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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Clares Law Disclosure

31 replies

movingon47 · 01/12/2023 01:23

Hi

I was involved in a relationship with a very abusive man, the police contacted me and asked me to go in for a chat. I went and met a lovely CID officer from the protection hub.

He asked me general questions about the relationship and seemed concerned for me and was fab and said he would call me once he had done more searching. About 2 weeks later my DA support worker contacted me and said something had come up and we made an appointment.

Both the officer and my DA SW were amazing, chatting for 30 minutes, he even pointed out I looked about 7 stone and had a stress looking rash all over my face. He then said OK I have to record this and gave me my disclosure on my current, whom I had had removed from my house 2 before, as he was kicking off again.

Basically it said

He is known to the police

In 2017 he was prosecuted for DA, including punching, kicking, slapping, pulling hair, dragging by hair etc.

Over the years there have been numerous incidents and callouts from a number of women, concerning this individual, all of a DA nature, no charges were pursed.

The CPS and relevant service consider this individual a danger to women.

When that last sentence came out, I went cold, my SW said she was watching my face and it was horrified.

I am now no contact, thousands of pounds down, but myself and my dogs are becoming happy again and it's only been 5 days, 4 days since the disclosure. I now know it wasn't me, it wasn't my fault; I tried so hard, I was so and still an exhausted.

I implore anyone, anyone in a relationship and it is hard in anyway or about to get into one, do a Clares Law. In the future, any prospective partner I have, I will explain and ask if he minds me doing one. I'm hoping the right guy will understand my need for this and be fine with it.

I need a little support as I keep getting tempted to make contact again and I don't understand why??

OP posts:
LadyLolaRuben · 01/12/2023 02:00

Don't make contact OP, this man might kill a woman at some point, dont let it be you. Stay away for the sake of your poor dogs if nothing else. You've all had a lucky escape. Resist the urge to make contact like your life depends on it, because it does. Hes just a bad habit. Every day you make no contact is a day closer to your dream life.

Personally, I would never tell someone I was doing a claires law check on them. They don't need to know and it puts you at risk.

Use this time you have away from your abusive ex to rest and recover. Get your strength back. Get rid of the stress rash and watch your doggos relax.

Newnamehiwhodis · 01/12/2023 03:29

Take care of yourself, OP, it’s early days yet. Just be very very strong and if you want to contact him, just go write a letter and burn it (do NOT send it.) just to get your feelings and thoughts out.
imagine it’s life and death - because it very well may be - and If that isn’t enough, imagine then that he will harm your dogs, and you need to protect the innocent. You are innocent in this too, but if you can’t protect yourself, at least get very fierce about protecting your dogs who trust you.
this man is a menace and I’m so glad you found out.

one step at a time - you’ve got this !

Original poster
movingon47 · 06/12/2023 03:08

Thank you for your replies, they really help me when I am feeling weak! I am still no contact and using my DA support worker. I start groups after xmas, she thinks I will be great in the group setting!

OP posts:
octoberfarm · 06/12/2023 03:31

You're doing brilliantly, OP. I hope you're really proud of yourself for keeping up the no contact - I would be! You deserve so, so much more than him. You just have to keep moving forward Flowers

RedHelenB · 06/12/2023 03:35

Would Clara's law have helped you though, given that you are wanting to get back into contact even though you know what a piece of shit he is first hand,?

jeaux90 · 06/12/2023 06:56

Do you mean you are starting group counselling? That's really good if so. I had counselling after leaving an abusive relationship, it really helped.

Stay no contact. He could easily escalate and kill a woman next time.

Bookworm20 · 06/12/2023 09:58

Would Clara's law have helped you though, given that you are wanting to get back into contact even though you know what a piece of shit he is first hand,?

I think, yes, it would have helped. had she known this at the start and before any affection for him was formed it would be much easier to walk away. Once feeling srae involved, its isn't so clear cut.

OP, do not contact him. As an pp said, write a letter of everything you want to say and then burn it. Don't send it.
You are doing great. Just keep reminding yourself what was disclosed. he is a danger to women. Keep yourself safe, no man is worth putting yourself in that position.

Original poster
movingon47 · 06/12/2023 12:55

Of course it helped. I left the relationship

OP posts:
Newestname002 · 06/12/2023 13:54

movingon47 · 06/12/2023 12:55

Of course it helped. I left the relationship

I'm glad you are out of this abusive relationship OP, and getting the help you need. You may well, from time to time, wonder whether he may change for the better and whether you couldn't be the one to keep him from reverting to his true character. If you do, reread your thread and remember how bad you felt, how bad he treated you and how concerned the police and SW were about you.

Also:

In the future, any prospective partner I have, I will explain and ask if he minds me doing one. I'm hoping the right guy will understand my need for this and be fine with it.

Please do not forewarn anyone that you are making enquiries about them. You leave yourself vulnerable in doing this - it's like giving a stalker your address. You wouldn't do that, would you? 🌹

Original poster
movingon47 · 06/12/2023 20:04

Thank you. It is hard sometimes, I wonder if he’s ok etc and worry about him. My last few months have been all about him and his needs. My friend said it’s just a bad habit and it will pass. The Clare’s Law pretty much gave me the strength to end it and not go back. But all you said is right. Thanks x

OP posts:
Original poster
movingon47 · 16/12/2023 01:39

I saw him in the town and was very in control of myself and wasn't bothered by him and told him as much. However, he has drawn me into a conversation the last 3 days and now I'm feeling crap and weak.

OP posts:
Chickmad · 16/12/2023 01:55

Please for the sake of you and your dogs, cut contact with this man.

He has the potential to kill you!

He will not change. He will not become a better person.

You deserve nothing but love and respect and to be cherished by a partner. He cannot offer you any of these things, though he might make declarations of love etc, he does not have the capacity for it or he would not have behaved as he did.

You got out. Please, please stay out! It will be hard in the beginning but it will get easier. Please stop letting him suck you back in!

WilloTheWispy · 16/12/2023 01:57

You need to block him on all forms of social media, and contact, eg email too.
And then delete his number so you can’t contact him.

Read what you found out, and remember who he is. He is a highly unpleasant and dangerous man.

And, as a PP said, if in the future you do get involved with someone else, absolutely do not tell them you are going to do Clare’s Law on them. Just go and do it.

WilloTheWispy · 16/12/2023 01:58

And if you see him in town again don’t speak to him. Have no communication with him whatsoever. Just don’t get drawn back in at all.
(Easier said than done, I know. But you can do this!)

Original poster
movingon47 · 16/12/2023 03:07

Thank you, I know you are right, I have been so stupid! I was sort of on a high after I saw him, as I was lording it a bit! He is the most unpleasant man I have ever known and I only have to look at his young adult children to see the damage he has caused them and continues to do!

He was using my dogs too, saying tell them I miss them and have not abandoned them. I thought why would they think you've abandoned them, they know they are my dogs, it's always been just me and them. I bred them, it's always been the same with my dogs for 30 years. I never trusted him around them alone. 3 of my dogs were in the vets within weeks of seeing him, odd things. I know my dogs, I've bred them lines for 30 years and I breed for health , temperament and good working conformation, so for 30 years, all my dogs have been very healthy, never sick or nervous. My eldest bitch never relaxed in the evenings, she stayed by me and was shaky. She's chilled, playful and stupid again now he's gone! I really do think he hit her or something when she ended up at the vets.

A bit of good news, the local DA service I used, are going to give me some training after I've done the Freedom course, which i start in Jan. I will not speak to him again!

Thank you I appreciated your words x

OP posts:
Original poster
movingon47 · 16/12/2023 03:08

Highly unpleasant and dangerous, you have him spot on, thank you for that, it's reminded me of how unpleasant he really is, most of the time. He's vile!

OP posts:
Original poster
movingon47 · 16/12/2023 03:11

Thank you, it is hard just to turn of feelings, I go from hating him, to feeling sorry for him, when I saw him, he repulsed me, visually and I was egger to get away from him. Then today I start having intense feelings for him again, it's so confusing. It helps coming on here.

OP posts:
BurntOutGirl · 16/12/2023 03:41

When you start with the feelings for him.... just remember your dogs and the sort of life they'd have if you allow him back.

flowerchild2000 · 16/12/2023 03:52

I wish we had a Claire's Law in the US. I'm afraid to date because you just never know what you're going to get until it's too late. And I had an abusive and neglected childhood so I try to fix the past with present/future relationships. Even knowing that and doing many years of therapy it's still kind of scary.

As far as your wishywashy feelings for him, you might be trauma bonded to him, or maybe had a subconscious thing stemming from childhood (like I do!) You just need to get distracted by something else. Stay busy, make new friends, try a new coffeeshop, get a new job, like anything to keep yourself away from him.

brainworms · 16/12/2023 03:58

I had to do a Clare's Law request back in 2021 for someone I met on tinder.

It turns out he was on heavy drugs but managed to mask it for a bit until he couldn't anymore, and exploded. He got so violent.

The police told me tbings about him that make absolute sense, and I spent time missing him and wanting him back, but I didn't cave in, even when it was so hard I thought I would.

He owes me money too, but I will probably never see that again. He also threatened my dog with awful things.

Keep yourself safe and far away from him. You deserve to be free of that monster.

Chickmad · 16/12/2023 04:10

Animals know.

Midnightgrey · 16/12/2023 04:36

Don't tell him anything - you've just confirmed you still have the dogs and he could get to you through them. He does not mean you well. In future, cross the road to avoid him. You are not responsible for his wellbeing. I can tell you that he is trying to keep you on the backburner while looking for a new victim. There is no getting the last word with these types of men - just cutting contact completely.

Concentrate on getting some decent meals to get your weight up. Unless you are very tiny, you must be very underweight at 7 stone. You deserve better than this oafish abuser when even the police are warning you off. He is not fixable and none of the previous women he abused previously fixed him either. I bet none of those women are currently hanging around now, are they? Or, if they are, more fools them. Concentrate on taking care of yourself and your dogs. Can your social worker help you with getting your locks changed as a precaution?

Newestname002 · 16/12/2023 09:27

@movingon47

He was using my dogs too, saying tell them I miss them and have not abandoned them. I thought why would they think you've abandoned them, they know they are my dogs, it's always been just me and them. I bred them, it's always been the same with my dogs for 30 years. I never trusted him around them alone. 3 of my dogs were in the vets within weeks of seeing him, odd things. I know my dogs, I've bred them lines for 30 years and I breed for health , temperament and good working conformation, so for 30 years, all my dogs have been very healthy, never sick or nervous. My eldest bitch never relaxed in the evenings, she stayed by me and was shaky. She's chilled, playful and stupid again now he's gone! I really do think he hit her or something when she ended up at the vets.

Remember this whenever you feel you're having a wobble about this man. 🌹

Original poster
movingon47 · 16/12/2023 12:14

No none of them, the one that prosecuted him, actually reached out to me and she moved far away from the city. She had no reason to do that, she is now married and was a week of having a baby! She left almost 7 years ago and is now happy. She was really lovely, I actually said to him, please stop slagging your ex off.

My ex (real ex), we split 14 yrs ago, we were together 10 years and yes we argued, but nothing like with the violent one. Him and I are still really close and I phoned him for support and thanked him for showing me what it was like to be loved right and get out of this relationship with the dangerous one. My proper ex was great and knows me very well, apart from myself, he knows me better than anyone and his life has fallen into chaos. But the honesty is pure, I ask him, how you doing? He says drinking too much, taking drugs again, but are you ok? He never took drugs with me, but the last 2 years of our relationship, he got into coke! I hate the stuff, it robbed me of him and our life we had planned. But he's never done anything to me bad, even when we split, all the money (a lot) was split. He could have done one with all of it, but he didn't! He's decent, despite falling into a rut!

The recent dangerous ex, wow he bled me dry, I thought I had that again, like above, but with a man that has done his drugs and learnt like myself that they are the past. I have not done any since I was 22, I am now 47. But I didn't, in fact, the dangerous ex, was probably the one that was supplying my proper ex with coke back in the day! A friend of mine, her daughter 20 yrs now, got on coke, her boyfriend killed himself, was in trouble with police and debt. I have helped her and her mum, she's back home with her mum now and clean. She said thankgod you're away from him, he's the biggest, worst cokehead around. He's vile, he's always with young girls, taking them down to his level!

I felt sick, he knows that is everything I hate in men, sad drunk middle aged men, cokeheads that can only get little young girls, as real women like myself soon suss them out and leave! I am impossible to control, I am independent, own houses, cars, horses, dogs, business that pays for it all. I don't need a man, I have a great family and friends and always tell people I am truly blessed in life!

You all are another blessing, thank you all so much for your support, it is needed and appreciated.

OP posts:
WilloTheWispy · 16/12/2023 12:54

Newestname002 · 16/12/2023 09:27

@movingon47

He was using my dogs too, saying tell them I miss them and have not abandoned them. I thought why would they think you've abandoned them, they know they are my dogs, it's always been just me and them. I bred them, it's always been the same with my dogs for 30 years. I never trusted him around them alone. 3 of my dogs were in the vets within weeks of seeing him, odd things. I know my dogs, I've bred them lines for 30 years and I breed for health , temperament and good working conformation, so for 30 years, all my dogs have been very healthy, never sick or nervous. My eldest bitch never relaxed in the evenings, she stayed by me and was shaky. She's chilled, playful and stupid again now he's gone! I really do think he hit her or something when she ended up at the vets.

Remember this whenever you feel you're having a wobble about this man. 🌹

This @movingon47
Copy it and put it on your phone notes or text it to yourself. It’s such good advice.
If you weaken, think of what he likely did did to your dogs. The shitbag.
That’s great news re the DA service training BTW.
Onwards and Upwards.

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