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Original poster

How do I pull myself together again?

48 replies

JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 09:56

I don't know where to start.

Been married 20 plus years. Very happy, close, united relationship.

DH has been stressed at work and finally decided to seek out a formal autism diagnosis. I knew as soon as we met. The assessment process where we are is extensive and he has found it extremely stressful. His colleagues were worried about him as he didn't want to say why. At one point his boss made him take a week off because she was so concerned.

DH decided to make contact with an ex colleague/friend who he hasn't spoken to in years. He knew she'd had quite serious struggles with mental health and had been assessed for autism so thought it would be helpful, despite me having the same difficulties in the past. This quickly escalated to an all consuming online friendship. He'd come home from work, have his dinner, then straight onto his laptop to chat with 'Anna'. Every night. And because of the assessment, very personal chat about thoughts, feelings etc. Things he's never spoken to anyone about, not even me.

It came to a head last Thursday. He got home after being away for a meeting and was again straight to chatting with Anna. I don't hear from him when he's away, never have, and I was fine with that. But in this moment I just knew that he'd have been continuing the online chatting while away. It broke me.

I broke down and told DH how I felt. He was mortified. He has no romantic feelings or intentions towards Anna but can see that it took over his life to the detriment of his family and it wasn't appropriate and it stops now.

I spent the next week trying to pull myself together, telling myself I was overreacting, and keeping going on.

But yesterday morning DH went out and took my phone. His phone kept beeping. I ignored it at first but then looked as I thought it might be him. It was a hobby group chat. But in looking at that I saw a message to Anna from after I spoke to DH.

He got his autism diagnosis the day after we spoke and immediately after his appointment he was messaging Anna to let her know the results. He did ring me to tell me first but then went straight to her. He says it was because he'd promised to let her know and has no answer when I asked why that carried more weight than his promise to me.

My head is a mess. On the one hand, he needed support and it is platonic, on the other, he's giving so much of himself to this platonic online friendship that he's no longer fully present in here. I'm devastated and can't stop crying. DH is following me around, hovering over me and fussing, wanting to make things right. But I feel broken and don't know how to put myself back together.

OP posts:
Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 09:57

Sorry for the essay.

OP posts:
AllisColm · 03/12/2023 10:01

I understand your concerns but do you think he might be wanting to discuss some of this with someone else as he feels he is letting you down or showing weakness in some way ? Have he and Anna met in person recently?

Doggymummar · 03/12/2023 10:05

Put it out your mind or you will make your worst thoughts happen. Why did the diagnosis take so long? My oh was diagnosed with Autism ADHD and add in three separate 2 hour calls about a month ago was about 5 weeks in total from request to diagnosis and not stressful.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 10:11

AllisColm · 03/12/2023 10:01

I understand your concerns but do you think he might be wanting to discuss some of this with someone else as he feels he is letting you down or showing weakness in some way ? Have he and Anna met in person recently?

No they haven't met in years. They work for different organisations on opposite sides of the country who had a shared project years ago. At that time they would meet at the annual project meeting but nothing since. Until recently.

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Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 10:17

Doggymummar · 03/12/2023 10:05

Put it out your mind or you will make your worst thoughts happen. Why did the diagnosis take so long? My oh was diagnosed with Autism ADHD and add in three separate 2 hour calls about a month ago was about 5 weeks in total from request to diagnosis and not stressful.

It took a ridiculously long time. It was a private clinic contracted by the 'national' health service due to backlogs. He had 2 appointments with a psychologist, then an assessment with their psychiatrist, then I had an interview with the psychologist, then he had 2 further assessment appointments with a different psychologist and 2 weeks later an appointment to go through all the results with him.

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RandomMess · 03/12/2023 10:18

He has made a very strong emotional connection with someone else. That is very painful.

Buy each of a copy of "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass and work your way through it.

DurhamDurham · 03/12/2023 10:19

It doesn't really matter what his intentions are, it's making you uncontrollable has to stop. It might be a friendship based on shared experiences but it could so easily veer on the side of an emotional affair.
He needs to respect and accept your feelings and cut contact.

My husband got into the habit of messaging an old work colleague (of both of us, we all worked together) and some of the messages were awful to read, not flirty but v personal.
I decided to stay and four year laters it still annoys and upsets me when I randomly think about it. Wish I'd left then instead of limping along not knowing what to do for the best.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 10:38

I haven't seen their messages as I don't have access to his laptop. I only saw the post diagnosis ones on his phone. There was a message from him to her a few days before confirming it was the right number. Prior to this he didn't even have her number. He said she gave it to him in case he needed someone to talk so, so he could call. But he'd only used it to tell her the results and and then answer some questions about them.

OP posts:
JanglingJack · 03/12/2023 10:53

Doggymummar · 03/12/2023 10:05

Put it out your mind or you will make your worst thoughts happen. Why did the diagnosis take so long? My oh was diagnosed with Autism ADHD and add in three separate 2 hour calls about a month ago was about 5 weeks in total from request to diagnosis and not stressful.

Wow how did that happen? I had my first assessment via telephone call in 2020 during pandemic and still waiting on my face to face for diagnosis.

JanglingJack · 03/12/2023 10:56

Sorry @JenniWrenn I didn't mean to plonm that in there.

It wouldn't sit comfortably with me, but I've been there, trusted partner and it was HER intentions that led to more. I hope you can have a chat, be open, it's hurting you.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 11:15

RandomMess · 03/12/2023 10:18

He has made a very strong emotional connection with someone else. That is very painful.

Buy each of a copy of "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass and work your way through it.

