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Original poster

DH won't apologise for treating me badly for years

30 replies

Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 17:39

Been with DH for over 20 years. He has always had depression and anxiety and struggled with work stress. He used to be so horrible when stressed - punching walls, shouting at me, being passive aggressive, giving me the cold shoulder, driving off in the car for hours without telling me where he was going. This went on for years. The last few years especially with covid were horrendous. He wasn't always like this though, and these times were interspersed with him being pleasant.

He's now stopped working in the industry that was causing him so much stress and he seems to have changed in that he is so much calmer, seems relaxed and happy, and engaged with me and the dc. The problem is, I just can't seem to forget the years of me treading on eggshells, trying to protect the dc from his moods, feeling anxious and upset all the time, sobbing myself to sleep every night wondering what to do. One of my dc has SN and I was a SAHM for many years, plus my confidence and self esteem was at rock bottom so I didn't feel able to leave.

I also realise now that DH and I are quite different from when we first met - I think I would like him as a friend but not necessarily a partner if I met him now. There's been no affection or intimacy for years, initially due to all the stress and now it just doesn't happen.

One of the things I just can't seem to get past is that I don't think he realises the effect that his stress had on me for years and years. If I ever bring it up he just says "it was both of us, we were both angry with each other" or "it takes two to tango". I don't deny that I used to get upset when he was angry and at times I got angry with him because of how he was treating me - but it all started with him! I've said to him, if I was the one randomly getting angry with him, why aren't I doing it now? He just can't see it, and seems to want to just leave it in the past and move on. I don't understand why he can't apologise - I literally don't get it. I feel quite detached from him to be honest as sometimes I don't think he sees me as a person at all.

The family home is much calmer now, we all have fun at meal times etc, and I'm still doing everything I can to create a harmonious family, but my heart is not in it somehow. I just think that if ever DH got stressed again, he could behave like that again and to be honest, I don't think I could take it. I'm considering that I may at some point separate, although it seems so sad for the dc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

OP posts:
Jinglingallthewaytochristmas · 02/12/2023 17:55

I’m not surprised you’re struggling to deal with DH being physically and emotionally abusive. It sounds like you need some
counselling for yourself to work through what you’ve been through.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2023 18:04

Well have you apologised to your children for staying with an angry abusive man for all these years?

Sorry op but...facts.

And you expect a man who literally punched walls infront of you...to be sorry?
Fat chance.

You owe yourself a sorry.
You owe your kids a sorry.

Focus on getting free of your abusive partner and making it up to yourself.

Of course you can't forgive him. Why would you? You'd have to be mad.

Stressful jobs don't excuse abuse. Being less abusive now doesn't excuse abuse.

You've put up with shite you shouldn't have for years. Now you have some breathing space, please see it and get the fuck away from him.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2023 18:07

Ps: he CAN see it. He KNOWS how he has treated you.
He.just.doesnt.care.

And wants you to think you don't have the right to be mad. He wants you to think he doesn't understand...so...maybe it wasn't all that bad...maybe you're overreacting...or too sensitive...

Nah. He knows he's treated you badly. He.doesnt.care.

Wake up to the con.

Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 19:16

@Jinglingallthewaytochristmas that's a good idea, yes I do think I could do with some counselling.

@Pinkbonbon thanks, yes I do feel I finally have some breathing space to try to process everything and try to get some clarity on the situation whereas I was just in survival mode for years. I guess I just can't quite comprehend that he would not care about how he's treated me. And yes, he has in the past said that I'm overreacting or too sensitive. What does that even mean if he doesn't care that he's treated me badly - does that mean that he is incapable of empathy (for me anyway)? It's so hard to get my head round.

Especially as he's being "nice" now, and we're planning to put up the Christmas tree with the children tomorrow, he's being engaged, smiley and chatty with everyone. Is it all an act? Or is it just lack of self awareness, so that if he's feeling fine and no stress he can be nice, but when he's stressed he's horrible, but he just doesn't think about how it affects others?

