How do I pull myself together again?

[JenniWrenn]

I don't know where to start.

Been married 20 plus years. Very happy, close, united relationship.

DH has been stressed at work and finally decided to seek out a formal autism diagnosis. I knew as soon as we met. The assessment process where we are is extensive and he has found it extremely stressful. His colleagues were worried about him as he didn't want to say why. At one point his boss made him take a week off because she was so concerned.

DH decided to make contact with an ex colleague/friend who he hasn't spoken to in years. He knew she'd had quite serious struggles with mental health and had been assessed for autism so thought it would be helpful, despite me having the same difficulties in the past. This quickly escalated to an all consuming online friendship. He'd come home from work, have his dinner, then straight onto his laptop to chat with 'Anna'. Every night. And because of the assessment, very personal chat about thoughts, feelings etc. Things he's never spoken to anyone about, not even me.

It came to a head last Thursday. He got home after being away for a meeting and was again straight to chatting with Anna. I don't hear from him when he's away, never have, and I was fine with that. But in this moment I just knew that he'd have been continuing the online chatting while away. It broke me.

I broke down and told DH how I felt. He was mortified. He has no romantic feelings or intentions towards Anna but can see that it took over his life to the detriment of his family and it wasn't appropriate and it stops now.

I spent the next week trying to pull myself together, telling myself I was overreacting, and keeping going on.

But yesterday morning DH went out and took my phone. His phone kept beeping. I ignored it at first but then looked as I thought it might be him. It was a hobby group chat. But in looking at that I saw a message to Anna from after I spoke to DH.

He got his autism diagnosis the day after we spoke and immediately after his appointment he was messaging Anna to let her know the results. He did ring me to tell me first but then went straight to her. He says it was because he'd promised to let her know and has no answer when I asked why that carried more weight than his promise to me.

My head is a mess. On the one hand, he needed support and it is platonic, on the other, he's giving so much of himself to this platonic online friendship that he's no longer fully present in here. I'm devastated and can't stop crying. DH is following me around, hovering over me and fussing, wanting to make things right. But I feel broken and don't know how to put myself back together.

He's an adult. Functioning in real life. I have a child with autism this is self indulgent rubbish. A diagnosis is not cancer it should just explain some anomalies and create a path on how to do better. He's being completely self indulgent at your expense. Spell it out straight his autistic mind, if he's not being a dick will get it.

No no no
he’s having an affair albeit ‘emotional’ with Anna right under your nose

appalling behaviour
and he’s using his diagnosis to defend this
snd the fact they arnt fucking

i think you need to be away from him
either alone or with close friends
and take a massive step back op

sorry if that was harsh

but when you are so in him and his problems it’s hard to think clearly
and it’s all about him !

you need some thinking space I’d say

I can sort of understand why you are upset but to me there is no ill intent.

He is being autistic and having an obsession which is normal. As she grasps what he is going through he finds it very satisfying sharing things with her.

I would show a level of understanding here that I wouldn’t show in a person without autism.

I can also understand why he told her about the outcome. He is probably a very honourable person and wanted to follow through on what he had previously agreed. He did it right after because she was very relevant to the situation.

If he had for example just had news from someone that his mother had died then I doubt he’d bother ringing you then contacting her straight after iyswim

I have experience of autism and to me these chats are fulfilling a special interest if you like.

He seems to be just happy to have found a person who can deeply understand him. If they do not exchange flirty messages, why don't you create the circumstances for her to become a friend of both of you? He might be just finding eliberaring to talk to someone else, a friend. And perhaps male friends are not that open to such discussions. Don't you have friends who you would run to talk to about significant moments in your life? Like a bestie? It all depends on whether there is any flirty exchange or they are purely buddies.

He's not going to stop, unless he wants to. Platonic or not, she means a lot to him and they have a connection.. He has checked out of the relationship.

It's up to you if you want to stay and tolerate it, or leave. .

Don't continue to live in unhappiness and loneliness.

Sorry for the delay in replying, it's been a very difficult few weeks.

DH has completely knocked the friendship on the head and has deleted all forms of contact. But things still got worse. He was so worried about having messed up that he now doesn't trust himself at all and keeps asking me if contact with x or y is ok. For example, his annual update from an old student who's just had a baby. Is it ok to send a present, kind of thing.

He asked about messaging his friend 'Sarah'. I'm like, who the fuck is Sarah? She's a friend he made on an autism support forum years ago apparently. They are in the same profession so have kept in touch about areas of interest in their field. He doesn't know anything about her personally and she doesn't know anything about him. It's just scientist to scientist messages.

He showed me the messages to prove how it was. OMG they're awful. Nothing sexual but he's told her absolutely everything about us. Where we live, medical details, his entire family, the lot. When I point it out to him that he's shared all this very personal information with a complete stranger off the internet he looks utterly confused and doesn't know what to say.

The messages from years ago are heartbreaking. He complains to her about me all the time. She mocks me and diagnoses me with mental health issues. He says nothing. He tells her all about my DD and her autism diagnosis. She undiagnoses DD and puts her behaviour down to me being a shit parent, and he agrees with her. And to top it all off, he tells her that if she were in the same city as him he'd definitely be asking her out for coffee.

