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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dd is pregnant.

38 replies

sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 17:30

DD2 is pregnant. She has been in a good relationship with her partner for 4 years but the pregnancy is unplanned. She will be nearly 40 when the baby arrives and they are renting a tiny house with a lease ending in April. They will need to move.
She has never wanted a child of her own because of her mental health, having suffered two breakdowns before meeting her partner. She says she can barely look after herself let alone a child and has only recently found herself in a job she really likes with good prospects.
She (and her partner) have difficult decisions to make in the next few weeks.
I am going to stay with her soon as her partner will be away (I know, rotten timing) How can I best support her?

OP posts:
jackstini · 01/12/2023 17:35

Listen, hug her, tell you will support her whatever she decides, offer to go with her to docs if she wants
Take her out or stay in - whatever helps her most
Make sure you have support too

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 18:05

Thanks jackstini She doesn't want me to mention it to anyone at all. I had to get it off my chest so I have told one friend. My partner just says it's up to them which I know but I know I can't let her know how sad I feel for her.

OP posts:
heldinadream · 01/12/2023 18:55

So this is your time to be her rock. Whatever she decides is fine by you, broken record. You will get through this. She might well want a termination. Support.
She might decide she wants to go ahead. Again, support. You can do this.

OhComeOnFFS · 01/12/2023 18:56

That is very sad. All you can do is be there for her, no matter what she decides, but make sure she understands the repercussions of any decision. Flowers

Naptrappedmummy · 01/12/2023 18:59

I would advise her what you think she should do. But say it’s up to her and you will back her whatever she chooses. I know people will say ‘oh don’t do that, leave it entirely up to her’ but if your own mum can’t give you advice on big decisions then who can? Sometimes it’s helpful to hear opinions from people you trust rather than nothing.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 01/12/2023 19:01

@sunshinesupermum

that's tough on her, what does her partner think?

how much actual support & practical help would you be able & willing to give them long term?

I think you need to think carefully about that before you go to see her. Don't offer more than you could genuinely do long term.

GeniusDog · 01/12/2023 19:04

She doesn't want me to mention it to anyone at all. I had to get it off my chest so I have told one friend.

Stop telling people for a start. She’ll never trust you again if she finds out you have gone against her wishes and blabbed. Maybe your friend will tell just one more person and so on. Awful.

Listen and support.

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 19:15

Pinkpinkpink15 I'm 75 and not in wonderful health. We live 2 hours away from each other so long term help is not on the cards 😢 Her partner is saying he'll support her whatever she decides.
Genius Dog Thanks but I've told precisely one friend who had an abortion in her late 20s. The friend isn't going to tell anyone else! I don't intend to tell others but I also need support at what should be a happy time for us all and is just very stressful and worrying.

OP posts:
GeniusDog · 01/12/2023 19:17

The friend isn't going to tell anyone else!

Thats what your daughter thought when she told you.

spidermonkeys · 01/12/2023 19:18

GeniusDog · 01/12/2023 19:17

The friend isn't going to tell anyone else!

Thats what your daughter thought when she told you.

This is so true!

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 19:19

GeniusDog If you can't post anything helpful and empathetic please don't post any more on my thread. Thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 19:21

Same goes for you spidermonkeys I am listening to my daughter and not suggesting what her options are as she has a midwife to explain these to her. If I want to offload to a friend I will do so.

OP posts:
IStartWhereYouEnd · 01/12/2023 19:30

I agree with posters about you telling your friend. Your daughter has asked you not to tell anyone. Don’t betray her trust again. I’d be gutted and not trust the person again if I found out they had gone against my wishes. If

All you can do is listen, support and be realistic about the struggles she’s had in the past.

Crepesuzetteforone · 01/12/2023 19:30

Sorry your daughter is going through this.

fwiw, I agree with other pps who say that sometimes giving your opinion can be helpful ( if it’s based on what you think is best for your daughter). I’d want my mum to give her honest opinion about what having a kid is like, for example. As long as it’s caveated with the reassurance that you’ll support her no matter what, and there’s no wrong decision here.

It may be that deep down, she wants to be a mother but is worried about the implications for her mental health. Alternatively, she may feel guilt about terminating and having someone understand her reasons might make her feel better.
Whatever decision she takes it may impact on her mental health, so maybe it’s better to focus on how she gets support for that, whatever she decides.

maybe worth researching what mental health support is available in her area ( sadly will probably be limited)

HamBone · 01/12/2023 19:32

That’s so difficult, OP. As PP’s have said, all you can do is listen to her and give your opinion if she asks for it.

Given her fragile MH and having grown up myself with a parent with poor MH (my Dad) she may have to make a difficult decision-unless her partner is willing/able to shoulder most of the parenting responsibilities? It doesn’t sound as if she’ll be able to cope unless he does.

StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest · 01/12/2023 19:47

Your daughter had confided in you and you’ve gone against what she’s asked by telling a friend. As someone who had a mum who did this about another issue, please stop.

Listen to her, let her know you will support her but be honest about the challenges of having a baby with her MH issues. If my daughter said she struggled to even look after herself, I’d be thinking a termination was in everyone’s best interest.

Changednayme · 01/12/2023 19:51

40 is old enough to be a grandma. Just be there for her

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 19:55

crepesuzetteforone thank you. The issue of talking about my own experience wouldn't be helpful to her. She has already asked if I suffered anxiety and depression when I was pregnant. I didn't. I can give an honest opinion but knowing her fragile mental state (where she reverts to being an angry teenager iswim) and panics. She worries about me dying, bringing s child into a terrible world etc.
She is getting good mental health support now.

OP posts:
Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 19:59

I am 75. DD will be 40 when/if the baby arrives Changednayme

It's my opinion that a termination will be best too
StoleABibleAndShaggedThePriest

OP posts:
momonpurpose · 01/12/2023 19:59

heldinadream · 01/12/2023 18:55

So this is your time to be her rock. Whatever she decides is fine by you, broken record. You will get through this. She might well want a termination. Support.
She might decide she wants to go ahead. Again, support. You can do this.

I agree with this OP. And just the fact that you are wondering how to best support her shows you are a wonderful caring mum. She is lucky to have you. Which ever way it goes I wish you all the best

Original poster
sunshinesupermum · 01/12/2023 20:03

Thank you heldinadream that's what I needed to hear x
And thanks too to momonpurpose you are very kind x

OP posts:
SummerDawn2000 · 01/12/2023 20:14

@sunshinesupermum I’m so sorry for your Dd and I’m sorry for you.

Surround her with support and listen. If she wants that and act accordingly to what is best for her.

im so sorry for your Dd. This is so shit.

SummerDawn2000 · 01/12/2023 20:15

@sunshinesupermum also you sound like a lovely warm mum. Exactly what she might need now.

LeRougeEtLeNoir · 01/12/2023 20:34

I’d ask her if she wants your opinion before telling her your views @sunshinesupermum
Yes knowing what you’d do or what you think can be helpful. It can also feel like pressure or a criticism.
So I’d ask first.

The fact you mention ‘what should be a really happy time’ makes me think you’d actually love your dd to have a child. And that, at least, part of you is grieving the fact it might never be a good idea fir your dd.
Again, I’d be very careful if your dd can get a hint if those feelings. They are understandable. And so is your worry fur her and her MH. But that’s not for your dd to carry or know iyswim

Sugargliderwombat · 01/12/2023 20:50

OhComeOnFFS · 01/12/2023 18:56

That is very sad. All you can do is be there for her, no matter what she decides, but make sure she understands the repercussions of any decision. Flowers

She doesn't need her mum explaining the repercussions she's 39. She knows. Just be there for her.

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