Maybe I don't need to understand, but I just feel confused about it all.

OP posts:
Gettingbysomehow · 02/12/2023 19:20

I'd be off OP, I could never forgive not only that behaviour but his refusal to acknowledge what he did to you.

WhateverMate · 02/12/2023 19:24

Oh come on now, you really think he's going to change how he deals with stress just because he's stopped working in the industry?

Sorry OP but you're dreaming. Work stress is absolutely NO excuse to treat your wife and children like that and for so many years too.

He is an abusive man and as soon as he experiences stress again that he can't handle, you'll see him for exactly what he is.

Stop making excuses.

Epidote · 02/12/2023 19:27

Will his apology make any difference?
I think for the rest of the paragraphs that you had had enough and somehow you are wishing that his apology will change your thoughts for good.
I think it won't, I think you had had enough.

category12 · 02/12/2023 19:27

Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 19:16

@Jinglingallthewaytochristmas that's a good idea, yes I do think I could do with some counselling.

@Pinkbonbon thanks, yes I do feel I finally have some breathing space to try to process everything and try to get some clarity on the situation whereas I was just in survival mode for years. I guess I just can't quite comprehend that he would not care about how he's treated me. And yes, he has in the past said that I'm overreacting or too sensitive. What does that even mean if he doesn't care that he's treated me badly - does that mean that he is incapable of empathy (for me anyway)? It's so hard to get my head round.

Especially as he's being "nice" now, and we're planning to put up the Christmas tree with the children tomorrow, he's being engaged, smiley and chatty with everyone. Is it all an act? Or is it just lack of self awareness, so that if he's feeling fine and no stress he can be nice, but when he's stressed he's horrible, but he just doesn't think about how it affects others?

Maybe I don't need to understand, but I just feel confused about it all.

It's just the nice/nasty cycle on a bigger loop - I bet there were times he was smiley and engaged during the years he was abusing you too.

You suspect yourself that if he had the stress excuse again he would revert to the same behaviour - so in fact nothing has changed.

He's not sorry because he feels entitled to treat you however he likes.

Pinkbonbon · 02/12/2023 19:34

Right now his life is good. His wife is running around after him and being a good little woman.

The second there's a 'no' in there or he feels she isn't pandering to his ever need... there will be changes. Passive aggressiveness at best. Or...old-school wallpunching making a comeback. And the rest.

It's very hard to...compute that someone just totally lacks empathy. Or any care for their partner. But for 20 years he showed you exactly this, over and over again. Even if you can't understand it op. When someone shows you who thry are - believe them.

theduchessofspork · 02/12/2023 19:37

Well he is abusive OP ie a dick, so the chances of him apologising are zero - gaslighting is all you’re going to get - and that is emotional abuse. You can’t get your head around the fact he doesn’t care about you because he is deliberately making you doubt yourself.

I am sorry you had this experience and hope you and the kids are Ok.

It would be best to leave now, if that just feels impossible could afford to see a counsellor who can help you unpick what’s going on? If that’s financially impossible contact your GP (explain your situation) to get on a list, and also contact women’s aid for advice. The Freedom Programme would be really helpful for you.

In the meantime gather all your financials and see a solicitor so you know what the deal will be. He could easily turn again so sooner might be better, or at least have an emergency plan in place.

Speaking of dicks @Pinkbonbon the OP was emotionally abused for years, of course someone fully in procession of their faculties should leave, but the OP was ground down. She is still ground down proven by the fact she hasn’t pushed back at your total lack of empathy nor at her husbands continued emotional abuse.

Isheabastard · 02/12/2023 19:41

I went to therapy after being in a long marriage that I was unhappy in.

The therapist validated my feelings which I badly needed, as my husband always told me I was to blame, expected too much, was too sensitive.

By then the resentment was too much, my husband thought he was always right, so I’m divorcing. He’ll never apologise and probably still thinks I’m the one at fault.

