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Original poster

AIBU to object to divorce terms

49 replies

jdog80 · 30/11/2023 14:57

I'm hoping to get some honest opinions.

I split with my ex 2 years ago. We had been married for 10 years and have two children both are neurodiverse. For years, my ex worked part time and I worked full-time as I earnt more. When we split, my ex moved out and started working full-time to earn more money. Our divorce is close to being finalised but I am still unhappy with the agreement!

Ex gets 50% of the equity from our house.
Ex has children for 25% of the week. He works shifts so this majorly impacts my ability to work around his hours so I have dropped to part-time.
Ex pays me child maintenance. He says he is on minimum wage so this is not a huge amount of money.
Ex can't do any more childcare because he has a second job that he does on the side (i.e. undeclared earnings). I have no idea how much he makes from this!
House prices have gone up where I live and with the hike in interest rates, I can no longer afford to buy him out and take on the mortgage alone. He has said he wants the children to stay in that house and not to have to downsize however he is not willing to delay the sale and wants his equity asap.

If I bring anything up, he says that splitting up was my decision so I have to just put up with it.

I am so stressed and just want the divorce to be over and done with. However, I am getting more and more resentful about how unfair this seems! Is it?? Or do I just need to suck it up?

OP posts:

SpottyCrumpet · 30/11/2023 17:09

Once you’ve bought him out, you can do whatever you like with the house, such as selling and downsizing. Maybe it’s a means to an end?

billy1966 · 30/11/2023 17:29

You have been far too soft and are paying the price.

If you do not wake up you are going to wake up to being rightly screwed financially.

The marriage is over.
Who ended it is immaterial.

Your job now is to get the best deal you can for yourself and your future.

You will bitterly regret your foolishness on this issue for many years ahead if you do not pull back and change course.

Stop thinking about him, he is doing enough of that.

Put yourself and whats best for your children first.

altmember · 30/11/2023 17:56

Surprised he's only on min wage working (rotating?) shifts? Usually that sort of work commands a premium/shift allowance. Tell him to get a more regular job so you can have regular child arrangements. No point working shifts like that for such shit money is there.

Reality is it sounds like he's not being completely honest about his work/income.

IhaveanewTVnow · 30/11/2023 18:07

You need to go back full time. You will need a decent pension at some stage. Do not let him tell you what to do.

MissSmiley · 30/11/2023 18:08

Can you get a mortgage to buy him out? Find out what you can get and offer him that. My ex wanted more but when I got my mortgage offer and he realised that was going to be the maximum on offer he agreed. There are mortgage companies that will take into account all income including child maintenance and earnings

riotlady · 30/11/2023 18:13

altmember · 30/11/2023 17:56

Reality is it sounds like he's not being completely honest about his work/income.

Lol unless you work in retail, hospitality, care work… loads of people do shifts on minimum wage!

Original poster

jdog80 · 30/11/2023 18:16

Retail. Shifts as in a different rota each week, no set days off.

OP posts:

Original poster

jdog80 · 30/11/2023 18:17

I can but not enough to give him 50%. I have an appointment with a broker so can get an up to date figure of what I can afford.

OP posts:

whatausername · 30/11/2023 18:33

Forget feeling guilty, if anything his stubborn, unreasonable, demanding attitude should be fuelling your fight! It didn't have to be a fight but he's made it one...

SavBlancTonight · 30/11/2023 18:50

Court is clearly the only option. You do not have to adapt your work patterns to his. That is batshit. He needs to agree set times to have the dc so that you can commit to working.

Stop facilitating him. I assume you broke up because he was a lazy controlling ass. If he wont agree, go to court.

Ffsnotaconference · 30/11/2023 18:56

You need to go to court. But that doesn’t mean you will get more than 50% especially if you will be able to purchase a house after that.

You won’t be penalised for being the one to split. But, as women expect it to be, his working part time during the marriage may work in his favour.

As may you having to work part time now might work in your favour. Or may not.

Unfortunately no has worked out how to force a parent to have 50:50 if they simply refuse.

Epidote · 30/11/2023 19:02

Just a thought, for your appointment. Can you go for a just interest mortgage for a couple of years? Can you secure you main mortgage deal with the current interest on the deal and take an extra remortgage with the same lender?
Good luck with the appointment.
If you got far to much equity that may not be of use but if the equity is not very big it may be something to explore.

Tinkerbyebye · 30/11/2023 19:08

It’s his responsibility to sort out child care the 25% he has them. And as you have them 75% you should have more of the equity

i would go back and say he has had long enough to free and times have changed so you want 75% equity, that you are going back to work full time to be able to afford to live do he will have to sort childcare if he can’t manage as you want set days for them with him and suggest say eow and two days during the week so he gets them to and from school as well that you expect him to cover extracurricular costs and school uniform etc and any school trips to be split 50/50 and if he doesn’t like that see you in court. Nd I would go to court

I would also be reporting his undeclared job to HMRC

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 30/11/2023 19:45

Could you work full time and sort child care if you had the DC 100% of the time? If so could you just go back full time and then tell EXDH to only have the kids on his non working days unless he has sorted childcare. I know it would be a pain to not know when your child free days were but you could apply for a higher mortgage then.
Just instruct your solicitor to tell him this, if he wants to dispute it he will have to arrange his own solicitor.

fetchacloth · 30/11/2023 19:52

RandomMess · 30/11/2023 16:11

Stop trying to negotiate, you have to try mediation unless there is abuse. Tell him that you want 70% of equity.

Report him for working cash in hand.

Stop wasting your money you will end up in court anyway.

This.
You're divorcing him so you call the shots. He should get a solicitor of his own to counsel him, not rely on yours.

Quartz2208 · 30/11/2023 19:54

Stop feeling guilty and stop giving him power. The house needs to be sold I think if you can both get something, split the equity 50/50 and move on.

he may not want this but I suspect it is that attitude that has led to this

Pinkpinkpink15 · 30/11/2023 20:06

@jdog80

tell him to fuck off until he gets a solicitor. Stop paying yours to essentially do all the work.

that nowhere near a fair settlement. Nowhere.

it doesn't matter who wanted the divorce, it needs to be fair.

he sounds like he doesn't care about the kids at all.

MissSmiley · 30/11/2023 20:46

Also what does 50% look like from two years ago when you split?

iamenough2023 · 30/11/2023 21:43

Dear OP, I feel for you. I am recently divorced and had similar experience as you. My ex and I did not own a house and only one of our three kids was minor. Because I initiated divorce I too felt guilty and was giving in every step of the way. He most definitely behaved and still does, like I should be the one suffering the consequences since it is my "fault" that the marriage was over. I did get a lawyer but he was too cheep to get one, so (like one of the posters suggested) I ended up using my lawyer to answer some of his questions. She literately told me at one point, "I am your lawyer not your ex's and am not paid to advise him". People like that are very difficult to deal with. I suggest you get a lawyer, if you can afford one, and get them to communicate with your ex instead of you. Find out what your rights are, what you can and cannot get and go for it.

Mediation did not work for us. Again, he did not want to spend any money but I insisted we get someone so we found the cheapest one who was useless. We saw her once and that was it, I wish we did not because he used something she told us later against me.

Good luck op. Take care of yourself.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/11/2023 21:46

I'd go back to work full time. It's the only way to be in control.

TheSandgroper · 30/11/2023 23:21

Somewhere on Mumsnet, some years ago, a woman divorcing who had a ND or disabled child was advised to spreadsheet her costs vs NT child costs.

eg. Local childcare vs specialist childcare.
Babysitting - teenager vs trained childcare worker.
Schooling - local primary (walking) vs specialist school + transport
Appointments - cost of transport for each appointment including actually running a reliable car.
House adaptations.
Hair cuts - local salon vs specialist.

etc etc etc. All the little things.

If this is your situation, please take the time to list it all to present to your judge.

Rollinroller · 20/04/2024 22:18

Are you suggesting you keep the house in joint ownership until the children are 18? I don’t think this is feasible and will cause more complications further down the line. Equally he can’t dictate that you stay put at financial disadvantage to you.

my DP and his ex agreed they would continue to jointly own their home until she was able to work full time and save enough to buy him out. It took 4 years and suited them both - your ex has to be prepared not to dictate the terms!

GoBonobo · 20/04/2024 22:35

Yes, had the ‘this wasn’t my choice, I shouldn’t have to suffer’ from my ex, it’s crap. Sorry he’s being unreasonable but suggest you get it sorted out via court if he won’t mediate. Word of warning - I only suggest this because court will probably order you to try it- I went to mediation for almost a year but ex kept with the ‘I didn’t want to separate, waaah!’ line, when challenged with something he didn’t want (like giving me any equity in the house I paid the deposit for) even though he was engaged to be married to someone else by the end, so we got nowhere. If he’s just obfuscating, don’t keep at it in the Hope he’ll see sense, if he’s still pulling this shit 2 years in, it wont stop

Imbusytodaysorry · 20/04/2024 22:49

jdog80 · 30/11/2023 15:27

I think that as I am being expected to keep the house going I should be enabled to do that. I can't do it all - work part-time, provide more childcare, take over the entire mortgage.

My suggestions were allowing me to keep the house until our youngest is 18 (then selling, remortgaging etc) or him increasing to 50% time responsible for the children (so I can work full-time).

He refuses to get a solicitor so I end up spending loads of money instructing mine and he just replies to any requests saying "No".

I think your options are sensible .
He is being selfish. .Tim he out the kids needs first .

Honestly I wouldn’t apply for divorce. .
If stay living in the house and tell
him he is having the kids 50/50 and best find another job with Better hours and ask him if hmrc know about his “cash in hand job”

If he what’s the house sold he will
have to take YOU to court

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