Christmas parallel parenting

[TitaniumTess]

Abusive ex. Years of post separation abuse. We're now communicating through an app, which is much better. We've got a 6-year old child together.

Family court locked down pretty clearly what Xmas arrangements are. My ex wants to change them. I've tried to accommodate it and been polite. He's had a big strop in the app and effectively said not to bother. I've said that I was trying to help. Why do they have to make everything so hard work? I still dread getting the app notifications. Any tips? Xxxx

”I can see that it makes things feel more heated when we try to compromise the contact arrangements between ourselves. This reaction is not in the best interest of DC. Therefore, from now on we shall stick to the agreements as defined by the family court. All other personal arrangements will need to be made to accommodate these times and dates. “ Then reiterate the dates and times, etc. he will have contact with DC.

Do not respond to any attempts to say otherwise. Keep screenshots.

Be prepared he will have a toddler tantrum and try and up the ante to get his way. Stay strong react from your rational adult self. Save a separate space for you to feel and react. It may not be easy but it will help to get things on track for DC

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=nKNyFSLJy6o what this and the following two in the series. It will help you to understand the ‘games’ he is manipulating you to play.

Thank you! Any normal person, and this would be a 2-minute conversation. Not with my ex....

You can turn the app notifications off and only check it at a time you feel ready for the conversation, you may never really want to check it but some moments are better than others to deal with these things

@TitaniumTess you can’t change how he behaves. You can change how you choose to react to his behaviour.

If you always do, what you always do, you will always get, what you have always got.

Hi, we sorted Christmas after him having a number of rants....and me being reasonable for our son.

We're now into various other conversations around other holidays....nothing is clear.

He is on about us meeting up to discuss issues face to face. The back history is he was abusive.......the mediation service told me not to mediate because of it.....

He's gasligjring me isn't he....there's no way I meet up with him do I!?!? He just can't serve that he's been abusive.

Reiterate

We communicate by app only. Meeting face to face doesn't work for me.

We stick to the Court Order arrangements for holidays and plan our other commitments around this.

Set a boundary and stick to it. Stop expecting him to behave how you would. He won't.

You're still emotionally locked in with him if you're trying to oblige him and getting bothered when he doesn't appreciate it.

You have managed to get away from him, which is fantastic, and you've had court ordered contact. This is your opportunity to have a complete break from his idiocy.

Do not meet up with him under any circumstances, as you will just be sucked back in.

"Thank you for your message. We will be proceeding as set out in the court hearing, as this is in the best interests of our DC. Our own arrangements will have to fit in with the stipulated dates and times."

I don't know how notifications work as I don't have a phone, but can you stop them, and only look at the app if you have a specific reason to?

I have a smiliar ex, btw, and one of the most liberating things I ever did was stop responding to his ranty emails, other than with "thanks for your message, the contents of which have been duly noted" (because nil response also winds them up). I then deleted whatever his stupid email was about, quite often without reading it.

Sorry, 'gaslighting,' and 'see.'

Thanks @IFindYouAnnoyingNigel. I can see that. He's accused me of lots of things I haven't done and reported me to authorities, so I always wonder if there's a barb in there.

He's always referring to 'in court....' too.

It's hard to follow what he is writing often
He writes in riddles..

You are both right, @IFindYouAnnoyingNigel @XmasPartyhat around the 'less is more.'

I live by myself with our son, so it's easy to overthink and to over worry. I always feel I should reply straightaway too. I think it's the minor panic that he still evokes.

If the court had locked down Xmas arrangements, you should have just gone with what they said, really.

I think you need to be conscious that he only really gives a shit about successfully manipulating you. You mustn't meet up with him, there's no need for it.

And of course he doesn't think he's been abusive - he thinks he's entitled to behave however he likes to you.

Stop engaging with the manipulation and getting into back and forth with him, it's what he wants. There's no need to get drawn into discussions about the next lots of holidays, and there's no need to respond to everything he says or to respond quickly. The app is supposed to make communication safer for you, don't let him turn it into a tool to bully you.

It's hard to follow what he is writing often
He writes in riddles..

OP: internalise the fact - because it is a fact - that what he is writing is of no relevance at all to you. It doesn't affect you. The court has decided what's in your child's best interests, so you don't even need to discuss that with him.

The only thing you will ever need to discuss with him are practicalities regarding events that affect your child (pick-ups, drop-offs etc). Even then, there's no discussion: it's a case of "I will drop DC off at your house at 5pm on Wednesday 5th, and I will expect you to bring him back at 3.30pm on Thursday 6th".
(Or whatever applies in your case).

Anything else is completely irrelevant, and you can safely ignore it.

I know it feels odd when you're so used to being tied in to an abusive man and his manipulative ways - but try even just for an hour at first to believe the truth: what he says does not affect you.

Thanks.

Some of the court guidelines aren't as clear and we're on the first year of the arrangements. He was never really bothered about spending quality time with our son until he could see how much the court process hurt me I guess.

Eg Easter. We get one week each. I am the primary carer. So, is it whoever puts dates first in the app etc? He's being awkward with everything. We're meant to have a 2 week and 1 week each in the summer. I've given him a heads up of a 10 day holiday that we've booked. He's boxed his 2 weeks and 1 week right the other sides of this, leaving me with only a few random days together.

It's these sorts of area where I am not sure. He then uses it to open the debate and talk about how we should get together to discuss it all etc.

What a manipulative dick he is.

