ex) and both ex and I are in new relationships. Neither of the new partners have children. Our children are late teens now and since we split, we have done Christmas stocking opening all together, usually on Christmas Eve as our dc often work on Christmas Day. Some might think that weird but I don’t care, works for us. Promise you it gets easier.

Original poster

Stargazer46 · 06/12/2023 20:38

peanutbutterdog · 06/12/2023 15:36

I agree with Sunshineandflipflops. The timing for a 'first' at Christmas isn't ideal but you still have a whole lifetime ahead with him as a parent - that doesn't stop just because you separated. There are still occasions where you might potentially have to be together (if that's appropriate in your circumstances) - school graduations, university graduations, family meals, birthdays - all those things that will still happen whether you are separated or not. Biting the bullet and getting on with it where you can is worth it for your children in the longterm, I think. It does get easier over time. My own children are now 19 and 23 and we've had many birthday celebrations, school leavings and university graduations that we have managed as a 'family'. I know for many, many different reasons this approach won't or can't work for some people, but for us we are now at a stage where these days that are spent together aren't exactly comfortable but they are tolerable and my children enjoy the benefits of having both parents present. They don't have the burden of trying to figure out which of us they should ask or how they should exclude one of us. I would hate that additional stress on my kids for their own special days. Again, I'm well aware this is circumstances-dependent.

It’s very much the future occasions that I’m thinking of to try and make this work. I know too many people who’ve had nasty splits and their children get caught in the middle. It’s good to hear from someone who has made it work. Thank you.

OP posts: