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Original poster

Mother in law problems

32 replies

Twoundertwoandateen · 01/12/2023 19:14

I’m writing this as I’m at my wits end with my mother in law. Since I got pregnant with my first born (now three) she has been so overbearing and horrible to me. It started when he was born saying mean things such as the pram I bought was ugly, my house wasn’t good enough for a baby, I never spend money, I don’t look after him well enough etc. She made me feel so worthless as a mum and nothing I ever did was good enough in her eyes. I got pregnant pretty quickly afterwards and she was raging - said me and her son would separate and always fight due to the stress of it all - we didn’t in fact the complete opposite we couldn’t be happier. Only thing is I went to send her a picture on my partners phone to her he has taken that morning of the babies - she was calling me names behind my back like lazy c, horrible b**, said I can’t look after my babies (I look after them 4 days a week and work 3) They have never slept over anywhere else but with me. She was making fun of me loads, saying I was an embarrassment etc and just really degrading things to my partner. He was defending me and said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. She texted me “apologising” but said I shouldn’t have went through her sons phone and that they were private messages and that’s “just her” I am completely devastated as I’ve never done anything to hurt this woman. All her family I spoke to about it said that’s just her and nothing I ever do will be good enough for her - including her own husband. I can’t stop letting it get between me and my partner though I resent him for what his mum has been saying about me (the horrible messages went on for years) He wants us to spend Boxing Day with her but I can’t bring myself to go and I know it’ll create further drama if I don’t. Can someone please give me advice it’s really getting me down :( I’m so embarrassed I can’t even tell my own family

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 01/12/2023 19:31

I'm a MIL and at first I was prepared to defend yours, until I read the whole post. The woman's rude and what she does and says is indefensible. She's probably jealous of that other woman in her son's life. I'd cut all contact with her tbh. You'll never get her to treat you with respect, especially as this has been going on for a long time. Discuss with DH and try to get him to go LC as well.

caramac04 · 01/12/2023 19:37

I would cut all contact with her. I’d be very reluctant for the dc to even see her at all but would agree to contact with DH present.
DH should properly call her out though. Anything else is enabling her and it sounds as if that has been happening for years.
She is utterly vile and unworthy of your time.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 19:41

Your husband should have cut her out of his life ages ago for treating you this way. You have a massive husband problem.

Tribblesarelovely · 01/12/2023 19:42

Your DH needs to stand up for you.

Vinrouge4 · 01/12/2023 19:48

Do not go Boxing Day. Bad behaviour shouldn’t be rewarded and she needs to learn this. Your husband is pathetic if he doesn’t stand up for you. She sounds an evil cow. Stand your ground and don’t let her bully you.

SunPlant20 · 01/12/2023 19:57

You sound like you perhaps struggle with conflict or to be assertive (sorry if I've got this wrong). Please protect yourself and your feelings and stand firm on this. Your mil has behaved despicably. She should be respectful about you, even if it's just for the sake of her son. Saying that's 'just who she is' is a ridiculous thing to say and in no way excuses how she's behaved.

I have to say you dh is also not showing himself in a good light either. He may have defended you, but he should have refused to communicate with her unless she can respect you as his wife. The fact he allowed her to continue to message those vile messages is appalling. The fact he wants you to spend Boxing Day with her after all she's said and done to his wife, shows you exactly where his loyalties are. If I were you, I'd be equally furious with him. He has seriously let you down. You are his wife and mother of his children.

Turn your hurt into anger and use it to stay strong and keep that vile woman away from you. I'd also be concerned she was saying awful things about you to your children or at least in front of them, so for that reason I don't think she should be around your kids either.

PeskyPotato · 01/12/2023 20:05

Why hasn't your husband stopped this? If the shoe was on the other foot what would you do?
I know if anyone was saying things like that about my husband they'd be cut off out of my life.

BalletBob · 01/12/2023 20:11

I would never speak with her again. I don't allow people to disrespect me like that. Neither would my children be spending time with someone who called me a cunt or a bitch. The only way that would happen would be if DH divorced me over it and took the children to see her regardless of her blatant disrespect. But my DH is a good man and very loyal, and wouldn't ever allow this situation to occur. Certainly not behind my back and without my knowledge. He would have shut it down extremely forcefully on the very first occasion and had it happened again, that would have been that. I imagine he'd have left me and the kids completely out of it and gone very LC with her himself. And NC if continued further.

