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Original poster

His debt!

31 replies

DebtHeaded · 01/12/2023 20:11

I've been with my partner several years. We live apart and totally financially separate. I love him and we get on well, no plans to live together etc as we are both divorced with kids.

He has had some financial issues over the years, usually relating to high maintenance payments and an acrimonious divorce, along with a financially irresponsible ex.

A couple of years ago I advised him about money issues (I'm quite good with money and financially stable). He dismissed/ignored my concerns. Today he revealed he's got big debt problems and basically bankrupt. I have been kind about it but it was also a bit startling and I did get quite cross because I'd warned him this may happen.

The next part I'm quite worried about too - I can understand he's upset and panicking, perhaps that I'll leave/give up on him. But he is declaring a lot of love and suggesting he'd like to marry/live with me. Of course I've told him he needs to sort his legal/debt position before I'd consider commitment. I dont know if he's just panicking or whether I'm being seen as a 'solution' though.

I dont know what to do, it is sad to see him suffering, but obviously I can't subsidise him and his ex, I have myself and kids who I work and provide for. Any thoughts?

OP posts:
Specso · 01/12/2023 20:23

It’s fair enough if you want to stay together and support him (in terms of advice, comfort etc) but for the love of all the gods do not marry him and end up being dragged down with him financially.

If he’s suddenly upped the talk about marriage and is being more loving than he’d usually be I’d be concerned about his motives if it was me.

Sidebeforeself · 01/12/2023 20:24

Yes and beware the fact his blaming a financially irresponsible ex too!

Neodymium · 01/12/2023 20:27

i would question his motives. Especially if this talk has come after his financial situation has escalated. He sees you as a way to bail himself out. He already didn’t take your advice if you moved in together it would be the same.

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 20:30

No one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

User56785 · 01/12/2023 20:30

usually relating to high maintenance payments and an acrimonious divorce, along with a financially irresponsible ex.
Oh of course. So not his fault at all.

MrsTerryPratchett · 01/12/2023 20:31

Sidebeforeself · 01/12/2023 20:24

Yes and beware the fact his blaming a financially irresponsible ex too!

This. And also the first post. BE CAREFUL you have been warned.

savoycabbage · 01/12/2023 20:33

You have your own children. They are the only people you should feel responsible for.

Then you have a man who is blaming a woman for his financial problems.

And who now has no other option than to come clean.

Does he have no friends or family?

category12 · 01/12/2023 20:35

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 20:30

No one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Yeah. Seems sudden jump to commitment now he's sinking financially.

determinedtomakethiswork · 01/12/2023 20:38

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 20:30

No one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Exactly this.

gamerchick · 01/12/2023 20:44

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 20:30

No one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

Aye.

He's told you all of this for a reason OP. Be ready for the homeless speech or the moving in by stealth.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/12/2023 20:49

Specso · 01/12/2023 20:23

It’s fair enough if you want to stay together and support him (in terms of advice, comfort etc) but for the love of all the gods do not marry him and end up being dragged down with him financially.

If he’s suddenly upped the talk about marriage and is being more loving than he’d usually be I’d be concerned about his motives if it was me.

I agree

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 01/12/2023 20:50

tescocreditcard · 01/12/2023 20:30

No one loves you more than a man who needs somewhere to live.

I've been there- look at my username 😔

Therealjudgejudy · 01/12/2023 21:07

Do not let him move in with you. Your responsibility is to your kids.

AutumnFroglets · 01/12/2023 21:16

But he is declaring a lot of love and suggesting he'd like to marry/live with me.

Of course he is 🙄 Nought falls faster in love than a man without a roof over his head. It's a classic.

Don't let him move in. He won't be able to pay for electric or food or the odd night down the pub unless you subsidise him. A cocklodger in the making.

EDIT - Apparently everyone was posting whilst I was typing....told you it was a classic move 😬

Original poster
DebtHeaded · 01/12/2023 23:02

Thanks for all the comments.

To be honest I'm pretty disappointed that his desire for commitment seems to be concurrent with his need for a debt solution. I would have hoped to be desired for something other than money.

Don't worry I'm happily financially independent and wouldn't risk my kids inheritance on a man.

OP posts:
altmember · 02/12/2023 00:03

But he is declaring a lot of love and suggesting he'd like to marry/live with me. Of course I've told him he needs to sort his legal/debt position before I'd consider commitment.

He might be declaring a lot of love because he's feeling insecure having just opened up about his financially perilous situation. His reaction to you telling him to sort his debts out before you'll commit should tell you all you need to know about his intentions.

RantyAnty · 02/12/2023 00:32

He just wants to use you.

LTB as he'll just drag you down.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/12/2023 00:40

You’re being very sensible. You’ve already tried to help him and he was dismissive of it. Oh well. He’s now facing the consequences of his head in the sand approach and the good news is it’s not your problem!

Tonight1 · 02/12/2023 04:03

Don't marry or live together.

Ask him to look into debt help such as a DMP.

Newnamehiwhodis · 02/12/2023 04:29

He dismissed your advice and also blamed a “financially irresponsible ex” ?
this doesn’t sound like you’re getting the true story.

I’d dump him.

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 02/12/2023 05:21

But he is declaring a lot of love and suggesting he'd like to marry/live with me.
🙄 What a surprise….not!

Deathraystare · 02/12/2023 09:18

Don't let him stay over. Not even for a single night. You will never get rid of the bugger! So transparent!

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 02/12/2023 12:23

I think you're being incredibly sensible. If he owns his own home he's likely to lose it during the Bankruptcy proceedings. If he rents, he's unlikely to be able to rent anywhere new once he's got CCJs or a Bankruptcy on his credit record.

If his debt is that bad he's likely to have not been paying his rent or mortgage. It's not unusual for a debtor to have multiple proceedings against them at once, like a Creditor's Petition and the Landlord/Mortgage Company seeking a Possession order at the same time.

Like others have said, I think his new found desire to live with you stems directly from the fact that he's realised he will shortly be homeless.

Blaming his situation on having to support his own DC, not sorting out his situation or even facing up to it and then wanting to move in with you when he's out of options. Well, nine of these would make him more attractive to me. I know what I'd be doing, I'd be ending the relationship Flowers

SiouxsieSiouxStiletto · 02/12/2023 12:25

*none of these

Dacadactyl · 02/12/2023 12:46

This would be the end for me. I'd dump him.

I'd not want a bankrupt man.

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