Do I break up our family or am I overreacting?

[Isitover23]

The past few months have been HARD and last night there was yet another incident which I just can’t move past.

we have 2 children, the youngest being under 1. My “D”H isn’t coping well and the strains on our relationship have it a point where I feel will break us.

I’ve been with him most my adult life (late 30’s now) and he’s always been a bit of a potty mouth and had a bit of a fiery temper but has never been violent, ever. He does a lot around the house and we don’t argue about finances etc.

but since we had our second child, things haven’t been good. With our first, he was great, but he can’t cope with the baby crying.

there have been 3 incidents where I’ve felt like leaving, but I just feel trapped and don’t want to break apart such a young family.

the first was when he called me a “f**king idiot” in front of our son and his dad. I told him if he ever disrespected me like that again I would leave.

then a few weeks later he basically admitted in an argument that he would have been happy with just one child and while he loves our second child he never saw himself with 2. This cut deep.

last night, he lost it with our eldest. He pinned him down on the bed and said “do you think this is funny” and swore in a sentence to him. I had to tell him to leave the room. He then went into our bedroom and could hear the baby crying and said “shut that fucking baby up”. This is a massive red flag for me.

we spoke and he admitted he didn’t handle it well, but seemed to suggest it wasn’t a big deal. To me, it’s a MASSIVE deal.

he’s not one to hold a grudge, so when I bring up the previous incidents he doesn’t like it, but to me it’s an accumulation of events. He’s not coping with 2 children, has never looked after both of them and I said to him last night I don’t trust him not to loose his temper, but I do trust he would never physically hurt them.

it’s so close to Christmas, and we are supposed to be going on a holiday that’s 4 hours away. I’ve said I don’t want to go as the car journey makes me nervous because of baby is crying or toddler kicking off, it will be hell. He said he won’t loose his patience again.

yes, I’m not perfect. Yes I shout at our eldest, but I’m always in control and never swear.

i just don’t know what to do. How do I decide to break up a family of 2 young children 😢

@MolkosTeenageAngst no I wouldn’t have.

@Itwasntme101 yes I think perhaps this something that needs to be explored.

If your child went into nursery or school and told a teacher how your husband behaved they would report this as a safeguarding concern - for me that tells you everything you need to know.

Anyone with an out of control temper enough to pin a child to a bed and swear at them has the potential to harm them. You need to protect your children.

@PaintedEgg i actually think it’s the opposite. He wants to spend every weekend as a family to the point he doesn’t go out, which I don’t think is healthy. I think if he got out a bit more he may find a better balance with the day-to-day struggles of having 2 young children

This happened to me about a year ago. He admitted he massively regretted having another child - which turned out to be twins. And he could feel himself getting angry. He couldn't cope with family life and wanted out. He had started to lose his temper with the twins - one in particular. He didn't want to seek any help like counselling or speak to a doctor. He just wanted out end of and to be away from us as a busy family

I packed his bags and filed for divorce

His mother for all her crying that she was so ashamed and embarrassed in his actions and the way he behaved.....well not heard from her since

Before all the LTB, if he is, as you say a nice man and was like this bette dc2, then a few things should be done first

• him going to see his GP re his anger and his inability to control it
• him getting parenting classes to remind him of techniques to use to deal with both dcs. (And what not to do).

I’m not comfortable with all the ‘men have PND too’ but he is clearly not coping and is putting all that down on dc2. Which is unfair on him tbh and will create all sorts of problems down the line too.

In the mean time, could he stay at his mum? Travel in two different ways etc…

You don't want to break up your family. You have been in this relationship a long time. I don't think it's about just leaving, I think you need to strongly suggest couples/family/anger counselling. Having kids is hard, it's a strain on the relationship. Most of the examples you gave have been things my DH may have done to some extent when very cross over the last 10 years. He is in no way abusive. An unbiased 3rd party counsellor may help you both.
Of course if he refuses to try that, then you might think about leaving.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none. There is no justification or excuse for such behaviour and if he did not want another child he could have used contraception.

AM courses are no answer to domestic violence which is what is bring described here. It is likely also he can and does control
himself around people in the outside world.
If he does indeed do that then this treatment is indeed solely reserved for you as his family.

all this about being together for a long time as a potential reason for not leaving is the sunk costs fallacy and that causes people to make poor relationship decisions.

I would contact Womens Aid and go through your options with them.

This is a hard one. I don't think this is abuse actually, but he is clearly not coping well with two children. Agree on the previous posters suggesting some kind of therapy? Does he have ADHD or anxiety/depression?

