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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated and don't know what to do..... advice please

34 replies

Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 10:27

Morning everyone, hoping for some advice as I just cant think straight at the moment. Sorry for the long post

I met a guy around 8 months ago, completely unexpected, wasn't looking as in the middle of a marriage break up, and he'd literally just come out of a relationship too.

Long story short, I've completely fallen for him, like nothing I've felt before. He's told me he loves me, misses me, wants me to be in his future and part of his children's life. We get on so well in all areas.

He is also in a bit of a situation at the minute and I think he may be a little depressed around trying to juggle life etc having issues with his daughter.

Its all been fine but I felt him pulling away, not texting as much and stupidly I think I've put too much pressure on him and he ended up saying he needed a break. We only see each other once a month as we live a long way apart.

The same day he text me about the break, he messaged me saying he felt so sad. He said he didn't want to end it but he feels he's not enough for me, cant give me the time and attention I need because of his kids situation and work, distance etc. he then asked for a call the next night and he said he was stressed the day before and he still wants me to come to see him next week.

The texting/contact has just about completely stopped though.

Do I go, does this sound like the end or am I overthinking. I feel terrible, cant eat, sleep, shaking I've never felt like this before I don't know how to stop it :-(
I'm worried he says this is our last time seeing each other then having to do a 4 hour drive home absolutely devastated

OP posts:
appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 10:29

Definitely don't see him. He's messing you around. Just leave it. I am sorry :(

Sexlivesofthepotatomen · 01/12/2023 10:29

Why can't he come to you?

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 10:31

Can he not come see you?

IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 01/12/2023 10:32

Get him to come to you?

Original poster
Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 10:35

appallingadvice · 01/12/2023 10:29

Definitely don't see him. He's messing you around. Just leave it. I am sorry :(

this is what im worrying about :-(

OP posts:
LemonTT · 01/12/2023 10:36

Don’t go and see him.

He isn’t that into you. A child and a job aren’t going away. They are things people can manage and still have a full adult relationship. Not a once a month commitment.

He wasn’t giving you what you want anyway. He’s not depressed he just had low energy. That won’t change. He can’t manage his life and he is inconsistent.

let it go.

Original poster
Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 10:36

We are going to his works party so its not just a normal meet up

OP posts:
Opentooffers · 01/12/2023 10:39

No, it was far fetched from the start - how did you meet? Beware of the 1st relationship soon after a long one has ended. They can affect you like this, upset a lot, but don't take it as him being great or that you are soo in love, it's because you've latched on too soon without processing your past entanglement. There really won't be anything special about him although it seems it to you.
Match the effort you receive- not much in this case, never go out of your way to make it too easy for someone to see you.

Valid8me · 01/12/2023 10:40

I would just end this personally and chalk it up to experience. It isn't working.

If you only see each other once a month and only met 8 months ago, you can count on your fingers the number of times you have seen each other in person.

How did you see this working in the long-term? A 4 hour drive is a long way! I assume that he wouldn't be moving to you due to his daughter so were you planning on moving to closer to him?

I do know people who lived 4 hours apart and made the relationship work but they saw each other every week - taking it in turns to do the drive up/down the motorway. Once a month wouldn't have been enough.

WinterNamechange · 01/12/2023 10:40

Ahh sorry OP, sounds like he is a love-bomber and has moved on. If he really wanted to be with you, there would be no obstacles that could keep him away.

UpUpUpU · 01/12/2023 10:43

This isn’t going anywhere OP I am afraid.

4 hours is ridiculously far. My boyfriend is 40 minutes away and that seems too far sometimes.

I’d just tell him it’s not going to work for you and move in with your life. I don’t believe you can live somebody after meeting a handful of times.

Take care, life is shit sometimes.

Original poster
Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 10:43

Opentooffers · 01/12/2023 10:39

No, it was far fetched from the start - how did you meet? Beware of the 1st relationship soon after a long one has ended. They can affect you like this, upset a lot, but don't take it as him being great or that you are soo in love, it's because you've latched on too soon without processing your past entanglement. There really won't be anything special about him although it seems it to you.
Match the effort you receive- not much in this case, never go out of your way to make it too easy for someone to see you.

we met on holiday....... i know how this sounds :-( !!!!
I feel so stupid for getting myself in this position

OP posts:
IDontLoveTheWayYouLie · 01/12/2023 10:44

You need to move on x

Original poster
Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 10:45

Valid8me · 01/12/2023 10:40

I would just end this personally and chalk it up to experience. It isn't working.

If you only see each other once a month and only met 8 months ago, you can count on your fingers the number of times you have seen each other in person.

How did you see this working in the long-term? A 4 hour drive is a long way! I assume that he wouldn't be moving to you due to his daughter so were you planning on moving to closer to him?

I do know people who lived 4 hours apart and made the relationship work but they saw each other every week - taking it in turns to do the drive up/down the motorway. Once a month wouldn't have been enough.

We've kind of shared the travelling sometimes hes come to me vice versa then we've done other stuff all over the place. We was going to get this year out of the way then start looking at how we can see each other more. I can work from anywhere but he cant so i was hoping we'd get to the point where i would stay at his more often then look at moving in the future

OP posts:
Towwanthustice · 01/12/2023 10:46

You need to be single for a while to heal.
You are both on the rebound and are going to end up getting very hurt

Livinghappy · 01/12/2023 10:52

I met a guy around 8 months ago, completely unexpected, wasn't looking as in the middle of a marriage break up

The pain you are experiencing is probably a result of unresolved pain from marriage ending and the new relationship masked the loss of a marriage/distraction of practicalities of a divorce. It isn't healthy to have become so dependent so quickly, especially when there is distance involved as assume the relationship was mostly carried out remotely.

Take a breathe, don't do anything, don't chase. Feel the feelings and know that you will get through this.

something2say · 01/12/2023 11:01

My view is that both of you are facing monumental changes right now and he is not wrong to feel chastened by the extent of them, and worried, and feeling bad that he has all this stuff to get right in the next year or so.

I'd give him that space but I bet he'll be back. You would then have a good few years of navigating how he would parent effectively while seeing you, and if he did not parent well, you would lose regard for him, so that does stand before you as a thing to get right.

It doesn't look great from that stand point. But I know how sad this reality will make you.

Take it easy though, come down easy, and let things settle YOUR end too - YOU need to do right in your exit scenario too - and if you can bear the heartbreaking suggestion, I'm having an excellent time internet dating right now, and you could too, with hot men who live a lot closer and are a lot freer to see you.....x

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 01/12/2023 11:25

Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 10:36

We are going to his works party so its not just a normal meet up

I am very cynical - but I would be suspicious that his apparent change of heart and asking you to go ahead with this planned visit is so that he has a partner at the works do. And he'll then finish it "properly" once you've gone home again.

Even if that's not the case, I think once someone has said "I think we need to take a break", then you need to take a break. Not carry on with the fun sex bits but drop the every day communication. "Taking a break" does not equal "relegate to fuck buddy status".

Ansjovis · 01/12/2023 11:37

Don't go. You're in pain and nothing is going to stop that as you've had a rough year with your marriage ending and now this. However, you can choose the shortest path to healing by refusing to allow yourself to be treated this way. It's either that or increase the pain by allowing him to blow hot and cold indefinitely.

AnotherEmma · 01/12/2023 11:47

Do you have children?

Original poster
Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 11:49

AnotherEmma · 01/12/2023 11:47

Do you have children?

yes i have a teenager

OP posts:
gamerchick · 01/12/2023 11:51

Long way to go to satisfy someone's sexual needs OP.

You'll leave that last time feeling worse than you do now. Please don't go.

Ragruggers · 01/12/2023 11:54

I don’t think the works do will be much fun for you.Why bother.Just agree to the break and take time to reflect and rest.I doubt you will hear from him again.Look after yourself and your child.

AnotherEmma · 01/12/2023 12:08

Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 11:49

yes i have a teenager

Show quote history

OK so I'm assuming your idea about moving to be with him was for several years down the line when teenager has left home.

I'm sorry that it's not worked out, but realistically, the 4 hour distance when you both have children would have been too difficult I think. Probably best to end it now before you are in any deeper, painful though it is.

Agree with PPs that you shouldn't go to his work Christmas party. If you want to meet again for "closure" perhaps do it halfway - but I'm not sure how helpful that will be. Might be best just to leave it.

Once you have licked your wounds you might feel able to reflect on the positives, you've enjoyed your time with him and now you know you can find love again after ending your marriage.

If you haven't had any therapy/counselling yet I strongly advise you to do some. You need to allow yourself time and space to heal before your next relationship.

Original poster
Justsurfing · 01/12/2023 12:43

Thanks for all of the responses I really appreciate it. Think I need to put my big girl pants on and rip the plaster clean off :-(
I'm now dreading my future, I don't think I'll trust again, the things he has said to me, the way he's looked at me..... can't get my head around it !
I think the suggestion of therapy was a good one, I'm going to look into it x

OP posts: