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Original poster

AIBU to object to divorce terms

49 replies

jdog80 · 30/11/2023 14:57

I'm hoping to get some honest opinions.

I split with my ex 2 years ago. We had been married for 10 years and have two children both are neurodiverse. For years, my ex worked part time and I worked full-time as I earnt more. When we split, my ex moved out and started working full-time to earn more money. Our divorce is close to being finalised but I am still unhappy with the agreement!

  • Ex gets 50% of the equity from our house.
  • Ex has children for 25% of the week. He works shifts so this majorly impacts my ability to work around his hours so I have dropped to part-time.
  • Ex pays me child maintenance. He says he is on minimum wage so this is not a huge amount of money.
  • Ex can't do any more childcare because he has a second job that he does on the side (i.e. undeclared earnings). I have no idea how much he makes from this!
  • House prices have gone up where I live and with the hike in interest rates, I can no longer afford to buy him out and take on the mortgage alone. He has said he wants the children to stay in that house and not to have to downsize however he is not willing to delay the sale and wants his equity asap.

If I bring anything up, he says that splitting up was my decision so I have to just put up with it.

I am so stressed and just want the divorce to be over and done with. However, I am getting more and more resentful about how unfair this seems! Is it?? Or do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:
ElevenSeven · 30/11/2023 15:18

What kind of terms are you hoping for?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/11/2023 15:20

What does your solicitor think? What alternative are you suggesting?

Original poster
jdog80 · 30/11/2023 15:27

I think that as I am being expected to keep the house going I should be enabled to do that. I can't do it all - work part-time, provide more childcare, take over the entire mortgage.

My suggestions were allowing me to keep the house until our youngest is 18 (then selling, remortgaging etc) or him increasing to 50% time responsible for the children (so I can work full-time).

He refuses to get a solicitor so I end up spending loads of money instructing mine and he just replies to any requests saying "No".

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 30/11/2023 15:30

How old are your children and can they cope with childcare
Can you sell the house and get a smaller one
does he have a solicitor

parietal · 30/11/2023 15:31

You should not have to fit your job and childcare around his shifts. If you have 75% of childcare that should be fixed days so you can sort nanny or after school club and work full time. He has to sort his own childcare for his own shift work.

Original poster
jdog80 · 30/11/2023 15:37

They are 9 and 11. They can cope with childcare but it's proving a bit tricky to find a solution now my eldest is at secondary school.

I 100% agree that he should agree to fixed days and sort childcare but he doesn't agree and will not do this. I don't know how I can force this issue other than go to court.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 30/11/2023 15:42

If I bring anything up, he says that splitting up was my decision so I have to just put up with it.

That's not how the courts see it.

Go for 50/50 (fixed schedule). His shifts aren't your problem.
He can't dictate that the kids have to stay in that house but also dictate the pace of sale.

If he needs to put the kids in childcare while he's working on his contact time That's for him to fund. You could point out to him that if he insists the court may want to know why and he'd hardly be able to explain it's because he's evading tax.

ElevenSeven · 30/11/2023 15:52

No one will expect you to keep the house going. It’s very common now for neither party to be able to keep the family home; house is sold and proceeds are split to fund two smaller properties - courts can decide the split if you can’t agree.

Epidote · 30/11/2023 15:56

Don't allow him pick and choose. Discuss a standard settlement with your solicitor and go for it.

Quartz2208 · 30/11/2023 15:59

You are giving him power - I assume mediation is a no or been tried. If not go to court

can you afford somewhere if you sell

Original poster
jdog80 · 30/11/2023 16:06

I have given him way too much power because I felt guilty. But the situation is just unmanageable and unfair.

Yes, I could afford a house if I downsized.

I have suggested mediation but that was a no as well. He doesn't agree with having to pay out for anything because the divorce was not his choice.

OP posts:
MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/11/2023 16:11

He doesn't get to dictate that you should stay in the family home if he is expecting you to cover all of the costs of that. If he wants his equity now, the property will have to be sold so that you can downsize.

RandomMess · 30/11/2023 16:11

Stop trying to negotiate, you have to try mediation unless there is abuse. Tell him that you want 70% of equity.

Report him for working cash in hand.

Stop wasting your money you will end up in court anyway.

Theunamedcat · 30/11/2023 16:14

Do you claim dla for the children?

Epidote · 30/11/2023 16:16

The person who start the divorce/separation doesn't have a penalty for do it. There is no Law that said the just because you initiated the divorce you must pay with sweat and blood. That is bullshit.

He is bitter and somehow he thinks is punishing you doing that.

Original poster
jdog80 · 30/11/2023 16:16

Yep, both get DLA. Why do you ask?

OP posts:
Original poster
jdog80 · 30/11/2023 16:17

Yep. I have allowed it though as I felt so guilty. I probably would have just agreed to it but the rise in house prices/interest rates means that I am actually unable to get a mortgage on my own for it now!

OP posts:
Mrsm010918 · 30/11/2023 16:26

Get a MIAM meeting for mediation.

If he declines to also have one you can then take it to court and a judge can decide.

He will have to provide a statement of information surrounding his earnings, savings and pensions so that a fair settlement can be decided.

Do you actually want to stay in the home? If so, would trying leverage a higher percentage of equity mean you would be able to remortgage? If not then he'll just have to accept the sale of the house, it's tough.

And stop trying to work around his shifts. He needs a schedule of when to see the kids, he sorts childcare if he's working when he has them, and you do the same if you need to work.

Ponderingwindow · 30/11/2023 16:27

Keeping the house is often foolish. Financial stability will be more important to your children than not having to move.

the one thing I would insist on is a fixed parenting schedule. You need to be able to work and earn. It’s worth going to court over. Being part-time in a job that works around his fluctuating schedule with a pittance in child support is going to hurt your children because you will always struggle for money.

this isn’t about who initiated the divorce. It’s about setting yourself up to take care of your children. That is all that matters.

gotomomo · 30/11/2023 16:28

He needs to agree to fixed childcare arrangements so you can work full time, he'll need to arrange childcare if he's working. Keeping the house isn't fair on him but he should be declaring all earnings

Original poster
jdog80 · 30/11/2023 16:30

I hope it doesn't get to court stage but yes, I am now seeing that it is worth it. I can't manage financially with the situation as is.

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 30/11/2023 16:31

He is talking rubbish. My divorce wasn't my decision either (well, it was but only because my ex had been having an affair) but I got a solicitor straight away and paid a lot in fees to ensure I got a fair deal in the divorce and my ex did the same.

We agreed on a percentage of the equity for him, which wasn't 50% but he earned significantly more than me and I would be having the dc more than him. I also agreed to leave his pension alone for more equity to be able to buy him out.

Divorce can be done without solicitors but only in cases when things are very amicable. There is a reason they charge a lot of money - it can be very complicated!

When your divorce agreement goes to court, if the judge deems it unfair it won't be granted anyway.

MrsMarzetti · 30/11/2023 16:33

You need to go to court.

Jk8 · 30/11/2023 17:04

Can you go half's in an au pair or something

Jk8 · 30/11/2023 17:04

*then up your hours to full time obviously