DH won't apologise for treating me badly for years

[Pinksalamander]

Been with DH for over 20 years. He has always had depression and anxiety and struggled with work stress. He used to be so horrible when stressed - punching walls, shouting at me, being passive aggressive, giving me the cold shoulder, driving off in the car for hours without telling me where he was going. This went on for years. The last few years especially with covid were horrendous. He wasn't always like this though, and these times were interspersed with him being pleasant.

He's now stopped working in the industry that was causing him so much stress and he seems to have changed in that he is so much calmer, seems relaxed and happy, and engaged with me and the dc. The problem is, I just can't seem to forget the years of me treading on eggshells, trying to protect the dc from his moods, feeling anxious and upset all the time, sobbing myself to sleep every night wondering what to do. One of my dc has SN and I was a SAHM for many years, plus my confidence and self esteem was at rock bottom so I didn't feel able to leave.

I also realise now that DH and I are quite different from when we first met - I think I would like him as a friend but not necessarily a partner if I met him now. There's been no affection or intimacy for years, initially due to all the stress and now it just doesn't happen.

One of the things I just can't seem to get past is that I don't think he realises the effect that his stress had on me for years and years. If I ever bring it up he just says "it was both of us, we were both angry with each other" or "it takes two to tango". I don't deny that I used to get upset when he was angry and at times I got angry with him because of how he was treating me - but it all started with him! I've said to him, if I was the one randomly getting angry with him, why aren't I doing it now? He just can't see it, and seems to want to just leave it in the past and move on. I don't understand why he can't apologise - I literally don't get it. I feel quite detached from him to be honest as sometimes I don't think he sees me as a person at all.

The family home is much calmer now, we all have fun at meal times etc, and I'm still doing everything I can to create a harmonious family, but my heart is not in it somehow. I just think that if ever DH got stressed again, he could behave like that again and to be honest, I don't think I could take it. I'm considering that I may at some point separate, although it seems so sad for the dc.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and what did you do?

To be honest the real turning point was when he accidentally hurt our three year old and then wouldn't either acknowledge that he had hurt her nor apologise. In his mind what he had done couldn't possibly have hurt so he wasn't willing to entertain the idea that she was hurt. I honestly don't think he gives a single shit about me. He treats me like I'm subhuman and don't deserve any sort of empathy or kindness. My top tip is to get angry. That has carried me through the last few weeks and solidified in my mind that he won't change.

The reason we are talking about op apologising is simple - her kids had no choice in their environment for all those years.

Now I'm certainly not victim blaming op for staying. Abusers break us down to a point where we just don't even think about leaving anymore. But what I am saying is that NOW you have a chance to make different choices and make things right for your kids. To tell them you were mistaken to stay.

Just as op wants her partner to hold himself accountable for the hurt he caused her. As a parent she also has to be accountable just like he does - for the hurt caused to the children in this relationship. They have two parents. One who abused and one who kept them in that abusive environment.

Because yes, op is a victim. But her kids are too.

So many grown up children on here who love their mothers but...resent them for staying with their abusive fathers for years and years, doing them untold damage. It might not be fair. But unfortunately it happens.

I hope you know that I don't intend to make you feel bad op. I'm actually pointing out that you probably have empathy for them, you have the capacity to look inwards and say 'how did it get to this point where I stayed with this man and let my kids see him treat me like this all these years'. To fix things now and make choices that will help you all.

I'm hoping that if not for you, but for them, you leave him. Because he cannot choose a better life for your kids. But you can.

I know it seems like im being harsh but I'm pointing out that YOU qre now capable of taking responsibility for your choices. HE Hever will be. It's not in him.

Please know that the abuse you enjured was never your fault. I'm sure you even stayed thinking it was best for your kids.

Now you have the chance to go and to focus on them. To show them we do not stay with abusive men. To fix the damage that was done to them.
You are a good person because you are sorry for your part in things...even though you didn't really have much agency due to his abuse. He, isn't sorry.

@Pinksalamander I think DS is talking about it now because he feels safe and knows it won’t happen again. Although I find it incredibly upsetting to hear (obviously) in a way it helps me know I have made the right decision. Ex H really played on me fucking their lives up by ending the marriage.