I've just been looking at a sample of it online and it's adding to my confusion. There's a questionnaire to help assess if boundaries have been crossed and it asks, 'Have you made arrangements to talk secretly on the phone with your email correspondent?'. He made arrangements to enable them to talk on the phone which I didn't know about, but I think that's because it wouldn't occur to him to tell me rather than keeping it secret. So would the answer to that question be a yes or a no?

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RandomMess · 03/12/2023 11:19

I don't think it matters. He has developed an emotional connection with someone else that is threatening your marriage.

You are devestates by his behaviour and you both need to work through it together.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 11:27

What does 'work through it together' mean/look like?

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Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 11:34

Where we live the municipality have to provide counselling to couples. I've checked and the next available appointment is January. Should I book one?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/12/2023 11:37

Yes book an appointment.

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 11:42

The way you feel is completely understandable. He’s hovering over you now but he said he’d dial back his contact with her and didn’t. He’s investing way too in his relationship with her, I’m afraid the topic of their chats is irrelevant, he’s making his primary relationship him and her, not him and you. That’s a massive betrayal and not okay.

category12 · 03/12/2023 11:49

It sounds like because you were unhappy with the messaging on the laptop, they've moved to the phone.

So paying lip-service to considering your discomfort with the contact, but basically circumventing it and rules-lawyering it.

It's not great.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 11:51

AnneLovesGilbert · 03/12/2023 11:42

The way you feel is completely understandable. He’s hovering over you now but he said he’d dial back his contact with her and didn’t. He’s investing way too in his relationship with her, I’m afraid the topic of their chats is irrelevant, he’s making his primary relationship him and her, not him and you. That’s a massive betrayal and not okay.

That's it in a nutshell. What I've been struggling to express. For the last few weeks he chose to make him and her his primary relationship.

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Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 11:55

category12 · 03/12/2023 11:49

It sounds like because you were unhappy with the messaging on the laptop, they've moved to the phone.

So paying lip-service to considering your discomfort with the contact, but basically circumventing it and rules-lawyering it.

It's not great.

The exchange of phone numbers was before I told him. The messages were sent straight after coming out of his appointment. So more that he didn't want to wait until he got back to his laptop. Which isn't great, but for slightly different reasons.

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Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 12:05

He doesn't seem to get that. He gets that the time invested and the emotional intensity/intimacy was inappropriate. But he doesn't seem to grasp that the hurt isn't that he told her his results, the hurt is that he felt the need to tell her immediately. His first thought in that situation was to tell her. That's the problem.

He rang me first. But he'd told me a few days before that he would tell me first. Which I found strange because to me it was a given, but it seemed that it was something he had to think about. Which after it all came out left me feeling that he rang me first out of duty and then immediately went to the conversation he wanted to have.

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LightSpeeds · 03/12/2023 12:22

It may be platonic on his side (at the moment) but no-one knows what her intentions are.

Also, if she knows he's married, SHE should be questioning how close they're getting if she has any sense of what's appropriate. Her 24/7 availability for him is an invitation for emotional dependence.

It all sounds very dangerous territory and he needs to reduce his contact with her a lot (or to nothing if you can't be satisfied that her intentions are innocent).

His primary emotional bond should be with you over this.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 12:42

LightSpeeds · 03/12/2023 12:22

It may be platonic on his side (at the moment) but no-one knows what her intentions are.

Also, if she knows he's married, SHE should be questioning how close they're getting if she has any sense of what's appropriate. Her 24/7 availability for him is an invitation for emotional dependence.

It all sounds very dangerous territory and he needs to reduce his contact with her a lot (or to nothing if you can't be satisfied that her intentions are innocent).

His primary emotional bond should be with you over this.

He told me that neither of them see it as anything other than friends. But reading your post now I question how he knows that. Is he assuming or have they talked about it.

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Dontbeme · 03/12/2023 12:55

JenniWrenn · 03/12/2023 12:42

He told me that neither of them see it as anything other than friends. But reading your post now I question how he knows that. Is he assuming or have they talked about it.

Edited
Show quote history

Nevermind what he and this other woman think, has he stopped to think how this must appear to you, his wife? He has spent a great deal of time connecting and relying emotionally on another person (no matter the reason) and turned away from you, his wife. All this time he was struggling or chatting with this woman, where did he think you were, how did he think you were coping? He needs to understand how seriously he has hurt you and the dangerous territory he wandered into. He was in the early days of an emotional affair.

Original poster
JenniWrenn · 04/12/2023 13:22

I'm such a mess.

We spent yesterday afternoon talking. It was very difficult and upsetting. I ordered the recommended book and we've book an appointment with a counsellor for January. I started to feel a bit better.

He rang me from work earlier to see how I was doing and to talk about a stressful meeting he had with his boss. In the course of that conversation I said how I also found it strange that Anna was entertaining that level of sharing. He said he doesn't like to disparage other people and I ignored it and carried on. So he just made vague, non committal responses which made it clear he didn't want to engage with my line of thought.

So everything else he's being open and talking about now. But when it came to me expressing negative thoughts about her he went into defensive mode. When I point this out to him later he will shocked because he won't have actually seen that that is what he did. He put a put a wall up with me on one side and him and Anna on the other. At least that's what it felt like to me.

So i'm back to crying all afternoon.

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Original poster
JenniWrenn · 04/12/2023 16:58

Am I right in thinking/feeling that defending this woman in the face of my criticism of her means he's not just at serious risk of an emotional affair, he has actually crossed into the early stages of an emotional affair?

In that moment, protecting her was more important than hearing me. He doesn't even do that when I'm being critical of his mother.

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