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Original poster

How can I make my partner understand he is an alcoholic

39 replies

thrwy22 · 30/11/2023 10:05

Hi everyone,

I was hoping for some advice. Me and my partner have been together for 7 years. We met in our mid 20s. In those days, we were always part of a big social group, we would go out a lot, drink multiple times a week and were generally quite wild. We have all since settled down, we have two small children, and not in our 20s anymore! I still love a glass of wine, and will often have one or two as a treat towards the end of the week. My problem is I think my partner is becoming dependent on alcohol.

Examples - he drinks every single day. He will get himself a drink to drink on the way home every day after work. He says it's one, but when I push him it usually becomes "ok I had 2" (in my opinion it's probably more)

When we are doing things as a family, he will be generally quite miserable until we pop to a pub on the way home for a quick drink (I have orange juice usually)

There was an incident a few months ago where I was meant to get him a beer on the way home, and he was meant to cook food. I forgot to get it, he got annoyed, said he wasn't cooking anymore, ended up leaving and walking to the shop to get it himself and only then was he in a better mood and decided he would make food after all.

There was another incident when we were walking somewhere, he said he was going to pop to the pub toilet en route quickly, when I peered in I could see him downing a beer.

I genuinely can't remember the last day he hasn't had alcohol. He says he is not an alcoholic, and alcoholic are those people who drink all day long from morning until night. He says he just likes a beer, what's wrong with that?

What can I say to him to make him realise this is an issue, I want to help him but he won't accept help as he says he has no issue and that I am just exaggerating.

OP posts:

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 30/11/2023 13:05

OP as you've already read, there is literally nothing you can say that will make him realise the situation he's in, and that he's forcing on you and the DC.

I can tell you that he almost certainly loves you and the children beyond measure. It's not for lack of love that he doesn't stop drinking. He's in the grip of an addiction that is stronger than love. He won't and can't stop until he's in enough pain to do so.

I'm an alcoholic, in recovery now for 2 years. I would take a bullet for my son. I would lay down my life for him - but I couldn't put down the bottle. I couldn't stop drinking until I accepted that I was an alcoholic, and until I was in enough pain (and I was very close to ending my life.)

You may benefit from attending some Al-Anon meetings (lots of which are now on zoom.) They are focused not on what you can do to "help" your partner or to prevent him drinking, but on accepting that you can't. You can only control your own actions. https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Al-Anon UK | For families & friends of alcoholics

Al-Anon Family Groups are for the families & friends of alcoholics who share their experience, strength & hope in order to solve their common problems.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk

maclen · 30/11/2023 13:43

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 10:20

I'm so sorry. I was in your shoes, many years ago.

There is no rationalising with someone who depends on drink (or anything else) to get through the day. The drink talks louder than you.

Sometimes they are outright lying to you; sometimes they are kidding themselves. In my experience, Ex-DH developed an ability to lie really convincingly, to come up with excuses he needed to leave the house (to get a drink), or encouraged me to go out for the day (so he could just drink), to break away from the group on holiday (to sneak to a pub), to drink in the house without me knowing (drink hidden in some weird places).

Sometimes I knew I was being lied to; many many others I learned after. I know that I'll never know the full extent I was lied to.

In the end, the drink (actually far earlier than that), the drink was more important to him than our marriage, DCs, work, friendships, family relationships, being healthy).

The sober him was a loving husband, devoted father, caring son. But once addicted, the drink talked louder than everything else.

When I was in your shoes, I tried rationalising, asking why he lied about going to the pub, pleasing with him to talk to someone about it, showed him statistics, told him that, no, it isn't normal to not go a day without a drink. It isn't normal to hide alcohol around the house. It isn't normal to lie to your wife so you can conduct your affair with drink. Sometimes he'd agree with me (either to shut me up or because in the later years there were moments when he accepted it, but they soon passed because the drink spoke louder). It begged and pleader, shouted, encouraged him to book on recovery courses, AA.

Eventually I realised that there was nothing I could do. And I left. He was dragging me down with him. I was suffering mentally. I wasn't being as good a mum as I could be because of that. I'd realised he'd driven the DCs at least once while drunk. He'd become an unreliable father. He was still extremely loving but couldn't be relied on to remain conscious while the DCs were in his care.

That was many years ago and I haven't regretted it once. I wish I'd left sooner though.

Please look after you, and your children. When you live with an addict you can spend all your time and energy trying to manage them and their addiction, worrying what mood they'll be in, whether they're lying again, are they capable of looking after the children? While they spend all their time worrying about the next drink.

My DCs, despite adoring their dad, flourished once we lived separately. We'd all been living under a kind of stress. They had their real mum back.

I wish you well.

Do you know if he's still drinking or managed to turn his life around? Did you find out the reason he drank?

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 14:50

@maclen I'm afraid that in the end it killed him.

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 14:51

Sorry I didn't answer your second question. I think it just crept up. He used drink as a way to feel more relaxed, and later on as a way to self-medicate for anxiety (which ironically I think was largely brought on by drink and the problems it caused him).

Calibrate · 30/11/2023 14:54

pointythings · 30/11/2023 15:02

@perfectcolourfound your experience is a carbon copy of mine. We were mid divorce and he had moved out when he died. He was 58.

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 15:49

@pointythings It's so tragic isn't it. I hope you're in a happier place now.

pointythings · 30/11/2023 15:59

@perfectcolourfound I am 5 years down the line and much happier, but getting there was hard. I had to support the DC who were older teens, neglected myself, almost had a breakdown and am now back on track. But I don't see myself ever letting a man get close again.

CatamaranViper · 30/11/2023 16:06

It's hard to view yourself as an alcoholic.

I started tracking my drinking on DrinkAware app because I just didn't believe I was drinking much more than most people. I spent a couple of weeks logging each drink and each 'dry' day and realised I was on amber for dependency and my longest streak without drinking was only 3-4 days. With this, I was able to get this under control.

If he doesn't think he has a problem, perhaps ask him if he will use the app honestly, he doesn't have to share the results with you, but it might make him open his eyes and see where he's at.

TobyEsterhase · 30/11/2023 16:16

Short answer - you can't

starlightcan · 30/11/2023 16:23

garlicandsapphires · 30/11/2023 10:11

Oh dear.
We are so caught up in the binary notion that you are either an alcoholic or not, that it's easy to slip into your DH way of thinking. He definitely has a problematic relationship with alcohol, as evidenced by his reluctance to go without. He must know on some level that this is not okay. What happens if you go for a night out and he is designated driver? does he get grumpy? I think you need to continue gently highlighting to him that it's more than 'just liking beer'.

100% this.

The notion of the ‘alcoholic’ is not useful and not true to the reality.

The fact is, anyone who drinks is vulnerable to dependency – alcohol is simply an addictive substance, physically and mentally. Anyone who drinks should be mindful that it’s habit forming and creeps up.

Whether someone is “an alcoholic” or not is a red herring and suggests we’re all born either an alcoholic or not.

I notice it’s often used as a high watermark of addiction that someone can measure themselves favourably against.

Sloth66 · 30/11/2023 18:15

You say you’ve tried talking to him over and over. He’s in denial.
All this trying to manage and control his behaviour sounds so stressful and exhausting. You can’t control it.
I’d put yourself and the DCs first . Look at getting legal advice and support from people around you.

maclen · 30/11/2023 18:30

perfectcolourfound · 30/11/2023 14:50

@maclen I'm afraid that in the end it killed him.

That's sad isn't it and scary how alcohol can have that much power.

H112 · 30/11/2023 20:18

This is a life full of deception and lies. Who knows what he is capable of xxx

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