DD5 doesn’t miss him. She is happy to see him when he comes here but neither want to go to his house or ask about him when they are with me (95% of the time).

Don’t congratulate me for leaving. He assaulted me multiple times, the worst being in 2015 about a week before DS’ first birthday when he beat me round the head in the middle of the night, leaving me with a black eye - for telling him it was his turn to get up to him. He was physically abusive after that but not as bad (think pinching leaving bruises, pushing etc, as well as smashing etc). I brought the black eye up when I ended the marriage and he could not compute that I was still going on about it - “that was years ago and I got counselling” (3 sessions after which he declared that the therapist had said he was fixed 😵‍💫🤔). As if you get over being beaten up by your husband just like that. I should have left after that (and multiple times before and after!) but then I wouldn’t have had DD so I don’t regret it.

What actually pushed me to leave was a very chance encounter with an old high school sweetheart who I hadn’t seen for 24 years. We happened to be in the same European town travelling for work and went out for dinner. He was so kind and lovely, so delighted to see me, “your husband must be so proud of you” and all I could think was that my husband hated me. Last year the rages were almost constant, zero affection or intimacy in our marriage, just rage and coldness in between. I caught the train to London the next day and cried all the way for the lovely man who clearly still held a candle for me, the sparky young girl that I once was and the miserable life I was going back to. I met exH at 20, he was my only real boyfriend and I had always been totally loyal to him despite everything and there I was losing my mind over a boy I had kissed at 17 in the late 90s! I thought I was losing my mind.

I went home and exH screamed at me within minutes of me walking in the door and something snapped inside me and I was done. I ended the marriage 4 days later. It was beyond horrific - exH went psycho and I feared for mine and the kids’ safety - but that was a year ago (26 November 2022) and I can safely say it is the best decision - apart from the kids - I have ever made.

@Pinksalamander I am now in a long distance relationship with High School Sweetheart and it is absolutely wonderful. He is so loving and empathetic - being with him is like a warm bath after being outside in the snow.

I felt very very guilty and conflicted about the relationship initially and have had most of therapy! There was no cheating although there was an emotional connection and I felt guilty about that (lapsed Catholic!). I said ti
my therapist that he was the catalyst for me finally ending my marriage and talked about how I felt bad & guilty about that … my therapist (who had heard endless stories of exH’s horrific behaviour and clearly thought I needed to get some perspective!) said to me “was he the catalyst or did he just shine a light on how bad your situation was?” and I think that is true.

I left ex H fully prepared to be alone - I didn’t leave him “for” new (old 😂) boyfriend, and the relationship didn’t commence until 4 months later so I do feel at peace with my decisions now.

I am so so so much happier and I know I would be even if I was alone with my kids.

I was sitting in the house last night with the Christmas tree up, reflecting on how peaceful it was and how proud I am of the home I’ve built with my kids. Christmas used to be such a stressful time, exH would do nothing to help and scream abuse at me if I asked for help or complained. Now I do everything, just as I always did, but there is no resentment.

@Endoftheroad12345 thats so lovely to read. I’m very happy for you!

op it sounds like you’re really minimising how abusive your husband is. He sounds like a narcissist… Have you watched dr Ramani on YouTube, she has a lot of useful info that may resonate with you

i left in may this year, together 11 years, kids are 1 & 3. I gave birth to my youngest covered in bruises. Two weeks later he punched me in the head so hard I saw stars. I only left because he told me he’d kill me if I didn’t (weird attempt at reverse psychology as he’s spent the last six months trying to lure us back)

I am 3 months into therapy and occasionally look back at texts and journals and it is honestly terrifying how much I repressed / minimised the abuse

I’m still working on detaching completely from him. It’s really hard. Typing it out helps. When I have to fill out forms and document the abuse it is very sobering to realise the hell I was living. It just felt so normal .. it’s not though.
The kids are happier. They still adore him but they’re not surrounded by toxic rage all day. My eldest remembers him hitting me and asks why he did it sometimes. Once she asked “is it because he is a boy and you are a girl”. Moments like that I know leaving was the best thing for the children, even though at the time I thought staying with their dad was best.

ive enjoyed reading the positive stories on this thread. I’m finding it all really tough right now but I know leaving was the right thing to do

sorry to hijack op. Definitely get some counselling and be very kind to yourself and kids x