Do I break up our family or am I overreacting?

[Isitover23]

The past few months have been HARD and last night there was yet another incident which I just can’t move past.

we have 2 children, the youngest being under 1. My “D”H isn’t coping well and the strains on our relationship have it a point where I feel will break us.

I’ve been with him most my adult life (late 30’s now) and he’s always been a bit of a potty mouth and had a bit of a fiery temper but has never been violent, ever. He does a lot around the house and we don’t argue about finances etc.

but since we had our second child, things haven’t been good. With our first, he was great, but he can’t cope with the baby crying.

there have been 3 incidents where I’ve felt like leaving, but I just feel trapped and don’t want to break apart such a young family.

the first was when he called me a “f**king idiot” in front of our son and his dad. I told him if he ever disrespected me like that again I would leave.

then a few weeks later he basically admitted in an argument that he would have been happy with just one child and while he loves our second child he never saw himself with 2. This cut deep.

last night, he lost it with our eldest. He pinned him down on the bed and said “do you think this is funny” and swore in a sentence to him. I had to tell him to leave the room. He then went into our bedroom and could hear the baby crying and said “shut that fucking baby up”. This is a massive red flag for me.

we spoke and he admitted he didn’t handle it well, but seemed to suggest it wasn’t a big deal. To me, it’s a MASSIVE deal.

he’s not one to hold a grudge, so when I bring up the previous incidents he doesn’t like it, but to me it’s an accumulation of events. He’s not coping with 2 children, has never looked after both of them and I said to him last night I don’t trust him not to loose his temper, but I do trust he would never physically hurt them.

it’s so close to Christmas, and we are supposed to be going on a holiday that’s 4 hours away. I’ve said I don’t want to go as the car journey makes me nervous because of baby is crying or toddler kicking off, it will be hell. He said he won’t loose his patience again.

yes, I’m not perfect. Yes I shout at our eldest, but I’m always in control and never swear.

i just don’t know what to do. How do I decide to break up a family of 2 young children 😢

I can't believe you would consider staying with this pig of a man. Your family is already broken and you leaving will fix it. He abused your son. He's abused you. Protect your children.

@Ilovegoldies we are due to see Santa today so I’m trying to put on a happy face for my son as I don’t want him to know. I just don’t know where to start.

Have you got somewhere you could go?
Would he leave?

It is abusive.
Him saying that he wont lose his temper this time is suggesting that he permits himself to do it. Probably to gain control.
Little tots don't learn this way, to be quiet/adjust, they learn that they are bad.

What are his folks like?
What are yours like?
Your childhoods?
These are the templates you will be drawing on.

I don't think you are overreacting.

Sorry you don’t believe he would physically hurt your children, what’s pinning a child down on the bed then so the poor kid can’t move! Technically thats assault

he abuses you, at what point will be abuse the youngest?

you need to protect your kids and leave

he needs counselling to help him as a minimum, but I would still be leaving

@Therealweld no, nowhere to go with 2 children. And he doesn’t either.

his parents are lovely, I actually confided in his mum last time and she was very upset. I am trying to teach my son values that I thought me and DH shared, but recently it’s all gone to pot as he’s displaying behaviour that I’m trying to teach is not ok.

@Tinkerbyebye I understand. I have held my son’s arms when he’s been misbehaving as otherwise he just runs away, but I do feel I do this in a controlled manner, but maybe that’s not ok either.

I just feel very overwhelmed as I didn’t expect things to escalate so quickly. He’s not enjoyed any part of the ‘baby’ phase with our second and I think the stress of that, his job etc has become too much.

Get. Him. Out.

Don't make excuses for him.

He is an abusive pig

Your poor children

Get a backbone and get out

Better if you could do some parenting classes together to learn strategies. If you leave he could end up having the children on his own 50% of the time !

Is his mum local?
Can you do a family intervention?
Could he stay there while he gets help?

The thing is, this would be you/his mum/mumsnet saying he needs help, and he has already suggested its not a big deal.

He should be the one thinking about what he can do to make things right.