I completely lost it at that point. He says 'but friends invite each other out for coffee'. I point out that yes they do, but married men don't invite random women they've met online out for coffee behind their wives backs. He looks utterly confused and is processing what I've said, and then the penny drops and I see it on his face. Like the light goes on and he suddenly sees clearly what he's done.

He can't explain any of it.

My mental health is in pieces. I had to have an intervention from the emergency mental health team from our hospital over Christmas as I was spirralling down.

It's an absolute bloody mess.

I can guarantee your mental health will improve without him gaslighting you and playing you like a fiddle.

Honestly leave him, he know what he is doing, but I know you wouldn't be "allowed" to do half of what he is up to

OP, please re read the reply by @Quitelikeit who explains that autistic people are obsessive and that this is normal for them. So is being fixated, single minded and often having no filter. This was demonstrated by his long ago conversation with 'Sarah' where he blurted out details about his life that he should have kept private.
I expect if you think back he's always been like that in conversations or in his comments? I doubt there was anything inappropriate going on with Anna, from his side anyway. She, like Sarah, was someone with whom he shared a special interest and that's why he was talking to her. Unless of course you've since discovered that something inappropriate has taken place?
So sorry you are struggling and your mental health has been affected. Its tough as your husband is now doubting himself so relying on you to support his every move and every comment in case it's deemed inappropriate which must be exhausting. ldeally, if you decide you want to stay with him, you both need counselling and support from a therapist who is familiar with autism so as to learn how to navigate this new normal.

He's very disloyal, that's all you need to know.

Is Sarah married ?

No she's not married. But she lives on another continent. She was on secondment in Europe for a year which is what triggered the 'If you were in the same city I'd definitely be inviting you out for coffee' comment.

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm taking it all onboard, especially that from people with knowledge of autism. I'm not replying much as I'm processing what I'm reading and what's gone on in small bites so I can keep control of my emotions.

So turns out I'm just a guillible fool. I fell hook line and sinker for his wide eyed, confused, what have I done act. I was being sympathetic and understanding because I believed him. He was lying. He's admitted it. He knew full well telling her about his diagnosis was wrong but he had 'split loyalties and wanted to tell her'. When he told me he'd never seen a picture of the other one, he just out and out lied as he didn't want to admit the truth.

If I had somewhere to go I'd leave now. But I don't. So here I am stuck with a man begging for forgiveness, expressing deep remorse, and telling me how much he loves me and our family. But I don't believe a word he says anymore.

So he lied about Anna, and until very recently you never knew about Sarah ?

I think he ought to move out for a bit, give you both time to think and you need to stay in the home as you need to care for dd ( and any others ? )

Edited to ask - when in Jan is the appointment you booked ?

Yes he lied about Anna and he lied about lying. He was evasive when I asked him stuff at the time, such as telling me he was emailing a colleague to evade telling me he was mailing her. When it came out I brought up this deception and he lied and said he wasn't aware he was doing it, he had no intention of deceiving me, he didn't know what was going on in his head etc. Like an absolute idiot I believed him. He was lying.

He had vaguely mentioned another scientist he was in touch in with years ago but I didn't know her name and there'd been no mention or contact for years. I had no idea that he'd restarted contact or the nature of their previous contact.

He also lied about his recent contact with her. Told me he'd never even seen a picture of her. But his messages showed he'd had a browse a few weeks ago of her professional website which is full of pictures of her. When I questioned it he swore he hadn't even noticed them, he was looking at the professional content. Even my friend believed this, knowing him and what he's like. But he admitted last night this was a lie. A lie he repeated again and again in our 'honest' conversations.

I stupidly cancelled the couples counselling appointment. We were working through the book a previous poster recommended and were talking about everything, being honest, building up trust etc. I thought we were getting through it together ok. Plus I have an individual appointment with a therapist on Tuesday, as a result of my mental health crisis. So I stupidly cancelled the couples one as it felt too much.

I have a 10 year old DS and a now adult DD.

So he's a habitual liar.

Is he saying he does not understand right from wrong?

Does he understand what's right or wrong in his worklife or is this confusion just applied to his home life.

Is he loyal to himself and his employers, can he not be loyal to you, telling people your buisness and having them side against you.

This is heartbreaking betrayal, I can understand fully your hurt.

I don't know what he's saying any more. He's just been hovering over me again saying he wants to work it out, that he wants to be a better person, blah blah blah. But I've heard it from him before and when he said it last time he knew full well he was still lying to me.

The nature of his work is such that if he lied to his employers or was disloyal to them he'd be in jail. So yeah, it's jsu me he's disloyal to.

I'd ask him to leave on a temporary basis for now. Have some time apart.

I'm veering towards that. The only thing hold me back is practicalites of being in a foreign country with no support. He would have nowhere to go but a hotel and I have no way of supporting myself.

I have a friend I could stay with but I'd have to take DS with me.

What would his response me if you said "what you want is irrelevant at this point. I'm not sure I want to work it out. You have hurt me too much and I don't trust you anymore."

I've pretty much said that and he looked devastated and said he wants to fix things, he wants to be a better person. He's been up all night and keeps trying to talk to me, asking if we can talk. But I don't know what there is to talk about anymore. His words mean nothing.

I asked him what there is to talk about and he said we need to talk about what's best for DS and what's best for me.