I think @Epidote has made a very good point.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 02/12/2023 19:46

@Pinksalamander I get it.
ive been in a similar situation than you and when you are so much in survival mode, being able to step back and imagine a separation is simply impossible - too much energy and stress on the top of an already volatile situation just feels too much.

The thing with him being nice now.
It might be that he was really depressed because if his job and got really angry/took it out on you.
Or maybe there is another reason. Like he is abusive.
But it doesn’t change that you’ve been deeply hurt so ofc now you can’t quite relax, forgive or even enjoy those ‘nice moments’. I know I always had that question coming to my mind ‘if you can do that now, why couldn’t you do it before?’ Said with a really deep sadness.

The fact he doesn’t want to apologise (but really what difference would it make?) or insist ‘it takes two to tango’ shows to me he still isn’t taking responsibility.
If the job was such an issue then, he should have changed job years ago. He should have gone to see his GP (if he was depressed). But he didn’t. And he is still not willing to face what happened and the part he played.
That for me would be the final nail in the coffin. Because it won’t be the only area where he isn’t taking responsibility because it suits him.

Endoftheroad12345 · 02/12/2023 19:48

I was married to someone like your H and a i left him.

I also thought he was a good man with an anger issue caused by work stress.

I realised he was an abusive and emotionally damaged man who could sometimes be nice - only if everything was going perfectly.

I too have a stressful job (same job/level as ex H) and I have never screamed abuse, smashed things, physically intimated my partner and kids. Yes I shouted back when I was treated like shit, who wouldn’t? That makes me human, not abusive.

My exH also refuses to acknowledge the gravity of what he has done. My kids were 8 and 4 when we separated - they are 9 and 5 now. DS9 is on therapy. It’s only coming out now that he struggles with sleep because he used to lie in bed at night listening to is shouting and was scared Daddy would hurt him. He is very hard on himself when he has (normal) rough and tumble with his little sister because he is scared he will grow up to be like Daddy (angry and scary). I thought I was shielding my kids but I wasn’t.

Your H has no empathy. If I had caused that level of distress to my partner and family because of work stress (a) I would never make them feel unsafe and (b) I would feel mortified and ashamed and would take steps to make sure they knew how sorry I was and that it would never happen again. Your H is entitled and abusive and it will happen again.

LaurieStrode · 02/12/2023 19:50

Have both of you apologized to those poor children?

Oblomov23 · 02/12/2023 20:38

How old are your dc. You do know that they've heard it all don't you?

justgotosleepffs · 02/12/2023 20:44

WTF with the posters telling OP to apologise to her children.

She is describing a range of different types of confusing abusive situations and will have spent years trying to put the children first and do what's best for them in her situation. She has been worn down and confused by a range of contradictory behaviours. She is a victim.

To the posters who are trying to make her feel bad: YOU lack empathy and are no better than her husband.

OP, dont blame yourself. Be honest about your feelings, get some counselling, and tell some people IRL what is going on.

roseopose · 02/12/2023 20:48

I took years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse from my ex as well as cheating, drug taking, lying about ridiculous things..verbal abuse, name calling. He would never apologise for any of it. If I tried to discuss his behaviour in a good patch he would immediately turn it back on me or say that how I was had 'made' him do all those things to me. Recently I found the courage to shove him firmly in the bin where he belongs and I suggest you do the same. Someone who can't admit fault and apologise is not someone you can have a fair and trusting relationship with.

Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:11

@category12 yes he was smiley and engaged sometimes during the years that he was also horrible. That's what I found so confusing, and I would always tell myself that the "nice" him was the real dh, whereas the horrible him was just his stress. But I now think they are both him.

That's awful to think he feels entitled to treat me how he likes, but I actually think it's true.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:19

@theduchessofspork thank you. I have doubted myself for a very long time about all this, I think it is partly to do with the gaslighting - he is so adamant that nothing is his fault, he doesn't apologise, he says I'm too sensitive - that I have ended up believing him.

