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Original poster

How can I make my partner understand he is an alcoholic

39 replies

thrwy22 · 30/11/2023 10:05

Hi everyone,

I was hoping for some advice. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years. We met in our mid 20s. In those days, we were always part of a big social group, we would go out a lot, drink multiple times a week and were generally quite wild. We have all since settled down, we have two small children, and not in our 20s anymore! I still love a glass of wine, and will often have one or two as a treat towards the end of the week. My problem is I think my partner is becoming dependent on alcohol.

Examples - he drinks every single day. He will get himself a drink to drink on the way home every day after work. He says it's one, but when I push him it usually becomes "ok I had 2" (in my opinion it's probably more)

When we are doing things as a family, he will be generally quite miserable until we pop to a pub on the way home for a quick drink (I have orange juice usually)

There was an incident a few months ago where I was meant to get him a beer on the way home, and he was meant to cook food. I forgot to get it, he got annoyed, said he wasn't cooking anymore, ended up leaving and walking to the shop to get it himself and only then was he in a better mood and decided he would make food after all.

There was another incident when we were walking somewhere, he said he was going to pop to the pub toilet en route quickly, when I peered in I could see him downing a beer.

I genuinely can't remember the last day he hasn't had alcohol. He says he is not an alcoholic, and alcoholic are those people who drink all day long from morning until night. He says he just likes a beer, what's wrong with that?

What can I say to him to make him realise this is an issue, I want to help him but he won't accept help as he says he has no issue and that I am just exaggerating.

OP posts:
CreationNat1on · 30/11/2023 10:07

Buy the book AA for friends and families of alcoholics, work on yourself, you will be the Co dependent partner.

WandaWonder · 30/11/2023 10:09

You can't make it happen there is no magic wand to wave

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/11/2023 10:10

You can’t, he has to recognise it himself.

garlicandsapphires · 30/11/2023 10:11

Oh dear.
We are so caught up in the binary notion that you are either an alcoholic or not, that it's easy to slip into your DH way of thinking. He definitely has a problematic relationship with alcohol, as evidenced by his reluctance to go without. He must know on some level that this is not okay. What happens if you go for a night out and he is designated driver? does he get grumpy? I think you need to continue gently highlighting to him that it's more than 'just liking beer'.

Ero · 30/11/2023 10:13

You can't. You understand, and that's enough.

Headband · 30/11/2023 10:13

You can maybe give him an ultimatum, give up the drink or you'll leave. This will only get worse and the impact on you and your children will be life long.

glassyhag · 30/11/2023 10:19

It's not your job to "make him realise" . It's your job to remove your children from this awful situation before they are permanently damaged by this dynamic. Do you want every single family day out to end in a pub? With a man that stinks of booze and they know 100% that he puts his need for alcohol above them?

You ARE the co dependent partner. You are enabling his to do this to your children while you wribg your hands and bleat But He Just Won't lISTEN! And while you do that you feel you are doing something . But you are misguided as that isn't your job. It's to protect your children. You are setting the standards for their future Relationships. Do you want them to either have alcohol dependency or be with a lush who puts them before booze?

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 10:20

I'm so sorry. I was in your shoes, many years ago.

There is no rationalising with someone who depends on drink (or anything else) to get through the day. The drink talks louder than you.

Sometimes they are outright lying to you; sometimes they are kidding themselves. In my experience, Ex-DH developed an ability to lie really convincingly, to come up with excuses he needed to leave the house (to get a drink), or encouraged me to go out for the day (so he could just drink), to break away from the group on holiday (to sneak to a pub), to drink in the house without me knowing (drink hidden in some weird places).

Sometimes I knew I was being lied to; many many others I learned after. I know that I'll never know the full extent I was lied to.

In the end, the drink (actually far earlier than that), the drink was more important to him than our marriage, DCs, work, friendships, family relationships, being healthy).

The sober him was a loving husband, devoted father, caring son. But once addicted, the drink talked louder than everything else.

When I was in your shoes, I tried rationalising, asking why he lied about going to the pub, pleasing with him to talk to someone about it, showed him statistics, told him that, no, it isn't normal to not go a day without a drink. It isn't normal to hide alcohol around the house. It isn't normal to lie to your wife so you can conduct your affair with drink. Sometimes he'd agree with me (either to shut me up or because in the later years there were moments when he accepted it, but they soon passed because the drink spoke louder). It begged and pleader, shouted, encouraged him to book on recovery courses, AA.

Eventually I realised that there was nothing I could do. And I left. He was dragging me down with him. I was suffering mentally. I wasn't being as good a mum as I could be because of that. I'd realised he'd driven the DCs at least once while drunk. He'd become an unreliable father. He was still extremely loving but couldn't be relied on to remain conscious while the DCs were in his care.

That was many years ago and I haven't regretted it once. I wish I'd left sooner though.

Please look after you, and your children. When you live with an addict you can spend all your time and energy trying to manage them and their addiction, worrying what mood they'll be in, whether they're lying again, are they capable of looking after the children? While they spend all their time worrying about the next drink.

My DCs, despite adoring their dad, flourished once we lived separately. We'd all been living under a kind of stress. They had their real mum back.

I wish you well.

GoldDuster · 30/11/2023 10:24

You can't make your partner understand that he is an alcoholic and you will drive yourself mad trying.

There's nothing you can do to change his behaviour, what you can do is accept that what you see with your own eyes is happening despite his convincing protestations that you're wrong, and decide what you are and are not willing to put up with, and take the appropriate action.

That's all.

Living with an addict, which is what you are doing, is a special kind of hell, so get informed and get some support for yourself. Let him take responsibility for himself. Focus on what you need and what the DC need.

wited · 30/11/2023 10:27

Until her knows it and admits it himself there's nothing you can do.

It has to come from him.

Original poster
thrwy22 · 30/11/2023 10:27

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 10:20

I'm so sorry. I was in your shoes, many years ago.

There is no rationalising with someone who depends on drink (or anything else) to get through the day. The drink talks louder than you.

Sometimes they are outright lying to you; sometimes they are kidding themselves. In my experience, Ex-DH developed an ability to lie really convincingly, to come up with excuses he needed to leave the house (to get a drink), or encouraged me to go out for the day (so he could just drink), to break away from the group on holiday (to sneak to a pub), to drink in the house without me knowing (drink hidden in some weird places).

Sometimes I knew I was being lied to; many many others I learned after. I know that I'll never know the full extent I was lied to.

In the end, the drink (actually far earlier than that), the drink was more important to him than our marriage, DCs, work, friendships, family relationships, being healthy).

The sober him was a loving husband, devoted father, caring son. But once addicted, the drink talked louder than everything else.

When I was in your shoes, I tried rationalising, asking why he lied about going to the pub, pleasing with him to talk to someone about it, showed him statistics, told him that, no, it isn't normal to not go a day without a drink. It isn't normal to hide alcohol around the house. It isn't normal to lie to your wife so you can conduct your affair with drink. Sometimes he'd agree with me (either to shut me up or because in the later years there were moments when he accepted it, but they soon passed because the drink spoke louder). It begged and pleader, shouted, encouraged him to book on recovery courses, AA.

Eventually I realised that there was nothing I could do. And I left. He was dragging me down with him. I was suffering mentally. I wasn't being as good a mum as I could be because of that. I'd realised he'd driven the DCs at least once while drunk. He'd become an unreliable father. He was still extremely loving but couldn't be relied on to remain conscious while the DCs were in his care.

That was many years ago and I haven't regretted it once. I wish I'd left sooner though.

Please look after you, and your children. When you live with an addict you can spend all your time and energy trying to manage them and their addiction, worrying what mood they'll be in, whether they're lying again, are they capable of looking after the children? While they spend all their time worrying about the next drink.

My DCs, despite adoring their dad, flourished once we lived separately. We'd all been living under a kind of stress. They had their real mum back.

I wish you well.

Thank you, this has actually made me cry on my way to work! It seems as though I am being blind.

OP posts:
Gunpla · 30/11/2023 10:35

I lived with an alcoholic for years, but it took me a long time to recognise it. Then for years I thought I could change him. Eventually I left, it wasn't easy. I really regret not leaving sooner.

Lili132 · 30/11/2023 11:01

First of all OP you are NOT co-dependant partner despite what these armchair psychologists trying to tell you. Co-dependant people always end up with partners who have problems like addictions because they depend on fixing someone for their own sense of worth. It's a deep personality disorder and painting every partner of an alcoholic as co-dependant is unhelpful and incorrect.

When you are married, have a house and children together you are naturally tied to your husband financially, emotionally and practically. It's normal to want to fix that relationship and try to hold the family together for the children especially when it might be financially very difficult to leave! Again - it's normal. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

The truth is addiction is a very serious problem that often comes with denial and dishonesty. You can't make someone see it and you can't fix it for them. You can only make it very clear to him where your own boundaries are and what steps he has to take in order to be in a relationship with you. And if I was you I would do it now before things escalate which they almost always do.

YouJustDoYou · 30/11/2023 11:08

Hi op. I'm an alcoholic. I am trying to stop, my eyes are going yellow (jaundice) and I'm scared. I have drunk, a lot, every day for the past 20 years after my dad died, bar the years I was pregnant and breastfeeding when I gave up cold turkey. But it's bad now, I drank every day in the evenings. You don't have to drink all day to be an alcoholic. He is going to ruin his life. And yours. The only way for him to stop is for HIM to want to do it, and if he won't you need to make a decision whether to stay with an alcoholic, or leave him for your own sake.

BelindaOkra · 30/11/2023 11:08

I agree with @Lili132

You have recognised there is a problem. Now you need to brutally honest with yourself about the damage your kids and you are experiencing. Then you need to talk to him.

It is true that you cannot fix him or make him want to give up alcohol. But telling him how serious it is for you may be enough for him to decide it is time to face up to his problem. It probably won’t (if only it were that easy) - but we shouldn’t write him off yet.

And after that I guess you need to know how much you are prepared to accept and where your boundaries are.

i hope he sees sense OP

Gunpla · 30/11/2023 11:10

Lili132 · 30/11/2023 11:01

First of all OP you are NOT co-dependant partner despite what these armchair psychologists trying to tell you. Co-dependant people always end up with partners who have problems like addictions because they depend on fixing someone for their own sense of worth. It's a deep personality disorder and painting every partner of an alcoholic as co-dependant is unhelpful and incorrect.

When you are married, have a house and children together you are naturally tied to your husband financially, emotionally and practically. It's normal to want to fix that relationship and try to hold the family together for the children especially when it might be financially very difficult to leave! Again - it's normal. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you.

The truth is addiction is a very serious problem that often comes with denial and dishonesty. You can't make someone see it and you can't fix it for them. You can only make it very clear to him where your own boundaries are and what steps he has to take in order to be in a relationship with you. And if I was you I would do it now before things escalate which they almost always do.

I agree, I am now in an excellent relationship, I just loved him and didn't want to leave him. But ultimately I realised that I did not want to live with an alcoholic. I was not co-dependent though. I found joining a group for partners of alcoholics very helpful, as I realised how much I had thought was specific to our relationship was in fact very common. Maybe see can you find a support group to talk things through with?

Panama2 · 30/11/2023 11:24

You cannot make him realise he has to realise what he is doing and want to change. Please remember when you are not speaking to him you are speaking to the bottle.

My husband has cirrhosis stopped drinking for years but has started sneaking a drink nothing like before but it can only end one way.

Vroomfondleswaistcoat · 30/11/2023 11:29

I suspect he knows. He must know that to be an alcoholic you don't have to drink yourself insensible all day every day. So I suspect that he's deep in denial and trying to pretend that absolutely everyone he knows drinks every day. And, to be honest, you can't drag him out of that denial, he has to do it himself.

All you can do is decide where your line is, tell him, and wait for him to either pull himself out of the mire or stroll boldly over your line and scuff it out with his feet as he passes.

bonzaitree · 30/11/2023 11:35

Are you able to leave this relationship? If you are u would leave. If you’re not then I’d make a plan to be able to leave (increase hours, get back to work etc.)

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 11:40

@thrwy22 Sorry for making you cry!

Your post really touched a nerve, beacuse I can remember being at that point. And for me, it got a whole heap worse before I left. In some ways it's scarred me for life but on the whole, my life is brilliant now, and I'm so thankful that I removed me and the DCs from that situation.

Leaving isn't easy, but for me there were two initial steps that set the ball rolling, and made it seem more manageble. One was to (without telling him) see a solicitor, to understand what the situation would be/ what info I needed / how we'd be financially / what about the property etc. The second was to talk to a couple of trusted people, who immediately made me see it was OK to leave.

One step at a time. Towards a much better life.

Pumpkinpie1 · 30/11/2023 11:45

OP is he driving and drinking ? You mentioned he stopped off for one or two on his way home every night.
If he is this puts a different spin as his actions could have a devastating effect on you , your kids or anyone he meets whilst drunk.
You are walking a thin line here. Only he can change his drinking , but he potentially could hurt your family with his actions physically emotionally and financially .

It seems to me your families future is being drunk away

JenniferJupiterVenusandMars · 30/11/2023 12:02

BIL is an alcoholic, it’s cost him very lucrative jobs, expulsion from a ‘dry’ country, being arrested for DV, broken bones. He’s driven under the influence (reported to the police multiple times but they did nothing), abused passers-by including children, hidden alcohol in plant pots, loo cistern and tins in his shed.
My sister won’t leave him because he has all the money, well hidden in off shore accounts, and so she puts up with it.
Please don’t be like her. It’s never worth it.

pointythings · 30/11/2023 12:05

You've had some really good advice already but as someone who has been there, I would just like to add that it's OK to put yourself and the DC first. You can't help him, so help the people in you can help.

SmugglersHaunt · 30/11/2023 12:18

.

Keeva2017 · 30/11/2023 12:42

Been there. There are no words that work unless he’s in a place to except it. We’ve been seperated 18 months and get on great but he’s in denial and I have to be really clear about my expectations and red line when he has our children.