So the question really is why is your DH not loyal? Why is he allowing this situation to occur and why he is allowing you to still feel any obligation to spend time with her? She's a toxic mess but you're not married to her; it's your husband who is the reason you have any relationship with this woman at all. He's not got your back.

OhGoodie · 01/12/2023 20:27

An apology doesn’t cut this one. The overt lack of any respect for you is disgusting. Whether she agrees with how you parent or not is none of her business, they are YOUR children. And if you think for a second her disrespect towards you won’t bleed through into how she talks about you to the kids you’d be sadly mistaken.

She needs to be cut out, like a toxic disease.

DH can visit her on Boxing Day, but you and the kids need to stay away. When they are old enough to pick up on this it will be incredibly distressing for them to hear their mother being badmouthed like this.

Maybe in a few years of NC she might see the consequences of her actions, but until then she just needs to go.

saraclara · 01/12/2023 20:27

Good grief. Normally I try to be scrupulously fair on MIL threads (even though I'm lucky enough to only be a MIL to sons in law). But no way should you be obliged to go to hers on Boxing Day after such a catalogue of insults.

If your DH plans to go, he can go alone or take your DC with him, while you relax on the sofa with a film and the leftover Christmas Day food.

Thepossibility · 01/12/2023 21:02

I would not be going near her again!
People are allowed to have their own personalities but she is simply not a safe person for you to have around your family with her poison.

Original poster
Twoundertwoandateen · 01/12/2023 21:09

Thank yous all so much for your replies theyve reassured me I’ve not been dramatic. I text my MIL back after a day of sitting on the reply and basically told her where to put her apology. I told her that she can abuse her own family but in my family we don’t do that and that I wouldn’t be accepting it behind my back or not. I actually feel really sorry for my husband - he’s suffered her abuse since he was a baby. She calls everyone in her family names all the time and nothing they ever do is good enough either. I think it comes from her own insecurities and jealousy and I can see her pushing everyone away around her but it seems to be a cycle of abuse for him and his siblings. When he told his brother what had happened his brother said “sure that’s just mum what do you expect” and his partner went mad saying yes but yous are used to the abuse me and her (her being me) aren’t so we find it outrageous.

OP posts:
category12 · 01/12/2023 21:10

He wants us to spend Boxing Day with her but I can’t bring myself to go and I know it’ll create further drama if I don’t.

Your partner is part of the problem - he's completely unreasonable to expect you to spend any time in her company at all.

Stand up for yourself and cut contact with MIL. If he wants to spend time with her, he goes alone.

Onceuponaheartache · 01/12/2023 21:10

Your dp was standing up for you so don't be cross with him. Ultimately he is stuck in the middle.

But you absolutely an disengage with her and refuse to have anything to do with her.

I wouldn't be letting the kids near her either as she clearly has no scruples.

Sending hugs @Twoundertwoandateen

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 21:13

If your husband would actually choose to spend Boxing Day with his horrible, abusive mother over you, I would end the marriage. On your wedding day, your husband chose you. He made a vow to be supportive and loyal to you. He is allowing his mother to come between you.

Ashbo12 · 01/12/2023 21:17

Twoundertwoandateen · 01/12/2023 19:14

I’m writing this as I’m at my wits end with my mother in law. Since I got pregnant with my first born (now three) she has been so overbearing and horrible to me. It started when he was born saying mean things such as the pram I bought was ugly, my house wasn’t good enough for a baby, I never spend money, I don’t look after him well enough etc. She made me feel so worthless as a mum and nothing I ever did was good enough in her eyes. I got pregnant pretty quickly afterwards and she was raging - said me and her son would separate and always fight due to the stress of it all - we didn’t in fact the complete opposite we couldn’t be happier. Only thing is I went to send her a picture on my partners phone to her he has taken that morning of the babies - she was calling me names behind my back like lazy c, horrible b**, said I can’t look after my babies (I look after them 4 days a week and work 3) They have never slept over anywhere else but with me. She was making fun of me loads, saying I was an embarrassment etc and just really degrading things to my partner. He was defending me and said he didn’t tell me because he didn’t want to hurt me. She texted me “apologising” but said I shouldn’t have went through her sons phone and that they were private messages and that’s “just her” I am completely devastated as I’ve never done anything to hurt this woman. All her family I spoke to about it said that’s just her and nothing I ever do will be good enough for her - including her own husband. I can’t stop letting it get between me and my partner though I resent him for what his mum has been saying about me (the horrible messages went on for years) He wants us to spend Boxing Day with her but I can’t bring myself to go and I know it’ll create further drama if I don’t. Can someone please give me advice it’s really getting me down :( I’m so embarrassed I can’t even tell my own family

You do not need to put up with this woman, she sounds like a monster! If your husband still wants contact with her, he can but you do not need any part of it! Also- your husband definitely needs some kind of reality check thinking it's ok to ask you to go spend Boxing Day with that woman, she sounds vile x

7yo7yo · 01/12/2023 21:25

Cut her out.
tell your “D”H you want no relationship with her and she can’t be around your kids either.
mum a malicious person so I would screenshot them and post on social media.
and I wouldn’t be embarrassed either. It’s a reflection of her not you.

Moveoverdarlin · 01/12/2023 21:33

It’s time this stops. She sounds absolutely fucking dreadful. Tell your partner you will not be attending on Boxing Day, families do not speak to each other like that. Why on earth would you want to spend time with her? She needs to learn.

Whatever she replies, reply with ‘Sue, that’s it, I’m done. You’ve never liked me, and you’ve won, you will never see me again. Should we see each other in town, let’s look the other way. When my partner’s mother sends reams of messages to him calling me a bitch and a cunt it’s time to draw a line don’t you think? I refuse to get in to a slagging match with you and would never use language as bad as yours, but I do think you are rotten to the core and I want to surround myself and my children with decent, loving people.’

And I suppose it’s up to your partner how he wants to play it and whether he still wants to take the grandchildren to see her. But I think you’ve been too soft and it’s time to fight back.

saraclara · 01/12/2023 21:39

It sounds as though she abused her sons since the day they were born, and so they simply can't envisage a different life.

To be honest, the fact that your DH managed to defend you at all shows an amount of courage. I was nearly 60 years old before I felt able to stand up to my mum..

Your SIL gets it. Any chance that you and she could present a united front and really get your DHs to start to recognise just how bad this is?

altmember · 01/12/2023 21:41

You can't fix this and you can't win. Only your DH can. He needs to grow some balls and stand up to her properly. That's the only way to resolve this. Or maybe he's so far under her abusive manipulation that he needs therapy?

HarrietStyles · 01/12/2023 21:46

If my parent sent me awful critical messages about my husband- I would tell them it was unacceptable and to stop. I wouldn’t accept it and I would tell them it wasn’t their place. Your husband is failing you by not stopping this as soon as it started. And you should be going NC with your MIL, she is vile.

HamBone · 01/12/2023 21:47

Aquamarine1029 · 01/12/2023 21:13

If your husband would actually choose to spend Boxing Day with his horrible, abusive mother over you, I would end the marriage. On your wedding day, your husband chose you. He made a vow to be supportive and loyal to you. He is allowing his mother to come between you.

Yes, but he’s been bullied by his Mum all his life @Aquamarine1029 and it’s v. difficult to break away from toxic parents, even if you know it’s the best thing to do. He might manage it eventually.

2jacqi · 01/12/2023 22:03

@Twoundertwoandateen he wants you to spend boxing day with her???? doing what exactly - digging her grave!!! I wouldnt be going anywhere near her house and neither would my children!! I would also expect my dp to support me and just tell her to piss off!!! she sounds a real piece of work! just go NC forever more!!

Cherrysoup · 01/12/2023 22:33

I wouldn’t be spending any time with her and I certainly wouldn’t expose my child to her poison. Saying that’s just mum is shit, your dp and his brother should not be excusing her horrible behaviour. Bloody brilliant that you messaged her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 01/12/2023 22:37

Absolutely no way would I be spending any time with anyone who called my husband names and criticised him to that extent. I appreciate your husband has been brought up with this abuse and its hard for him to feel like it's bad enough to break the cycle and go no contact, but he should accept that you don't want to see her at all. Would he voluntarily spend time with anyone else in his life that called him a cunt? I can't believe he didn't tell her to stop messaging him such awful stuff and block her!

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