I'm not in a position to leave now unfortunately - if it wasn't for the dc I would just move out, but I want things to be as least disruptive as possible for them. I will definitely get some counselling and work out my financial position.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:28

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 02/12/2023 19:46

@Pinksalamander I get it.
ive been in a similar situation than you and when you are so much in survival mode, being able to step back and imagine a separation is simply impossible - too much energy and stress on the top of an already volatile situation just feels too much.

The thing with him being nice now.
It might be that he was really depressed because if his job and got really angry/took it out on you.
Or maybe there is another reason. Like he is abusive.
But it doesn’t change that you’ve been deeply hurt so ofc now you can’t quite relax, forgive or even enjoy those ‘nice moments’. I know I always had that question coming to my mind ‘if you can do that now, why couldn’t you do it before?’ Said with a really deep sadness.

The fact he doesn’t want to apologise (but really what difference would it make?) or insist ‘it takes two to tango’ shows to me he still isn’t taking responsibility.
If the job was such an issue then, he should have changed job years ago. He should have gone to see his GP (if he was depressed). But he didn’t. And he is still not willing to face what happened and the part he played.
That for me would be the final nail in the coffin. Because it won’t be the only area where he isn’t taking responsibility because it suits him.

Edited

@LeRougeEtLeNoir I'm sorry to hear you were in a similar situation. I really relate to what you have said.

"I know I always had that question coming to my mind ‘if you can do that now, why couldn’t you do it before?’ Said with a really deep sadness."

Yes, that's what I have been feeling too.

"And he is still not willing to face what happened and the part he played.
That for me would be the final nail in the coffin. Because it won’t be the only area where he isn’t taking responsibility because it suits him."

Interestingly, you are right - there are quite a few areas in our life where he is not taking responsibility. I used to beg him for help/ support/ engagement in certain areas of our life and he would just refuse so I gave up asking as I couldn't face his anger.

OP posts:
theduchessofspork · 02/12/2023 21:29

It’s definitely not you - the Jekyll and Hyde carry on is classic emotional abuse. It’s designed to confuse you, make you doubt yourself and above all grind you down

Other than getting some counselling to help build you up and making a practical plan, try and withdraw from him as much as you can - the less he is in your head the better. If this triggers another round of abuse then you will need to get out. Women’s aid are really good for advice.

Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:38

@Endoftheroad12345 I'm sorry to hear that your too were married to someone similar.

"I realised he was an abusive and emotionally damaged man who could sometimes be nice - only if everything was going perfectly."

Yes, that is exactly like my DH

"If I had caused that level of distress to my partner and family because of work stress (a) I would never make them feel unsafe and (b) I would feel mortified and ashamed and would take steps to make sure they knew how sorry I was and that it would never happen again."

That's exactly what I've thought too. The confusion has come when my DH repeatedly tells me how much he loves the dc and me and how much of a family man he is. I couldn't reconcile his words and behaviour, but I'm coming to realise that I can't believe what he tells me, I need to believe how he behaves.

I'm sorry to hear your ds is struggling - I hope that therapy will help, I am sure it will be so much better for everyone in the long run that you have left your dh. As you say, we want to shield our kids, that's all I've ever tried to do too. I think you are very brave and inspiring to have left.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:40

@justgotosleepffs thank you for your understanding

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:45

@roseopose that was very courageous of you to have left - it takes such strength to leave a situation like the one you are describing. It's very difficult to explain unless you have been in a relationship like this. You're right, it's impossible to have a trusting relationship with someone who refuses to admit fault and apologise.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pinksalamander · 02/12/2023 21:47

I never thought I would be like this - basically ground down, constantly doubting myself and with all the fight gone out of me. I was very different 20 years ago - assertive and independent! But this thread and everyone's encouragement is helping me feel stronger - thank you!

OP posts: