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Original poster

How would you deal with this? Friend's finances

37 replies

Dogknowsbest · 02/12/2023 21:52

I've been friends with this person for years. She's really lovely, supportive and good fun and most of the time this isn't a problem but I am feeling myself starting to feel resentful.

In a nutshell, she went through a really bad break-up around the same time I broke up with my DH. She was in a real financial mess and I helped her out a bit financially. I knew I wouldn't get the money back and was very clear after I had helped her, "this is a one-off and I can't afford to help you out more than this". It was to the tune of £1,000 and she paid me back £500.

Moving on to now, she's in a much better paid job (I'm estimating £50k), all children grown up. One is at home, paying housekeeping and the others are independent. I'm in quite a low paying job, have 2 kids at home but get maintenance from ex and have a bit extra income from money I invested over the years so our actual incomes are probably comparable over a month.

However, occasionally when we go out or when it involves paying for tickets in advance, she will say things like "I'm your poor friend" and go on about how little money she has compared to me. I feel like she expects me to say, it's okay and I don't need the money when in actual fact I do need the money.

I suspect she's done this with another mutual friend, as although we're all really close, said mutual friend now refuses to book seats in advance where an upfront payment is required.

She currently owes me £30 for tickets I booked for a Christmas event we all wanted to go to and I dread asking for it because I know what the answer will be. How would you handle this?

OP posts:
Toomuchcawfee · 02/12/2023 21:57

I’d avoid any situation where you had to book ticket for her. Only do things where you pay individually on the door for example.

How is she with splitting the bill for food?

Toomuchcawfee · 02/12/2023 21:58

Or you could go nuclear which loads of Mumsnet will tell you to do and LTBitch, but it sounds like other than this you value the friendship and want to keep her.

Bonbon21 · 02/12/2023 21:59

She doesn't get the tickets til the cash is in your hand.
If you eat out together, separate bills.
She books the tickets in future or you only book for your own.
Face her down... she knows EXACTLY what she is doing.

NotEvenThought · 02/12/2023 22:05

She isn't a 'friend'. A friend would repay you the money they borrowed or at least offer you too. She is a user.

Why can't you tell her what you think? If you were close enough to lend her money you should be close enough to be able to talk to her.

AllAroundMyCat · 02/12/2023 22:07

Yes, she knows what she's doing.

As you value her , as a friend, I'd let it go this last time.

Going forward, if there's an event that you both wish to attend, then leave her to book it.,if she asks you to book it then say 'no' as you did the last one.

With regards to restaurants or coffee shops, just say 'let's pay for our own, shall we?'

SeasideJane · 02/12/2023 22:12

This is familiar! Your friend probably is a lovely person, but, it's a really annoying thing they are doing. Ie. scrounging.I've had friends like this, who hang back when it comes to paying and are 'perma-skints', claimingtonever have the money.
Your mutual friend has the right idea and won't volunteer to pay first. Absolutely nothing wrong on pointing out to your friend that they owe you £30.
You will end up resenting and then avoiding them. I did.

User1775 · 02/12/2023 22:14

FFS why do you not say to her what you say here?

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 02/12/2023 22:14

Toomuchcawfee · 02/12/2023 21:57

I’d avoid any situation where you had to book ticket for her. Only do things where you pay individually on the door for example.

How is she with splitting the bill for food?

She's usually good. We always split the bill 50/50. It's just paying in advance for stuff that's an issue.

OP posts:
Snowfalling · 02/12/2023 22:15

I would be upfront and next time she says 'I'm your poor friend', don't let her get away with it, tell her I need the money, I can't to keep paying for things. Just keep repeating that until she gets it. and don't pay upfront for her and definitely don't pay for her food etc.

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 02/12/2023 22:17

Toomuchcawfee · 02/12/2023 21:58

Or you could go nuclear which loads of Mumsnet will tell you to do and LTBitch, but it sounds like other than this you value the friendship and want to keep her.

She has really good qualities. She's been really supportive emotionally when I've needed someone and is really good fun too. I would miss her if she wasn't around.

OP posts:
romdowa · 02/12/2023 22:18

Just tell her hey ill need that 30 quid for the ticket before Wednesday or I'll have to sell it on. Cheers and then going forward don't buy her tickets, say you don't have the money for 2 , only for your own.

Snowfalling · 02/12/2023 22:20

Also, can you ask for the remaining £500 she owns you? She seems in a position to do so, you have young children, think what you could do for your family.

appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 22:28

Can you just have a straightforward chat/send a letter explaining that you value her friendship but... although you gave her the £1K as a one off gift you now don't feel so good about it as she is now on a good salary and could afford to give now give you the remaining £500. You can add that you feel that her comments about her being poor don't land too well with you and that she does also owe you £30.

scoobydoo1971 · 02/12/2023 22:29

You have already been very kind to her in the past. She sees you as a soft touch over money. I personally don't like those sorts of people who prey on the kindness of others. If you want to test the friendship, tell her you are having a few financial problems in the run up to Xmas and an unexpected energy bill has thrown you off (or similar). You need the money for the ticket by X date. If she doesn't pay, then she doesn't respect the friendship. If she does pay, take it in turns in the future when picking days out.

appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 22:30

For me the £500 would really rankle however nice she was, that's a lot of cash!

Riverlee · 02/12/2023 22:34

In future, don’t book the ticket Until you have the money, or for a change, ask her to book the tickets instead of you.

appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 22:38

Is she quite scatty and thinks she has paid you back the full amount, how did the amount of £500 come about?

p.s. I broke up with a long standing friend because I gave her a hair styling tool that I didn't use and then decided I'd like it back a few years later and she wouldn't give it to me because she considered a gift a gift. She was considerably better off than me and could have easily bought one. I just thought she was awful after that and could not like her again.

Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 02/12/2023 22:40

romdowa · 02/12/2023 22:18

Just tell her hey ill need that 30 quid for the ticket before Wednesday or I'll have to sell it on. Cheers and then going forward don't buy her tickets, say you don't have the money for 2 , only for your own.

This is a good idea.

OP posts:
Original poster
Dogknowsbest · 02/12/2023 22:42

appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 22:38

Is she quite scatty and thinks she has paid you back the full amount, how did the amount of £500 come about?

p.s. I broke up with a long standing friend because I gave her a hair styling tool that I didn't use and then decided I'd like it back a few years later and she wouldn't give it to me because she considered a gift a gift. She was considerably better off than me and could have easily bought one. I just thought she was awful after that and could not like her again.

Definitely not scatty. Quite smart in many ways.

OP posts:
appalledandtired · 02/12/2023 22:44

Dogknowsbest · 02/12/2023 22:42

Definitely not scatty. Quite smart in many ways.

Show quote history

yes i see what you mean..

determinedtomakethiswork · 02/12/2023 22:45

I would send her a message saying do you want to go to that event? It's £30 so if you do then can you put it in my account tonight? If you don't want to go that's fine because I will ask Jane instead.

And then never ever buy anything in advance again. If she ever says that she is the poor friend, just say, how can that be when you have so much more than I do?

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 02/12/2023 22:45

Tell her you'll add the £30 onto the £500.
If there's a next time, suggest she buys your ticket and deducts it from the £500.
She's a scrounger.

1983Louise · 02/12/2023 22:47

Get her to book the tickets in future, problem solved, you're welcome..............

randomusernam · 02/12/2023 22:49

Why wouldn't you just be honest with her and when she says oh I'm your poor friend you say but you're not and leave it at that if she has the audacity to go on about it more you can explain what you just have to us. I doubt she will though because in reality she knows the same facts you do.

Ivegotthepowerr · 02/12/2023 22:54

I've got a relative like this who always wriggles out of hosting / paying their way and I've taken a step back because I find it so disrespectful. I refuse to go to a restaurant with them now because they always try and get away with not paying their share / they never go through the trouble and expense of hosting. I see them differently now sadly.

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