Don't meet him under any circumstances.

Don't reply immediately, have a think about what will work best for your child, and remember that as long as you're offering reasonable contact, you don't have to bend over backwards for him. Take your time.

@RogersOrganismicProcess I've been through the videos - thank you. Good food for thought. I guess the way forward is to keep being an adult, and not let him knock me down to being submissive? I think he does the parent/control gig quite a bit, then a lot of stroppy child.

@category12 I've not looked for 24 hours. Thanks. I naturally tend to reply to emails straight away but I can see how debate about 2024 hols etc can wait another day seeing as we're in 2023. :)

I think I'll see if there's a timing pattern too around when he gets in touch.

Hi all,

I'm back here in this chat because he's flared up again.

Literally anything I write that's sensible and short and sweet turns into him having a rant. Apparently he's been to the police who reckon we can all speak to each other etc. I know this is a lie. It's just triggering after all of the past. I just keep laying out sensible, don't I, and let his tantrums fizzle out!?!?

He keeps saying a court advisor has told him he's right. I mailed court and they've not heard from either of us since court. He is adamant he's right.

He's using capital letters for parts of the conversation and just general being an idiot. I feel every conversation we have going forwards will be a wrestle.

So stop trying to have sweet conversations - just be factual, “The court arrangement is …“ and stick to that.

Gingerbread have advice about contact here.

They also has a helpline.

I'm sorry you are going through this op. I have a very similar ex. We split up 15 years ago and he is actually getting worse. What's also unsettling is that we'll have periods of a month or 2 where he will behave and communicate like a 'normal' person, so I can get lulled into thinking that we are Co parenting rather than parallel parenting and that I can rely on on for support.

But ultimately it always returns back to the abusive emails, accusations about how my 'brilliant' (being sarcastic) parenting has once again ruined x y z and how the DC would be better off living with him. (They wouldn't and wouldn't want to anyway) , always late or refusing to pay the maintenance even though we have a court order.

I do genuinely think that he sees his life's work as making my life a misery.

So the advice about not reacting too or responding to his rants really resonated with me. Don't get sucked in. Its EXACTLY what he wants and gives him everything he is looking for. It will drive him mad to not have his abusive words and actions acknowledged.

In our situation we can't completely block them but what I now do is ignore any of the rants and accusations. It's his stuff and almost certainly nothing to do with your parenting. As others have said- pick out the factual / arrangement stuff and respond only to that. With no emotion. Grey rocking is your friend.

@urbanbuddha thank you! I'll have a look.

@lemonsaretheonlyfruit thanks! It's hard isn't it. We've sorted Feb and Easter now. He's forgotten May so I need to point that out for clarity. Summer, we're getting there.

It just all evokes memories of years of being bullied at home and him giving me a run around through the court system. Horrid!

I'm grateful for the space that the app gives me around not having to read it straightaway. At least I can decide a sensible time of day to see what he's put.

Google the grey rock technique.

He is continuing to abuse you and you need to detach.

He wants to get you off the app so there's no evidence of his abuse.

Surely the summer holidays are meant to be:

2 weeks - parent 1
1 week - parent 2
1 week - parent 1
2 week - parent 2

So you each get a 2 week block in which to go on holiday. I think I probably wouldn't have told him you have a holiday booked already which affects which 2 week block you have, as it's just something he can hold over you.

Just set out your proposed dates for the whole year, ask for suggested amendments and ignore anything about court advisors.

Good grief @lemonsaretheonlyfruit 15 bloody years, you are a saint!!

OP can you just do week on/week off in the holidays? And two weeks on/off in the summer ones? It would cut contact right down.

My ex has been desperate for us to meet face to face also. There is literally nothing we need to discuss IMO. He is very upset that I won't follow his list of rules and I've disengaged completely from him. The less he gets to dictate things and control us the more he accuses me of abuse 🤷‍♀️ he even calls the police to complain about the 'harassment' with no proof mind you because I have blocked him (unblock only when he has the kids).

They are a royal pain in the arse aren't they, mine is exactly the same, and school holidays are always difficult. I also feel like I have to remind him of things - like the May week your ex has "missed" - but you know what, that's not our job any more, we only have to manage our own times with the DC...so I try and stop myself as it just gives him the discussions he wants.

Being helpful is a hard habit to break, but just keep reminding yourself to only do what you have to do, grey rock is a skill that comes with practice!

Hope your week gets easier x

I did a timetable every year in the summer for the whole of the next year with bank holidays etc marked in.

We swopped every year so he would have every other weekend odd weeks one year and even the next.

He would have the first section of each of the holidays one year and me the next so you could actually set it up for multiple years in one go. It used to take ages though.

He would then get it. Point out any errors and we didn't really negotiate beyond that to avoid the nonsense and threats you're going through.

Eventually he lost parental responsibility after 5 x through the courts.

Thanks all!

I replied this morning and then won't look until Thursday. He's already replied but I won't check.

I've tried grey rock. I used to do it on driveway handovers. He just shouted more and enjoyed the fear on my face I think.

I like the idea of doing the whole year in one bout. I guess it's done then.

Based on his previous form of copying my court docs etc, the domestic abuse charity that used to support me, predicted that he would keep making false allegations against me with various bodies. I've always been so law-abiding so I hate the idea. I am just glad that I logged my actual abuse first.

He's trying to make out that I am causing him stress and anxiety. I've got PTSD pretty much from his behaviour.