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Original poster

Heartbreak

34 replies

MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 10:51

Sorry to post this on here, I just don’t know how to move on.
I was in a loveless relationship that should have ended but we were too comfortable.
Started spending more time with a friend and her daughters (we had known each other for a couple of years already) who confessed that she too was in a loveless marriage but stayed with him for the sake of the kids.
We fell in love, felt like we had found our soul mates. Made plans to be together as a family. Her friends and family knew about us and were supportive. Broke up with our respective partners. She moved out of their family home. We were happy.
Her husband found out about the affair and made the separation difficult as he felt that the affair was the sole reason for the divorce, not the fact he was a difficult husband and father for his kids.
Stating from the start that she wants whats best for her children (and rightfully so) wanting to make the divorce easier and not having the extra pressure of starting a relationship in these difficult circumstances and feeling guilty for breaking up the family home (even though the children were happier in their new environment) she felt that she couldn’t continue with our relationship.
I was truly heartbroken.
We communicated for a short time after but the pain was too much. I moved out of the area and have tried to move on.
I accept the responsibilities of my actions in having an affair and don’t condone them. I am not looking for sympathy just some advice or understanding.
It’s been 3 years and I still think about the 3 of them everyday.
Thank you for reading.

OP posts:
Flyingfoxgirl · 30/11/2023 18:52

I totally understand you. Similar situation here. You're brave posting here, despite wanting to and needing help I am too scared of the judgement and vitriol that I know I will be faced with. I am sorry that you are going through this. I can't offer you any advice or help. Just a virtual hug. I am terrified that this pain will never leave me.

Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 19:58

Thank you for replying. Ive never been on here until today, (I just googled forums for advice, Id obviously heard of it), so I wasn’t sure what replies (if any) id get.
Im sorry you are going through something similar. Some days are better than others but the pain hasn’t left unfortunately.
I wish I could go back and do the right thing. I feel a lot of guilt for missing them but I really do.
I hope you are able to be in a better place someday.

OP posts:
Flyingfoxgirl · 30/11/2023 20:04

Have you tried contacting her again ? Three years is a long time, if she hasn't moved on either maybe she would be more ready for a relationship now?

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:09

I have nothing useful to say

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:14

I still have nothing useful to say. Good luck with it OP.

Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:19

No, it was clear to me that it wasn’t going to happen.
It’s important that her children have a good relationship with their father and I think that would have been difficult for him if I was involved and that wouldn’t be right or fair them. They are happier then the were in the “family” house so I can be grateful for that.

OP posts:
voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:19

Do you not want kids though? You sound very nice

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:21

She can't be that great after all, nobody is

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:22

Are you younger than her?

Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:22

Omg I would have taken her kids in a heartbeat and that was the plan but I can understand her predicament also.
I take no pleasure in how we met but for there to be so much incredible, real
love and then for there to be nothing. Thats what gets me.

OP posts:
Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:24

No one is perfect, im well aware of that but there was a connection that neither of us had ever had before, and to be honest at 38 I do think I ever will again.
(She was only a year older - in response to your other question)

OP posts:
voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:25

MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:22

Omg I would have taken her kids in a heartbeat and that was the plan but I can understand her predicament also.
I take no pleasure in how we met but for there to be so much incredible, real
love and then for there to be nothing. Thats what gets me.

She sounds a bit more pragmatic about the situation than you, that's why I ask if you are younger?

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:27

I mean you sound very romantic in your thinking, so am wondering where that comes from, it normally dissipates in middle age!

Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:27

Well she had more to lose and nothing comes between the bond of a parent/child.

OP posts:
Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:29

Thanks (I think lol) To be honest it’s just how I felt about her. It wasn’t like that with other people.

OP posts:
voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:29

MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:24

No one is perfect, im well aware of that but there was a connection that neither of us had ever had before, and to be honest at 38 I do think I ever will again.
(She was only a year older - in response to your other question)

oops sorry just saw that. you are really young and it would be nice for you to have a family of your own so I think in the long run it is better that you split. sounds like you'll make a great dad - i would really urge to sweep this under the carpet. sounds a bit like you were maybe trying to save her in some way? i would get some counselling. have you tried it?

Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:33

Trust me I have tried. 3 years of trying. It just doesn’t feel like that with anyone else.
I think because of how I felt about her I did want the best for her and her being with her husband in that environment wasn’t right for her or the children. (Its not my place to put her life in the public so I won’t go in to detail). I think our relationship gave her the push to do the right thing.

OP posts:
voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:34

MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:29

Thanks (I think lol) To be honest it’s just how I felt about her. It wasn’t like that with other people.

No I do understand it is painful. But honestly she probably sensed on some level that the relationship wasn't the right thing for you to be in. The reality of living with kids is not all sunshine and roses, wonderful as it is. She might have wanted to protect you from that! The connection thing I think was probably all tied up with it being forbidden etc., that can really heighten emotions.

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:37

are you seeing a therapist at all to work through your feelings about it? that would probably be the best thing. then you will be emotionally free to find someone else while you are still at a nice age to become a dad

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:38

oop sorry did you mean you had tried 3 years of counselling? not sure if I understood your post

voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:44

MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:33

Trust me I have tried. 3 years of trying. It just doesn’t feel like that with anyone else.
I think because of how I felt about her I did want the best for her and her being with her husband in that environment wasn’t right for her or the children. (Its not my place to put her life in the public so I won’t go in to detail). I think our relationship gave her the push to do the right thing.

or else contact her again and see if she's in a different place with things?

Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:44

Yes I am having therapy (but not all related to her, although it has been a bug talking point).
I understand what you are saying and appreciate your advice and the fact you replied.
Yes, how we met does heighten certain things and feelings but the love was unlike anything in my life.
I can imagine living with children can bring a somewhat different set of difficulties but I loved all 3 of them and would have done all I could to make it work.

OP posts:
Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:45

The relationship was around 3 years ago, I've had therapy for about 18 months and more intensely the past few months

OP posts:
Original poster
MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:47

I think if I tried again it would come across as begging. She knows where I am
if she ever wanted to contact me

OP posts:
voluminouspickle · 30/11/2023 20:52

MARZ2000 · 30/11/2023 20:47

I think if I tried again it would come across as begging. She knows where I am
if she ever wanted to contact me

That's hard I am sorry. I truly help the therapy helps to unravel why this particular situation/person felt so powerful to you and that you can move on - you obviously have a lot of love to give. I do not what you mean because I felt this connection with someone - very deep, connected love, and it had to end - it took me about 3 years to get over, so maybe you are nearing the end..