What happens to the house when you decide to separate?

[FLOWER1982]

Just as the title says.. what happens you are married with kids, have a mortgage and decide to split? I work part time, would struggle to pay everything on my own. Would I need to move out and buy/rent somewhere else? Is it normal to carry on living in the house without dh? I don’t think I can afford to buy him out and not sure how reasonable he would be if I told him I didn’t want to be together. Anyone been in a similar situation or can advise? Thanks!

There is no standard answer. It's whatever arrangement you and your spouse/partner come up with.

Generally courts prefer a clean break - sell the house and split the equity.

Then your ex would be liable for paying child maintenance.

You couldn't force him to actually pay the mortgage so could you afford that on your own. If the answer is no then you'll have no option but to sell.

Financial arrangements on getting divorced vary hugely so it will depend largely on what you and your ex can agree on.
You wouldn't necessarily expect to stay on in the family home.
If you have children and the arrangement is that most of the their time is with you - then you may find you would be able to have a higher percentage of the assets - which might make the remainder affordable for you.
If you decide to share the child care 5/50 then assests would be divided half each. either of you can decide to buy the other one out of the house if that affordable - but if neither of you can afford to do that then the house will have to be sold and equity divided between you.

In my divorce neither of us could afford the family home alone - so it had to be sold. Broke my heart at the time - but I've moved on an now happy in my smaller house - as its all mine.#

If you are seriously considering a split - talk to a solicitor.

You need a soliciter asap as the worse off person here

You are married so this means UK law applies plus a fuck ton of hope and negotiation

ps you need to seriously consider working FT
there is only ever going to be so much money post selling house and from him

You agree with your ex what the plan moving forward is. If you can't agree then the judge decides.

Depending on children's ages you may be expected to work full time. It’s incredibly rare that you’d stay in the house with your ex funding it. Normally one buys the other out or you sell and buy each. Or rent if not enough equity/buying power.

If you have 50/50 custody then usually no maintenance is paid but you each cover costs on your days.

50/50 can be quite hard to do in practice though, it’s a lot if back and forth for kids so not always best depending on the geography and ages.

Thanks everyone, lots to consider.

Did anyone ever regret splitting? He’s not a bad person just not in love with him. Breaks my heart thinking of my kids doing this.

No. Not for a second. Just regret not doing it sooner.

Sounds tough, but also worth thinking about the fact that love is a verb not a feeling. Unless you are continually investing in a relationship then people grow apart, but it doesn’t have to be that way.

No one else’s experience is relevant, some will say it’s best thing they ever did some will say they regret splitting.

I think when you have kids you have to
give it everything you’ve got. Obviously not if there is any kind of abuse, however “minor”. But otherwise you have to try absolutely everything.

I’m not anti divorce at all, but I do think people do give up too easily.

My parents have been back together (but divorced) longer than they were married. They are your classic cautionary tale that the grass is not always greener.

One of my oldest friends left her marriage because she didn’t love him, she isn’t sure she made the right decision. He moved on but she hasn’t and she is no happier-just in a different way.

But I have other friends that it definitely worked out well for. But it does huge damage to kids either way.

No, divorce does not do huge damage to the kids. I am so cross with this lie which is often trotted out, at the expense of women's happiness.

Well my brother and I are damaged and so is DH and his siblings.

Shit marriages damage children and so does divorce. Ask any psychologist- nothing like that leaves no trace I’m afraid.

Right. So what you meant was - 'my parents divorce damaged us'. What you accidentally implied was that all divorced damage all children which is firstly, nonsense, and secondly, how on earth would you know? So, I'll counter your anecdote with my own experience and that of my siblings - our parents should absolutely have got divorced rather than force us to all live in a miserable household together.

Divorce is an ACE (Adverse Childhood Experience), of course it is damaging for children!

'That many divorces may make them seem routine, even normal, but their prevalence is exactly what makes it such a serious threat to the healthy mental and physical development of children. Divorce or separation of the parents is one of the ten adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) most commonly screened for if there is a suspicion of trauma.'

muirwoodteen.com/teen-mental-health/divorce/

Obviously living in a household where these is abuse is incredibly damaging for children, and divorce is often the best move, but let's not pretend that children aren't affected by it.

Sometimes divorce is necessary absolutely, shit marriages are traumatic for kids. Divorce is traumatic- there’s no winners sometimes.If you have children with the wrong person you will fuck them up to some extent.

The Mumsnet LTB brigade conveniently forgets that and makes out divorce is the recipe for Happy Ever After. Rarely is for the kids actually.

I think that is the crux of what the op needs to bear in mind. It isn't divorce vs a wonderful happy marriage. It's divorce vs an unhappy marriage with two people who aren't in love.

Oh and how do I know? Many years at uni studying child psychology (UG and PG). I no longer work in that area but I am very well read on the subject and work with adults in HE that are living the effects. After learning differences it’s the most common thing we speak to students about.

That's interesting. I know not many people have turned up on this thread yet, but I've been on mn 20 years, and overwhelmingly, on a thread about divorce vs unhappy marriage, the responses from the now adult but once dc, will overwhelmingly say that they wish their parents had not stayed together for the sake of the dc.

We were both advised by our lawyers to stay in the house right through to the bitter end of the divorce process and finances being settled. I earned 10x what he did so could afford to buy him out and he couldn't so I stayed here and he got vast amounts of money to buy a new house for cash - at the point the cash hit his account, remortgage had gone through etc he moved out.

Every case is different and where there is a much lower earner who does not work full time (in our case we both worked full time) a clean break may not be best for her/him and instead spousal maintenance may be paid as well as child maintenance.

Have to agree with @AlltheFs

I'm divorced - not my choice. I'm dealing with a very angry primary schooler at the moment. She said to me the other day that there was no point in her ever getting married because "they'll just leave like daddy did" despite my assurances that not all men are like that. She is developing a very warped idea of relationships, what role a man has in a family and so on despite my best efforts.

But in answer to the OP - if you want the house then you'll need to work full time and buy him out otherwise it will need to be sold. If he goes for 50/50 custody then he isn't obliged to pay CMS at all.

I wouldn't want my kids to have to move house if I left. So I would set a deadline for my youngest being 18 for her to buy the house off me, which would be over 9 years. If at that point she wasn't able to buy it then I would expect her to sell it and move. It would hamper me moving on but only to an extent because it isn't a big mortgage. I'm in the north.

Every situation is different.

It seems clear to me that kids can be affected by unhappy marriages just as much as divorce. YES happily married parents is of course the ideal, but if you’re not happy I think divorce can be the best thing for everyone.

No one is weighing a happy marriage against divorce, or they wouldn’t be considering divorce in the first place!

The other thing is that I think parents these days have learnt to be much more considerate of children’s feelings, so the amicable separations that do happen are being compared to terrible acrimonious situations of the past (and present!), again a false comparison.

OP it’s very important to get legal advice, lots has changed even in the past ten years or so in terms of who gets the house etc. Courts now tend to favour a clean break and 50/50 (if wanted). So the house would likely be sold.