He should proactively seek support for his anger and stress...

Agree with this. Also sounds like he might have undiagnosed PPD.

I feel for your children, especially the older. It's doesn't take much to hurt a child or a baby, and consequences could be a life changing injury. Is he depressed? Depression in men often shows up as anger. You are right to be concerned. Tell him he gets counselling for his temper or he leaves and goes to stay elsewhere. If he turns nasty call police. They will talk sense into him. Your children are not safe with him around as he is

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for talking time to provide advice.

we’ve spoken, but I need time to consider what to do. He has said he deeply regrets acting like he has. I just don’t know if it’s enough.

I'm going to try and get some sleep and take some time next week to figure things out.

thank you again

@thelonemommabear sorry to hear this, but sounds like you are doing well now 🙂

As a thought…. your son’s poor behaviour, could this be something learned from or in response to your partner’s actions? Don’t underestimate how much children are influenced by their home life. You may believe they’re mostly shielded from much of what goes on between you (the most recent incident aside) but the reality is children pick up much more than we’d expect. I know this from my own experience with my father as a child and I was fully aware of what was going on. My mother only appreciated how much my sister and I were affected by his treatment of her (and us) once I became adult and we were able to reflect on it. I really think you need to consider at least taking a break for your little ones’ benefit, if not at least whilst your partner accepts he has serious issues and problems coping and seeks help.

He pinned a toddler to the bed in anger! That was enough for the police to arrest an ex BF - their decision and tbf, I'm glad they did, served him right, even though it was only for a few seconds, it's as scary as hell. Someone stronger who is overpowering in the moment strikes fear.
In this situation, no more chances, never again, he needs to be told that in no uncertain terms - do that again and we are done.
I'm not sure it'd all about a 2nd DC if OK on the first. I'm thinking there might be other stuff going on in his life that he is stressing over, most likely his job. Explore what's going on with him, get to the root of it.

Acting out in anger is a deeply rooted habit. He needs counselling in order to control his emotions better. I suspect he is depressed. It could be things at work, a secret gambling habit, his sense of shame for inability to provide for the family as much as he might. Whatever it is he is taking it out on little ones. This is just so WRONG. He needs counselling or you need to leave. Contact Women Aid if you need support with your decision

I personally think your husband needs help. Make him call his gp and start counseling. His behaviour is not something that will make me move out but try to seek help for him. Don't give up on him yet. If his behaviour progresses then yes but at this stage ... I wouldn't.

Even if he agrees to seek support and work on his difficulties, that's not an overnight thing and he could feel worse and more reactive whilst he does the work.

So for that reason, for the short term at least he should be out of the house as he is an escalating risk to the children and potentially to you.

That's not to say he can't come back and things can't get better but he needs to really change and not just do a couple of online courses and think he's fixed.

Just a question that’s sprung to my mind - you’ve said a couple of things but without a lot of context.

You have mentioned that your son was behaving very badly and that it had been going on for some time prior. I guess what I feel some people are missing is WHAT behaviour? And pinned to a bed, unless done in such a way as left marks which I’m assuming wasn’t the case or you’d have mentioned it, when done safely could also be restraining a child at risk of hurting themselves or others in a meltdown. When my child was the age your son sounds like he is, his behaviour was truly out of control (he’s neurodivergent and now had multiple diagnoses and has reached adulthood now). He absolutely did need to be restrained safely (it’s called safe handling or something) and I was told to do this rather than allow him to go around smashing things, smashing his head against walls etc (however the difference is obviously I was in control and calm, I didn’t grab him
and scream at him). I also think it’s an instinctive thing to hold a child down if they’re being violent or destructive if done in a controlled manner. If the child was behaving in this kind of way, restraining him (pinning him down essentially) is not abuse provided it didn’t use unnecessary force -
basically didn’t leave him bruised.

Your husband clearly isn’t coping, is clearly deeply unhappy and he’s losing his temper as a symptom of this, not because he’s suddenly become an abusive monster overnight. If this was reversed (assuming this really is out of the blue as it seems from the post) people would be suggesting seeing a GP etc not the woman being thrown out.

I hope he did go to stay with his parents for a break and for you both to think about where to go from here. I’m just wondering if the birth of your second child has also impacted the behaviour of your first and he could be struggling with this too.

If your oldest is having meltdowns and your baby is crying more than would be ‘expected’ and it’s not an intolerance, colic etc, and your husband is reacting this badly to the ‘change’ of moving from 1
child to 2, I would also be loosely questioning whether some neurodivergence at play somewhere.