Could you call woman's aid and get some advice?
He has been a danger to the children.
It is a safeguarding issue. As im sure you realise/you are posting.

I said to him last night I don’t trust him not to loose his temper, but I do trust he would never physically hurt them.

He pinned your child to the bed. How is that not hurting him?

You cannot trust he won't physically hurt them
A shove push in rage can injure a child easily
He cannot control his anger
You need to separate he can stay with his mother and see gp if he is really struggling

Are you frightened of him?

Going against the grain here, I don't personally see calling you a fucking idiot as a one off abusive, tho obviously it isn't great. If he used derogatory language to you constantly that would be emotional abuse, but that doesn't seem to be the case?

And saying he would have preferred one child may well be honest. Did he push for another baby? Is he going back here in statements he previously made? Even if he is, he is allowed to feel this.

As for restraining your child on the bed - loads of people physically restrain their kids. I don't like it personally and wouldn't have done it unless it was a matter of life and death, but I cannot see that it makes him an abuser.

Maybe you are just not happy with him - and you are allowed to leave him. You could leave a prince among men if he doesn't make you happy.

He needs to be out of the house NOW at least until (if) he gets help. He needs to see his gp and access parenting support. There’s a very good reason health visitors tell you to leave a crying baby when it becomes too much and he clearly doesn’t know when to remove himself rather than reacting. Many people who no one would think would physically harm a child go on to do so as they can’t regulate themselves. Your husband has shown he’s capable of being emotionally abusive and physically inappropriate so your belief that he wouldn’t be physically abusive is naive i’m afraid.

One way or another he has to accept that the way he is responding to his children is escalating, not improving the situation. He needs to accept that he’s losing control, and that is making him angry, and then he loses his temper. This is very definitely not ok. Try and speak to him when the kids are in bed or with their grandparents and see if he can calmly accept that it’s not working and that better strategies will work. If he can, and he’s willing to seek help and work hard to work this out, he can grow, and things will be better. If not, he needs to leave immediately so that his children are never at risk of serious harm.

Thank you for all of your replies. I am taking them all on board and trying to figure everything out.

@Ilovelurchers I do think your perspective is one to also consider, but for me it’s the accumulation of different events that I’m just at breaking point. Our son was misbehaving for a long time and he was being very horrible (behaviour we’ve seen in the last few weeks since him going back to school) and my husband did try other strategies before. BUT he did cross the line in my view.

I just don’t know if it can be resolved.

@EveryKneeShallBow thank you 😭 you’ve put into words what I have wanted to say to him. I will be speaking to him tonight.

If he can pin a child to the bed and swear aggressively in his face then how can you possibly trust he wouldn’t hurt your children?

If6 months ago somebody had told you he was capable of pinning a child down and swearing in their face, would you have believed it? Aggressive behaviour escalates and it’s clear he can act in ways you wouldn’t have thought, of course you need to leave before he does something which harms your child beyond the psychological damage he is already doing.

i don't think it can be resolved - he has crossed the line and got physical with a child. I genuinely don't believe there is a way to go back from there - and you baby won't be able to defend themself if he comes in rage over the crying

If you do decide to leave, you will not be responsible for breaking your family up. He is the one who did that by putting your children at risk and behaving in a way that makes you and your babies feel frightened and traumatised.

I really think you have to draw a red line, yes the early years with two tiny kids can put incredible strain on people, but the fact that he's brushing this off as not a big deal means he thinks what he did is acceptable. If he was horrified at himself, ashamed and seeking help that would different. He and you both need to know that you will not allow your children to be harmed like this, hitting is not the only form of abuse.

I know this is easier to say than do, and as the incident fades into the past it's tempting to try to let normality take over and keep living your life as a family. But please don't let this go, the next time could be worse.

To everyone saying they need to separate, won’t he just end up with the kids by himself, potentially 50% of the time?

Could he have postnatal depression op if this is genuinely out of character for him and only started after your 2nd was born?

nah, he already cant stand them and will most likely not even use his visitation weekends